by Laura Scott
With Paige, he was the man he was meant to be. Up until her, Jonah had been his life. And would continue to be. No one would change that. But she brought a new level of meaning to his life, a new way of seeing what had once been unclear. With his faith restored, he could work on his inner self.
“Thank You, Lord.” The words came naturally, a sweet confirmation that he had indeed regained his belief in the Lord and His love.
“Daddy, who are you talking to?” Jonah asked.
Somehow Jonah and Ralph had come inside without Liam being aware of it. He shook himself out of his musings and smiled at his son. “I was thanking the Lord for being part of our lives.”
Jonah considered. “That’s good. I like going to church.”
That was another change they’d recently made. Father and son had started attending church. One Sunday, Paige had joined them. It had been good, sitting in the reverent service with her on one side and Jonah on the other.
“I think Ralph is hungry.”
Ralph, it appeared, was always hungry.
“I’m hungry, too,” Jonah added.
“Okay, let’s get you boys something to eat. But first,” Liam added with a rueful look at Jonah’s hands and Ralph’s feet, “the two of you need to get cleaned up.
“You wash your hands, and I’ll take care of Ralph.”
With a great deal of giggling on Jonah’s part and resistance on Ralph’s, the two boys were cleaned up and ready for a snack. Jonah had some cookies, courtesy of a care package from his grandma, while Ralph was given kibble.
“Can Ralph have a cookie?” Jonah asked. “He told me that he liked chocolate chip cookies.”
Liam raised a brow. “He did, did he?”
Jonah nodded solemnly.
“Chocolate’s not good for dogs,” Liam said, equally solemnly. “Let’s stick with kibble. We don’t want to make Ralph sick, do we?”
Jonah gave a vigorous shake of his head. “No! I’m sorry, Ralph,” he said to the puppy, who looked first at the son and then the father, “but you can’t have cookies.”
Ralph favored them with what could only be described as a reproach, then returned to eating his puppy chow.
“I can’t wait to show Ralph to Grandma and Grandpa,” Jonah said between bites. “Do you think they’ll like him?”
Liam smiled. “I’m sure your grandparents will love Ralph.” Because they loved Jonah.
“Can Ralph sleep with me tonight?”
That had been a sticking point. Liam had wanted to kennel-train Ralph, who had mourned woefully at being separated from Jonah.
“What if we compromise and Ralph sleeps in his kennel in your bedroom?”
Jonah thought about it. “Can we put the kennel on my bed?”
Liam didn’t have the heart to refuse. “The kennel can go on your bed. You realize, don’t you, that as Ralph gets bigger, his kennel will also get bigger?”
Another period of thought on Jonah’s part followed. “I guess I’ll need a bigger bed.”
His son’s unassailable logic had Liam chuckling to himself. “I guess you will.” How could he argue when both boy and dog looked at him with beseeching expressions?
“There’s enough time for you and Ralph to play outside again before we get dinner started,” Liam said.
“Okay.” With a swipe of his mouth to brush away cookie crumbs and a whoop of joy, Jonah took off, Ralph at his heels. The ensuing racket reached outside, and Liam could only imagine the calls from irate neighbors he was bound to receive. Obedience school for Ralph was next on the list.
When the doorbell rang, Liam went to answer it, wondering if it was a complaining neighbor already.
It wasn’t a neighbor.
Paige stood on his front porch, her face as bright and cheerful as the armful of yellow tulips she held.
She handed the flowers to him. “I thought your house needed some flowers,” she said.
She was right. The house, his home, needed color and the scent of fresh flowers. It needed her. Just as he did.
“Thank you.” He carried the flowers to the kitchen and put them in the only thing he could find—a water pitcher. As much as he’d tried to make the house a home, it didn’t run to such things as vases.
“Perfect,” she said and came to stand beside him.
He took her hand in his and brought her to the sofa. “We need to talk.”
Her gaze questioning, she nodded.
Liam struggled for what to say. He settled on telling her about adding a new member to the family. “Jonah has been wanting a dog forever. After...everything, it seemed the right time.”
He filled the time talking about the puppy’s antics. “Yesterday he got his head caught in the banister railing. I almost had to take it apart to free him.”
She smiled. “He must have been annoyed.”
“I was the one who was annoyed,” he said with mock gruffness.
“Liam, is Ralph getting his head caught in a banister really what you wanted to talk to me about?” she asked with gentle humor.
“Uh...no. I was trying to set the atmosphere.”
“You were trying to set the atmosphere to talk about Ralph?” A teasing note crept into her words.
“No,” he said more firmly and was reminded of all the reasons he loved her. More important than her beauty and intelligence, she had so much humor and compassion and total lack of selfishness that she took his breath away. Even with all the losses she’d endured in life, she was filled with hope and faith and had dedicated her life to helping others, to seeking justice.
“I was trying to set the atmosphere to tell you that I love you and want you in my life. I want to make a home with Jonah, Ralph and you. That wasn’t how I planned on saying it.” He huffed out an annoyed-at-himself breath. “I love you, Paige.”
“I love you, too.”
“One thing. I’m turning my company over to the vice president to manage. I’ve been offered a job with the US Marshals. I’ve decided to take it.”
“Oh?”
If ever a single syllable held caution, it was this.
He chose his next words with care. “I was hoping you’d be happy for me.” He added a smile, hoping he’d get one in return.
She freed her hands from his. “Is that what you want? To join the marshals?”
His buoyant mood of only moments ago took a puncture wound. He prayed it wasn’t fatal.
“Being with you, working on the case, reminded me of how much I liked my work when I was with the CID.”
The army’s Criminal Investigative Division was one of the world’s elite law enforcement agencies. “I want to make a difference. The Marshals Service has been after me for some time. The head honcho seems to think my computer skills will come in handy.”
“So you’d be riding a desk?”
“Well, that and other things.” Now it was his turn to be cautious.
Paige circled the room, came back to face him. “If this is what you want, then I’m happy for you. I really am.”
The but hung so loudly in the air that he could all but see it forming a barrier between them. “But?” He reached up to cup her jaw and felt the resistance there. More than resistance, though, was distance.
She took a step backward. Another. The actual distance involved was small, but the emotional chasm it created was deep enough to drown in. “But I don’t know if I can be a part of it. I don’t know if I want to be part of it.”
All at once, the distance grew and loomed in front of him, a void filled with unanswered questions, unbroken silences.
“I don’t understand.” That was the truth. He didn’t understand. “You just said you loved me.”
“I do.” She paused, one of those pauses that made you wonder if it would last forever. “You almost died a couple of weeks ago. I was th
ere with you, praying with everything I had. Begging the Lord to keep you alive.”
“I know.” Her prayers had likely saved his life. But even before that, he’d recognized that he needed the Lord in his life.
“What do your parents think?”
“About what you’d expect. They’d feel better if I stayed with the software company, but they want me to be happy.”
“How about safe? Do they want you to be safe, too?” Her voice took on an accusing note. Apparently she heard it as well for she took a deep breath. “Of course they do. I saw how much they love you.”
“They know I’m not going to do anything foolish.” This wasn’t going the way he’d planned.
“You almost died.”
“You said that.”
“I lost Ethan.” Her voice caught, and she turned away.
He placed his hands on her shoulders, gently turned her around. When she avoided his gaze, he put a finger beneath her chin and lifted it so that their eyes met. His heart bumped up to his throat, and he yearned to take away all the pain harbored inside her. He recognized it as pain because he had experienced the same sense of loss, of grief.
She lifted her gaze. “Sometimes I think I’m over the heartache of his dying, but then something happens. A memory trigger, I call it. And it all floods back. The grief, the bewilderment, the wondering why.” She brushed at the tears that ran down her cheeks. “Then there’re the questions. Could I have stopped it? If I’d been better at my job, could I have stopped the lowlife who took that shot?”
“Paige.” He wanted to wipe away the tears. To hold her and promise nothing would ever hurt her again. But such thoughts were futile, and so he held his tongue. The temptation was strong to take her in his arms, but this wasn’t the time. Or the place. “You’re smart enough to know that none of that is true. I know you—I know you did everything you could to save Ethan. It isn’t in you to do less.”
“How can you know? I don’t even know.” She sounded lost, so unlike her usual confident self. “The past has a way of reinventing itself,” she said. “Just when you think you’ve made peace with it, think you’re over it, something happens and you realize you’re not over it at all.”
“I know. But I’m not Ethan.” By force of will, he refrained from shouting the words, even when he’d wanted to roar them, such was his frustration. He took her hands in his once more and gentled his voice. “I survived two tours in Afghanistan. I think I can handle being a marshal here in the States.”
“Don’t you dare downplay it.” The words cracked through the air, an indictment of his attempt to do exactly that—downplay it. “I’ve worked with marshals in the past. They handle WITSEC. They also escort high-value prisoners. It’s not a day in the park.”
“No, it’s not. But I need it. After everything we’ve been through, I thought you’d understand. You put your life on the line. I’ve seen you do it.” It would be all right, he told himself. She just needed time to get used to it.
Her voice turned defensive. “That’s not typical for me. I usually sit behind a desk playing geek.”
“Geek is good, and I’ve done it for a number of years. Maybe I will again. But right now I want more. I need more. Can’t you understand?” He heard the pleading in the words. Since when did he beg?
“No, I don’t understand at all. What about Jonah?”
“Jonah doesn’t care what I do, only that I love him.”
“And if something happens to you? What then?” Accusation rang in her words, and he found himself reacting to it.
“It won’t.” The snap in his voice caused him to pull back, to try to understand where she was coming from. “It won’t.”
“I can’t be with another man who puts himself in harm’s way.”
“I’m not Ethan.” He kept his tone even, though he was beginning to resent being compared to a dead man. In an attempt to hold on to his temper, he drew in a sharp breath.
There was that distance again. And with it, he feared, an impenetrable wall between them. Paige wanted a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt, and he couldn’t, in all honesty, give that to her.
“You want to deny what we have because you can’t see past your fears.” Now he was the one who sounded accusing.
“That’s not fair. I love you. That’s not going to change. But I can’t lose you like that. I can’t go through that again. I won’t go through it again.”
“Who says you’re going to lose me? Why can’t you apply that faith of yours to me, to know that I won’t take any unnecessary risks, that I will always come home to you and Jonah?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. Sorrier than I can say. I can’t be the woman you need.” Tears filled her eyes.
Once more, he longed to brush them away, but he kept his hands at his sides. It took everything he had to not reach for her. “Is that it?”
In answer, she walked away.
* * *
Two weeks had passed since Paige had walked out of Liam’s house. And out of his life. A dozen times, two dozen times, she’d started to call him and tell him that she loved him no matter what, but she realized she’d be losing herself if she gave in to that temptation.
S&J headquarters was busy today, with clients and operatives coming and going. She managed to slip past Shelley’s office, made her way to her own, and, gratefully, closed the door. Resolutely, she started on the paperwork she’d promised herself she’d get to when she had time.
Well, she had time right now. Lots of time.
She finished the report on Liam’s case, the report she’d found one excuse after another not to complete. After copying it to both Shelley and Jake, she told herself that that chapter of her life was over. Without a new case to work on, she started backing up the files she’d neglected over the last weeks. Systematically, she went through the motions, but her mind—and her heart—were elsewhere. And would, she feared, remain so.
A pang of regret hit her as she thought of the last time she’d seen Liam. They had been so right together, in every way but one. How could she love another man whose job put him in danger?
The answer was simple—she couldn’t. Couldn’t give her heart to a man who could be taken away as Ethan had been.
There was only one problem with that: she was in love with Liam. He was strong without being dominating, tender without being weak. When she was with him, her knees turned to jelly. A half smile crossed her lips at the cliché. She supposed that was why the phrase had taken on cliché status—it was the truth.
After bringing up a favorite music app on her phone, she found a song that would drown out the sounds of her sick heart. Did hearts make noise outside of the normal beating? Apparently so. Hers was crying. Inside where it didn’t show but really hurt. She could hear it. Anyone listening could hear it. She was certain of it.
When Shelley poked her head in, Paige did her best to wipe her face clean. The last thing she wanted was her friend to know that she was mooning over a man she couldn’t have. However, she hadn’t reckoned with Shelley’s perception.
“What’s wrong?” No beating around the bush for Shelley.
“Nothing.”
“Liar,” Shelley said softly. “You’ve been moping around the office for the last two weeks. I let you get away with it because I figured you’d come clean eventually, but you haven’t. So, give.”
Paige didn’t answer directly. Instead, she asked, “How did you know that you and Caleb were right?”
“I didn’t. Not at first. I don’t think he did, either. But we got there. Partly because we’re both stubborn and when we want something, we go for it. Partly, also, because I knew that there would never be anyone else for me. Caleb was it.
“That doesn’t mean there weren’t bumps along the way. There were more than enough to go around, what with adopting Tommy and making him feel part of a family. Some
times there still are, but we navigate our way through them. Do you want to know something I learned along the way?”
She didn’t wait for Paige to nod. “Life is fragile. We don’t know what will come, so whenever possible, choose joy. Joy is a choice, so when it presents itself, seize it with both hands and your whole heart and hold on to it.”
Paige heard the certainty in her friend’s voice. “Choose joy,” she repeated softly. “I like that.” How far did the bounds of friendship go? Dare she ask her next question?
“Are you ever afraid that something will happen and you won’t be able to...how did you put it...navigate your way through it?”
“Sometimes. But then I remember it’s not just Caleb and me and the kids. We have the Lord on our side. Remembering that makes all the difference.”
For all her talk of belief and faith, Paige realized she’d forgotten to take the Lord into account. He was always there, and, if she and Liam allowed Him to, He would seal His love upon them.
“You’re in love with Liam, aren’t you?”
Miserably, Paige nodded and shoved a fist in her mouth to quell the sob building in her chest. Realizing that she’d given herself away, she removed her fist and gave Shelley a wan smile. “How’d you guess?”
“How does he feel?”
“He said he loves me, and I believe him. But he wants something that I can’t agree to. He has an offer to join the US Marshals. He’s going to take it. He’d be great at it, but...”
“But you’re worried that something will happen to him,” Shelley guessed.
“What if I lose him? I don’t think I could bear it.”
“What if you don’t? What if you build a wonderful life together? But if something were to happen to him, would it hurt any less if you weren’t married to him? If you had to watch from afar, wanting to be there for him but knowing you couldn’t because you didn’t have the right?”
Paige could only stare at her friend. The simplicity of it stunned her. Of course it wouldn’t hurt any less if she had no official part of Liam’s life. She loved him. That didn’t go away just because she didn’t have a marriage certificate to prove it.