by Brenda Ford
He is only telling me everything that I already know. This is what I have already decided, but I haven’t followed through on it yet. For some reason, I haven’t followed my own advice. I nod along, agreeing with him, but not quite sure where to start. If I don’t try to find out where her head is at though, it will be torture forever.
She must have some feelings for me, mustn’t she? She wouldn’t have sex with me for no reason, so there is some hope. Plus, there was a whole heap of romantic energy between us all evening long.
“Communicate,” Brad tells me seriously. “That’s a big mistake in relationships. Especially when things are all fresh and you’re trying to figure things out. You need to communicate with one another.”
Communicate. Brad is basically telling me that stepping back and doing nothing isn’t the best thing to do which is actually music to my ears. I don’t want to do nothing. I want to see her right away. When she headed to New York, I gave her space. I sat back and did nothing and that was a mistake. I need to do everything differently this time around because I can’t go another five years without having the love of my life.
I nod at Brad and thank him for his advice before running towards the hotel. And this time, I do run. I don’t hold anything back; I race at the speed of light letting my face do whatever the hell it wants. This step is a huge and important one, and it’s about me and Zoe. Not the rest of the world.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the hotel, but it takes me much longer to find out what room Zoe is staying in. The woman at the reception desk doesn’t seem keen to tell the slightly crazed man who is completely out of breath where a woman is staying who isn’t a member of his family. Luckily, once I calm down a bit, I manage to find that deep down charm, and I talk her around, telling her a little bit of my story. The romance of it gets to her. She’s nearly filled with tears by the end of it and she wishes me luck as she tells me where to go.
I’m going to need that luck, all of it because this is everything to me.
But it all seems to be a waste of time. I get to the door and bang upon it, but no one answers. I press my ear up against the door, but I don’t think she’s ignoring me. I don’t think she’s here. Maddie certainly isn’t because I would be able to hear her adorable cute little voice. She doesn’t spend a lot of her time in silence. So, I have to come to the conclusion that the knocking isn’t going to get me anywhere.
She can’t be back in New York; I tell myself before I can really panic. She hasn’t checked out yet.
I don’t think that Zoe would do that again anyway, even if I have done something to upset her. She wouldn’t run off and take my daughter away from me. Not without making a plan with me. She’s always been the more grown up one of us both, so I need to calm the hell down.
I should go. Come back later, but I don’t think I can. I don’t know what else I would do. Right now, this is the only thing that I need to do. There isn’t anything else in the world that needs my attention and I really won’t be distracted by anything. I don’t have any choice. However long it’s going to take, I need to take a seat and wait for her. I need to have a conversation with Zoe the moment that she returns.
I slide to the floor and rest my head back against the door, trying to use this time wisely by planning what I’m going to say when I finally see Zoe again. I want my words to be right. I need my declaration of love to be absolutely perfect when I finally get it out there. I want her to know how much she means to me.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Zoe
“What time is the plane coming?” Maddie asks me while bouncing up and down by my side. “I can’t wait.”
“It won’t be long.” I squeeze her hand reassuringly. “I promise you. Not much longer. It’s on its way.”
This airport holds a lot of my emotions. I feel like every time I have been here; it’s been a dramatic time of my life. Once, when I was leaving and dropping all of my drama off. Then again when I came back. At the time, I thought that I was picking all of my shoulder weight back up again, but now I think that I was wrong. I was just nervous, that was all, worried about how things were going to turn out. As soon as it became okay again, I was okay too, and I have been ever since then. Until today when I’m back at the airport with more emotions on me.
Last night was so good, I tell myself as again, I try to figure out what my next move is. But it’s scary.
Thankfully, today I will work out if I want to follow myself in to that fear or not, if I’m brave enough to follow my heart, or if I need to follow my head instead. My best friend has decided to take some time out of her busy schedule to come and visit me here, to help me with my decision. Jessica called me this morning, as soon as I picked up Maddie, and she told me that she was at the airport. I like the way that she has left me with no choice because she can sense how much I need her. I wouldn’t have told her not to come anyway. I need her.
I’m going to have to confess everything though, of course. All the parts of the story that are embarrassing and involve me not listening to her advice at all. She will probably kick my ass, but at least she won’t judge me. Of that I can be truly grateful. This is the exact reason why we have always remained friends… because we are there for one another in a way that I haven’t found with other women. Hannah has made me wary.
“Is that her?” Maddie slips her hands away from mine and she runs off. I immediately try to grab her just in case this is someone else, but she’s a slippery little snake and she gets away. Thankfully, it is Jessica’s arms she jumps in to. My best friend hugs her as if she’s her own child, which causes a wave of emotions to rush through me. Without even knowing that it’s coming, a tsunami of tears burst through my eyes. My face is soaking before I can properly gather myself up. Bringing Jessica in to this part of my life is just too much. Nothing is separate anymore; it’s all come crashing in and I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with it all.
“Oh, Zoe.” Maddie and Jessica both come to hug me, to give me some much needed support. “What’s happening? I knew that you needed me, but I didn’t know that things were this bad for you. Oh my God.”
I want to let everything out right away, I want to tell Jessica everything, so that she can put me on the straight and narrow. But I’m too choked up and emotional. I’m a sobbing freaking mess.
“Come on. There is a coffee shop over there with a little play area. Let’s take a minute.”
I allow Jessica to take me away from the crowds of people who are probably staring at me like I’m a freak and I take a seat. I do my best to wipe away my tears as Jessica gets us both drinks and Maddie jumps over to the play area to make a group of friends. It’s amazing how easy it is for children. They don’t even need to worry about trust. They don’t even need to worry about having something in common, they only need to be in the same place at the same time. It was the same at Brad’s party. Maddie just found a way to fit in. She’s so lucky.
“Right.” Jessica puts the steamy mug down in front of me and gives me a look. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Wesley,” I admit miserably, not bothering to beat around the bush. “I have made a mess of things again.”
“I thought as much. I take it that you haven’t exactly been following my advice then.”
“I have been! At first, I was. I have been making things only about Maddie, but things have changed. Last night, I ended up caving and me and him ended up in bed together.”
She sucks in a breath but doesn’t yell at me like I was expecting her too. “How was it?”
“Er, what? Spending the night with him? Or everything leading up until that point?”
“Both.” She shrugs. “Maddie is having a good time. We can be here for as long as you want.”
“Okay.” I don’t know where to start, so I decide to work backwards. “Well, last night was incredible, but that’s to be expected. Through everything, me and Wesley always had this really incredible chemistry, so being in bed with him is always going to
be intense. But it was intense before that as well. I feel like we have had a flirty edge the whole time I have been here. He’s been kind of irresistible.” I can’t look at her as I say all of this. “So, while I knew that it was a crazy idea and I shouldn’t do it, I couldn’t seem to help myself.”
“Mhmm. And how has been treating you and Maddie? Plus, have you talked about the past?”
“He has been so good with Maddie. I can’t fault him there at all. He’s stepped in to the father role much better than I thought he would. Him and Maddie have this absolutely incredible bond.”
“And you?” She cocks her head to one side. “While I’m glad that he’s being good with Maddie, what about you? Because he really hurt you before. I can’t forget all those nights of you crying, even if you can.”
“Oh, believe me, I haven’t forgotten it either. But he isn’t that person anymore. I mean, back then we were both sucked in to the work drama. It was an issue on both sides. Not that I’m diminishing what he did. But the situation was different then. We were younger, dumber, we worked together, and we didn’t have Maddie.”
“I see. So, you are basically telling me that he has grown up a lot? That’s good news.”
“It is. And I’m the one who ran out on him last night, and I haven’t spoken to him since, so perhaps I’m the one who has fucked up here.” I shrug my shoulders desperately, feeling incredibly hopeless. “I don’t know.”
I stare at Jessica, silently begging her to give me all of the answers, but she’s thinking about it. This is what she does. She doesn’t often snap with what she thinks I should do; she pauses and considers things so that when she finally does come back to me, she can be happy with what she has said. While I appreciate this, I don’t know how much longer I can wait to find out what step to take next. I’ve been swimming in this forever.
“I don’t want you and Maddie to leave New York,” she finally declared cautiously. “I have never wanted that. Having you guys around is amazing, I love it. But I can’t keep you with me for selfish reasons. We managed to remain friends before so I know that we will do it again. Plus, my life is moving on, me and my boyfriend are having a really good time and I’m sure that things will end up dead serious soon enough, so I can’t hold you back from letting your life move on too. That would make me a shitty friend, even if that is what I want. So, I do get it if you want to stay. For you and Maddie, because obviously she has a big family here.”
“So, you think I should stay?” That absolutely stuns me to the core.
“I don’t see why not. If it’s right for you. We will need to visit more though.”
“Oh, of course. I promise that me and Maddie will come and see you all the time.”
“As for Wesley.” She pauses again. “I don’t know what to say about that because I have spent such a long time thinking that he is bad news. But if you can accept that he’s changed and grown up, then I can too. Aside from that one idiot who you were engaged to once upon a time, Wesley is the only man who has ever caught your eye and there has to be a reason for that. I’m just scared that it’s a toxic, addictive reason.”
“It’s addictive, that’s for sure, but I don’t think it’s toxic. He’s a really nice person.”
Jessica reaches across the table and holds my hands. “Only you know what is best for you,” she tells me. “But if you are going to go back there again, you need to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes again. You need to communicate with one another and go about it in an adult way. You need to be on the same team.”
The thing is I have felt that way this time around. Of course, it helps not being in the same office and competing with one another, whilst also dealing with shit stirring gossips, but we have been on the same team. The way that he took care of me while Maddie was at a sleep over, the way that he has always put my feelings first, the way that he has proven himself to be a really great man… he’s just been really great.
“What if I fucked it up?” I groan to Jessica. “He might hate me for running away.”
“If he can’t understand that you need some time and space to process things, then he isn’t worth it. After everything that the pair of you have experienced, he must understand that this isn’t straight forward.”
I nod, knowing that she’s completely and utterly right, but there is a deep urge inside of me to talk to him right now. I can barely contain myself. Being in this airport is too far away from him because I want to make things good again. Now that Jessica has sorted my head out, in a way that I wasn’t expecting, I’m thinking clearly and all I want to do is reassure Wesley that I made a mistake by running away, because really, I want to be with him.
“I’m here now,” Jessica says with a smile. “I can take Maddie while you guys fix things.”
“Are you sure? I know that this goes against everything that you want for me…”
“All I want is for you to be happy. If he makes you happy, then I am good. The same as you want for me as well. It might not necessarily be what I thought that you should do, but it isn’t up to me.”
I need to take my destiny in my own hands and to move in the right direction. I need to move forwards and try and finally get the family that I have always wanted. Now, all I can see is that beautiful picture of everything working out. The image of it crashing and burning is long gone because I’m starting to see that me and him are meant to be. He is the love of my life, and I’m sure that we will work.
“Let’s get back,” I say to Jessica with a smile. “I guess I have a lot to get sorted now.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Wesley
It’s Maddie’s voice that makes me jump up from where I have been sitting on the floor for what feels like hours. It probably hasn’t been that long really, but the speed that everything has spun around in my head has made it feel like an eternity. But finally, they are back, and we can have this much needed conversation.
I try and smooth my crumpled clothes down, to make myself look as smart as possible, but I don’t think I’m pulling it off. I look like I have just rolled out of bed and ended up here… which I guess is the truth.
“Oh my God.” Zoe gasps loudly the moment that she sees me. “Wesley. You’re here. Why are you here?”
She might be hesitant as all of the color drains out of her face, but as usual, Maddie isn’t. She runs to me and hugs me tight, all while talking at a million miles an hour about their time at the airport. I could worry about that, thinking that they were about to run away from me again, but the woman behind Zoe confirms that they were going to pick up someone else. Thank goodness I haven’t lost them all over again. That would destroy me.
“I’m Jessica.” The woman stands in front of Zoe and holds out her hand to me. “Zoe’s best friend.”
As we shake hands, I see the warning in her face, and I take that on board right away. This woman knows that I hurt Zoe before, and she doesn’t want me to do it again. I don’t intend to, thank goodness. Because I would have my most precious organ torn from my body, I’m sure of it. Either that or she would straight up kill me.
“Nice to meet you, Jessica,” I reply with a slightly shaky tone of voice. “My name is Wesley.”
“I assume that you two have a lot to talk about.” She nods behind herself, towards Zoe. “So, me and Maddie are going to go out for ice cream to give you a little bit of time and space.”
“Oh, but I want to hang out with Daddy!” Maddie moans. “Can’t he come for ice cream too?”
“How about I come and join you in a little bit?” I ask her. “I just need to talk to your mommy first.”
She pouts out her bottom lip, but nods and agrees with me. “Okay, fine. But come later on.”
As she rushes over to Jessica and she takes her hand, I mouth the word ‘thank you’ to Zoe’s friend. She might not like me too much, but she’s giving me a chance. She is letting me say what needs to be said, which I think we both need. I will win her around eventually, I’m sure of it. If
she lets me.
And then me and Zoe are alone, the strange atmosphere waving around us. I smile at her anxiously, waiting. Everything that I planned to say has gone out the window because she’s stripped my breath away.
“Erm, do you want to come inside?” Zoe asks nervously, breaking our eye contact to grab her hotel room key. “Sorry, you have probably been sitting out here for hours just waiting for me. I didn’t think…”
“It’s fine.” I force a smile. “You had to go and get Jessica from the airport, I understand.”
I know that isn’t the case, but if she wants to blame running out on me on that then I will probably take it because it will make life easier for her. Then again, if she wants to communicate properly then I am up for that as well. Of course, that’s what I would prefer, but I just want to be on talking terms with her.
Once inside the hotel room, she perches on the edge of the double bed and indicates for me to take the chair opposite her. It feels weird to have this distance after last night, to be sitting more like we’re in a job interview, but I can’t complain. At least she’s with me and she hasn’t kicked me out already. That’s a good sign.
“I’m sorry, I know that I shouldn’t have run away last night,” she says stiffly. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was just a bit much and it really freaked me out. I think we might have moved a little quick, since we don’t know one hundred percent what we’re doing yet. We probably should talk some more first.”
“So, you want to go back to just co-parenting? We can do that. Whatever you want.”
It isn’t what I want. I am damn well head over heels in love with this woman, but I will do what I need to. I can keep my emotions in check to make sure that I don’t lose Maddie completely.