by Brenda Ford
I stare at my phone some more, willing every fucking God there is out there to get her to just send a message. Even if Tami were to just tell me that she is still thinking, then I would take it. It would be a thin thread, gossamer thin, but still… to go on. Something to know that I am still in her mind.
I scroll down to her name, almost as an automatic reaction, and stare at it for a while. My brothers continue to discuss the barbeque that I don’t want around me, so I tune it out and just look at her name. The love that I feel for her pours through me, it’s so full, so intense, that I can’t push it away.
I can’t let her walk away, I suddenly decide fiercely. I need her too much for that.
Without even realizing what I’m doing, I push the phone to my ear and listen to the ringing sound. It’s such a thrilling little noise that my whole body races and throbs like crazy. I can almost hear her voice in my ear already and it thrills me. It’s the only sound in the world that will make me feel better.
“What are you doing?” Wesley yells while knocking the phone out of my hand. “Are you calling her?”
“I was just…” My phone screen flickers black as Wesley’s actions have turned my phone off. “I just want to speak to her, that’s all. I want to know what’s going on with her right now.”
“She has asked for space. She has asked for time. You need to give her that.”
“I know, but… but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to talk to her.”
I know how pathetic I sound, I can hear it, but I can’t stop myself either. She’s my personal drug, I need to hit, it’s absolutely killing me. This withdrawal is ridiculous, I can barely handle it.
“Brad, this is nuts. You have to stop this,” Wesley says quietly. “I understand how fucked up this is for you, but that doesn’t make it right to not respect her wishes. She needs this time and space. You do too.”
“But what am I supposed to do? How should I get through this time?”
“We are all here for you. That’s what you need to remember. You are not alone. We will never let you be alone. So, whatever shit you are going through, we are all in it.”
I smile thinly, really appreciating what he is saying to me. I know that I am not alone, I know that I have my family, but I feel all lost and misunderstood. Like I’m the only one who has been through this.
“Thank you everyone.” I smile at them all. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You won’t ever have to worry about that. We are always going to be here. Just like you have always been for us. You have finally decided to let us help you and we won’t let you down.”
I soak that in, counting my blessings. I can’t forget that however shitty things are, it could always be worse.
“So,” Wesley continues. “Are you going to help us plan this damn barbeque or not? Because you know that Alex won’t let it go until we go through with it. You can’t beat him so you might as well join him.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I laugh a mirthless sound. “Let’s do it then. Let’s plan this damn barbeque.”
The ceiling in my bedroom isn’t too different to the ceiling at the hospital. Aside from the strip lights and the noise surrounding me as I stare at it. But my thoughts are very similar here as they were there. It’s all about Tami. She is the only person that I really care about. I want her back here with me, I need her. I’m not myself without her. There is a big bit of me missing. She has it with her, and she hasn’t given it back yet. If we don’t end up back together, I guess that is a part of me that she will always have to keep. I won’t ever get it back.
I wish that she was in my arms, kissing me, loving me, holding me and reassuring me that she loves me. I wish that she could be here planning a future with me. Talking about how we’re going to move passed this horrible event, how we will move in together, either here or in an apartment of our own, how we will get married and have kids… I want a family of my own, someone else to take care of, a baby to pour my love in to. That’s something I only want with Tami as well. I couldn’t even begin to picture that with anyone else. I don’t want to either. I don’t know if that is anything I will ever want as well. Only her, only us.
I’m going to have to buck up a little though. Just enough for this barbeque. Alex is so damn excited about it, the more the planning went on the more he grew thrilled about it. I don’t think I can just pretend that it isn’t happening because he wants me there, he wants to do this for me. Our parents as well. He is so keen to honor their memory. I won’t be able to enjoy it because Tami won’t be there, but I will have to try. For my family.
“You can do this,” I tell myself quietly. “You can get through this. It’ll be fine.”
But I don’t know if that’s the truth. I don’t know if I can hold it together for everyone else. I guess I just have to hope that Tami contacts me before then and I at least know what is going on with us. This limbo is much worse than anything else. Even the bad news will be something to work with. More than nothing.
“Just wait. Just keep going. Just remain strong. She will be in touch eventually. She will.”
She promised, and I can’t imagine Tami being someone to ever break a promise. Especially to someone she loves. And she does love me, she has proven it. It’s just a case that love might not be enough.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Tami
“I think that might be enough wine for you,” Ruby insists as I try to get my vision together enough to tip the bottle in to my glass. “I don’t really want to spend the night holding your hair back as you puke.”
“You shouldn’t…” I hiccup loudly. “You shouldn’t stay here with me tonight. You need to get back to your fiancé. He must hate me for taking up so much of your time. It isn’t right. I am fine, you know.”
“Look, you are just fine, you don’t need to be worried about that. I’m concerned for you.”
“I was too scared to stay here alone when I was sober, but I’m drunk now. I will crash out…” More hiccupping. “Oh, and Maria is locked away, isn’t she? She can’t get to me anymore. I’m good.”
Ruby gives me a strange look as I laugh. I suppose it isn’t really funny, but with so much wine floating through my system, it’s hard to judge. I haven’t really got a clue what’s going on anymore. But the laughter is better than the soul crushing sadness that I am usually experiencing. Being without Brad is killing me.
“You aren’t good though, are you?” Ruby checks in on me. “Not really.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t really know how I feel anymore. I’m just fucked up.”
“Because of Brad and this separation that you have insisted on. The one that I think is madness.”
“I know you do, Ruby.” I try to sip my wine, but there isn’t anything left. “But it’s the smart thing to do, isn’t it? We need to have some time apart. To work out how to be together. If we’re going to be together.”
“Are you?” Ruby asks with shock in her voice. “I thought that you were done.”
“I don’t know, I don’t want to be. It’s just too much, isn’t it? With the exes and stuff.”
“No, just one ex,” Ruby reminds me. “I’m sure they can’t all be crazy.”
“He said they might be though. I mean, what is he even doing to make them so crazy?” I wave my glass around, using my arms to do a lot of the communicating for me. “Will that end up being me?”
“I don’t think so. He didn’t love them, did he? But he loves you. He has told you enough times.”
“He loves me,” I echo. “He loves me, and I love him. I haven’t ever loved anyone like this.”
“Exactly, so why don’t you just stop all of this silliness and be with him already? I know that you are scared, but that doesn’t mean you should walk away. People face fear all the time and get great things from it. Facing fears can lead to some seriously great things. You should give it a try, Tami.”
I narrow my eyes at her, the alcohol in my system gi
ving me a strange sense of paranoia. “Why do you want me to be with him so bad, huh?” I demand. “Because you want to go back home? Because like I already told you, Ruby, I’m good. I don’t need to be baby sat. I’m all good by myself.”
“Oh, for goodness sake. Right, let’s get you to sleep, you drunken idiot.”
I’m just about to protest when me and Ruby are both shocked by the sound of my cell phone ringing. She gives me a horrified look, but I jump across the room and grab it, surprisingly fast, considering.
“Hello?” I yell into the receiver the moment I answer. “Hello? Who is it?”
At first, I get nothing. It reminds me of a little while earlier when it rang but only a couple of times, so I decided to ignore it. Mostly because I was still a little drunk at the time and I couldn’t be bothered to get up. I just assumed that it was a cold marketing call anyway and ii couldn’t be bothered with that…
But now, I’m not so sure. Now, I worry that it might be another ex-girlfriend. More torment. More fear. More threats on my life to deal with. I really don’t want anything else to come my way.
“Oh, hello?” Relief flows through me as I hear Alex’s voice. “Tami, it’s Alex.”
With my next words, I try to sound much more sober. “Hi, Alex. How are you?”
“Good, good. I would ask you the same question, but…” He trails off and I leave it hanging in the air awkwardly. “But anyway, I’m calling because we are having a family barbeque next weekend, on Saturday actually. I wanted to extend an invitation to you. I know that things are a little awkward at the moment, but I’m sure that Brad would love to see you. If you don’t want to come, I get it. I know you are having space, but I didn’t want you to not know about it. It would be… you know, nice to have you around.”
“Oh right.” I can barely handle this; the idea is too much to handle. “Yeah, maybe I will…”
“Oh, right good. And, not that I want to put any pressure on you or anything, but if you do decide to get back with Brad then that would be an awesome time to do it. A real happy ever after. Of course, we can’t expect you to do something that you don’t want to do, but we all love you.”
Those words are lovely. I have always been made to feel like a part of the family. It’s a wonderful thing what the Smith’s have done, but I’m still not sure. I still feel all crazed and unsure. Especially since I’m not exactly sober right now. It’s hard to be rational and smart when I have far too much wine circling through me.
“Thank you for the invite, Alex,” I rasp. “I really appreciate it. I might see you there.”
“Of course. That would be great. Good to talk to you. Goodbye, Tami.”
The phone falls from my fingers and slides to the ground with a thump, making a real racket as it does. It’s only when Ruby bends down to pick it up that I snap out of my moment of madness.
“What was that about?” Ruby asks. “A barbeque or a party or something?”
“Er, yeah, something like that. Alex wants me to go. He said that Brad will want to see me.”
“I’m sure he will. That man loves you… are you planning on going?”
I shrug helplessly, and as my shoulders fall back down a weariness over comes me. The tiredness that I was about to fight only a short while before, hits hard and all I want to do is sleep.
“I don’t know, Ruby. I don’t think that I should make the choice when I’m so shattered.”
“You’re probably right.” Ruby moves to help me as I stand up. “Let’s get you to bed and we can talk about it in the morning. Perhaps once you have recovered from the hang over.”
Urgh, that’s the one bad side about blocking out my feelings when it comes to alcohol. The hang over comes, making me feel like shit and bringing my feelings more to the surface than ever. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow until all of those feelings are over and done with. I should just sleep and sleep. I don’t have anywhere to go tomorrow… although it is Sunday which is problematic. I need to work out what I will do Monday. My job is on the line here, I need to work out what way I want to deal with it.
“Ruby,” I moan as I fall in to bed without bothering to change my clothing. “Ruby, I love you, you know? You are my best friend and I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I love you too, sweetie, which is why I want you to be happy. I just want you to have it all.”
She sits beside me and strokes my head for a moment as I drift off. This reminds me of what my mother used to do when I was a kid to help me get to sleep, back when my family was together. My mom would stroke my forehead, my dad sang, it was lovely. I might be an adult now, but I miss those days. I miss having a secure family unit. It’s what I want to have when I have a child one day in the future. A proper family where my baby girl or boy feels safe. That’s why I need to make sure that the person I fall in love with is stable. That’s why I need that safety at all times. It might be a bit premature to consider that far ahead, but right now, it feels like the right thing to do. To consider my future in the most broad terms possible. To know that my choice is right.
Eventually, I slide into a wonderful dream state where I don’t need to worry about anything other than me and Brad. That’s where he slides in to my arms, between my thighs, and we hold on to one another tight, right where he belongs. As soon as my sub conscious takes over, he is here, back in my life, back inside of me. He slips into me, giving me a much needed release that I so desperately need. As he thrusts, he tells me over and over again that he loves me. He reassures me that we are going to be together forever and that nothing will get in our way. I cling to him, believing every word that he says, needing this love more than anything in the world.
The confusion floods away. I don’t even know why I was so conflicted. It’s obvious that me and him are supposed to be together. Here, in my dream world, we can just be happy and together. We can explore our love. And our love feels amazing. It’s heady and burning hot, it has delightful flames licking all over my skin. I don’t want it to end. I want to keep thrusting with this man forever. No one else does it so good.
“Oh, fuck,” I rasp out as his thrusting sends me flying towards the knife edge of desire. I toss my head back and succumb to the sensations of pleasure as they cascade through me. “Brad, I need you.”
“I need you too.” His finger nails dig in to my back. “That’s why I don’t want you to leave…”
All of a sudden, I’m no longer spinning into heaven. I’m curled up in a ball beside him, sobbing. The joy has gone, taking the bliss with it, leaving me a damn mess. “I don’t want to leave either. I want to be with you. I don’t know why I’m not. I don’t understand how I have let things get this far.”
Brad doesn’t say anything. Probably because he is in my sub conscious and I don’t know what I want him to say. He simply holds me to him and lets me cry it out. The tears don’t seem to ever stop flowing.
“The barbeque,” I gasp out. “Alex invited me to the barbeque. Should I go?”
“You know that I want to have you there. I will always want to have you around me.”
I cry harder, the confusion back in full force. I know what my heart is telling me, and I also know what my head thinks as well, but each choice feels right and wrong in equal measures. I have a dead line now, not an enforceable one, but one all the same. A time in which to make my decision. A week to know which way my life is going to go, to make the most important choice of my whole damn life.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Brad
“Are they gone?” I ask Angelo as he re-enters my office. “Did you get rid of them?”
“They are not only gone, but they also know that the cops might be on their tail now, so they are very scared. Which is probably good considering everything that they have done.” Angelo sighs sadly.
“I know that you hate all of this and I’m sorry for putting you on the spot like that…”
“No, no, it isn’t that.” He shakes his head. “I just don’t li
ke what all of this is doing to you. I don’t like seeing you all broken by these people. It isn’t right. You don’t deserve this. I mean, none of them even have a good reason for doing what they have done, do they? Just jealousy. That’s it. Hayley obviously doesn’t like not being promoted; Tawny doesn’t like not being seen as the prettiest here. Beth and Amy… well, I think they might have just been dragged along for the ride, not that it excuses their behavior.”
Urgh, I’m just glad that they aren’t here to trouble me anymore. And there won’t be any threats of employee unfair dismissal cases because they know that they have done terribly wrong. The evidence speaks for itself. They know for sure that they need to be more worried by the law than unemployment anyway.
“And Maria,” I laugh mirthlessly. “Don’t forget Maria and her insanity.”
“I would love nothing more than to forget about Maria and I’m sure you feel the same.”
“Yeah well, since she has been officially charged now and they think she will definitely get a lengthy jail sentence, maybe I can finally start to forget about her for good now. Hopefully, her time locked away will sort her out and give her a much better outlook on life. I don’t ever want to see her again.”
Angelo nods and takes a seat opposite me. “So, what do we do now? We’re going to have to get a lot more new employees, aren’t we? To replace those that have gone now.”
“Do you think that includes Tami, since she isn’t here today?” Even saying her name chills me to the bone. It broke me to walk in today and see her desk empty. It wasn’t a massive shock, but it still sucks.
Angelo doesn’t have an answer to that. He simply stares at me as if he’s trying to work out how quickly I’m going to crack. I’m not though, not here. Not in front of everyone. I’m sure that the rest of the employees here are worried that everything is about to fall apart around them. Because of the mean girls, because of me, because of Tami. I would be concerned too if I was in their position. Worried that I would be out of a job too… but that isn’t going to happen. I refuse to lose my parent’s legacy over this. I just won’t let it happen.