by Brenda Ford
“Rachel, shit.” His hands knot up in my hair, he guides my movements for a short while, showing me the speed, he likes, but soon I get control of the rhythm and he leaves me to it, giving me all the power of him. “Oh wow, Rachel, you don’t know…” he gasps out. “You don’t know how good this feels. It’s too much.”
I taste all of him, sucking and licking every inch of his steel rode, committing every part of him to memory. Once his eyes fall closed because the pleasure gets too much for him, I do the same thing. I become a slave to the sensations of him between my lips and I absolutely love every bit of him. The stiffer he becomes, the tenser his muscles get, the closer I push him towards the edge, the quicker I pick up the pace. I might have an intense need throbbing between my legs, but I want to have him explode down my throat, so I can devour his desire.
I grip my hands around his butt so he can’t pull away, he can’t stop this from happening, because I know what Angelo is like. He will be worried about my pleasure as well. Much as I want him inside of me, I need to make tonight all about him. He’s the one who needs the distraction from everything going on in his life.
When it doesn’t seem like he’s going to move away, I gently slide one of my hands around to the front of him and trace patterns softly over his balls, causing his hips to buck violently. At one point I find myself writing words, and I’m pretty sure I even write ‘I love you’. I suppose that’s one way of telling him without actually saying it aloud and risking rejection. I still don’t quite know how deeply he feels for me yet.
“Holy fuck!” All of a sudden, he screams aloud and erupts down my throat. That sweet salty taste I had a little tip of before fills me up, warms my throat, and slides all the way down to my stomach. “Oh my God.”
He gasps and pants desperately, hugging my head as he does. He leans over me, clinging on to me, and doing what he can to gather himself up. I grab his legs and hold him too, pouring all of my love in to him. Communicating everything that I can without speaking.
“Oh my God, Rachel, that was… was a nice surprise.” He pulls me to my feet and presses his lips to mine. “But then I don’t know why I’m surprised really. Everything you do is incredible.”
I lean my head against his chest and listen in to the sound of his racing heart and panting ragged breaths. I do feel nice here in his arms, but I can’t help clinging on to a lot of guilt as well. I might have distracted Angelo, but I can’t distract myself. I know what’s going on with Alex, I also understand why he shouldn’t be worried about Mandy as well, but I haven’t said anything. On the one hand, it isn’t really my place to say anything, I’m not directly in the middle of the issue, but on the other, I know something that could help the man that I love. So, doesn’t that make it my problem? Perhaps I should just say it and get it over and done with.
“Do you want to go to bed?” Angelo asks me, taking me from my thoughts. “I’m shattered.”
“Yeah,” I nod, not saying anything yet again. I’m sure that it’s the coward’s way out, but I’m too afraid.
“Come on.” He slings is arm over my shoulder. “I’ll carry you up.”
He lifts me up and carries me to my bedroom in a fireman’s carry towards the bed. As soon as we reach the bed, he drops me on to the sheets and starts kissing me passionately, stirring up just about enough feeling to switch my scary negative feelings off. I hook my hands around his neck and return the kissing, moaning deliciously as he slides down my body to return the pleasure I just gave him. Angelo will never leave me out!
Once at my panties, he drags them down and kisses all around my clit. I close my eyes and block out any remaining thoughts as he drives pleasure through my body with his tongue. He alternates between plunging it in to me and massaging my insides, to swirling it around my clit, shoving me towards the knife edge of desire.
I love you. The words sit on the edge of my mouth, begging to burst free. I love you so much, Angelo.
But I clamp my mouth shut tightly and refuse to let those words out. I can’t, not yet. I can’t put any pressure on us and make things more complicated. I’m sure I’ll have to wait until he finds out everything before I admit my feelings so I can let go of this guilt that wants to swallow me up whole.
Luckily, I manage to keep it inside even as the hot bliss swirls and crashes through me. I keep my mouth shut even as the orgasm sweeps me away and takes me on to another plane of existence. I feel it with every part of me, but I don’t say it aloud. I can’t. Not yet.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Angelo
He’s still not himself, I think knowingly as I watch Alex sing on stage. He’s giving it his all, pouring his heart into it, but I can just tell. The rest of the audience won’t be able to see the signs that something isn’t quite right, but this is my twin brother. I just know. Tonight, I’m going to work it out, once and for all.
I have been tip toeing around my brother, trying to find out what’s going on with him without directly asking, but now it’s been going on for too long. This worry isn’t going anywhere. I need to work it out before something drastic happens. I just have this feeling that all will crash and fall apart soon, leaving everyone a mess. I might not know what is going on with Alex, but I can be sure that his downfall will affect us all. We’re too close for it not to. You don’t go through what we did, losing our parents and looking after one another, without developing the sort of relationship where we will stick together through anything, dragging each other out of the dirt.
I glance around the bar, wishing that I had brought any of my brothers with me, so I didn’t have to face this alone, but I didn’t even ask any of them. I made the decision to see this gig alone and to try again to speak to Alex. He’s so shut down it’s going to take everything I have, but I’m willing to do it. Much as I’m so damn happy with Rachel, I’m not letting that turn me away from my brothers anymore. Rachel wouldn’t want that. She loves my family too, particularly Alex. I know she’s keen for him to be okay again as well.
Every so often, I drag my eyes off my brother and grin at Rachel. She’s a wonderful distraction from everything that’s going on. She’s the one person keeping me sane, helping me through everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. Thank goodness we managed to find our way to each other. When we look at one another and my heart skips a beat, I just know that she’s the one for me.
In fact, I want to tell her that I have fallen in love with her. It’s been a challenge for me to hold that back. The only reason that I haven’t said it yet is because I am aware that we’ve moved fast, that I have jumped from one relationship straight into another, but maybe it’s time to stop worrying about things like that. Those opinions mostly come from other people anyway, they don’t change the way I feel. Tonight, could be the night. I might step out of social convention and expectation and do what’s right for me and Rachel. Screw everyone else.
A warmth creeps through my chest and swims around the rest of my body as I think about how she’ll react. I know that Rachel will be happy, she’s so simply and straight forward, easy to read which is so refreshing for me. After being with someone for so long that I couldn’t understand at all, I absolutely love it.
Yes, I tell myself decisively. I’m going to tell her tonight. It’s going to be wonderful.
I sip my drink slowly and watch the rest of the gig with happiness in my heart, only moving when it comes to an end. I make the decision to buy Alex a drink and to take him somewhere quiet so we can have a proper talk. He can give me all the usual excuses for why he doesn’t want to talk to me, but I’m not going to take it today. I refuse to listen to him needing space and time. I have given him that. It’s time for him to spill.
I don’t want to allow my imagination to get the better of me. It’s hard when there are all kinds of thoughts circling me, but I will deal with it no matter what. If its groupies related or perhaps addiction. Even if it’s some kind of depression or something equal that’s come with his growin
g fame. I really can’t put my finger on it until he tells me, but I will be his rock and support to guide him through everything.
“Rachel!” Again, my whole body reacts as I see her. “Come here, you. You were amazing!”
She races to me and jumps in my arms, kissing me lovingly, reassuring me even though I don’t need that anymore. I do understand that she needs to talk to fans and go on tour with the band. The fear that she will cheat on me is my issue alone, nothing to do with her. Since we talked about it, I feel so much stronger.
“Is Alex with you?” I ask as we pull apart. “Or did he stay backstage?” She shrugs, unsure. “How does he seem to you today? I’m still really worried about him. He doesn’t seem like himself at all.”
She nods, knowing him almost as well as I do. “I know, he didn’t seem into it, but he hasn’t said anything. He could just be tired. He has been going quite full on recently. You have seen that…”
I shake my head, knowing for sure there’s more to it than that. “I don’t know. I think I need to speak to him.”
Rachel stiffens, looking oddly fearful, but she nods and finally agrees with me. “Okay yeah, might be a plan.”
“Do you think that I should wait for him to come out here and talk to him with a drink or head backstage so we can have a more private chat? I can’t work out what to do for the best and it’s stressing me out.” My head falls in to my hands and I think hard. “You know what, I’m going backstage. I can’t wait any longer.”
“No, wait.” Rachel grabs my arm and tries to hold me in place. I turn to see what’s going on, but it seems that whatever she was about to say she has decided against. Instead, she pulls me to her for one sweet kiss.
“I won’t be long,” I reassure her. “It’ll just be a chat. Then I’ll be back. You’ll be okay out here?”
“With all the fans hounding me?” she jokes weakly. “I can handle it. Just get back to me quickly.”
I kiss and hold her one more time, but I can’t ignore the determination surging through me. I can’t leave here now without answers. I absolutely have to see what I can do to help my brother out.
“Hey, you okay?” Gary asks as I open the door to backstage. “I think Rachel is out there…”
“Oh, I know. I have already seen her. I just wanted to have a chat with Alex if he’s still here.”
“He isn’t out at the bar already?” I shake my head. “Huh, I could have sworn I saw him going.”
“I’ll just check his dressing room. See if he’s there. If you don’t mind?” Gary shrugs and smiles. A typical non-committal Gary answer. “Okay, well thanks. And I’m sure I will see you in a bit.”
I pat Gary on the shoulder before continuing to find Alex. I come across a couple of security guards who are dealing with fans trying to get Alex alone, which is silly because he’ll be out at the bar soon and they can get turned down by him then, but because they all know exactly who I am, I get through with ease.
“Alex?” I bang on his door a couple of times. “Alex, you there?”
I get nothing back, just a deathly silence. Normally, this would be enough to send me away. I’d assume that he’s either left the bar completely or I will simply come across him when he’s ready, but this isn’t a normal time. I have a feeling that Alex is hiding away from me and the rest of the crowd which isn’t good enough. Alex never hides away from people, that simply isn’t his style. But then he isn’t himself at the moment.
“Alex? It’s Angelo, I just want to talk to you, so I’m coming inside.”
I shove the door open, not giving him a chance to turn me away. Immediately, I’m struck with a sight that shows me why Alex wasn’t answering me. Maybe I should have trusted my initial instinct and walked away.
“Sorry.” A heat rises rapidly through my body. “I didn’t realize that you had company.”
The naked woman wrapped around him stops bouncing up and down in his lap, halting both of their pleasure for just a moment. I slide backwards towards the door, needing to make my escape before I humiliate any of us even further, but somehow, I don’t quite make it outside. Something strikes me, a feeling that everything isn’t quite what I thought. Something isn’t right here. There is a familiarity to Alex’s companion.
No. I shake my head hard as realization hits me. No, no, no, this can’t be.
My blood is cold as ice, I blink a few times to work out if this is a nightmare or not. There’s no way this can be happening, it just can’t. Of all the things… of all the betrayal… no way. He wouldn’t do this to me.
“You can shut your mouth,” Mandy snaps as she extracts herself from Alex. “This can’t be a shock.”
“Can’t be a shock?” I splutter back. “How can this not be a shock? Of course, it is.”
I want to run. My brain is screaming at me to do so. But my limbs won’t react. They completely refuse to. It’s almost as if my body wants to torture me that little bit more by leaving me here.
“I thought you knew.” Mandy’s hands fling on to her hips. Her very naked hips on her utterly naked body that was fucking my twin brother only moments before. We might not look alike, but that’s completely irrelevant as far as I am concerned. She’s screwing around with Alex, proving that nothing we ever shared meant anything. “You said that you knew I was cheating on you. I assumed you knew that meant with Alex.”
All the wind zaps from my body. I double over as a knife stabs in to my stomach. Or at least, that’s how it feels anyway. This isn’t just happening right now. This has been happening. God knows how long for. Perhaps that’s why Alex has been so weird recently, because he knew that he couldn’t hide this forever.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I growl to Mandy. I can’t even stand to look at her anymore.
“I noticed. I guess that from the way that you have been ignoring my messages.”
“You are joking, right? Mandy, you can’t seriously be talking about the messages when you begged me to get back with you after you just admitted to cheating on me with my brother? Uh uh. No way. I can’t take that. I can’t even believe that you’re still speaking to me. I am so done with you. No, it’s Alex I want to speak to.”
But as I stare at my brother fasting his trousers up to cover his shame, despite the fact that it’s far too late for that already, I wonder what I’m supposed to say to him. His betrayal is so much worse than Mandy’s. A million times more hurtful. Our bond is supposed to be something that is so much stronger. Unbreakable. He is supposed to be the one person in the world that I can talk to about anything, that I can trust with my life, heart, and soul.
“How could you do this to me?” I rasp out desperately. “I don’t understand.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Rachel
I check my watch for what feels like the millionth time, my heart racing as I do. I so want to be a fly on the wall in Alex’s dressing room right now to see what’s going on. It’s killing me not to know how they’re getting on. Alex is a great friend of mine and Angelo is the man that I love. I don’t want anything bad to happen between them. But I suppose the tension, the horrible anticipation just waiting for the secret to come out, is destroying me as well. I don’t know what the best outcome for this conversation is.
“Gary.” I grab my band mate and tug him to me away from a guy I assume is his friend. “Where’s Alex?”
“I’m not his keeper.” He shakes me off, irritated. “I don’t know where he is, and since he keeps screwing things up at the moment, I don’t think I want to know. He’s doing my head in. He needs to get his act together.”
I roll my eyes. “I know you love the band, Gary, but sometimes people have other stuff going on…”
“You don’t bring your personal life into work at any job. This shouldn’t be any different.”
“Right, okay, but I think you should just try having a little more sympathy.”
“He’s back stage,” Gary interrupts. “Or he was the last time I saw him. Angelo was going to
speak to him. It looked pretty serious, so I’m sure it’s still happening now. I wouldn’t interrupt if I were you. Especially if he’s going to talk about his shitty mood and behavior. Someone needs to kick him up the ass.”
“That’s was a great chat, Gary,” I shoot back sarcastically. “Thanks for that.”
“What do you want me to say? You want me to kiss his feet like everyone else does? No, he just needs to snap out of it. We have some stuff happening for us now, you know that. But if Alex can’t hold his shit together then we are all going to lose it all. You do understand that means you as well, don’t you, Rachel?”
I don’t intend to even dignify that with an answer, so I spin on my heels and leave Gary behind. I do appreciate his position in the band. Not only is he a kick ass bass player, but he keeps on top of the managerial stuff as well, but every now and again his attitude pisses me off. It’s like he expects us all to not be human. Not to have emotions and other stuff going on. The band is most of my life, but it can’t be all of it.
I push the door back stage open and stomp through the hallways, taking my frustration out on the floor. It might not do anything to improve my mood, but I can’t stop myself regardless. I nod hello to everyone I pass who sees me, but I suppose it’s obvious from my body language that I don’t want to be disturbed. Well, good. It’s better for no one to speak to me because I don’t know what I would say.
“Fuck you!” I hear someone shriek down the hallway. My heart skips a beat. If I thought that I was angry then this person must be losing their damn mind. Something bad is happening here. “Go to hell.”
“Please don’t be Angelo,” I beg quietly as I pick up the pace. “Please God don’t be him.”