by Brenda Ford
“Now, we are going to ignore those people outside and live our life as normal,” Rosie says determinedly. “This isn’t going to be the most interesting story to ever happen to them so once they realize that you aren’t coming out to give them what they want, they will go. Just hold your head high, Mom. Trust me.”
I don’t know if I can do exactly what Rosie wants from me, but since she’s being so supportive, I owe it to her to try. So, I force as much of a smile on my face that I can manage, and I nod. “Okay, I trust you.”
“Screw those guys. Let them rot outside in the cold. We have everything that we need right here.”
I am only missing one thing, and I don’t know where he is, but the way that things are going I might have to get used to life without him. I never wanted that, and I know that he doesn’t either, but this time around it seems like love might not be enough.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nelson
“Amelia!” I scream above the sounds of everyone else. “Amelia, it was him, it was Lux.”
Seeing him has given me the much needed kick up the ass to go and find her, to comfort her through all of this. But there is a wall of people in my way and I can’t get anywhere. I don’t even know where she is. Heads are bobbing everywhere, and I don’t know who they are. All assholes trying to rip me and Amelia apart. Lux is fucking clever. He has created all of this drama and stepped away, getting none of the blame. Well, I will make sure that the whole fucking world knows what he’s done. We can’t just leave it at this.
“Nelson.” All of a sudden, a pair of arms grab me and pull me backwards. “What are you doing?”
I don’t even look to see who it is, so I try and yank away from the person to keep on fighting to get into Amelia’s home, where I’m hoping that she is by now, but whoever it is has more strength than me. I thrash violently, but to be perfectly honest, all I’m doing is tiring myself out.
“Nelson, stop it.” This time the voice is right in my ear, and its Brad. “Stop fighting. Come with me.”
I know that I can’t keep fighting Brad. He really is a lot stronger than me, so instead of kicking off some more, I slump against him and allow him to drag me away. I don’t want to, every instinct inside of me is screaming to be set free, but I don’t have a choice. It seems to me that Amelia is free from the crowd anyway.
“Brad, where is she?” I scream once inside our house. “What happened to her?”
“Rosie took her in.” Oliver waves his cell phone at me. “She just messaged me. She’s inside.”
I nod slowly, tears filling my eyes. “I’m sorry, Oliver. You must hate me for all of this.”
“I don’t hate you.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say to you right now, but I don’t hate you.”
Brad pulls out a chair at the dining table and indicates for me to sit down. Since I don’t know what else to do, I do as he commands and slump my head forwards on to the table, hitting my head on the table as I do.
“What a fucking mess,” I moan. “I knew this was going to happen, I was warned by everyone, but I carried on anyway. Now… well, I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. We’re both going to lose everything.”
Which college will want me now? Knowing that I have hooked up with a teacher will surely make me a liability? I have spent such a long time worrying about which one to pick, now I need to worry about them taking me. God, my future might well be down the pan, all thanks to that asshole.
“You won’t lose everything.” Brad pats me on the shoulders reassuringly. “Everything will be fine. Trust me.”
“You don’t think colleges won’t want me now? Like they won’t think I’m trouble… oh God.” I shake my head hard. “What am I even talking about? It isn’t really about my future, is it? I don’t care what happens to me. It doesn’t matter. I deserve whatever comes my way. But Amelia… she is going to lose it all as well.”
There’s a thick silence clinging to the air. Everyone knows that I’m right. I glance between Brad and Oliver silently begging them to tell me what to do. The more I think about everything that Amelia has been through and how hard it’s been for her to get to where she is, the worse I feel. I should have waited. I should’ve been patient.
“How can I make this right?” I beg once more. “How can I make sure that she’s okay?”
“I think that might be up to her to do,” Brad says quietly. “I don’t think if you interfere will make it better.”
Those words make me sick to my stomach. I can easily read between the lines and see that he thinks I have made a mess of Amelia’s life on her behalf and that I shoulder the blame for it.
“But I can’t just do nothing, can I? I can’t just leave it and let her suffer.”
“If you do nothing and let her deal with it, she will decide how she wants to handle it. She will decide if she wants to deny it or if she wants to agree with it and take the blame. What you need to do is take a step back.”
“Step back? What do you mean? Like keep away from her? For how long?”
Even the idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. We have fought for too long, jumped over too many hurdles, been through too much to take a step back now. It seems smarter to me to keep on fighting.
“I don’t know. But for a while.” Brad’s lips turn into a thin line. Determination flows through him. “I know you probably had an amazing summer planned, but you can’t keep on with that now. There will be too much heat on you both. Too many people following you, wanting to take Amelia down.”
The idea of them coming after her is what gets to me. They can do anything to me. Yes, I’m still afraid for my future, but I would shoulder anything for her. But I can see what Brad means and I don’t like the idea of Amelia having her life destroyed even more than it already has. It is too much. Perhaps continuing to fight isn’t the right answer and I need to take a step back. Taking my own advice hasn’t really worked out so perhaps it’s the time for me to listen to what someone else thinks… even if I don’t like it.
“Right.” Wesley enters the room with a determination flooding him. “Ah, Nelson you’re here. Good. I’ve just been speaking to my friend in New York, trying to find a solution for you, and he says there is a work based program that you can get involved with over the summer, to help you with extra credit for college.”
This is exactly what Luna is doing for her course, and I remember thinking that it’s a good idea… but is it a good time now to go for it?
“I can’t just run off to New York!” I gasp. “I can’t go now when everything is bad.”
“Actually, this is exactly the time that you need to go,” he replies firmly. “You can’t stay here now and make this all worse. You need to get some time away from all of this. Anything that you think you can do for Amelia right now will only make it worse. This is a shit storm right now. You being in the middle of the shit storm won’t allow it to die down. This is your future. This is what you’ve been working towards. I’m going to tell you now that this is the opportunity of a life time. Don’t throw it away. Please, Nelson. Listen to my advice.”
I hang my head down, wishing that I had something better to reply. “But what about her?”
“Amelia will be fine. Not only can she take care of herself, but we will be here to look after her.”
“I don’t like this, Wesley, I really don’t. I don’t want to go.”
“Nelson, I saw you in New York. You loved it. You can’t deny that you absolutely loved it. You were a different person there. All lit up and enthusiastic. That died as soon as you got back here. All of this drama made you lose your inspiration. I want to see you get that back. We all do. We want you to be happy and being stuck here won’t do you any good. You need some time away from here. You both need that. Amelia needs space to work out what she’s going to do as well. This is the best thing for both of you.”
“But if I go to New York, then it means I’m going to college in New York as well. That means I can’t be here. I can’t co
me back all the time quite as easily which will put a dent in my and Amelia’s relationship.”
Brad sits in front of me and stares directly at me. “You need time to grow up, Nelson, to become the man that you’re capable of being. I know that might seem ridiculous right now. I’m sure you think you know it all, but there is still so much for you to grow. For you to become a well grown man. You owe it to yourself and Amelia to do that. Then if it’s meant to be, when you come back, you can be. But think about what’s going on outside right now. That is what you both will face if you stay here. For a long time. It might taint everything and even cause you to resent one another. I don’t think either of you would want that, do you?”
I shake my head, seeing just what they can see as well. I don’t like the picture that they are painting but maybe it’s a realistic one. They are seeing it without the rose tinted glasses of love.
“I can only do the summer,” I inform Wesley sadly. “Some of it. Then I will have to come back. I can’t leave Amelia for that long because I love her. I don’t think you lot understand how much I love her.”
“Okay, the summer.” Wesley looks visibly relieved. “I think that might be a good idea. I can’t ask more of you than that. Just some space to get your head in order. We will obviously keep you informed as to what is going on here and look after Amelia as promised. But for the pair of you, you moving out to New York is for the best.”
“So, when do I have to go?” I ask sadly. “When am I needed in New York?”
“Tomorrow. I think the early flight will be best. The sooner you go, the better.”
Tomorrow feels too soon, but at the same time if I don’t go tomorrow then I know it will give me too much time to talk myself out of it. My heart will win out over my head. I’ll choose passion over being smart. So, I nod and agree with Wesley. Tomorrow, it is. But I will have to see Amelia first. I need her to know that I’m not running away, that I’m giving us both some space… but that if she wants to follow me to New York, then so be it. Hey, maybe I will be able to have her in New York with me, making all of my dreams come true!
“I will go and pack my stuff then.” I rise from the seat and meet Wesley’s eyes. I try my hardest to communicate my gratitude to my brother even if it doesn’t feel great right now, but I don’t know if he gets it.
“This is for the best,” he tells me quietly. “You might hate me right now, but one day you will see.”
“I don’t hate you,” I echo Oliver’s sentiments from before. “I get it. I know that you just want to do what’s right. I should have been smarter. I thought with my heart and not my head.”
My body feels heavy as I drag it up the stairs. Nothing quite feels right but I’m finally starting to see what everyone has been trying to tell me all along. That right now, love isn’t enough. Not here anyway, not in this place. One day it will be, but for now even the shadows aren’t going to be enough to hide us.
Chapter Thirty
Amelia
I can already see the bags on Nelson’s bed. I guess those are the cases that he packed to leave. I already knew from Rosie that this might be a possibility, but seeing it unfold in front of me is something else. Oliver explained to her why this has to happen, so the press get bored of following me alone and they don’t get anything, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I understand why, but I hate the fact that Lux has won. It doesn’t feel right.
A tear leaks down my cheek as I think about staring into that empty bedroom thinking about what could have been. I don’t know how long Nelson will leave for, but since college comes soon, it’ll probably be for years.
“This is good,” I remind myself quietly. “I know that New York is what he wants.”
I could see in his eyes that he wanted it but he wouldn’t admit it because that was when we were in a dreamland, imagining that nothing could touch us. We didn’t know then that our perfect little world was about to come crashing down around us. That Lux was going to get in the way and destroy us.
“We can’t really be in love anyway.” My voice sounds hollow and empty, even to myself. “He’s too young for me. It wouldn’t work. What about when he eventually wants a family? That won’t work.”
I slide my eyes closed, trying not to weep as I think about him with someone else. A girl his own age who can give him everything that he wants and more. Some beautiful young girl who can make him smile just as much as I do. I can’t be the only woman who brings that look to his face.
“That will be good,” I whisper. “I want him to be happy. Even if he isn’t with me.”
It doesn’t matter that I won’t have happiness, that is not my last chance at it. That short time we shared together will be the most incredible I have ever had, and I will have to find a way to live with that.
Tap, tap. The small sound makes me jump. My eyes snap open. Tap, tap.
It’s Nelson sitting on the tree outside my window, waiting to come in. I get a rush of emotions as I pull the window inside and let him in, immediately enveloping him in a hug as soon as I can get hold of him.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs against me. “I’m sorry what happened today. I’m sorry I froze.”
“It wasn’t your fault. Lux did this to us. It was revenge. He wanted to get back at me. Plus, you can’t be to blame for how you reacted to the shock. I barely even remember it. It was all just a blur.”
We pull back to look at one another, remembering everything that we shared between us. If only we could have waited a little while longer before we started, it might not have ended this way.
“So, you’re going to New York.” I nod and gulp, trying to keep everything inside. “That’s good.”
“I don’t want to. Wesley sorted it out for me because he thinks that we need space.”
“I agree.” I don’t know what I think about it really, but this is the logical thing to say. “I think it will be better for you to get away. This all needs to die down. If you’re here and living next door to me, it won’t.”
He brushes his fingers through my hair, softly touching my cheek. “But what about you? This is what I don’t like. I know that it might be the best thing for you so the press gets bored and leaves you alone, but how will you cope with it all? I would rather be there for you to support you through it all.”
“Hey, I’m a big girl.” I smile thinly. “I can handle myself. Don’t you worry about that.”
“Your job?” he asks with a cocked eyebrow. “The high school must know about it now.”
That’s the absolute last thing that I want to think about right now. “Don’t worry about that. I can hack it.”
I can tell by his nodding that he isn’t happy about this, but he doesn’t have any choice but to accept it. There is a real heaviness to the air, a knowledge that me and him are really over now. I’m sure in his head, Nelson believes that he will return from New York a lot to keep things going, but I know it won’t work that way. He will grow and become the man that he’s always been supposed to become. He won’t need me in that.
I always knew that he was going to leave me behind. I just chose to ignore that.
“So, I guess this is it.” He sounds really choked up. “At least for a little while.”
“Are you leaving tonight?” My heart aches. I don’t want to let him go, I need him here, but that’s selfish of me. Really, I’m the only one to blame here. I’m the adult, the one who was in a position of power, I was the one who should have taken a step back… plus, the trouble has been caused by my ex. So, it makes perfect sense for me to be the one to deal with all of this. “Or do we have a little time first?”
“No, tomorrow morning. I have some time. Thank God, because I really don’t want to leave now.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue that I don’t want him to go either, but if I say that then I really will put his future at risk. My life as I know might stop here, but his doesn’t have to. He can keep going forever if he wants. I want that for him. I don’t want this to affect him as
much as it does me. So, instead of saying anything, I grab him and kiss him, hoping that I can show him how much I appreciate him instead.
He kisses me back desperately. We share the same sheer need for one another that comes out in our lips as we move them in unison with one another. Instead of focusing on how much I’m going to miss this, I choose to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is. The last moments of me and him.
“I will miss you,” he gushes while lifting me from my feet and carrying me over to the window sill. He places me down and kisses all over my cheeks and face. “This summer without you is going to be impossible.”
“I’ll miss you too.” He falls to his knees in front of me and pulls my panties down. It’s weird that I’m still wearing the same summer dress I came home in. So much has happened while in this outfit. Part of the best weekend of my life, a bit of us deciding to be together, then all of the drama with the press – who have thankfully vanished now, I guess we aren’t that interesting – and now this. The final goodbye with the one person I have properly loved. The end of an era. “Oh, Nelson, I am going to miss this so much.”
He slides his hands up my legs all the way towards my core. By the time he strokes my soaking wet slit, he rises to his feet and crashes his lips to mine, slipping his fingers inside of me at the same time. I shudder and scream between his lips, loving this last moment of connection between us both.
His fingers spear me, filling me up, sending my head spinning. I grip on to the window sill to hold me up while he continues to fuck me with his hand, making this the most memorable time together forever. I toss my head backwards and give him my throat to kiss, which he does rapidly. His teeth, tongue, mouth, are everywhere. It’s so much, I can hardly handle it. It causes me to tumble even deeper in love.
“I want to hold you,” I cry out before I explode all over his fingertips. “I want to feel you.”