by Brenda Ford
“You fought?” I feel horrible. I didn’t mean for anything like that to happen. “Was it bad?”
“Well, we had a physical fight, and we haven’t spoken to one another since.”
“Shit.” I lean back in my chair and stare regretfully at her. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that. Do you want me to try and talk to her? See if there is anything that I can do?” Not that Rosie wants to speak to me either.
“No, no, that’s fine. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It would be better if we just let it happen naturally.”
Oh God, my stomach sinks. I realize what a massive mess I have made of everything. Even if I didn’t know how old Ellie was, I did know that it might cause issues with Rosie and I still went ahead with it. That’s awful. I so desperately want to go back in time and make it all right again, but I guess Ellie is right. I can’t make the damage okay. It needs to be between them two. All I can do is not make it any worse.
“I’m sorry about it all,” I tell her sadly. “Sorry about all of it. I feel so dreadful. I’ve wanted to speak to you ever since I walked away from you, I just didn’t have the courage to do so. But I was wrong. I know now that I should have handled it all differently and I’m just… well, I’m sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.”
Her eyes hit the floor. I hate the way it seems like she can’t even look at me right now. It’s as if she will never forgive me for my behavior which I guess is understandable. But I need her to. I won’t be able to get closure without that. But this isn’t about me. I need to swallow my pride, my needs and let her needs win out. Even if a small part of me is destroyed in the process. We don’t always get what we need, do we?
“Okay.” She nods slowly. “It’s okay. I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. Nor do I blame you for falling in love with Rosie. She’s absolutely perfect for you, isn’t she? You and her… fit together.”
“I don’t want Rosie,” I admit. “I thought that I did at one point, before you came along into my life, but I don’t. She’s great for me friendship wise, but we aren’t ever going to have a relationship. Regardless of…”
I can’t finish that. Ellie knows what I mean anyway. I don’t need to say ‘regardless of you’.
“So, you and her aren’t together?” she gasps. “And you’ve told her you feel that way?”
“I had a conversation with her, yes. I told her that I don’t want to be together. She had a hard time accepting it, but she knows. I’m sure that we will get our friendship back at some point.”
“As it was?” she asks me pointedly. “You think it will be exactly the same? Best friends hanging out?”
“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “I don’t know what happens from here. I will just have to wait and see.” She’s silent, just looking at me like she’s waiting for more. So that’s exactly what I give her. “I don’t regret anything. I wouldn’t change what happened for the world. Aside from the ending.” As I say these words, I realize just how true they are. “Me and you, we had something really good. I don’t like losing Rosie, but I still can’t regret anything. I wouldn’t want to change what we went through because it was so amazing.”
“It was, wasn’t it?” She smiles off in to the distance, thinking about us too. “It was great.”
“Shame it… you know, turned out like it did.” I find it much harder to smile.
“I know, but it is what it is. We can’t change it, can we? I can’t make myself older, you can’t make yourself younger. I can’t take back the lie, you can’t take back the way that you reacted… all that we can do now is find a way to move forward. As… friends, or acquaintances. Whatever you want to do.”
She’s mature. More mature than I ever gave her credit for. But it’s hardly surprising because she’s had to grow up so quickly. She hasn’t had any choice in the matter. I’m sure there’s more that she’s been through which I don’t know about which is why, in a way, she seems even more grown up than I am.
It makes me think… it can’t change things, I suppose, but it does make me think…
“So, I suppose I better get back. I have… things I need to get done at home while I have a break.”
I don’t know if this is true, but I can’t exactly blame her for not wanting to spend her free evening with me. If this conversation is as painful for her as it is for me, then no wonder she wants to escape. The idea of this being the last time that we ever hang out is killer. But it’s a pain that I simply need to swallow down.
“Sure, do you need a ride home, or don’t you live too far from here? I have my car at the office…”
“No, I’m good. My apartment is just around the corner, so I’m all good.”
There’s an awkward silence where it seems like she might be about to ask me to come around some time, or maybe she’ll invite me to come to her work place again, but she doesn’t. She keeps those lips of hers tightly sealed. It’s a shame. I won’t be able to see her again without an invite because it’ll be too obvious.
“Right.” I stand up, scraping my chair on the floor as I do. “Let’s go then.”
I walk in the same direction as her, even though that’s not the way I’m going, and we chat about nothing in particular. It’s so natural, it’s like breathing, so I don’t even need to consider the words falling out of my mouth. It’s nice not to have to worry about what I’m speaking about; it helps me to relax.
“So… this is me,” she finally declares outside a pretty nice apartment block actually. “It was good to see you.”
“It was wonderful to see you too. It’s nice to… I don’t know, just talk. It’s been a long time.” She smiles and my heart warms with joy. “I maybe would like to see you again some time, for a coffee or something.”
I nod, even though it’s a dangerous idea. Us seeing one another again takes me down a path where my feelings can only grow over time. But I also can’t just shut her out. “I would like that very much.”
One hug. That’s my plan. One hug just to say goodbye. That’s what friends do when they say goodbye. But I instantly know that it’s a mistake because the sensation of her body against mine creates electrical tingles everywhere. I’m on fire and every moment we remain connected it gets more intense. So, I pull back to pull away. I try to stop it before it gets too much… yet somehow, I end up with her lips on mine and a massive internal explosion. And what I thought would have been a goodbye, turned into an unplanned entry into her house.
Chapter Thirty
Ellie
I stir in the bed, shifting the sheets over me as the heat gets a bit too much. I’m not normally so warm, especially not when it’s cooler outside, but this morning I am. It takes me a moment to work out why. To remember exactly what happened last night and to bolt upright in bed, panicking that I’ve fucked up all over again.
“Shit,” I whisper as I rake my fingers through my hair while I look down at the sleeping gorgeous man beside me. Somehow, he manages to look different here. Sexier. More appealing than ever before. He makes my heart pound and throb so much harder, which only makes it more difficult that this can’t continue. Despite the intoxication that I feel for him, regardless of the chemistry that overwhelmed us last night, it’s over. We decided.
But does it have to be? Really? If we had sex last night, then how much can he really want to reject me because of my age. Maybe he’s over the shock now and willing to look passed it. And if he doesn’t want to be with Rosie, then why can’t we be happy? Of course, I still don’t want to hurt my cousin, but I don’t want to turn down real feelings either. I don’t want to turn my back on the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Would she ever be happy for me? I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if she will ever be able to look passed the betrayal. I have lived without her before, and while I don’t want to do it again, I know that I can.
“Am I really considering this?” I ask myself quietly as I slide out of the bed. “What is the matter with me?”
I c
an’t seem to be decisive about this man no matter what I do. Every time I think that it will be okay for us to be apart, that shifts and changes all over again. Mainly when I’m around him and my body starts pulsing with need. If he didn’t inspire that in me then maybe I would be okay, but I can’t help needing him with every inch of me. He just does something so insane to my body that no one else will ever achieve.
I head straight for the bathroom and flick the shower on, smiling to myself as I wait for the water to heat up. Normally, this would be the time where I’d peel my clothes off, but I’m buck naked already. The same as I have been all night long because Oliver has been exploring my body in that expert way of his.
“Oh God, I’m falling for him all over again.” Not that I ever stopped really, but it’s definitely more dramatic now. The way that I’m feeling this morning is far more intense. Far more dramatic. I know for sure that if I lose him again like I did before then it will tear an even deeper hole within me.
Eventually, the water is hot enough, so I climb in and allow the steaming jets to pummel me. They wash off what happened last night, but the imprint of his body remains. I can practically feel him pushing up against me, thrusting deep within me, sending my head spinning in to space once more. I tingle with need. It doesn’t matter how much he satisfied me last night, I am needy and desperate all over again. Unfortunately, I’m alone and he’s still sleeping. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get what I need. I know how to pleasure myself…
I slide my eyes closed and tilt my head back, allowing the water to rush over my face, and I allow my fingers to trickle down my body. Sparkles of excitement burst through me as I reach further and further down. I don’t go for my most sensitive area right away, I remain brushing over my belly, just enjoying the tingles, almost teasing myself. But soon I can’t handle it because the memory of him is so fresh, so I part my thighs a little and slip my hungry fingers between my legs. I stroke my clit, remembering how I nibbled his shoulders as he lifted me up off the bed and slammed me down on to my front so he could fuck me from behind.
Oh God, it felt so good to have him inside of me when I was on all fours. He pushed all the way in me, I could feel so much of him, and it was incredible. I will never forget the sensation of his balls hitting my ass with every single thrust. I’m there all over again as I brush my clit fast. Back in exactly the same position and I love it. I love it so much that I almost dive out the shower and claim him all over again. I would if I could move, but right now I’m eager for the pleasure and I won’t stop until I can get it.
“Oh God,” I groan, my hair flicking droplets of water all over my back. “Fuck, Oliver.”
“You’re thinking of me?” His voice shocks me to the core. I immediately stop everything that I’m doing and stare at him, unsure what I’m supposed to do now. This is a little embarrassing… at least it should be, but actually it’s kinda hot. He’s been secretly watching me touch myself while I’ve been thinking of him.
“Come in with me, why don’t you?” I purr. “Then I won’t have to just think of you.”
I sound like a sexual goddess, like I know exactly what I’m doing, which is hot as well. I’m turning myself on more by the moment, which is awesome. It gives me an intense power that I just want to grab with both hands.
Without answering me, he tears his top off and strips down his clothing, while keeping his eyes fixed on me the entire time. I slip my fingers back between my legs and I massage gently.
“You have no idea how sexy you look right now,” he says firmly. “It’s too much.”
“Mmm, well I could say exactly the same about you.” I step back to make room for him, which he instantly fills with his thick muscular body. “But then you are always gorgeous. You know that.”
“I don’t know that…” he starts, but before he can begin putting himself down, I grab his arm and drag him to me, kissing him with absolutely everything inside of me. All the passion that I’ve tried to lock away comes flying free… possibly even more so than last night. I need him to know how badly I want him.
He claims me with his lips, giving me just as much as I am. I slide my hands down his naked chest, loving the wetness of his abs. They’re hard and firm, yet easy to slip my fingers all over which creates goose bumps popping everywhere, all over me. Even the heat of the water does nothing to stop them from arriving. The moan vibrating in my throat allows my hands to fall down further, over his stomach, grazing over that sexy as hell V muscle of his, all the way until his cock is resting between my fingers. His cock throbs with need, adding even more of a spark to flame. The slack jawed expression on his face buzzes in me, the desire deepening.
“Oh, fucking hell, Ellie,” he groans while gripping on to my shoulders. “That feels so damn good.”
I move harder and faster making him fall apart. He bucks his hips towards me, shuddering violently as the pleasure rockets through him. He’s crazed, I can see the flames dancing in his gaze, he wants me more by the second, which only fires me up even more. God, I’m about to fall apart.
“I want you,” I growl while nipping on the soaking wet skin of his throat. “You are so sexy, Oliver.”
When I’m with him like this, it’s easy to forget that tomorrow isn’t promised. That we still don’t know what’s going to happen between us. I can just live in the moment, enjoying being with him. Especially when he’s closing off any rational part of my brain causing me to be a slave to the phenomenal sensations rocking through me.
“You sound desperate,” he groans. “I like it when you sound all desperate.”
“You want me to beg, huh?” I lean in closer and nibble on his lips. “Well, I’m not going to. You should beg me if anything. I don’t think I have ever heard you beg for me like that before.”
“You want me to beg you? Ooh, I like the idea of that. Please, Ellie. Please, make love to me.”
The words ‘make love’ makes my heart stop beating for a moment. I practically crumble and fall apart. It might even just be the word ‘love’ because I’m pretty scared that I might feel that love for him. Even if it’s wrong, I can’t stop it coming. It fills me up and damn near knocks me to the ground.
I spin quickly and press my palms flat on the soaking wet tiles, poking my ass out to him. It might not exactly be like it was last night, but it’s close enough for us both to reminisce while creating new memories as well. He comes up behind me, his breaths fast and ragged, and presses himself against me. His steel rod pushes against my ass, demanding attention, as do his hands that cup around the front of me and grab my breasts, but I’m happy for just a second to enjoy the feeling of his body next to mine. That illicit love flowing.
It isn’t long before the passion gets the better of us and he slips inside, filling me up. I toss my head back and scream, absolutely loving the feeling of us connecting like this. It’s fucking wonderful. Particularly when his fingers travel down from my breasts and begin circling my clit. He’s touching me even better than I was touching myself only seconds before. The graze of his silky velvety touch combined with the strong thrusts coming from behind are almost overwhelming. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep myself in check.
“Oliver, I… I…” Shit, as the pressure of pleasure grips me, I can feel the words spilling out. Words I’m not ready to say aloud yet because they could quite easily shatter me and make me crumble. “I… lo…”
Thankfully, that’s the moment the waves of hot bliss circle me. They take my brain and my body and turn them in too much. I don’t even know how I’m still holding myself upright with the slippery floor beneath me, but with the help of Oliver it’s all going well. I don’t know how long that will last because he seems to be drowning under the waters of gorgeous pleasure with me. We’re being consumed together, our chests growling with it, both of us tumbling hard and fast towards the edge. The idea of losing it at the same time is too much.
“Fuck!” My body trembles as the orgasm tears through me. Lightening bolts he
at up my core, I scream as the endless waves just keep on coming. Every thrust hits me, buckling my knees, knocking me hard against the wall and I love it. It’s a sensation that I never want to end. “Oh my God, Oliver, that is… you are…”
The louder I scream; the tighter Oliver wraps his arms around me. My walls contract around him, coaxing the orgasm from him too, and he explodes like a volcano inside of me. I adore every noise that comes out of his mouth, it makes me feel deeper connected to him than ever before.
I don’t want to lose him, I realize. I want to keep him forever… somehow.
Chapter Thirty-One
Oliver
I munch the food in silence, pretty much avoiding any sort of conversation with Brad while I think. I can feel his beady eyes on me, needing me to tell him what’s going on, but I can’t share more. It was bad enough telling him everything the first time around. I don’t think he’ll like what I’ve done now.
“Come out with it,” he eventually barks. “Tell me what’s going on. You have that look on your face.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat. “I don’t have any look.”
“What have you done? You’ve done something for sure. You have made a mess of things.”
“Am I that predictable?” I want to laugh but it’s far too close to the truth for my liking.
“Yes, you are. I mean, it was pretty clear that you were going to end up making another mistake.”
“But I’m usually so sensible,” I insist. “I’m not one for making big mistakes. Not until now.”