by Brenda Ford
“I don’t know.” I shrug although he can’t see me. “I would like to think so for everyone’s sake, but I guess only time will tell. You and I will both have to just see what he decides in the end.”
We both fear the same thing which helps us to build up the little connection that has been crushed recently. It’s nice, I really don’t want to lose Alex through everything. I want to be able to help pull him out of this self-destructive cycle if I can. It may well be just a blip. That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.
“Well, I’m very grateful to you, Rachel. I think you’re the only person who can get through to Angelo.”
I don’t know if that’s the truth, he certainly didn’t agree outright, but I don’t want to put a dampener on the tiny bit of hope that Alex has for his potentially hopeless situation right now. Instead, I make an agreeable noise.
“Mmm, yeah. Well, I hope it all goes well anyway. When he… you know, does come to you.”
“Me too. Especially with what Gary has been planning. He wants us on tour again soon and I don’t really want to go unless I know for sure that all is okay. It’ll be too hard and the longer we leave it, the worse it will get.”
We say our goodbyes then with nothing else to say to one another and I hang up the phone. A tune is swirling around in the back of my brain and it’s starting to demand more and more attention. I don’t do a lot of song writing, that’s usually Alex’s forte, but I have done a bit and I’ve wanted to do more. This might be the time right now while I have all the inspiration in the world. The time as well. While I wait for news from Angelo and Gary as well. I could get going with the song and see where it leads me. Even if it doesn’t work out, no one has to know but me. It’s always something that I have wanted to do more of so why not?
I smile to myself with a pen and paper between my fingers and I get a few words down, just as a start. Angelo and the situation that we have been through, all the different ways in which I have loved him, flood me and get me really going. I scribble and write until my hand aches, barely even noticing time passing. Perhaps this is how I should have been distracting myself all along. It’s satisfying, all consuming, and productive as well.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Angelo
Nerves zig zag through my system as I stand at the door to my childhood home. The place that I called home for my entire life until very recently… although it doesn’t really feel as familiar as it probably should. It’s mostly been good memories here, I don’t have much to complain about when it comes to my youth, but the bad memories that have come from this place are really bad. Terrible, in fact.
Our parents dying. That’s the first really bad one I have. Not that they passed away in the house, but that’s where we were when we got the news of the car crash. I vividly remember hearing about it, even though I was only five or six at the time. It’s the moment I knew for sure that my life wouldn’t be like other peoples. I was going to be different. It was just lucky that I had five brothers to survive that with.
Then there was the fight with my family over Alex. Okay, so there might have been some other bad bits in between but those are the two main ones. Seeing my twin and knowing that he isn’t who I thought he was.
And now we might be about to create another bad one, I’m not totally sure yet which way it will go, but it could be another negative experience in this house. My chat with Alex, organized by Brad after I mentioned Rachel’s terms and conditions to us getting back together, is finally about to happen, and I don’t know how I feel.
“I just need to try,” I remind myself quietly. “That’s all it is. Trying. Nothing else matters.”
I don’t know how Rachel will feel if I go back to her and say that we gave it a go, but it didn’t quite work out. Is that going to be enough for her? I guess there is only one way to find out.
With a trembling hand, I raise my fist and start to knock on the door… but I stop myself at the last minute. I’m sure that I’m still allowed to just walk inside. I don’t think anything has changed on that front.
“You’re here.” Brad’s face fills with relief as he sees me. “I didn’t know if you were going to come.”
“Were you just waiting inside the door for me? That’s a bit crazy, Brad. I told you I would come.”
“We’re all in the dining room,” he continues, completely ignoring my question. “Come on through.”
“Hang on. This isn’t like some intervention bullshit or anything, is it? Because there is enough pressure on today without the rest of you making it worse. I just want to see if anything can be resolved.”
“No one is on anyone’s side. We just want it to be okay again. You know that.”
“So, if I want you all to go, you will? You don’t need to worry. There won’t be any fighting.”
“I never assumed there would be.” His facial expression betrays him. That’s exactly what he’s worried about. “Yes, if you want us all to go, we will. But all we want to do is help you both out.”
“Right.” I roll my eyes. “Come on then. Let’s get this over and done with.”
I walk behind Brad into the dining room with my pulse pounding heavily in my mouth and I see all my brothers sitting around the dining room table. All of them have grim expressions on their faces, particularly Wesley who I know is still concerned about his involvement with the mess that happened – not that any of it can really be blamed on him. It’s challenging for me to not make some stupid comment and walk out.
“Thank you for coming,” Alex finally breaks the silence quietly. “I know this is hard for you.”
I nod sharply and take my seat. “It’s okay, thank you for meeting with me as well. It’s a bit…”
Me and Alex stare at one another, our history flowing between us. Me and him have always been together. Through everything. Whenever anything has gone wrong, we have always been there. I guess that’s been one of the hardest things about this. The person that I would normally go to when I have issues is the one who caused my pain. I could have talked to my other brothers, and I did a bit, but never him.
“I’m sorry,” Alex says. “I can’t tell you how guilty I feel about everything. It’s terrible. I have done nothing but think about how I could have allowed myself to get in such a mess and I really don’t know. I have no answers.” He shakes his head regret flowing off him. “The only thing I can assume is that I lost my mind.”
“You love her?” That might not be the right question to ask, but it comes out regardless.
“I don’t…” He darts his eyes nervously to Brad who nods reassuringly. “I don’t know…”
“You must love her. That’s why you lost your mind over her. Why you were willing to risk so much. I’m going to guess that she was the one who never wanted to tell me, and you were too scared of losing her to disagree.” Alex looks at me dumb founded. “I know a little bit about doing what Mandy wants to keep her. Even as I found myself falling out of love with her, I would still do what she wanted so as not to lose her.”
I have a feeling that all of my brothers are shocked at how calmly I can discuss this, but it’s because I can do it without feelings anymore. I can take an objective look at it. And it is what it is.
“It’s okay, Alex. We might as well talk about things honestly. Get everything out.”
Alex nods and stares at me, emotions dancing behind his eyes, before he answers. “Okay, yes. I love her. Loved her. That’s why I risked everything. It was stupid, and I know it, but I did.”
“Do you love her, or did you love her?” I tilt my head to one side curiously. “How are you feeling now?”
“I don’t know.” His eyes hit the floor far away from me. “I don’t know how I feel.”
“You do, and it’s okay. Whatever the answer is, it’s okay. I think we just need to know.”
“Is this necessary?” Oliver pipes up, until he sees my facial expression. I only haven’t sent the rest of my brothers away yet because they haven’t intervened.
I need to know what I need to know.
“I want to switch off my feelings for Mandy, I really do. Especially after all the pain I have caused. I knew that it was going to be bad, but I didn’t know how bad. Yet, I can’t seem to make it happen.”
“I see… and have you seen her? Since you have been back from the tour, I mean?”
“No, no way.” He’s so firm with this answer, I know that it’s the truth. “I have been blind and made too many mistakes for words, but I’m trying to be better now. I need to be better. So, no. I haven’t seen Mandy or contacted her. My priority is making things right with you. Just like it always should have been.”
I rise from my chair and pace the room by the table. Feeling everyone’s eyes upon me doesn’t help, but I need to just take a moment to think. This is all getting a bit too much for me. But not in a bad way, just in a way that I need to get my head together. Alex still loves Mandy, but he hasn’t seen her because he wants us to be a family again. That’s a little overwhelming. Especially if he’s been going down a self-destructive path.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Alex,” I finally continue, taking my seat. “I’m not going to say that I’m okay with you and Mandy being together because that will always be weird for me, and I also think that you’re far too good for her, but I’m not going to tell you that you can’t either. It’s really up to you. I know for sure that I don’t have any feelings for her anymore, I want to be with Rachel, if she’ll have me.”
His eyes pop open wide, he stares at me, looking stunned to the core. I am a little myself to be honest. I didn’t come here knowing that was going to be my answer. But it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to stand in the way of Alex and Mandy if they are meant to be. Not that I believe they are. It just isn’t my business anymore. I have my own stuff going on. I have my own love life to contend with and to make right.
“I don’t know what to say, Angelo, your forgiveness is too much…” Alex is getting choked up with emotion which brings a lump to my throat as well. “I know you haven’t said that you forgive me, but even being here… well, it’s a big step and much more than I could ever hope for. You are such a good person.”
“Fucking hell!” Wesley bangs his fists down on the table and rises to his feet. “You two are killing me here. I am not an emotional bastard, you know that about me, but you’re making me want to cry.”
We all stare at Wesley, shocked by his outburst, stunned into silence. It’s me who explodes in to laughter first. It’s the only feasible reaction to Wesley’s craziness. That causes everyone else to laugh as well and the tension simply flies out of the room. I didn’t realize quite how thick the air was until it vanishes. This is so much better. This is what I’m used to and makes this house feel like home again.
I hate to admit it, but Rachel was right. Me and Alex did need this. It’s the last piece of the puzzle before Mandy is purged from my life completely. Forgiving Alex and shedding this weight from my shoulders makes me feel wonderful. I catch my twin brother’s eyes and smile at him. He grins happily back at me, and I feel an intense and powerful connection between us. Our brotherly bond building back up once more.
“Come here,” I call out, stretching out my arms to him. “Come and hug me.”
Alex practically bounds to the other side of the table and we hug hard. This teaches me how great forgiveness can feel and how bitter holding on to grudges is. Humans all make mistakes, and just because Alex has made a big one it doesn’t mean that we can’t move passed it. We can, and I definitely think that we will.
“So, we’re okay?” Alex asks me quietly. “Because that’s all I want in the world.”
“We’re fine. You don’t need to worry anymore, okay? We’re good. So, please, look after yourself more. Don’t go down a self-destructive path. Rachel has been worried about you and so am I. Please, take care of yourself.”
He parts his lips ever so slightly, almost as if he’s going to argue with me and disagree that he’s not been looking after himself, but then he thinks better of it and he nods. “I will, I promise you.”
I can’t wait to run back to Rachel’s place and to tell her how amazing this has gone and how right she was, but there isn’t any rush for that. If we’re meant to be like I think we are, then we will be. For now, I need to get reacquainted with my twin and spend some time with my brothers. It’s been a long time since we all were together, and I want to make the most of it.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Rachel
“…All the ways in which I can love you!” I sign loudly, proud of my song. It’s been rough around the edges, and I still think that it might be in some places, but it’s in a good place. I’m happy. I might even be ready to sing it in front of Gary and Alex to see what they think about it. That’s a nerve wracking but exciting thought.
Knock, knock. I glance at the door, wondering who the hell that might be. Knock, knock,
“Coming.” Could it be the post man? Am I expecting something? “Hold on, one moment.”
I straight down my tee shirt, wondering if this is the one I was wearing last night. Since I’ve been song writing I have gotten a little scotty. I’m not quite sure where my head is at. Then I pull the door open.
“Angelo?” My pulse leaps up in to my throat. “What are you doing here?”
He has the biggest grin on his face which I feel creeping up on my expression as well. His happiness is contagious and I can’t stop myself from swimming in his warmth. I just hope that it lasts.
“I came to see you, of course. Because it’s time for me to take you out on a date.”
“A date?” I can hardly breathe. “What do you mean? Does that mean…?”
I don’t dare finish that sentence because I’m so freaked out by the answer. I really do hope that he’s taken my advice and at least tried to patch things up with Alex. I dread to think how that went.
“It means that I had a meeting with Alex, and we sorted things out. We listened to one another and actually heard each other’s point of view. I wasn’t sure that it would work out, but it did. It was good.”
“Wow.” I’m blown away by this. “So, it’s like it used to be? It’s properly sorted?”
“Much to my surprise, it really is. I didn’t think that we could ever go back to what we used to be, but I really do believe we will now. I think it won’t be long until me and Alex are back to normal.”
I’m gob smacked. I don’t know what this means for Alex and Mandy and I really don’t want to ask either. If they do end up together, I hope that’s something separate from me and Angelo.
“So… you really want to go out on a date?” I gasp, still trying to process this. He really didn’t want to make things up with Alex, he was dead against it, but he took that step for me. My heart melts and feel any frostiness slips off me. Not that there was any there in the first place. “That’s just… I don’t know what to say.”
“Say yes!” he laughs. “Please say yes. I have booked a really nice table for us.”
“Ooh, you have?” I feel my eyes lighting up and shining with glee. “Well, I can’t say no, can I?”
“Definitely not. That was my plan all along. I wanted to coerce you in to it.”
I tug him inside the house and press his lips to mine, finally getting that wonderful sensation that I have been missing ever since he walked out of my life. Much as it was hard, I’m glad that I waited now because this feels amazing. It’s right, there isn’t anything else hanging over us. We can just be us.
“Right. Well, do you want to take a seat and wait for me? I need to get dressed.”
“I will wait for as long as it takes. Whatever you need.” He kisses me yet again. “Thank you for saying yes.”
I pull back away from him, walking backwards away from him but keeping my eyes on him the entire time. The lust and love behind his gaze make everything swim wildly inside of me. I really hoped that this would happen, but now that it has, I realize how much tension I hel
d inside of me over the waiting period.
He’s mine, I think as I turn towards my bedroom with a skip in my step. He’s come back for me.
Now, I really feel like we have a chance. We can have all of the good side of us without the negative. We can just happy without a thick cloud hanging over our heads. It’s perfect. This could be it. Everything we want is really in our grasp at last and I can’t wait to wrap my hands around it and take it.
I grab out my nicest dress I own – a black number with an electric blue belt around the middle which matches my heels perfectly. Then I plait my hair and leave it dangling over my shoulder, before putting my dark make up on. I don’t know how posh this place is that we’re going, but this is the poshest I do. Angelo accepts me for who I am anyway. So, I am not worried. In fact, I can’t feel anything negative in this mood.
I smile at my reflection in the mirror, loving the happy go lucky expression on my face. That’s something I have been missing. The words to my song flood my mind, making me feel even deeper emotion with every part of it. I wrote that because of Angelo, it was all for him, and now I might get to sing it to him one day.
Then, it’s time for me to head back out of my bedroom with my new clothes on, and Angelo rises to his feet. Immediately, I see his face light up. He looks so pleased that I’m back by his side.
“Oh wow, you look incredible,” he gushes, closing the gap between us. “So damn beautiful.”
“Well, I have to admit that you don’t look too bad yourself,” I giggle, curling back in to his arms. “Now, I’m excited about this date, so let’s get going, shall we? I’m excited to see what you have planned.”
He takes my hand and leads me outside where there is a car waiting for us. A nice black long car. I don’t know much about vehicles, so I don’t know what it is, but it looks awesome. He opens the door for me like a gentleman and I slide in to the passenger’s seat, feeling a little bit like a princess as I do.