by Brenda Ford
“No, but if one comes our way, then why not?” She shrugs. “It’ll be fun to see anyway. Anything can happen.”
I don’t stop smiling, however much I want to. I nod and let her think that I’m totally on board with everything. And who knows? Maybe she’s right and the whole double date thing will work out well. It’s possible that I could meet someone that I like. Not as much as Angelo, sure, but it’s worth a try.
Chapter Six
Angelo
This isn’t working, I think sadly to myself as I stare across the table to see Mandy’s pissed face. I had such high hopes for this date and it’s definitely not going as I thought it would. I have spent all day planning, being happy with my idea, thinking that I had everything under control. But it seems that I was wrong.
The surprise was the first thing to fail. She went a bit mad saying that she already had plans for tonight that she didn’t want to cancel. It took a lot for me to persuade her to give up whatever she had sorted to work on our relationship. I tried not to get mad, to get upset that she wasn’t putting us first, but I’m trying to not worry about that now. I pushed it to the back of my mind and managed to convince her that everything would be fine…
But now, we’re here at this incredible restaurant with great food and a candle flickering between us, and I’m getting nothing back. She’s barely even making eye contact with me which is gutting.
This can’t be the end, I tell myself determinedly. I need to find a way to make this work.
“So, is everything going well with work?” I ask, trying to bring her focus off her phone screen for a moment.
“Huh? What? Yeah, work… work is good. It’s busy. You know how it is. I’m emailing now.”
It doesn’t look like she’s emailing anyone. It looks like she’s texting, but I’ll let that slide. “Oh right, okay. Well, erm… work for me is good too.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this, she hasn’t asked. But I just need to do what I can to fill the silence. “It’s been busy. Brad has been riding my ass, everyone’s to be honest. Trying to make sure that everyone is focused on the newest campaigns…” Still nothing. She definitely isn’t listening to me. Still, I can’t stop myself. “And Oliver… well, you know what he is like. Always hiding away from any drama. He hates it, doesn’t he? So, he’s been locked away in his office the entire time.”
I tap my finger on the table, trying to get her to just look at me already. I’m sick of talking into nothingness, but she’s rudely lifted her phone right up by her face now and she’s totally blocked me out.
“Do you want dessert?” I snap. “Or should we just leave already so you can finish your work?”
“Work?” She narrows her eyes at me, showing her confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I thought you were sending work emails. That’s what you told me just a moment ago.”
“Right… work yes.” She rests her phone on the table, finally accepting the hint. “All is done now.”
“So, can I have your attention now, or what? Do you want to have some dessert?”
She shrugs and half nods all at once. “Sure, whatever. I could eat some more.”
It’s a struggle to get some air into my lungs as I stare at her. If I was trying to recreate the early days with this, then I have failed massively. Before, our phones never would have made it up on to the table. We were so busy being interested in one another’s stories and staring in to each other’s eyes that nothing else mattered.
Maybe this is normal. Like the passion in the early days which wanes over time. It doesn’t last, but what a couple is left with is something different. Something better. Perhaps I need to see what me and Mandy share now as something better than what we had before. It’s just… comfortable. That’s all.
“Okay,” I say sadly. “I will call the waiter over and we can order something.”
As I suspected, her eyes are back on her phone in a moment, she’s messaging again, blocking me out. This reminds me of what Wesley said about looking into her phone. I could see who she’s messaging, what she’s saying about me and this date. If she’s talking to her friends, I could find out why she doesn’t want to know me.
Despite the knowledge that really isn’t something that I would ever do, the idea of seeing in to Mandy’s brain makes my heart race faster. I so desperately want to crack her open and find everything out. The intensity of this desperation is almost killing me. I can feel myself slowly going insane. This isn’t me anymore. I don’t feel like myself. I’m just this sad pathetic person who is desperate to be loved by his girlfriend.
“Mandy…” I lean forwards onto my elbows and stare at her. “I think that we need to talk.”
“About what?” She glances at me for just a second. “Something going on, Angelo?”
Communication. That’s what we need right now. We just need to man up and talk this through. I have to be open and honest, say everything that needs to be said so we can properly move on.
“About us. About me and you. Things seem strange between me and you at the moment.”
“Hmm? They do?” How does this not get any effort from her at all? “Sure, whatever.”
Right, I have the stage, it’s time for me to say what I need to say. Now, I just need to work out what that is.
“So, I think you might be pulling away from me, Mandy. I think we should talk about what I’m doing wrong and how I can make things better. I don’t know about you, but I think that we have been together for far too long to just not talk about this and to let things rot. I want to work on us, to be okay again.”
This feels good. This is me doing the adult thing and talking to her, getting the information right from the horse’s mouth. I don’t need to spy on Mandy, I don’t need to do anything crazy, I just need to talk.
“I think everything is fine,” Mandy shocks me by replying. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
As she completely dismisses my feelings, acting like I’m crazy or something, she rises to her feet and grabs her bag. She points towards the bathroom, acting like this is a completely normal time for her to take a break from our conversation, leaving it right there, and she walks away leaving me alone with my personal strife.
What the hell? I lean back in my chair and stare at her as she walks away. How can she not care?
If she had come to me about anything like that, even if I didn’t agree with her, I would have listened. I’d have done anything to make things right again. But she didn’t care about me at all. She just walked off…
I don’t know what to think, how to feel, how to digest this. I’m just dumbfounded.
“What the…?” I kick my foot out by accident and hit something on the ground. I lean down, not expecting to see anything at all, or just a menu or something which has tumbled to the floor, but what I actually find myself looking at is a cell phone which has fallen. Mandy’s cell phone. When she slipped it into her bag, it must have fallen out. Without even thinking about it, I lean right forwards and grab it.
“Fucking thing,” I mutter as I slam it down on the table. “Ruining my night.”
As the phone hits the table, it lights up, bringing a message with it. I don’t mean to look at it, I don’t know what draws me in really. I already know that Mandy is fierce about her privacy. This definitely isn’t right. But I need something to go on, some information to make this right, and this is the only way.
A: I miss you, sexy. I’m sorry our plans got cancelled, but you can always show me those special panties tomorrow if you can get away then. I will wait for you however long it takes x
My blood runs cold. My eyes become fuzzy and dizzy. I don’t know what the hell to think about that. That’s a sexy message suggesting that her plans tonight that she really didn’t want to cancel, were with another man. Of course, my brain immediately snaps back to the message I got six months ago about her cheating on me. I allowed her to talk me around, I fell for everything that she said to me, and now I might be about to be m
ade a fool of.
I rack my brain, trying to work out who this ‘A’ might be, but of course I don’t know. We have a separation in our lives. I don’t know a lot of the people that she spends time with. This could be anyone in the damn world.
“What the hell are you doing?” Mandy snaps, grabbing the phone from me. I didn’t even know that she had returned. I’m simply lost in this little bubble of despair. “Why do you have my phone?”
“You dropped it,” I rasp out, unable to look at her at all. “I found it on the floor.”
I don’t look but I sense her staring at the screen and seeing what I just saw. “Oh, so you were reading my messages, huh?” she snaps angrily. “I’m not allowed any privacy now. Is that right?”
“I didn’t look for it. It just came up.” I shrug, wondering why I feel bad now.
“Well, you shouldn’t even be touching my stuff. I don’t look at your shit.” She takes her seat and stares at me. “And this is why. Because I can see you jumping to conclusions. I don’t even need to ask what you’re thinking…”
“What am I supposed to think? What else can I get from that?”
“That’s why you shouldn’t read it!” She tosses her hands in the air in frustration. “It’s my friend. It’s a little joke. I told you that I had a girl’s night tonight with Amber and the rest of them.”
“Amber?” That’s a name I haven’t ever heard mentioned before. She didn’t tell me this.
“Yes, Amber. She is one of the new intern girls. Anyway, that isn’t relevant. We were going to have a little night in, and I said as a joke that we should all wear sexy underwear. It’s just stupid girl stuff.”
That is the most suspicious thing that I have ever heard Mandy say. Do women really do that? Wear sexy underwear for one another? I was too dizzy and sick to question it really.
“Right, so they had to cancel the night because of you and this date?”
“They didn’t cancel it. When I messaged Amber, I said that I would show her my panties another day. It’s just a stupid joke. You wouldn’t get it because you weren’t a part of the conversation.” I must be giving her a suspicious look because she rolls her eyes at me. “You want to see the rest of the messages.”
This is a test. I’m not stupid enough not to notice that, which is the only reason why I shake my head. Of course, I want to see the rest of the messages. Anyone with any curiosity would, but that can’t happen. Mandy has somehow snatched back the control once more and I have to let her have it. Just because that’s the way it’s always been. Her shoulders slump forwards with relief. She’s glad to have gotten away with this again… or glad to have me finally seeing her point of view anyway, depending on how I want to look at it.
Am I really going to believe this again? Despite all the evidence?
Am I really going to throw myself away from Mandy? All those years just gone?
I don’t know what the hell to do.
Chapter Seven
Rachel
“See? Aren’t you glad you wore that dress?” Sheri yells over the loud music blasting through the bar. “Look at all of the attention you’re getting. Guys are absolutely loving you tonight. It’s great.”
I smile and nod, trying to hide my gritted teeth. “Yeah, it’s good. I’m glad we came out.”
The night is good, I am enjoying it, but I don’t like all of the attention. It’s unpleasant and not what I want. Men using cheesy chat up lines, trying to instigate any kind of reaction from me, no matter what it takes, making lewd comment about my chest just because I have a low-cut neck line on. I feel good, I’m enjoying the way that I look, but it isn’t an invitation for anyone to stare at me like this. It isn’t right.
“I really like Luke. He’s so damn cute,” Sheri continues. “Do you think I should ask him out?”
I lean across my friend to see a nice-looking pretty guy smiling at her. He seems okay to me. Not a particularly threatening guy. Not someone who would cause that edgy feelings of danger when around him… but if that isn’t what she wants, then that’s fine. So, I shrug and smile at Sheri, silently telling her to go for it.
“Yeah. I think I’m going to ask him out. Not only that, but also, I’ll see if he has a friend for you. This isn’t just me finding a date, is it? This is for the pair of us. We need to have a double date.”
“No, you don’t need to…” I call after her, but it’s too late. She’s already gone. Gone to ask Luke if he has someone for her sad friend who apparently can’t get a date all by herself. What a sorry state of affairs.
With a deep sigh, I turn around to the bar and order myself yet another drink. I would say by now that I have had at least three too many, but that isn’t going to stop me from having another. I need to get very tipsy if I don’t want to be rude to Luke who might very kindly offer to find me a date.
Almost the moment the bar tender gives me my drink, I suck it back and finish it. It burns the back of my throat and slides down to my stomach, causing a little more fuzziness to me. It’s nice, I need that sensation to block out the sadness that still threatens to consume me if I allow it to.
“Fuck it.” I slide off the bar stool as Sheri flirts away with Luke. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
It surprises me that I can walk in a straight line. It seems like I’m not quite as drunk as I thought I was, which is a nice shock for me. As I head in to the bathroom, I find a little smile on my face.
“Fucking men!” a young woman screams at her phone. “I fucking hate you, you piece of shit.”
“Er, sorry.” As her eyes drag up to meet mine, I feel like I have just walked in on something private. “I didn’t mean to…” I point behind me. “Do you need me to leave? I can come back later if you want?”
“No, no, come in.” She grins happily at me, which is strange since she was so pissed off just a moment ago. “I’m just pissed off with this guy that I’m seeing. He’s supposed to be here tonight, but he hasn’t turned up.”
“Men.” I roll my eyes, kinda glad to meet someone else with love life troubles. “Honestly, they make life so difficult, don’t they? It would be so much better if they just weren’t around.”
“I know, right!” She holds out her hand for me to shake, which I do. “I’m Keeley, by the way. Keeley who is being abandoned by fucking Jon who is supposed to be showing me that he can actually commit after eight months. Like, that’s long term, right? I have been faithful to him; all I want is for him to do the same.”
I nod, as if I know what she’s talking about, but I don’t really. I don’t have any experience in a long-term thing, eight months or longer. I don’t know if that’s something I can comment on. “Well, I’m Rachel.”
“What about you, huh?” she asks. “A gorgeous girl like you. I bet you have no trouble getting guys to commit to you. I bet you have a line of them just wanting to be the one you choose to marry.”
I laugh bitterly. “Huh, if only that were the truth. No, no guys wanting to be with me.”
“Oh whatever!” Keeley laughs. “That just means there is one you want that you can’t have.”
That statement leaves me breathless. It’s too close to the truth for comfort. “Err, yes, I guess so.”
“Tell me about it,” Keeley demands. “Take me away from the shit of my situation.”
I can’t help myself, I do still want to talk about this and I have exhausted using Sheri as a source. She just wants me to move on now. With the booze swimming around in my system, I can hardly contain myself.
“Well, the guy that I love has a girlfriend already. One who treats him like shit. She’s cheating on him and everything, but he just doesn’t want to see it. So, there isn’t anything that I can do.”
“No!” Keeley pouts out her bottom lip. “That sucks, Rachel. I can’t believe that any man wouldn’t want you, that seems insane, but we always want what we can’t have, don’t we? I mean, Jon is a massive dick, yet I still keep believing that me and him are going to be together. It
’s stupid.”
“Yeah, well I guess me and you are the same on that front.” I smile thinly. “Wanting what we can’t have.”
“Maybe we should make a deal to keep away from these guys,” Keeley practically yells. “Never see them again. I mean, they aren’t any good for us, are they? So, what’s the point of seeing them.”
“I would love that, but unfortunately I can’t make that happen. I’m in a band with his twin brother.”
“No! That’s a nightmare. Oh my God, how the hell do you handle it? That’s insane.”
“I know.” I can’t help but laugh at her over the top reaction. “But that’s my life.”
Keeley drunkenly grabs my shoulders and stares in to my eyes. “Then you need to be strong, Rachel. You need to find your inner goddess and be strong. If you can’t avoid him, then be strong.”
“You don’t think I need to move on?” I ask. “My friend keeps telling me that I need to move on.”
“Not if you aren’t ready for it, no.” She shakes her head hard. “You have to work out what is right for you. I might not have known you for very long, but I can already see the strength inside of you. You have an intense power that you just need to harness. To make sure you survive this.”
Maybe it was the drink or perhaps this is exactly what I need to hear, but I find myself nodding and soaking it all in. I do need to use my inner strength, to survive this somehow. I can’t keep being weak and feeble. This man doesn’t want me, so I can’t continue to let myself fall at his feet. He doesn’t even notice me, aside from that one time where he complimented me. But I can’t allow one compliment to have my head in a spin.
“Well, you need to do the same,” I tell her seriously. “You need to forget this Jon guy. If he doesn’t know what a catch you are, then he needs to lose you. There is someone out there who deserves you and will commit to you without even having to consider it. You just need to give them the space to come to you.”