by Brenda Ford
Chapter Thirteen
Rachel
“This is a nice bar,” Tom says to me with a giant smile. “This is where Sheri met Luke?”
I nod and point towards the bar stools. “Yes, this is where they met. And that’s where they spent the entire night kissing and making everyone feel awkward. A bit like they are doing right now.”
Much to my annoyance, my prediction has come true. Sheri and Luke can’t keep their hands off of one another. Their offer to help has fallen to the way side and now they are wrapped up in one another once more. I don’t even know if they are aware of us still in the room. It’s utterly humiliating to deal with.
Luckily, Tom is a nice guy. If he was awful, I wouldn’t be able to be here anymore, but he’s nice. However, nice is all that he is. I can have a decent conversation with him, but he doesn’t create even a speck of sparks inside of me. Knowing the chemistry between me and Angelo and how wonderful that can feel, not having it is really noticeable. There just isn’t that feeling between us that I know can lead to something else.
“Well it’s bad enough for us to sit watching them together,” Tom continues. “How did you cope?”
Because I was with Angelo, I think sadly, my heart thumping in my chest. He made it all okay.
Then he took me home and we kissed. Now, if I touch my lips, I can still feel that delicious kiss now. The tingling, the butterflies, the warmth that came from his body pressed against mine.
“I didn’t stay long,” I reply thinly. “So, I guess I didn’t cope with it that well.”
As soon as Sheri mentioned that we were coming here again, I got a bad feeling about it. I didn’t think that it was a good idea to come back to where I have all of these memories with Angelo, but I could express my dislike with the idea without expressing why. So, here I am, suffering everything that I thought and feared.
“I can’t believe you are in Blood Red Masters,” Tom continues. “What is that like? It must be so exciting.”
People always assume that about the rock and roll life style, and in a way, they are right but in another it isn’t all that. It can be just like any other job in some respects. There are good points and bad points. Positives and negatives. It is great for me to have my passion as my career, but I don’t want it to be all I talk about.
“It’s good. I do like it. But I bet it isn’t much different to you working in finance. You know, if that’s what you love. And you were saying before that you always did well in math in high school.”
“Hmm, I am passionate about it, but I wouldn’t call it exciting,” he laughs. “It’s just right for me.”
“Then yes, I guess that music is the same. Just right for me.”
“Have you written any songs? Or do you play what the other’s write?”
Hmm, it seems that I am going to be spending all night talking about the band then. “A bit of both. Usually, we all work together on songs so it’s a bit of a joint effort. The best way for us.”
“Right, I see.” Tom’s eyes light up in an unusual way. I can’t help but wonder if he’s having some kind of fantasy about being with the girl in the band. I never want to be that piece of meat to anyone, especially when there isn’t really anything there for us to work on. “And what’s it like being on tour?”
“I like playing live music, but I also enjoy being at home, so it has its own perks…”
I notice out from the corner of my eyes that Sheri and Luke have pulled apart. But unfortunately, it’s only for long enough to check that me and Tom are doing well without them. The moment they spot us having a conversation and they determine that we don’t need them anymore, they return to kissing all over again.
Urgh, this is getting frustrating now. This isn’t what I got all dressed up for tonight. To make a new friend. That isn’t going to help me get over Angelo, is it? I need fire, I need spark, I need passion. All of it. I resist the urge to roll my eyes because Tom doesn’t need my rudeness. He isn’t a bad person, just not the one for me.
“I bet it’s wonderful to watch you playing live. I would love it.” Tom leans his face on his hands and smiles in to the air, not really looking at me at all. I’m no longer a real person to him, just a fantasy. A thrilling way to dive head first in to a life completely different from his own. Well, that isn’t going to happen with me, I can tell him that much! “I would love it. You’ll have to tell me when you’re next playing.”
I nod slowly, as if this is something that I’m actually going to do. “Hmm, sure.”
“I could tell everyone that I’m with that hot girl up there. The drummer. God, the guys from work wouldn’t know what to think of that at all. They assume that I’m a square which I don’t have to be…”
“Okay.” This is getting too much for me now. I can’t sit around and listen to this any longer. It’s making me feel sick. Not because I blame him but because it’s simply reminding me that I’m not ever going to find love. My one chance has long gone. “I just need to pop outside for a moment. To have a cigarette.”
I don’t even know why that line flew out of my mouth. It’s a lie since I don’t even smoke, but it’s an excuse that I need to roll with now. I shuffle outside, glad that it has at least brought me some time. Time to think, time to breathe, time to work out what’s going to happen next. Obviously, I need to find a nice way to end this date with Tom without affecting anyone. I don’t want him to be upset for the loss of the real me, and I don’t want to upset Sheri and Luke either. Perhaps a double date wasn’t the best idea after all…
“Rachel?” A voice shakes through me, ruining my moment alone in the fresh air. “Is that you?”
No. I decide for a moment that I really am going mad. No, no, no. There is just no way.
Angelo can’t be here now, again, just as I’m trying to move on. He can’t. It isn’t fair. That man kissed me and went back to Mandy. He picked her over me but won’t leave me alone for long enough to get over him myself. Why does he have to torture me so much? Why can’t I just recover already?
“Angelo?” But as my eyes drag up, and I fix them on to the speaker, I can see that it is him. The man that I want to avoid. Annoyingly, my heart starts racing at the speed of light and if feel everything for him. All that I want to experience with Tom but can’t. All that I don’t want to feel for another woman’s boyfriend. “What… erm, what are you doing here? Why aren’t you…?” I don’t finish that sentence; I don’t know where I’m going with it. I have no idea where he should be, so I don’t say anything at all. “I mean, I…”
“I was going to come in for a drink.” He stares at the bar. “Somehow, I ended up here again.”
“Hmm, me too.” I don’t think I should tell him why I’m here. It feels too weird to do so. Not that he would have any reason to be annoyed about it since he’s been back with Mandy ever since our kiss. Maybe I should tell him, so he knows how it feels to be rejected and looked over. “But I will probably go now. So, you don’t need to worry about me being in there while you have a drink or whatever.”
He gives me a strange look as if he can’t understand why me and him shouldn’t be in the same bar… which hurts me more. That just means he doesn’t care at all. It meant nothing to him. He hasn’t been torturing himself over me and that kiss like I have. It just makes me feel incredibly ill and stupid.
“Why won’t you be in there?” he asks me quietly. “I don’t want to be in there without you.”
Uh oh, those words chill me to the bone. They should make me feel good, but they don’t. Not when it’s all so complicated. “You didn’t come here looking for me, did you, Angelo?”
I don’t even know why I ask this; I really don’t know the answer. Especially when he starts looking at me with a familiar glint in his eyes. One that I know can only lead to danger. My pulse speeds up, my stomach begins to churn with a nervous excitement that I can’t calm down however hard I try. This really isn’t good. If I had any sense inside of myself, then I would make my excuses
and head back inside, or at least go home. I wouldn’t remain here standing in front of the predator just waiting to be devoured by him.
But it seems there is no sense in me, so here I stay. My eyes lock with his, I become completely embroiled in his gaze. As we stare at one another, I feel all those feelings flooding me once more. I need to pull away, to ensure that we don’t end up making more mistakes since I know I can only get hurt more, but I’m stuck.
“What are we doing?” I whisper, my eyes flickering all over his face. “This is bad. It’s crazy.”
He doesn’t answer me. Instead, I sense his hands snaking around my waist again, tugging me closer to him. The magnetic pull is unavoidable. I can’t do anything about it as the intoxicating sensation takes claim of me. I fall against him, leaning in to him and pressing myself against him. That warmth in his body radiates through me and makes me feel safe and loved all over again. A sensation that I know is all wrong.
His nose brushes against mine and I tingle all over. Before I can contain the situation, my lips purse out wards towards him, calling him, coxing him towards me, which he goes with willingly. His mouth means mine and we begin kissing frantically like we were before. Almost more desperate than before because we both know how dangerous this is. My fingers claw at him, like I’m trying to undress him because I need everything this time.
As me and Angelo kiss with more passion than I have ever felt before, the rest of the world melts away in to nothingness. The date that I’m supposed to be on vanishes into thin air, Sheri and her negative opinions about this situation go, the fact that we’re out in public means nothing anymore. It’s just me and him. How I want it to be. This is how I would love the rest of my life with this wonderful, incredible man.
Wait, my brain screams at me bringing reality back with it. Don’t do this without information.
Even though it kills me, I pull back and stare in to his eyes, needing some clarification.
“Angelo, what are we doing here?” I ask, hating myself for needing to know. “What is happening here? I can’t do this without knowing…”
His eyes fall, the atmosphere changes, and much as I don’t like it, it’s needed.
Chapter Fourteen
Angelo
My arm is linked through Rachel’s as she walks me home. Physically, without kissing, we’re the closest that we have ever been, but emotionally I can’t seem to pull her back to me however hard I try. It’s because I haven’t answered her, I haven’t given her any conclusion as to where we go from here. I can’t blame her. I know exactly how she feels, but I don’t know yet enough to give her a conclusive answer.
I’m torn. Torn because Mandy has always been in my life and it’s strange to let her go. Torn because I haven’t ever liked anyone as much as I like Rachel and it scares me. Torn because this is all I want in the world. Torn because it seems like a massive jump from one crazy situation straight into another. I’m a mess.
“Everyone keeps telling me that Mandy has been cheating on me for ages,” I finally confess, just so she knows what’s going on here. I need to be as honest as I can. “I haven’t wanted to believe it because we’ve been together for ages. But recently I have seen a lot of signs.” I sigh loudly. “Well, not too recently actually. About half a year ago I got a message telling me about the cheating, but I didn’t want to believe it.”
She stiffens for just a moment, clearly in an awkward position, but she doesn’t say anything back. I guess since we’ve kissed and done a bit of cheating ourselves, there isn’t much to say. I know that it isn’t the same. We’ve only kissed during periods when it’s pretty obvious that me and Mandy are on the way out, but it still isn’t right.
“I’m a mess over all of this, and I really am sorry to you, Rachel. You shouldn’t be in the middle of this mess.”
“So, why am I?” she practically whispers back, stunning me to the core.
“Because…” I don’t have an answer to that. Honestly, I’m not too sure. “Because I’m fascinated by you.”
“Fascinated?” She turns her head to look at me, her eyes filled with wonder. I love that curiosity in her eyes, it’s so pretty. “Why? There isn’t anything fascinating about me. I’m just a very normal person…”
“Normal? You’re a rock chick. One of the most awesome people I know.”
“Mmm.” Her face falls at that remark. She steps a little away from me.
“What’s going on?” I move closer to her once more. “Don’t you like being thought of like that?”
“You want to know the truth?” I nod, unsure if I do or not. “I’ve just been roped into a double date with my friend.” Those words make me want to puke. I have no right to feel jealous because of me and Mandy, but I do anyway. “And we had no romantic feelings towards one another, but he seemed to have a rock star fantasy about me. I wasn’t really a person to him, just an idea. It sucked; I don’t like being seen in that way.”
I feel bad, this is something that I should be aware of really since Alex is my twin. He hasn’t ever said anything to that effect, but if I was a little more aware of his feelings then this would be something I know.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound like that. I was only trying to show you that you’re interesting.” Now that the words are out, I can’t stop them from rolling off my tongue. “You’re beautiful as well. Very funny. I had the best time with you the other night at the bar, it was amazing. I really enjoy your company…”
“You do?” If I didn’t know any better, I would swear that there is a tear in her eye. “I never thought…”
Her words fall away, and I know why. There isn’t a lot to say about this while we’re in this situation. Torn, neither of us knowing which way to turn. There needs to be some separation for us to sort it all out first. So, we can start on the right page. I should probably say that to her, but I’m afraid to. Communication hasn’t exactly worked out for me today, so I don’t want to go down that road again.
“We’re here,” I say quietly as we get outside my house. “You want to come in? Alex might be there…”
I don’t know what I want her to say really, but there’s a definitely relief inside of me when she nods. I guess I’m not done with Rachel yet. I’m also glad that she isn’t going back to her date. I wouldn’t like that.
“I’ll come in. It would be nice to see your brothers.”
I almost take her hand as we step inside, but I stop myself at the last moment. I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to have that kind of connection for our benefit, never mind anyone else seeing it. I’m already in a complicated romance mess without my brothers knowing the half of it. They will only tolerate so much from me.
“Angelo!” Of course, the first person I walk into isn’t who I want to see. Wesley. He halts talking to Oliver and opens his eyes wide as if it’s a horrible shock to see me. He must have been speaking about me.
“It’s okay, I’m going,” I reply coldly. “You can carry on your discussion without worrying about me.”
I stroll passed them both, ignoring their silence. It takes me a couple of moments and a journey half way up the stairs to realize that Rachel isn’t with me. I glance towards the other room to see her in a serious conversation with Wesley. If he’s telling her what she already pretty much knows about my relationship, I will lose my shit. He has already been far too involved in my life. He doesn’t need to make it any worse.
I continue my journey up the stairs with anger burning through me and I stomp in to my bedroom. I do feel a bit like a petulant teenager as I slam the door behind me, but that’s how I feel right now. Like my hormones are going crazy and no one understands me. Why the fuck is everyone making everything worse for me?
I pace up and down the room, every second that ticks past making me more annoyed by the moment. What is Rachel doing? Why is she still down there with Wesley and Oliver? I thought that she came here with me. In a moment I am going to yell for her to get lost already. She’s been making
me feel better, but no more. Not knowing what my brother is saying to her is terrifying the living shit out of me. I mean, he was calling me earlier, wasn’t he? Perhaps he found out something else about Mandy and now he’s telling Rachel because I wouldn’t listen.
Not only will he lose me and Mandy, but he’ll take Rachel away from me too. He might not know what he’s doing, but that makes no difference to my mood right now. I don’t want to end up all alone…
“Can I come in?” Rachel suddenly whispers through my door, making me jump. “Or shall I go?”
“Come in.” I don’t even need to hesitate. I don’t really want her to go. “Come here.”
I perch on the edge of my bed and stare at her as she slips her way inside my room. Her face doesn’t have a shadow of guilt across it which I guess is a good thing… unless she doesn’t think that she has done anything wrong of course. Perhaps she assumes it’s acceptable to discuss my private life without me.
“Wesley is worried about you, that’s all,” she assures me, seeming to know exactly what I’m thinking. “Oliver too. They just wanted to know if you were okay. I didn’t tell them anything other than you were fine. I don’t know what they know and what you want them to know, so I’m not going to say anything.”
I nod, shocked by her loyalty. That was actually really cool of her. “Thank you.”
“You have sky high walls, don’t you?” she asks curiously. “Obviously, I know the moment when things are complicated, so they need to be there. But it seems like they are always there.”
“I don’t know,” I admit with the smallest of shrugs in my shoulders. “I’m not really sure right now.”
She steps closer to me and cups my cheeks in her hands. As she stares into my eyes, I feel like this might be the one person in the whole world who understands me right now. More than I understand myself. I need that. I yearn for someone to get what I’m suffering right now. I need her, this woman who makes me feel new.