He keeps coming back. He keeps showing up in my flat and I don’t know what to do. I can’t fucking fool myself. It’s about the case, that damn stupid murder case. Maybe I have made a mistake coming to Braxton. Now Suranne is dead and the police can’t find any leads.
You don’t get it, Tequila, the apple falls close to the tree, and this fucking case isn’t just a coincidence.
What if he isn’t dead? What if the police were wrong all this time?
Micah Thomson is an arrogant, self-centred complete arsehole, but there is something about him making me want to get closer again.
This is my last email. I won’t be writing anymore. We promised each other to stay away.
I don’t finish reading it. I just put it aside and leave Tequila alone with her bottle. She is not asleep yet, but she will be soon enough. She doesn’t come across as a big drinker, but it’s obvious that she has her own closet of demons and this is her way of coping right now. Who am I to argue? Fuck, I want a bottle of vodka to drink myself into oblivion too, but I can’t do that. I need to be sharp in case the Russians contact me. It’s all so obvious now I look back at her behaviour. She clearly has some unresolved issues, deep emotional scars. I know now that she covers them by being mouthy and acting tough. It’s not my place to dig her shit out. I barely even know her.
Downstairs, Kiki is eating some toasted sandwiches, sitting in front of the TV. It looks like she’s already made herself at home.
“She will be all right. She just needs some time alone,” I tell her, rubbing my face with frustration. The exhaustion suddenly hits me. I can’t go back to our place and leave Tequila alone. Maybe I would have done that in the past, when I was a self-centred arsehole that didn’t care about anyone, but now I’m fucking worried about her.
“Make me a toast, Kiki, please. I’m starving and we both know that we can’t leave. We might need to stay here for a night,” I say. Kiki rolls her eyes, but agrees. I have promised to kill another human being; to take a life isn’t an easy thing. Am I strong enough to go through with something like that? I have to, if it means making Tahlia safe. She is the missing piece of my soul and I will do whatever it takes to get her back.
In my head I go over what’s happened. Kiki doesn’t strike up a conversation for once and I can’t bring myself to start one either. I find her presence calming and have no idea why, as she is clearly a whack job. I turn my attention back to the TV and keep pretending to watch it. All the while I am on pins and fucking needles waiting for my phone to ring, and it will most likely when I won’t be ready.
My body and my tainted soul are missing Tahlia. She is the only person in this world that can make everything go away. I took for granted our moments together, and now I regret it all, I miss her so damn much. Everything I put her through flashes through my brain. I was so calculated and cruel. I may never have beaten her or raped her, but I was as mean to her as Rudolf with the psychological pain I put her through. Why didn’t I see what I was doing at the time? I cut her heart and now she won’t ever look at me the same way. How could I ever hope that she could still love me?
I have no idea if I’ll ever get another chance. Tahlia had been subjected to suffering and sick tortures, but what I have done seems much worse. I betrayed her trust.
Around eleven I tell Kiki to take the spare bed upstairs to cut the stream of thoughts. Then I check on Tequila. She emptied the whole bottle of vodka and now she is snoring in the same corner where I left her earlier on.
I get back downstairs and try to make myself comfortable on the sofa. After some time I drift into a deep sleep. In my dreams I see Tahlia again, and we’re together like we are supposed to be. There is no bad guy, no tortures—it’s just us.
Soon the dream starts fading. Something is wrong, because I keep hearing a buzzing sound. I stir myself awake, realising that it’s my phone. Everything else is moving in slow motion, and when I finally get up, I realise that I need to answer it.
“Yeah.”
“Mr. Thomson, we have something. I’m sending you the address. Be there as soon as you can,” says the voice that I recognise. It might be Ivan or his brother. My stomach contracts painfully.
“All right, can you—”
I hear a click and then the line goes dead. My pulse picks up as I realise that I have to get going. The text message comes through instantly, so this is not a silly game anymore. I quickly put some clothes on and think about waking up the girls.
They’ve been through enough already and it’s easier for me to disappear without a word. Kiki should be fine with Tequila and I won’t be gone for long, at least I’m hoping that’s the case. I grab whatever I can and shut the door as quietly as I can. Soon I’m driving through the dark streets of London, ready to do whatever it takes to save Tahlia.
Tahlia
I have no idea how I got back to the hotel last night. My stomach revolted and I had to throw up on the side of the road a couple of times. Hunter Shaw showed up during my shift. We stared at each other for some time, and at first I was certain he recognised me, that he knew who I was.
“Janine Morgan?” he repeated, with amusement in his tone. I just stood there unable to say anything. It felt like an invisible hand wrapped itself around my throat and kept squeezing. I had no air, no way of breathing.
“Yeah, this is Janine. She is new, so be nice to her, Hunter,” Donna stated, folding her arms over her massive chest.
I gave him a faint smile, wondering if I was wrong, that he didn’t recognise me at all. It’s been over four years since that incident, the first real incident when someone showed me that human beings weren’t all monsters.
“It’s good to meet you. I’m Hunter. I’m in charge of the cellar and sometimes I go and serve on the bar if it’s busy,” he said, smiling.
“How long have you been working here?” I manage to choke out the question. Slowly and steadily I began to realise that Hunter didn’t even flinch. He didn’t recognise me as Rose Waltham anymore. Maybe the glasses, the black hair and tattoos were misleading enough. He left Rudolf back then. One day he was in the house, the next he was gone.
“Two years,” he replied. “If you can tolerate Rob, then you should be fine.”
That was several hours ago. Hunter chatted with me for a bit longer and then went back to work. After that I just got on with my job, walking around the club, mingling with the customers and serving shots to drunken people.
I take a taxi home after my stomach is completely empty. When the driver drops me outside the hotel, I dry heave, my body wanting to purge itself again. The streets are deserted. It’s 4:00 a.m., so I get to my room and shut the door behind me.
I made it through this. I managed to blackmail a fatty pervert into giving me a job. And I did this by being Janine Morgan. When I climb into bed I start sobbing because I realise that this is just the beginning, and as stressful and frightening as tonight was, it is going to get worse. I’m going to face Rat at some point and that won’t be pretty, but I will enjoy killing him and watching as his life leaves him, fading away forever.
Chapter Nineteen
Hunter Shaw
“Take off your clothes, bitch. My guys want see their prize,” Josh demands when I’m standing in the living room, where empty syringes, rubbish and rotten bits of food are lying on the floor. The smell is unbearable. Josh doesn’t care anymore about keeping his new place tidy and he is done with being the normal guy from the council estate. He’s turned into a sadistic monster.
I’m filled with panic and apprehension, because tonight I was hoping to go into my room after I was done with my round and just rest, but it looks like Josh has different plans for me.
“You want me to take off my clothes?” I repeat, imagining being somewhere else, in a clean house where I don’t have to worry about being treated unfairly. Connor and Mike are staring back at Josh, and twisted excitement spreads over their faces. I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and my stomach is growling. I wish
I could get a glass of water or something. I have been delivering his drugs for hours and I have blisters all over my feet. Hunter, on the other hand, looks uncomfortable, dragging his hand over his forehead, avoiding looking at me.
Josh gets up and walks up to me. It’s not a good sign. He is too calm and I think he is ready to hit me in front of his guys, so I know my place.
“Take off your fucking clothes, bitch. I’m not going to repeat myself twice. I promised the boys some fun tonight, and they want to stick their cocks into your dirty pussy.” He pulls my jumper off, nearly enough dislocating my shoulder.
I try to understand what he’s saying, understand if he is serious about handing me over to someone else. In the past few months I’ve been beaten up almost every day. After he is done with releasing his violent frustration, he rapes me and keeps holding the knife under my throat, telling me not to make a sound. He wants his boys to know that I’m taking him willingly. I don’t understand why he still wants me to sleep in his bed. I can’t physically look at him. I’m petrified that one day I won’t wake up alive, that he’ll kill me in my sleep.
I pull off my T-shirt and trousers, trying to ignore the thrill of excitement on Connor’s and Mike’s faces. My muscles are aching, and I can’t stop shaking. He can’t do this to me now, when I have no energy to fight back.
“This is taking too long. Do you want me to get angry, mouse?” Josh snaps with that twisted gleam in his eyes. I shake my head and some tears escape. Next thing I know he rips my bra and knickers off and I’m standing naked in front of them, trying to cover myself. Their eyes wander off to the scars, bruises and cuts that haven’t even healed yet. There is no compassion in their eyes, just hunger and desire to have me in their beds.
“Stop covering up, mouse. They want to see your sweet cunt,” he rasps into my ear, wrapping his hand around my neck. I slowly pull my hands away, feeling less like a human and more like a piece of meat at the butcher’s counter. Tears are now streaming down my cheeks, as I wonder if this nightmare will ever end. Will I ever be free? “So who wants to go first?”
“I’m hard, Rudolf. I want to fuck her,” says Connor, licking his lips. I think I might be sick. Connor is so filthy, I don’t want to go anywhere near him.
“Good, take her upstairs,” Josh states and slaps me, so I fall on the floor. “This is for me asking you to do something. Remember, bitch, you’re mine. Now you’re going to go upstairs with Connor and let him use you.”
That dream fades as quickly as it comes when I open my eyes in the morning. My phone clock shows 11:00 a.m. I have another shift tonight. This time Hunter is going to train me on the bar before the club opens up.
That was the first time Josh treated me like a prostitute, when he lent me to his friends. Connor dragged me upstairs and then he violently raped me. I didn’t know what he was trying to prove to himself, but when it was over I just lay there numb and hurt. I tried to fight him a little at first, but he threatened to tell Josh, so I let him use me. That evening for the first time in my life I felt like I needed someone to end my life. My whole body was bruised, but when Connor was done with me, Mike showed up and asked me to blow him.
When I think about this now I want to stay away from that club forever and never bring it up, ever again. Waiting for the devil isn’t smart or wise. I can’t go through the same pain again. I wouldn’t survive it the second time around. Then I think about the gun and the knives that I bought. Nothing will be the same as last time. I just have to be ready when the monster arrives and hit him before he has a chance to get to me.
I get into the shower, trying to wash off the bad memories and bring back good ones. Hunter doesn’t remember me, but I do remember the way he treated me when no one paid any attention to us. I tell myself that there is no point dwelling on the damage that I went through back then. Now I’m stronger and wiser. All this can be shut down with one quick stab or a bullet straight in the head.
I dress quickly, secure the knife over my thigh, and go out to get some food. Near the hotel there is a small coffee shop, and the pancakes there taste awesome.
I pick up the newspaper and order food and coffee. This is normal—living in the hotel, eating out, and reading the news is what normal people do. The problem is that I’m far from being ordinary. I should hand myself in to the police, but deep down I know I can’t give up just yet. The rat has to die.
I buy a skirt that’s long enough to cover my thighs, and around three I head out to the club. As I sit on the tube I try to steady my shaking hands. I need to get myself under control before I get to work. My hands are shaking slightly in the tube, but I push the brutal thoughts away. Micah was the only one that made me feel like I was a real person. He was the only one that I tolerated and loved, but he isn’t with me any longer. That phase of my life is over. I closed the door on Rose, on Tahlia, and on Micah; I need to forget them. We are done and I’m going through another destructive phase in my life. Being someone else is easier.
Douglas, one of the bouncers, greets me at the door. We exchange a few words and then I head over to the changing room. The club is dark, but there is only a small part open to the public, there are a couple guys sitting and drinking beer out in the customer area by the entrance. Donna and Melanie wave to me from the other side. They are polishing glasses and stocking up fridges.
I climb the stairs and walk straight to the changing room. Everything seems empty, but goose pimples appear all over my arms when the door opens up and someone walks in. I glance up, seeing Hunter at the door. He is staring again, like this time he is seeing through the tattoos and makeup.
“Hey, are you ready to rock?” he asks, raising his eyebrow. Only now in this dim light I notice how handsome he really is. Blond hair, olive skin and brown eyes. When he was working for Josh he was skinny, but now his body is wider, so he must have worked out a lot since then. His muscles and tattoos stand out against his white T-shirt. My judgment is clouded and I don’t know why I never noticed how attractive he was. The pain of my life before kept me so downtrodden that it made me blind.
“I just need to get changed. Give me a minute,” I say, giving him my fake smile. My vision blurs and the memory surfaces of that day when Josh asked me to take my clothes off for the first time, when he ripped my underwear off in front of his mates.
My chest is rising and falling with each broken breath that leaves me. I can’t cry anymore, because I’ll make it worse. The lower part of my body hurts. I’m bruised and torn from the abuse my body has taken. I’m glad my stomach is empty; otherwise I may vomit. I’m lying naked in Connor’s room, wanting to die, to end this all. This isn’t a life, this is barely existing.
Then I hear the steps, the heavy steps that are coming for me again. Now it’s just Hunter left. Josh probably asked him to use me too.
I want to vomit, but I can’t. There is nothing in my stomach and throwing up will just make me weaker.
I hold my breath. The door is ajar and someone is standing there staring at pathetic me.
“Rose, are you all right?”
I open my eyes, recognising Hunter’s soft voice. He is sick too, sicker than Josh and the rest of them, because he pretends that he cares. I know when someone is toying with me; he just wants to break me before he tears me apart.
I feel his weight on the bed and wonder if there is a knife here somewhere in this room.
“Rose, I brought you a sandwich. Josh said that I should feed you before I take you downstairs,” he says with a deep sigh. I look at him then; luckily I’m covered with the sheet. Somehow I managed to drag it over me when Mike left. There are bloodstains on the bed and they are mine.
His brown eyes are sympathetic and he holds the plate for me. It smells incredible and I want to take a bite, but what if it’s a trick, a cruel game that he and Josh are playing?
“You’re here to rape me, so just get on with it,” I bark, feeling hopeless and wanting to eat so badly.
Hunter widens his eyes and dr
ags his hand through his hair, placing the sandwich right in front of me.
“No, I gave him some lame excuse about not being on my game today. I don’t want to hurt you. The thing is that he asked me to take you downstairs to the basement,” he says. “Eat, you look pale. You need to eat.”
I don’t wait any longer. I grab the sandwich and eat fast, not even chewing it. My taste buds register cheese, pepperoni, tomato. It tastes delicious, but I’m eating it too fast.
“Slow down. It’s not a race.” Hunter sighs again, looking tired. He is one of the best; he brings Josh lots of money.
“Why are you taking me to the basement and why did you tell him that you don’t want to screw me?” I ask, feeling the burning sensation in my stomach. I don’t want to throw up. My body is battered and I won’t have time to heal. Josh will be horny again later, and it will be his turn.
Hunter takes the plate away and stares at me intensely.
“He said that from now on he will keep you in the basement. There is more stock coming and one of the rooms will be taken.”
I stop chewing, hoping that maybe the abuse will finally stop. I will be his slave, until I won’t be useful to him anymore. If he keeps me in the basement, then I wouldn’t have to be raped by him and his friends.
“You don’t want to touch me, do you?” I ask, struggling to breathe. Connor hit me when I tried to fight him and I have a bad feeling that he cracked one of my ribs.
Hunter shakes his head, looking away at the shaded window. The room stinks of sweat and semen. It clouds my mind, and maybe it’s a good thing, because I keep thinking that it’s just one big illusion.
“Rose, come on, we have to go down,” he says, and helps me back on my feet. I try to dress, but the pain is unbearable. It feels like every bone is on fire and it hurts when I move. Hunter helps me up and when I’m covered I follow him downstairs all the way to the basement.
The house seems quiet, and I’m hoping that maybe Josh left and he won’t be back until tomorrow.
Love & Hate Series Box Set 2 (3-4) - In Too Deep - Skimming the Surface Page 37