by Karli James
Blurb
The J Project
What happens when a successful romance author finds himself in both a dating, and writing slump? Well…
He’s accepted that he’s clearly hit a pathetic enough place that he lets his sister and best friend convince him to try online dating.
Sure, it’s true. I previously dated Satan, (please don’t ask me her real name, I can’t speak it without gagging), and I’ve also gone out on a horrific series of blind dates. Also, sure, my romantic writing might be taking the hit for my current awkward life experiences, but...online dating?
Fine! Fine guys, I’ll do it.
Step 1. Create a swoony online dating profile
Step 2. Try to find someone the opposite of Satan (this is much harder than I anticipated – have you tried online dating? Brutal) These women are cray-cray, and barely any of them know how to use proper punctuation. Commas are important, ladies. Truly, they matter.
Step 3. Find THE perfectly packaged woman adorned with, wait for it…FRECKLES! And immediately lay down the gauntlet. Or charm. Whatever.
Step 4. Find yourself at a bar fighting for a second chance because you were, quite obviously, a raging idiot who of course screwed up the first chance.
Step 5. Win the girl over with how obviously amazing, sweet, sexy, and humble you truly are.
Step 6. Tacos.
Step 7. Laugh more than you ever have, fall harder than you ever have, love harder than you ever have.
Step 8. Like a true romance author, rock that happily ever after so hard.
Look, guys, if you want specific and sometimes (at least a little) steamy, but mostly ridiculous deets, you just need to read the whole story. Don’t roll your eyes at me! Just trust me. Download the book, because…me. ;)
Please and thank you.
Sincerely,
Jude Lawson
The J Project
Karli James
THE J PROJECT
Copyright © 2019 by Karli James
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations em- bodied in critical articles or reviews.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Book Formatting done by Clara Stone of Reader Central
Cover Photo : Shutterstock
Cover Design : Karli James
Editing / Proofreading done by Halie Degnan
Warning: the unauthorized reproduction or distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminal copyright infringement, including infringement without monetary gain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a fine of $250,000.
To the dream of all of this; thank you for waking me up.
Without you settling rightly into my bones, and sighing heavily into my heart,
I might not have ever attempted the thing, that’s always been the longing,
That has now become the reality.
Contents
1. Jude
2. Kara
3. Jude
4. Kara
5. Jude
6. Kara
7. Jude
8. Kara
9. Jude
10. Kara
11. Jude
12. Kara
13. Jude
14. Kara
15. Jude
16. Kara
17. Jude
18. Kara
19. Jude
20. Kara
21. Jude
22. Kara
23. Jude
24. Kara
Epilogue - Jude
Acknowledgments
About Karli James
Chapter 1
Jude
I’m currently sitting in a bar on a Friday night, drinking a beer with my sister and best friend. As I’m staring above their heads to the neon blue of the sign hanging in the window, and trying to drown out their incessant nit-picking of each other’s souls, I’m also contemplating my will to live. Why am I here again? Why did I invite these idiots out? Oh right, because I, Jude Lawson, am currently residing in a deep pool of black muck. It’s thick, defiant, and ugly. It’s clinging to every aspect of my life; mainly my love life. How could this be? I should be great at this; however, I am not. My track record has proven this to me. If adults received report cards in dating and relationships, mine would be filled out with Fs and the ever daunting, ‘Incomplete.’
I shudder. That damn ‘Incomplete’, has me gripping my beer with white knuckles as I gulp down as much liquid as I can at once. Is this what it’s come to? Am I destined to live an incomplete life because my heart, my brain, and my dick can’t all agree on the appropriate woman to fill that ever-present open space inside of me? The one that’s beckoning the right tenant to permanently move in, and decorate the place with girly shit; too many throw pillows and delicious smelling candles, while the rest of the space just sighs in final contentment because it no longer finds those things scary, or repulsive? I mean that’s what the right woman does, right? All that annoying crap like pillows, and candles, make up lined up in bottles and tiny pots and wands on the counters, the color pink in my closet; All of that actually becomes everything every guy ever wanted, when it’s the right woman, right? I want the color pink in my closet. I want it to live there next to my blues and greens, and remind me that I’m not alone, and that while I may have a hideous track record, that I am in fact capable of finding that one right tenant, for that very open, and willing space inside my heart. That’s where I’m at in life.
My sister’s voice ordering us all a new round has me snapping out of my deeply romantic, yet depressing thoughts. I invited these two here for moral support, and so far, all they’ve managed to do is annoy each other more than they usually do. Good. Times.
“Guys, can you focus for just a sec here? I didn’t call you both so I could listen to the two of you bitch. I need help. I’m in a slump.” Both my sister Nina, and best friend Liam stop their incessant bickering to look over at me.
“Like…writing slump?”
“No. Yes. No. Wait. Shit. Yes, as a matter of fact I am in a writing slump. I have the third book in the series to write, and it’s not coming to me as easily. However, that’s not why I asked you here. I’m in a dating slump. Oh, also…No more blind dates.”
“But, why? How else are we supposed to help you?”
“Help me? Are you kidding me with this? You should just call them blind-sided dates.” Liam chuckles and has the nerve to ask:
“What the hell are you talking about, man?”
“I’m just politely asking if you two happen to actually hate me? Why else would you continue to set me up with horrible human beings. Do you not remember, Satan?”
“Satan was a long time ago, and we’ve not set you up with anyone even close to her brand of hideous.”
“You sure about that?”
“Maybe? I mean, what about Colleen? She seemed nice. Interesting.”
“She showed up at the restaurant in an eighteen hundred’s period dress; fit for a southern plantation and using a deep-rooted Charleston accent. The best part was that she did so as if it was normal, and never once explained why.”
Nina and Liam are snickering behind their hands.
“Bro, did you ask her?”
“Yes, I did. Well, I made a comment like, ‘Wow, that’s…an amazing outfit.’ All she did was smile at me.”
“She does reenactments. I didn’t realize she wou
ld show up on your date all dressed and ready for, well, battle.”
“She does Civil War reenactments?”
“Yup.” Nina popped the letter p at the end of that word like she was chewing a piece of bubble gum.
“And you knew this, prior to setting her up with me?”
“Sorta?”
“So, you do then, actually hate me. Comes as a shock, Neens. I thought we were close. I feel mislead by ya know, us sharing blood.”
“Oh stop! Okay, so Colleen should’ve been a red flag for me, but really my options are slim pickings. Most of the women I work with are already in relationships. I really don’t have many single lady friends or acquaintances.”
“And what about you Liam, what’s your excuse for Claire?”
“What are you talking about? Claire seems cool.”
“I’m sorry, ‘seems cool’? So you don’t actually know her all that well?”
“Well no, she was a daughter of a client, and she asked if I knew anyone single.”
“So, she was in fact, trying to get into your pants and you pawned her off on me?”
“She wasn’t trying to get into my pants!”
“Mmmhmm, so her talking about my, and I quote, ‘Hottie with a body best friend’, all night was just pure coincidence?”
“Oh.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I can’t actually argue with that statement right now. How did I miss that?” I rolled my eyes.
“You’re extremely dense when it comes to what’s right in front of you. In fact, both of you are.” Liam and Nina are frowning with almost identical expressions.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Nothing. Forget it.”
“No, I wanna know too, what the hell does that mean, Jude?”
“You’ll figure it out soon enough. Let’s get back to me. What.Do.I.Do?”
“Why don’t you just try to get some strange?”
“You’re such a dude, Neens. And no. I’m over that phase of life. I don’t want strange. I want real. I want a girl who blows me away; someone who makes me believe again that a solid, healthy, loving relationship can actually exist.”
“You’re such a woman, Jude.”
“Just because I’m capable of feeling emotions, and wanting love does not make me a woman. Pretty sure that just makes me human. Plus, I’m cute. I’m a fucking catch, so what is the damn problem?”
“Okay so blind dates are out; we’ve established that much. Why don’t you try online dating? That way you can set up a profile, and weed through the less attractive options. You can talk and get to know someone prior, all that jazz. It’s not a taboo thing anymore, Jude. This is how people do it.”
“Fuck. Seriously? This is what it has come to? Why can’t I just meet a nice hottie in the produce section? I could make a light joke about melons, really charm her, Jude style.”
“First, a bad melon joke is not a style. Secondly, this isn’t our parent’s generation. People don’t meet people organically anymore. Or in the organic section. I think online could be good for you. You’re picky. Also, you could use this experience for your writing. I bet it would provide tons of material. You’ll be looking for a woman, but in the process, you might just find more of yourself; more of what really would make you happy.”
“Liam, what do you think?”
“Well, if the blind dates aren’t working, and you don’t want to hook up, then yeah, I think Nina is right. Plus, she makes a valid point. After Satan, you really need to figure out exactly who you are, and what you’re looking for, and what you will not put up with again.”
“You guys are making me sound like a project.” Nina’s eyes lit up with mirth.
“You are a project! The J Project. Do it, learn from it, find love, write about it. All the wins.”
“Shit. That was kind of smart. I hate when you surprise me like that. The J Project, though?”
“Dick. But yes. The Jude Project just doesn’t flow as nicely.”
“Right, of course I need a good flow for a project that no one besides us even knows about.”
“Ugh, stop. Now we just have to find you the right dating site, and get a profile all set up.”
“Are you going to help me with this?”
“What? No. You’re the writer, you can write your own profile. I also know nothing about the best dating sites, because I do not date. Remember?” My eyes roll heavenward, as I take another large gulp of beer.
“Got it. So, I’m on my own, from here on out with this genius idea of yours. Is this what you’re saying?”
“Right. But I support The J Project, all the way. So does Liam. We also support you not calling us for awhile about this whiny bullshit.”
“Fuck you. Harsh. But okay.”
“Thank you. Oh, but if you do happen to meet like the love of your life or anything, then ya know. That would be an appropriate time for details.”
“Got it. No deets unless I’ve found the one. You’re super supportive, and I can’t thank you enough, sister dearest.”
“Jude! I just don’t want whiny phone calls about bad dates, that’s all I’m saying.”
“First, I don’t whine. I vent. Secondly, that’s fine, I’ll just call Liam.”
“No man. Enough. You’ve been venting about your love life since Satan. I’m tapped out.”
“You guys are assholes.”
“Sorry.”
“Are you, though?” They both just smirk at me and quietly sip their beers.
“You about done, so I can get home and started on this BS project?”
“Go on, I’ll make sure Nina gets home.”
“Right. Got it. Enjoy your booze and bad decisions. Love you guys!” They both groan and hide their faces. I’m like the embarrassing parent in the school drop off lane, demanding kisses and shouting my love for my child in front of all their friends. It’s amazing. I’m going to be an awesome dad someday.
An hour later I’m sitting in front of my open laptop, completing a dating profile, and answering approximately seventy-five million questions. No bigs. I got time. I aptly used ‘TheJProject’ as my user ID, clicked off the question portion (I can finish it later apparently, thank fuck) and start looking at profiles.
Oh ladies. What are you doing? What. Are. You. Doing? You can’t claim to want a serious relationship and then make your profile pic a titty shot. I mean some of them are nice titties, don’t get me wrong, but that’s a contradiction. Also, there’s no way all of you are this athletic. Sorry. It’s just not true. You do not like hiking, Sandy! Stop lying. I recognize that smirk. That’s the, ‘what I mean by outdoorsy is wine on my patio’ smirk. I get it. I like wine on my patio too, so just say that. Because we do not care if you hike or not.
I continue scrolling through until suddenly, oooh, well, well, well. Lookee here folks. A normal girl! And she’s written a grammatically correct profile. Commas. In. Place. Words spelled correctly. Oh, hell. She’s funny. I love funny. I bet she watches The Office. The profile pic isn’t that clear, but her hair looks cute—blondish. Profile says she’s short, and curvy. Mmmkay, what else…girl, what else you got? That’s when I look at how she answered the following question: What are you looking for?
“I have no clue what I’m looking for in a relationship, if I did, I probably wouldn’t still be single. All I know is what I don’t want, based off prior history. Baggage, and all that. If you don’t like baggage, well, then I suggest you don’t look in a mirror (because you probs have some too), or you should definitely go out and make some mistakes (because you haven’t lived yet) However, I can definitely tell you that I’m always looking for tacos. Tacos have never betrayed me.”
Who the hell designed this woman of my dreams? God, was it you? I think it was. Thank you, Lord. I love you. I’ll pray more often. But, pause. I’ll be back, I swear, just…holy…Like an addict I begin to scroll through all of her questions, reading her witty, snarky, amazingly sarcastic responses. I’m ho
oked. She’s like a good book that I cannot stop reading. I just want to know what she’s going to say next. Then suddenly I see she’s popped online and available for a chat, so I waste no time in clicking that little chat bubble button to start a new message.
TheJProject: Hi.
Genius.
Kara0717: Hi.
Shit. This is weird.
TheJProject: Right, so I’m terrible at this. Just putting that out there. I read your profile. I love the way you answered your questions. I really felt the taco bit.
Kara0717: I’m also terrible at this. No judgment. And, mmmm tacos.
I bust out laughing at her response before my fingers begin to type out my next message.
TheJProject: So, this online dating business? Kinda the worst, right?
Kara0717: Basically. My friend Allison set up this profile for me, I mean I did all the answering of questions, and the taco bit. But the rest? Sigh. I couldn’t even figure out how to describe myself. Why has it come to this? What happened to old fashioned meeting and flirting face to face?
TheJProject: Ha. Funny. I basically said the same thing to my sister and best friend, who encouraged me to do this. In fact, that’s the story behind my user ID. My name is Jude, by the way. They were treating me and my dating life like a project.