by Kelly Utt
Her Troubled Mind
A Rosemary Run Story
Kelly Utt
Her Troubled Mind is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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2020 Standards of Starlight E-book Edition
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Copyright © 2020 by Kelly Utt-Grubb, writing as Kelly Utt
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All rights reserved. No part of this e-book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
www.standardsofstarlight.com
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Cover art by Elizabeth Mackey
Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
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About the Author
Prologue
If Rosemary Run had a matriarch, it would have been Miriam Candler. She was ridiculously smart. And kind. Not to mention, she was beautiful, with flawless taste in fashion and decor. Her perfect chestnut-brown curls danced around her shoulders much the same way the fabric of her skirts danced around her ample hips. Affectionately called Mim by those who knew her, she had been adored by nearly every resident of the bustling little Northern California town for as far back as most folks could remember. In fact, Mim’s reputation had preceded her.
Thanks to the tireless work of Mim’s father, Clint Harmon, and her grandfather, Gus Harmon, the family’s store had enjoyed an impeccable reputation around town. Ever since Gus had opened the doors to Harmon’s Grocery as an eager young man in 1959, the hometown establishment had stayed full and the lines long. Neighbors had become friends. And Harmon’s had taken care of those friends through good times and bad. It was the least they could have done in return for the unwavering support of the community.
Mim’s parents never talked about it publicly, but they’d hoped for a boy. Clint and his wife, Linda Martin Harmon, had wished for a son who would one day take over the family business and fill his father and grandfather's shoes. They’d known it would be a lot of pressure as standing on the shoulders of giants typically is. But they’d believed their future son would be up to the task. They had told themselves they’d help him, and that he’d find a way. They had all worked too long and hard to let the prosperous business slip through their fingers. It was to be their legacy, and they’d believed only a son could see it through.
When Mim had come into the world, all pink skin and vigor, her parents had been forced to temper their expectations. They’d loved her right away, there had been no doubt about that. But they’d been uncertain as to whether she could rise to the occasion and do what would be asked of her. To make matters worse, Linda had hemorrhaged shortly after childbirth and had lost her uterus. It was then that the reality had set in. There would be no son. Not a biological one, anyway. They’d either have to trust the family business to Mim, or prepare to let it wither and die along with Clint when it was his time. There had been no other option.
Luckily for the Harmons, Mim had grown up willing to take on the store and keep the family legacy alive. She’d studied business at the University of California, San Francisco, and had returned to Rosemary Run prepared to jump in with both feet. Her complementary studies in interior design had proved an added bonus, because shortly after taking the helm of Harmon’s Grocery, she’d overseen a full-scale remodeling effort which modernized the store to keep up with the population growth and tourism boom Rosemary Run had experienced.
One might think that Mim had enough on her plate without a growing family of her own, but she was determined to have it all. Her husband, Doug Candler, and their kids, Claudia and Lucas, expected her to be in charge at home, too. It was a lot to keep up with, even though it was exactly what Mim had thought she wanted.
Then one day, everything changed. It all burnt to the ground. Literally.
1
Mim was supposed to have been a boy. Her parents hadn’t fooled anyone. The entire town of Rosemary Run had known their desire.
The family store had started out as Harmon’s Grocery when Gus had opened the doors. The name made sense, which is why they had returned to it once Mim took over. But it hadn’t always been the same. When Mim was a kid, it had been called Harmon & Son Grocery. Before she was born and when they had all hoped for a boy, Gus and Clint had planned on simply adding an “s” on the end to make it Harmon & Sons Grocery. The name had been printed in neat red letters on a white background above the store. The addition of the “s” wouldn’t even have required new signage.
Mim knew this because her parents told her. A lot. They reminded her repeatedly, as if she might somehow go back and change her gender. As if she could have done such a thing in the first place. Linda and Clint grieved over the loss of her uterus and their inability to have another biological child. Although, Mim had always thought they would have been okay with just one child if she had been a boy.
Trying to appease her grieving parents, Mim had done as much boy stuff during her childhood as possible. She’d played with trucks and toy soldiers instead of dolls. She’d worn boy clothes and baseball caps. She’d participated in boy sports, even going as far as to try out for the high school football team. She’d cried behind the bleachers at East Valley High when she didn’t make it. Her father had cried, too, in his bedroom with the door closed, though Mim had heard his long, low sobs from the next room. He’d sounded like something inside of him was breaking a little bit more every day.
She’d told herself that she could squelch her interest in pretty clothes, artful hairstyles, and kissing boys, because it was easier to tuck her own desires away than it was to see the look on her parents’ faces as they gazed longing at their friends who’d had sons. Those looks were the worst. Mim’s heart had felt like it might break every single time she’d seen them. She’d hated disappointing her parents.
By the time she had gone away to college, Mim was so used to playing the part of the girl who should have been a boy, it had taken a full semester for her to make choices based on her own wishes. There, she finally kissed her first boy. She secretly studied interior design in her free time. And she wore feminine clothes and makeup. It had been a relief, but also a burden. She had been exercising her own free will, but at the same time, she had known that her choices would leave her parents upset had they known. Or when they found out. Mim knew they would eventually. It had been a losing game, and one without winners.
It had been during those years that Mim met the man who would become her husband. Doug had been handsome in a traditional way. His classic good looks and demeanor had allowed Mim to feel girly. Doug was several inches taller than Mim, so she could wear heels when they went out. His voice was deep and confident, which let Mim’s rise to its natural soprano pitch.
Mim and Doug had paired well together. Their college friends had known it. Even Doug’s family had known it. San Francisco was Doug’s hometown. He hailed from just over the Golden Gate Bridge in Marin County, his family’s property nestled in the gorgeous redwoods. It had been easy for the young couple to pop over to his parents’ house for dinner or a long weekend. Doug had two younger brothers who were still in high school at the time. The whole Candler family had been welcoming to Mim, making her feel like she belonged, so much so that she’d considered staying in the Bay Area after gradu
ation. No matter where they decided to live, Mim was certain she’d be with Doug. They had talked seriously about plans to get married.
As university commencement had approached, Mim knew that the little bubble she’d created would have to pop. Clint and Linda would be coming into the city for the ceremony. They’d have to meet Doug. And his parents and little brothers. They’d learn that Mim enjoyed wearing dresses and acting like a girl. They’d learn she had spent a lot of time with the Candler family. And they’d ask when Mim was coming home to Rosemary Run to begin work at the grocery store.
It had been time to face the music and make the tough decisions. Mim was nervous, but resigned to her lot in life. She’d quickly given up thoughts of living in San Francisco in favor of returning home to tend the family legacy. After all, Doug had two brothers to do whatever it was that his family expected, while Mim was the only child her parents could count on. Mim hardly considered the fact that Doug’s parents had no burdensome expectations at all. It had been so far outside of her understanding that she had overlooked the fact that his family was healthier than her own.
By the time her parents had arrived in San Francisco for her college graduation, Mim and Doug had made their decisions. Mim would go back and do as her family wanted. Doug would follow her to the small wine country town. He’d get a job, and they’d find an apartment where they could live together. Once they had a nest egg saved up, they’d get married. They’d spend the rest of their lives together in Rosemary Run, Mim getting some of what she really wanted to help wash down the bitter pill of the things she did not.
2
It was five o’clock in the morning when flames broke out. Mim was at the store, preparing for opening at seven.
It was a little earlier than she usually arrived, but she’d known she needed to check progress on the inventory that the outside agency she’d hired had been working on over the past few days. It was Mim’s store, and she had a responsibility to see to it that things were done properly. Mim had adopted Clint and Gus’ attitude. Like her father and grandfather before her, she believed that if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself.
It had been only recently that Clint and Gus had finally stepped back and let Mim take the reins completely. It was about time, too. It had been seventeen years since Mim had graduated from college and returned home to join them in business. Not to mention, Clint and Linda had been older than average when they’d had her. Clint was now nearly eighty. Gus was pushing one-hundred-three. It was long past time for them to retire.
At least, they apparently have good genes, Mim told herself, though she wasn’t sure she wanted that kind of longevity if it meant running Harmon’s well into her golden years.
Mim knew one thing for sure. She would not saddle Claudia or Lucas with the family business. When they grew up, they’d be free to make their own career choices with no undue pressure. They were eleven and twelve now. Old enough to see the impact that the family business had on their mother’s life.
Mim smelled the smoke before she saw the flames. It was a moment she knew instantly that she’d never forget. Her nose tingled with the distinctive singed aroma that could only mean one thing.
She looked around frantically to see where it was coming from. Mim was standing in the back office, which was on a raised platform overlooking the warehouse, bakery, and meat cutting areas. A handful of employees manned stations in the area below as they prepped for the day. They were all wearing masks, and none seemed to notice the smoke yet. Perhaps since smoke rises, Mim thought. She wasn’t sure. At any rate, they’d have a clear path to exit through the back door.
Glass walls surrounded Mim, but they’d provide little protection during a fire because the only way in and out was a set of stairs leading to the main area below. She’d need to get out of the office. Fast. If she didn’t, she’d be stuck. Cooked in a glass cage.
Mim picked up the landline telephone on the desk in front of her and dialed her husband. Doug picked up on the third ring, his voice groggy. It wasn’t time for him to wake up yet. His job as an accountant didn’t officially begin until nine o’clock, and that was on an early day. It was often after ten by the time he moseyed on in, having done a few miscellaneous tasks on his laptop at home.
Doug enjoyed the flexibility his firm provided. Mim sometimes resented it. She, too, would like to work from home and lounge around in bed watching the sun rise each morning from their bedroom window instead of the grocery store.
“Mim?” Doug asked. “What is it? Is everything okay?”
Her voice was calm and collected. “Doug, hon, I’m in trouble.”
He shook his head to try to focus. “What’s going on? What can I do?”
“I want you to know that I love you, Claudia, and Lucus with everything that I am. You three are the best part of my life.”
Doug sat up in bed, alarmed by his wife’s tone. This was out of character for her. Big time.
“Mim, what the hell is happening? You’re scaring me.”
Mim glanced back at the area below her. Black smoke was billowing from a stockroom on the far side. Numerous paper products and flammable cleaning liquids were stored in that area, including aerosols. It wouldn’t be long until the whole place could blow. Especially if the fire reached the adjacent room where old propane containers were stored. Flames had broken out in the worst possible part of the store. Or the best, depending on how you looked at it.
“There’s a fire at the store,” Mim explained. “I’m in the office, but I’ll need to leave soon if I’m going to get out.”
Doug jumped to his feet now, the alarm evident in his voice. “Did you call 9-1-1?”
“Not yet,” Mim said. “I wanted to tell you I loved you and the kids first. In case…”
“Miriam Candler,” Doug said sternly. “Hang up this phone and get your stubborn ass out of there. You’re not a captain who is honor bound to stay with the ship. That damn store is not worth dying for.”
He hung up the phone, then immediately called the emergency number.
Good, Miriam thought. Now firefighters are on their way. That’s important.
But she didn’t leave the office. Not yet.
She took another glance down below. Employees had definitely noticed the smoke by now. They were scrambling around and warning each other, pulling elbows and pushing shoulders towards the back door.
Cameron Templeton, the bakery manager and longtime Harmon’s employee, looked up at Mim and motioned for her to come down. “Fire!” he yelled at the top of his lungs, then doubled over coughing and gasping for air. The smoke was already getting to him.
Mim shook her head, then waved him on.
Cameron looked back in disbelief. He was a good and strong man. He was physically strong, able to help evacuate others. He wasn’t about to leave Mim behind. He glanced back at the black smoke, assessing the risk. He looked down at an old-fashioned watch on his wrist. He paused for a moment, running through scenarios in his mind. He tried one more time.
“Mim! F-I-R-E! There’s a fire! We have to get out!” Cameron yelled urgently.
Mim turned in her chair, turning her back to him.
He’s right, she thought. They’re both right. I have to get out. This store isn’t worth dying for.
But she didn’t move.
Just in time, two uniformed police officers burst in the back door. Mim turned long enough to identify them. She recognized them right away.
James Tatum took the lead, pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket and tying it around his face to block some smoke. Cameron rushed towards him, shouting and pointing up to the office where Mim sat.
Mim had known James since he was a kid. She’d even babysat him and his sister, Cate, one summer when their mom had been out of state taking care of an ailing aunt. James was a good guy. Really good. He was the best kind of guy to be a cop because he took his work seriously. He hadn’t been on the force long, but by all accounts he was doing a bangup job.
Followed closely behind was James’ partner, Lawrence Jenkins. Lawrence was Mim’s age. They had attended East Valley High School together back in the day. Lawrence had made the football team and had become a local legend. He had been on the force longer, so he was helping to mentor and train James. Mim had seen the two of them in the store together early in the morning. This was their regular shift. She could tell they made a great team.
They must have been passing by when the call came in. Otherwise, how would they have gotten here so fast?
The burn crackled from the stockroom, working itself into a rage. Lawrence held one arm up and breathed into his elbow. He didn’t have a handkerchief.
Cameron reached the officers and waved his hands wildly as he pointed up to Mim. James and Lawrence looked at each other, then Lawrence radioed something in via the mic attached to his shoulder. Cameron looked again at his watch.
Mim knew she should get up, but her legs felt heavy like lead. She couldn’t bring herself to move. She was frozen, even as the temperature climbed around her.
Something must have fallen in the stockroom, because a loud crash sounded out. It startled Mim. She turned towards the sound, the wheels of her chair squeaking. This time when she glanced out the window, there were flames dancing angrily around the stockroom door. They were piercing through the cracks and melting the wooden door like kindling.
She stood, but couldn’t make her legs walk. She looked around at all the records that would be lost if the fire reached the office. Some had sentimental value. Mim thought about Gus, then Clint. They had slaved away in this room for years, the same as her. In the file cabinets were some of Gus’ original logbooks from the sixties. On the walls hung pictures of the old men, their pride on display as they posed in front of the building on various special occasions. This store was everything to them. Mim knew it. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion. Nothing would ever compare to this feeling. Blood, sweat, and tears had been poured into this building, and now it was burning in minutes.