by Brenda Ford
The next slam bangs my ass against the wall and strips the air from my lungs completely, making sure that I have no words left. Instead of trying to express how I feel to this man, I lose myself in the sensations, in the way that he’s making my body feel, and it’s truly wonderful. I never want it to end. Each thrusts tips me closer to the edge, spins me harder, twists me further in to pleasure, and I love losing myself in this way…
“Fuck!” I cry out as I can’t remain in the blissful anticipation for another second longer, and I crash over the edge in to ecstasy. I cling to Alex tight as the waves of orgasm roll over me, gripping all of my organs in the wonderful heat, and shattering my body as it goes. My nails probably dig in to his skin because I’m holding on so tight, but I can’t stop myself from needing him so badly. “Fuck, Alex, oh my God.”
It’s electric, indescribable, overwhelming, absolutely everything. I haven’t ever had this before and I know there’s a chance that I might never get it again. So, I need to savor every damn second of it and keep this in my memory to keep me going forwards, even when this gets complicated… and there’s not a chance in hell that it won’t get complicated now. I might need to prepare myself for even more of a mess.
Chapter Sixteen
Alex
“So, er… where is Freya?” I ask, trying to sound as innocent as I can while glancing around the back stage area. “I haven’t seen her since we arrived here. Is she… you know, ready for tonight?”
Rachel gives me a strange look, almost seeing right through me which is the last thing I want. Ever since I woke up in my bed alone after the most incredible night of my whole life, I’ve been on edge. I mean, that was a massive step for me. Having sex with another woman after what happened with Mandy and feeling such a surge of emotions as I did was utterly intense. I don’t want it to just end… I think this is something that we need to discuss. Only, I haven’t seen her yet, and I have the dreadful feeling that she’s avoiding me.
“I don’t know to be honest,” Rachel replies. “I’m sure she will be here soon. Why?”
“No reason.” Even as I say this, I can feel a guilty look spreading across my face. I don’t think I’m that great at lying. “I was just wondering, that’s all. Hoping that tonight goes well.”
Rachel rests her hand on my arm. “Is everything okay with you? You are doing okay, right? I know that the shows have been much better, and you seem better in yourself, but I don’t want to assume. If you need help, I am still here. I hope you realize that. I’m trying to be… well, whatever you need me to be.”
Her words remind me that I haven’t had a drink yet. I lick my parched lips, wondering if I can try getting up on to stage tonight without even one drink in my system. Now that will be an achievement. Maybe once I have had this much needed chat with Freya, I won’t feel like I need anything in me.
“I’m doing good.” I nod slowly. “At least, I think I am. I’m just taking it one moment at a time.”
“That’s probably the best way. I agree. I just… well, I’m proud of you for trying.”
As soon as Rachel says those words and makes me feel the tiniest bit better about myself, Gary eyeballs me as he walks past me like he isn’t anywhere near forgiving me just yet. I sigh sadly and hang my head low, staring at the floor as I recognize that I still have a long way to go. I don’t know how long it will take. It’s bad really, how quick it is to make a mistake, and how long it takes to overcome that. It doesn’t seem right.
“You know, there’s nothing to worry.” Rachel smiles at me. “It’s going to be fine. You know it is.”
“Yeah, I know. I know how Gary is and of course it isn’t going to be easy, but I’m impatient.”
Maybe that’s a big part of my issue. I need to take the long route to get to the right place so I can appreciate the results when I get them. Just because I have decided that I’m in a good place now, it doesn’t mean that I’m out the waters. I don’t want to, and it makes me nervous to consider it, but I could end up low once more…
All of a sudden, I spot her. That familiar shock of white and pink hair making my heart skip about ten beats. Her body language suggests that she doesn’t feel comfortable being here, but that might be because we just need to clear the air first. We need to have this chat for us both to be okay again.
“Are you okay?” Rachel asks with a little giggle. “You seem a little… freaked…”
I give her a look, wishing that she couldn’t see right through me, but clearly, she can. I just hope that she doesn’t make a bigger deal out of this than it is at the moment. “I’m good, I just need to…”
I don’t know what I need. There are no words. Right now, I just need to try and get my feelings together. They are all over the place. I have proven in the past that I can’t trust my judgement when it comes to women. My feelings usually run away with me and take me down a bad path… but I can’t see any way in which this can go wrong. It feels right with Freya. I just know deep down that this is the way I should be going.
Without giving Rachel a further explanation, I walk away from her and head to Freya. I have been having this conversation in my head all day long, the whole bus journey here where she hid away from me on her bunk bed, but now everything that I have been thinking about vanishes. My brain is completely blank.
“Hi,” I say with a smile. “How are you? It feels like it’s been…”
The words trail off as her eyes meet mine and I am greeted with ice cold panic. She is uncomfortable with me, she doesn’t want this conversation as much as I do, she doesn’t like me at all. Shit, has all of it been in my head? Was it a pity fuck or simply a mistake on her behalf? Does she regret it already? I step backwards as anxiety threatens to consume me. We need to talk, to… to get through this… to make it okay again.
“Yes, it’s erm…” She folds her arms over her chest to hide herself away from me. “It’s… yes.”
I’m bombing. Bombing hard and I don’t know how to recover. It’s been such a long time since I had to talk to a woman properly and I don’t really know how to handle it which isn’t great. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal? This is something else that Mandy has taken away from me.
“Right, well I will see you later on. After erm… you know, the show.”
“Right, yes. I will see you later. Good luck tonight.”
Well that sure as shit isn’t the way that I wanted that conversation to go. I thought that something might actually be the start of something, but it seems that I’m not good enough. Of course I’m not good enough for Freya. She’s amazing and I am nothing. Just some heartbroken washed up idiot who is fucking up his career over alcohol…
The bottom of the glass is blurry. I know that the liquid is clear so I’m not sure if there is anything left in there or not. My vision is fuzzy and almost pin holing because I have sunk so many. But the knowledge that I’m fucking wasted and really need some sleep isn’t going to be enough to stop me from ordering another.
“You weak fucker,” I growl at myself. “What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you stop?”
The first drink came as Freya performed on stage. It killed me to see her absolutely winning at life while I am falling apart. I find it utterly destructive to know that she isn’t troubled by what’s going on like I am, so I snuck just the tiniest bottle from my bag and took a sip to calm me down, to block it all out, to be normal again. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing for everyone else as well. That Rachel and Gary would need me steadier… but I didn’t count for that one drink becoming another one. And then another. Then fuck knows how many. I don’t think I totally fucked up the show by being wasted, although I definitely wasn’t on top form like before, and of course as soon as I was done, I slipped away from everyone else and came here. Some dive bar down a dank alley way. A place that I don’t think anyone will find me…if they’re even looking.
It seems like before, Freya was the only one who wanted to find me,
but not anymore.
“Oh, my goodness.” I jump as a hand grazes my forearm, causing the owner of the hand to snatch away. I turn to see a red head with bright purple lips looking at me like she knows me. “It’s really you.”
“Really who?” Shit, I’m probably being so rude, but I don’t have any politeness left inside of me.
“You’re Alex Smith from Blood Red Masters, aren’t you? I just watched you play live.”
I roll my eyes. “And now you’re here to tell me that I was awful, right? Because that’s all I hear at the moment. That I’m awful and useless and that I’m ruining things for everyone.”
“Oh, not at all. I think you are amazing. I have always thought that you’re amazing ever since I first started listening to you.” She grins, making me stare at those bright purple lips all over again. What is with those lips? They are insane and cool. “I’m actually one of the first people who started listening to you, even before you were signed by the record label. I’d listen to Blood Red Masters all the time online.”
“So, you’re one of our early fans then.” I lift my glass to clink it against hers, but she doesn’t seem to have one and mine id definitely empty. The girl indicates for the bar tender to get us more drinks which is good. This is someone giving me what I want, not telling me that it’s bad for me. “And you’re still sticking around.”
As we finally get drinks, then we cheers. One of us spills drink all over my arm, but neither of us are bothered. We just laugh together, sharing a moment of happiness… which is a change for me.
“I will always stick around. No matter what happens. Your music has changed my life. You have changed my life.” She leans in closer to whisper something to me, giving me an even closer glimpse of those lips. I can’t stop looking at them… but I definitely don’t feel any urge to kiss them. If anything, they just remind me of the lips that I actually want to be kissing but that aren’t anywhere around me. “I could change yours too, if you’ll let me.”
“What do you…?” Before I can finish that sentence, she lurches for me and tries to kiss me. I can’t help but recoil in horror because I haven’t given any indication that this is what I want. “Woah, what…?”
“I’m not a kiss and tell girl,” she insists. “I’m the real deal. I want to actually be with you.”
“I don’t…” I scrape my chair back noisily. “I don’t think so. I can’t be with anyone.”
“Why? Because you’re a rock star? Because that doesn’t trouble me at all. I know that you will be out on the road a lot touring. Hell, I can even come with you! I can be a roadie or whatever. Actually, I can sing if you want? I have a good singing voice. Everyone always tells me that. I can be your back up singer. Or maybe the support…”
“We already have a support artist,” I bark back, not wanting to even consider Freya and this woman in the same category. “And I can’t just bring some random woman on tour with me. It doesn’t work like that.”
Undeterred by my words, she sidles closer to me. “But I wouldn’t just be some random woman, would I? I would be your girlfriend. Tell me if that isn’t exactly what you want right now?”
I do like that idea… but not with this woman. This stranger. Not at all. There is only one person in the world that I would like to have any kind of connection with, and she has rejected me clearly. Fuck, what a mess. Right now, I need to focus on getting out of here. I need to escape this madness.
Chapter Seventeen
Freya
Knock, knock. Knock, knock. Knock, knock.
“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” I call out sleepily as I stagger out of bed and across the hotel room, rubbing my eyes as I go. A quick glance at the clock tells me that it’s almost three AM which can’t be good. No one knocks on another person’s door at this time of night unless it’s an emergency. I really need to wake up because if I’m needed to be somewhere or to do something, then I want to be in the right frame of mind.
I consider reaching out for a bath robe to cover myself up, but before I can make that happen my other arm swings the door open. It’s too damn late at night – or maybe early in the morning I don’t know – for me to have proper control over my body. I guess the anticipation got the better of me and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Alex?” I gasp as I see him. “What’s going on? What are you doing here? You look…”
My face falls as I recognize that glazed over look in his eyes. He’s wasted. Again. After acting like he was going to be better and after not drinking for a bit, I thought that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel… but now, he looks worse than I have ever seen him before. What the hell is going on?
“You didn’t… didn’t want to talk,” he slurs while leaning against the door frame. “Before?”
“I didn’t want to talk.” I narrow my eyes as he almost falls towards me, only holding himself up at the last second. I really need to wake up more if I don’t want to end up crushed underneath him. “About what?”
“About what? Me and you of course. What else would it be about? Me and you and what happened.”
I practically pull him inside and close the door behind him just in case there is any other muttering at this time of night and they overhear. Since we don’t know what the hell is going on, I don’t want others to know.
“We don’t need to talk about it, do we? We don’t need to have that conversation. It’s unnecessary.”
“It isn’t!” He throws his hands in the air in frustration. “It isn’t because we need to talk about it. We can’t just leave it, can we? It’s too much for that. What’s going on between us is too much.”
“What do you mean?” I reach out to hold him up as he almost falls once more. “Don’t you think that this is a conversation that we should have in the morning when you aren’t so drunk?”
“I’m not drunk!” he insists while grabbing on to my shoulders. “This isn’t me drunk; you know. This is just me being all normal. All normal and having a… a normal conversation after having sex.”
“You have this conversation with every girl you have sex with.” I reply coldly.
“Not when it’s just a one night stand, no. But this isn’t that, is it? Me and you…”
I gasp loudly as he suggests that we’re more than a one night stand. I never would have thought that would come from him. “But we were just a hook up because you’re still in love with someone else…”
“I don’t fucking love her,” he tries. “I don’t know if I ever did. Or maybe I did which is why I acted so crazy and I screwed over my twin brother for her. But I mean, can it be love if it isn’t reciprocated.”
“Urgh, I don’t know about that. It’s three in the morning. I can’t talk about love…”
“Have you ever been in love?” he demands. “Do you get it? Was it reciprocated?”
“I… no, I haven’t ever been in love before.” I don’t know why it feels so strange to admit that.
“You haven’t? Do you ever think that you could fall in love? Do you think it’s possible?”
I shrug helplessly. “I suppose so. It isn’t something that I have ever thought about because I have always been centered in on my career. I haven’t been looking for love and I guess it hasn’t found me.”
He steps closer to me and strokes my cheek, surprisingly gently for someone who has drunk his weight in booze. “Until now… now you might have found it and you can’t even see it.”
I stare into his eyes trying to work out what the hell he is talking about, but the only thing I can assume is that it’s just drunken nonsense. He can’t really mean all of this, can he? He can’t go all the way from in love with one person to another, however much he has had his heart broken and he wants to move on. This means nothing. I need to remember that by the time the morning comes around he won’t remember any of it.
“Right, well I don’t know what to say to that, so I will suggest that you get to bed. Do you want me to take you to your hotel room? I don’t th
ink that you can be trusted alone. You might walk in on someone else.”
“I don’t want to be alone,” he barks. “I can’t be alone. It’s hard when I am alone. I don’t think you get it.”
“No one likes being alone. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give you my company to walk back to your room.”
“Let me stay with you.” He clings to my arm and begs me. “Please, let me stay here. I want to stay here with you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know that you love me yet, we can just be.”
Fucking hell, Alex is being far too much for me. I need to put an end to this. “I don’t think we should be throwing around the L word like it doesn’t mean anything because I find it a bit much…”
“I would never use the L word if I didn’t mean it. I’m not that sort of person. Especially after all that I have been through. I only say love if I mean love…” He laughs loudly, a sound that is really out of place in this conversation. “And I mean it. It’s going to happen for me and you.”
He staggers backwards and actually ends up falling backwards on the bed, still laughing like a lunatic. All I can do is watch in shock and amazement as he settles in, making himself comfortable on my bed like he belongs. Like I have given him permission to be there. The thing is, I suppose I already have. Mentally anyway.
“You are mad,” I say softly with a small smile playing on my lips. “Honestly insane.”
I ran away from Alex after we slept together. As soon as he climbed into my bed and he crashed asleep, I did the smartest thing that I could think of and I left. I didn’t want to have any kind of awkward conversation. I assumed that he would feel the same way as well. After everything that he is going through, I didn’t want to add pressure on for what I only assumed was going to be a moment of madness. It’s why I avoided him on the tour bus, and I didn’t know what to say to him back stage before the show. I didn’t know that he actually wanted to talk. I really hope that isn’t the reason he has ended up in this state tonight. I would hate to think that me trying to keep a distance to do the right thing for him, actually tipped him right over the edge once more.