by Brenda Ford
“Are you okay?” Alex rubs my back gently in an understanding way. “We can stop…”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, I just…” I pant a few more times. “I’m scared to…”
Fuck it, why am I so scared? Why am I trying to hold back when this is all that I want? Sure, it’s a risk, but if it all works out then it will be the best thing ever. And if things don’t… well, I survived before. I can do it again.
I grab him and kiss him once more, this time really letting everything free. The buzzing in my core spreads through my entire body as I rub my hands over his chest, as I move over to straddle him, as I slowly slide down his body until my knees hit the floor. The fog of desire blasts through me, leaving my brain dizzy and on fire, while I fiddle anxiously with his zipper, needing to pull his cock free. I can already tell from the moans of agonizing bliss rumbling in his throat that he’s rock hard and I can’t wait to touch him.
“Oh, Alex,” I moan in a half whisper as he springs free and stands to attention for me. I curl my excitable fingers around him, and I delicately stroke him. “Oh God, I’ve missed you. You have no idea…”
He tosses his head back, it hits the back of the couch hard, but that doesn’t seem to hurt him. He continues to scream out and yell with bliss. The contorted pleasure on his face is wonderful, I want so much more from him, I need it all. With that thought in mind, I keep my eyes fixed on his beautiful face as I edge my lips closer to him, nearer to his delicious manly scent, closer to where he is aching for me.
“Fuck!” he cries out as I press my kiss to his tip, really tasting his sweet salty desire. “That feels so good.”
With my fingers tracing up and down his steely length, I continue to kiss his soaking wet tip for just a couple of seconds, before I part my lips wider and I take him right in. I push him all the way passed my lips, my tongue too, until I just about reach his base. He’s too big for me to take him all in, I can’t touch his base, but it’s enough. I drag my lips up and down him, swirling my tongue everywhere, incredibly turned on by the knowledge that my sexual fantasies with this man are coming true… yet again. Only this time, there are even more feelings attached to them. And the emotional connection that I have to this man makes it even better.
“I… I need you,” he yells the moment his thighs tense up. “I want to… to make love to you, Freya.”
I don’t want to pull my mouth away, the taste of him is amazing, but Alex drags me backwards and he spreads me across my carpeted floor, making the decision for me. He hovers above me while he strips me down, looking like I’m his prey and he’s preparing me to eat. It takes everything that I have not to squeeze my thighs together to try and control my intense desire… I only don’t because I want him to see it. I need him to see it.
“Fuck, you are so stunning.” His lips crash to mine and his cock finds my entrance like a heat seeking missile. “I don’t ever want to lose you again, Freya. I will prove to you that I’m worthwhile.”
He thrusts deep in to me, causing a guttural yell to explode a he fills me up, showing me just how worthwhile he is. Each time our bodes clap together, filling my front room with the gorgeous scent of me and him together, I feel as determined as he is not to lose this. Nothing can compare, because nothing is ever this good.
The pleasure creeps through me like a heat fixing up my veins, and I cling to Alex like he is the only thing holding me to the planet, and as the pleasure reaches its peak, ready for me to fall, I damn well think that he might be. I certainly never thought that my show would end up like this, but I’m glad. So glad that I’m willing to risk everything all over again. After all, which true love story was built with no risk? None that I can think of. None worthwhile anyway!
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alex
“Oh wow.” I run my hands along the speaker, inhaling the real scent of home. “Now this I have missed.”
It’s been forever since I’ve been in the recording studio and I can really feel that loss. The missed time. I love it here so damn much and to think that I almost lost it all is insane. I can’t believe it. Why would I risk absolutely everything just to get to the bottom of that bottle? Sure, I understand the need, I don’t ever think that will go completely, but for the most part I just don’t get it. Why I didn’t choose to walk away more.
“Are you looking forward to getting the new album done?” Rachel asks smilingly. “Or at least started.”
“Holy shit yes! I can’t wait for it. It’ll be amazing.” I grin at Rachel and then Gary afterwards. Even he is starting to warm to me enough for me almost to consider myself forgiven… almost.
“You do know it might lead to another tour though?” Gary suggests warningly. “That isn’t something that we want to do again until you’re ready. And really ready this time. We can’t have any more mistakes like we had before.”
“I know. I understand that. I sure as hell won’t be making the same mistake again. I won’t allow Hank to book a damn thing until I am ready. There are too many other jobs at risk.”
I will never stop feeling bad for what I did to all of Blood Red Masters, including all of the people who surround and help us. So much was thrown away and it’s a real shame. But worrying about that means nothing. It doesn’t help anything. I can’t change the past, what happened before can’t be controlled. So, that’s just the past.
“Well, at least it seems like you have some material.” Gary laughs while nodding at the stacks of paper between my fingers. “Your stint in rehab has given you some serious inspiration.”
“I know. I can’t wait to hear what you guys think of what I’ve written… if it’s any good. Usually, I’m pretty intoxicated when it comes to the creative process. So, this is something new for me.”
I am anxious to lay myself on the line in such a raw and vulnerable way, but this is what I need to do to make this positive change. To use the experience in a way to make up for what I have done. At least a little bit.
“Okay, well let’s hear it,” Gary declares. “Let’s have a listen to what you got.”
Him and Rachel take a seat in the recording studio and leave me behind the glass to start singing. This isn’t anything that will be used, aside from maybe an acoustic special, it’s just to see how it will sound. Thankfully it’s that because I don’t know how I would cope with all that pressure on my shoulders.
My eyes slide closed and I begin playing, singing too, with Freya in the forefront of my mind. She’s the inspiration behind everything that I have written recently, so it makes sense that I think of her. I allow her sweet smile, her tinkling beautiful laughter, her positive attitude consume me. I think about how she has stuck around through all the terrible times, including me being particularly cruel to her, and she remains with me, in love.
At least, I assume she is in love. We haven’t said that to one another ever since that awkward conversation in the rehab center where she said that she was going to have to think things through, and I don’t want to say it until she is ready because I don’t want to put any pressure on… but there is so much love between us.
This is real love. The love that I have always wanted. The love that I didn’t get from Mandy.
“Wow, that’s beautiful,” Rachel cries out as soon as I finish singing. “That is something new. Something stunning. A departure away from what we have done before, but I love it.”
“Thank you.” I grin so brightly it’s like I have a coat hanger between my lips. “That means a lot.”
“Is that about Freya?” Gary asks me quietly. “It sounds like it’s about her.”
“It is.” I nod. “She’s been a real inspiration to me recently.”
“Well, that’s good. I’m glad to hear it. It’s much better to hear you inspired and sober rather than in the toxic situation that you were in before. None of us liked that, I have to be honest with you.”
“Yes, I know. And I am sorry that I put you all through it with me. That wasn’t right.”
I take a seat beside Rachel and Gary and we talk for a little while longer about the song and the other tunes we will have on the album. I sing a few of them so the guys can hear how they sound, and the reaction that I get is very positive. There will be some changes to them, there always is, the first draft of a song is always raw, a bit like a book or a poem I imagine, but we have a basis now. A start to the next chapter of us and our new album.
“What are you looking at?” I ask Rachel as I see her face plastered in to her phone, confusion on her face. “You look concerned. Has something else happened?” God, please tell me it hasn’t…
“No, nothing. I was just looking at some Tweets from the fans. A lot of people are checking up on you, trying to see that you are okay. They have obviously seen that you’re out of rehab, but you haven’t connected yet…”
“Only because Hank told me that I need to focus on other things…” I argue back.
“I know that, but I still think that a little Tweet wouldn’t go too far.” She shrugs.
“But one little Tweet will start a rampage, won’t it? The whole world will be on it. The press, the public, everyone who hates me… my words will be dissected and discussed by everyone.”
Rachel beams and hands me her phone. “You better make it a good one then.”
“You’re right,” I admit while staring at the screen like the technology is alien to me. It’s been forever since I used social media, so it is a little weird. “I owe the fans something for sure. But what? There are only a few spaces on Twitter. How do I say everything that I want to in all of that? It’s impossible.”
All of a sudden, I turn the phone around and point it in my direction, before I hit the camera button and record. If I’m going to do this then I might as well go all in and make it my all.
“Hi everyone,” I say a little awkwardly towards the screen. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since I spoke to all of you. I’m sorry about that. I probably shouldn’t have left it so long when I owe you an apology. An explanation as well. You deserve to know why things got so messed up with me.” I start to feel incredibly self-conscious and weird. But I won’t let that stop me. I can’t. It has taken me a long time to get to this point. “So, things got messed up for me, I guess you already know that. I made some mistakes along the way, much as everyone has, I’m sure, but the way that I dealt with them was wrong. I turned to alcohol to block stuff out… which is never the way. I just want to warn anyone thinking about going down that road to turn around now, because it doesn’t help.” I huff, shake my head, and chuckle mirthlessly. “Most people in an influential position like this wouldn’t want to tell you the truth. They would pretend that they were in rehab for prescription drugs or an illness… something like that, but that isn’t me. I will be honest with you to show you that I’m not perfect, that I do make mistakes, that everyone can go down the same road as me. If they aren’t careful.”
I glance across to Rachel and Gary who nod encouragingly, spurring me on. I don’t know if Hank will have the same opinion as them when it comes to this, I’m sure that he would prefer to be warned first, but their support is enough for me. I know that by doing this, I will be doing the right thing.
“Anyway, I made my mistakes and I took the wrong paths, but with a bit of help from the people around me – a lot of work actually – I am better now. Or working on myself anyway. Trying to be better. A part of that is making up for all that I have done to everyone. Obviously, a part of my error let you lot down too. You fans brought tickets to shows that couldn’t go ahead because of me. I want to make up for that. Management right now are rescheduling the shows so you will all get a chance to go.” Inspiration hits hard. “And I will make sure that there is merchandise for all who missed the shows before, on me. If there are people out there who can’t attend the new dates as well, because I’m aware that you all have other lives aside from our tour, or you can’t make travel arrangements again… well let me know and I will see what I can do. Erm… if anyone has any questions about what I’ve been through, please Tweet them to us and I will try and answer what I can. But as you can see…” I move the camera around. “We are in the recording studio right now, getting some new music made for you, so if I can’t reply right away just know that I will soon enough. I promise you. Bye for now, thank you all for sticking around during my hard times, I hope that you can forgive me while I make it up to you.”
I wave and end the video before uploading it to the Internet. A weight flies off my shoulders as I do. That was definitely the right thing to do. The fans needed to hear something from me, and that was a good step in the right direction. I’m sure that I can’t please every single fan unfortunately, but this is a start.
“Wow, Hank is going to have a lot to say about that!” Rachel laughs while taking back her phone. “But I know that you did a good thing there. The fans will appreciate it… they might cost you a fortune though.”
“It’s only money, isn’t it? They deserve it after sticking around for such a long time.”
Gary pats me on the shoulder and nods along, agreeing with me in his own special way. I appreciate the gesture; it means absolutely everything to me. Just having his support after all that I have done means the world.
“I don’t know what I would do without you guys,” I say to them both. “Thank you for sticking around.”
“You’re welcome. You know that we will be here through everything,” Rachel grins, being her usual amazing self. “But don’t ever spiral downhill again or I might have to murder you.”
I toss my head back and laugh at her little joke, knowing that there might well be a bit of truth to that as well. I don’t think the band can survive another fuck up, which is just fine because it isn’t going to happen again. There isn’t a possibility. I am far too aware of all that can be lost, and I refuse to push my luck again.
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to sharpen any knives. I’m good now, I’m all better. I assure you.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Freya
“You look beautiful,” Linda coos as she finishes up my makeup. “You’re like… glowing. I can see how happy you are and it’s really nice. If anyone deserves all of this happiness, then it’s you.”
I burst in to laughter and nod at her. “I appreciate that. I appreciate it more that you haven’t said ‘I told you so’ yet. I mean, you were the first person to tell me that I would fall in love with the hot guy from the band.”
“To be fair, I didn’t think it would be so complicated to get there. And I also didn’t think that you would fall so head over heels in love. I assumed that it would be some hot sex then done.”
“Well, there was some hot sex as well… but thankfully that wasn’t the end of it!”
I hug myself tight, feeling a hot rush of love as I think about him. These couple of weeks with him out of rehab, sober, being creative, and spending all of his free time with me have been amazing. Utterly incredible. I can feel it all washing over me like a wave of lust and love. Burning hot, delicious, wonderful…
“Oh no!” I bolt up from my seat and dive for the bathroom nearby as the rush of love becomes something else. An intensive wave of nausea that can only end one way. With my head down the toilet bowl. This is why I picked the worst dressing room at the backstage area of Lunch With Mel to ensure that I can puke when I need to.
“Still ill, huh?” Linda asks, concerned. “When are you seeing the doctor?”
“When I’m done here,” I reply gruffly as I clean myself up. “Hopefully, I will get some answers then. I’m really getting fed up of feeling like shit. I know it’s probably just exhaustion but still…”
“Still you aren’t going to slow down, are you? You will still work just as hard.”
“Maybe.” I smile. “Unless they tell me that I really have to. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen. It’s always something though, isn’t it? Just as I sort out my love life, something else happens.”
“And you really do
think that it’s sorted? There are no signs of any trouble?”
“No.” I’m so glad that I can answer this honestly. “I really think that all is good. Going to rehab has changed Alex’s life. He needed it. It’s obviously changed my life as well because it has brought him to me for real. His brain isn’t stuck with some events from the past so he can give himself to me.”
Alex has explained to me now that it wasn’t ever really about Mandy. This woman who I have never met but who was a ghost in the way of me and him. I believe him too. It was obviously a little bit about her because he potentially threw away his relationship with his brothers for her, but it ran so much deeper too.
“Well, you better keep all this love struck nonsense to yourself,” Linda giggles. “Because it’s time to get out there and kick some ass. Make some more people fall in love with you.”
I take the cue and head out on stage, first performing All Done for the audience, while thinking about the love of my life as I do, then I take my seat beside Mel to have my interview with her. We talk about my music for a while and the new direction of my career, but I get that feeling again… the one where I am about to get asked a question that I’m not prepared for. A bit like I did at a radio interview a while back… one that I ended up bombing before I raced to Alex’s rehab to see him. For a while, there were rumors that I was in the middle of a mini break down myself, but people soon got bored of that when nothing else happened. If I’m going to have the same freak out here, then it might all spark again… but while I feel like Mel is about to come at me with something surprising, I don’t get the impression that it will be a Spanish Inquisition. I don’t get the impression that she wants to catch me out. I have seen a few of her shows anyway and I know that she doesn’t work that way.
“So, Freya.” Her voice changes. I brace myself preparing for what is coming. “I have to ask you about Alex.”