by Karli James
Allison: OMG! His name is JUDE? Hey…Jude. Omg, are you kidding me with the sexiest name ever? Kara. What is your life? You should be holed up with him right now eating delicious fruits and imported cheeses; sipping on a fine wine and watching him watch you like he wishes you were the grape he just popped into his mouth. A burst of sweet, and tart, and juicaaay.
Kara: Where are you getting this shit? Because his name is Jude? Wait are you high? You can tell me. I won’t judge.
Allison: Girl bye. If I was high, I would probably be saying something super wise and less superficial.
Accurate.
Kara: Sigh. Let’s meet at the Wine Cellar at eight. Appies and bevvies.
Allison: Yes. Always. You really speak my love language.
Kara: I gotchu boo.
I arrive at the Wine Cellar at eight sharp. I find us a table in the back, and settle in with a glass of blended Merlot while I wait for Allison to show up. I’m honestly nervous to open up to her tonight about any of it. I’m afraid once I start talking, she’ll see my feelings on my face; what I want versus what I keep telling myself I need. This isn’t something I want to be challenged on right now. I really don’t want anyone to tell me to forgive him and snag him, I want support to just allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling and if it at some point that feeling pushes me to use his number I will.
However, this is no longer just about Jude and that little first impression meet and greet. This is about me, and how I feel about myself. I know that if I was more confident, I wouldn’t necessarily feel so out of my element and so quick to defend myself against something that was barely there—barely an insult really. Because with time, as it always happens, hindsight is twenty-twenty, and it’s so easy to see how he was careless, but he wasn’t being cruel. It’s so easy to rationally understand why he reacted the way he did, and how I let it fuel my already overly bruised heart into feeling like once again, I wasn’t enough. I don’t want to keep feeling that way, and until I deal with my own issues with my self-worth and how I perceive it, well what good would I be for him anyway? That’s not fair to either of us; to start something when I so clearly need to love myself better before I’m able to be fully invested in a relationship. No one else should be responsible for your full happiness—they should simply be the additive. The extra spice in your sauce that helps bring it all together. I need to get my sauce on. Really let it simmer and marinate and develop its own flavor before I allow it to mingle with other ingredients. Great. And now I’m hungry. I wonder if they have a good sugo here. (Sugo is Sicilian for sauce, in case you were curious) Oh. Yeah. I’m half Sicilian. I say bad words in Sicilian and often use Sicilian words and / or slang in reference to various moods or foods. Oooh, moods and foods. What a cool restaurant idea! Wait, I’m digressing. Where the fuck is Allison?
“I’m here!” Oh shit, did I say that out loud?
“Hi Al!”
“Hey girl, whatcha drinkin?” Allison picks up my glass as she slides into the booth across from me and take a rather large gulp.
“Merlot blend of some kind. I mostly just pointed and shrugged and that’s what they brought me.”
“Well you can’t go wrong with the Merlot blend. Have I mentioned how excited I am for appies, and your stories?” I roll my eyes.
“Just remember, when my story is over, it’s over.”
“How many questions do I get tonight?”
“Eight.”
“Ooooh, that’s pretty generous of you this evening, ma’am. For future, yes please always get here before me and start drinking. You’re way more malleable for my bidding.” I’m laughing and shaking my head at her when the server comes back around. We order a stupid amount of appetizers and a bottle of wine to split. Ah. I love wine and food. So, so, much. I’m taking a sip and feeling the weight of Allison’s stare as she not so patiently waits for me to begin my Jude story.
“Okay, so…he came into the bar to find me. He apologized for his behavior and explained that his comment had been a knee jerk reaction to some previous history, baggage, what have you. He also told me that he’s not stopped thinking about me, imagines what we could be together, doesn’t really want to be just friends, but that he was just trying to find a way to keep me from completely bolting from his life entirely, oh and he would like a do-over date. He asked for my phone number, which I declined to give him. He gave me his, told me to contact him should I change my mind.” Allison is studying my face and I know she wants to explode.
“Okay. So. Why aren’t you forgiving him again? He organized a bar crawl for you. He found you. He apologized. He’s sexy. What. Do.You.Need?”
“Girl, I do forgive him. I’m not even really mad anymore. It just made me realize I need to seriously work on my own issues before I jump into something. He was wrong, but so was I. I blew up, I closed up, and I ran. I can’t be like that in a relationship, and this guy is asking for a relationship. I can’t…I can’t do that right now. Not with all of these broken pieces.”
“I get that, I really do. However, this guy sounds like he thinks you and your broken pieces are worth it. You can work on yourself and still be in a relationship at the same time. You can still date while you’re learning to get your wings. He might even help you discover that they’ve always been there – they’ve just been clipped.”
“So sage. So wise. Allison Johnson folks. Knows all the things.”
“I hate you so much.” I’m laughing, she’s laughing, no one hates anyone. I do ponder what she’s saying though and I realize that although she may have a point, I’m just not ready to put myself out there to try yet. I need more time. I don’t know if Jude will still be there by the time I get my shit together, but if he’s not…then it really wasn’t meant to be.
I’m watching Allison shovel in our appetizers, and I can’t believe this girl’s waist has the circumference of a toothpick. I hate her so much. I love her so much. I hove her. We finish the wine, and talk more about life, but I try to focus more on her. A few bad dates for her, nothing new. This girl swipes right so many times, (wait is that the right direction if you’re into someone? I don’t do the swipey thing) you’d think she was tracking a package from Wayfair. Fucking Wayfair and their amazing deals. Every. Time.
Eventually we leave and I’m finding myself home alone once again, comfy pajamas on, Netflix, the usual. Only this time I’m thinking about Jude and the card he left me that’s burning a hole in a pocket I’m not even wearing right now.
What am I going to do?
Obviously, I need more to drink. I promise I don’t have a problem. I mean I do, but not with alcohol. I know that probably sounds like something an alcoholic would say, but…just forget it. I promise. It’s fine. I swear.
I get up and pour a glass of some red I had stored in my rack. See! Stored. Whatever. I relax just enough that I hope I’ll be able to slip off into sleep with little over analyzation or worry over the current state of my life. However, Jude is still there. His woodsy smell, his green eyes that adorably crinkle at the corners when he’s smiling or laughing, and his pouty lips that no man should ever have the right to have. Damn. What am I going to do?
I do have one question for him though. Just one. Maybe I should text him. No. No. I don’t need the answer. No. I’m not reaching out to him yet. I can’t. I’m not ready. Fuck all. I’m doing it. It’s the alcohol making this decision, but I do not care. I’ll care tomorrow, but for now I’m owning this poor life decision. I run back to my bedroom and find the card he left me. I stare at it for ten minutes before I enter the number into my phone. I might be hyperventilating. It’s fine. I’m fine. Just text him. What could happen?
Kara: If you hadn’t stopped thinking about me, why did you wait three weeks to come looking for me?
Shit. That sounded so bitchy. How do I go back…I can’t. Will he know I didn’t mean it in the bitchiest of bitchy ways? Probs not. EF!
TWENTY FIVE MINUTES LATER!!! Is this kid for real? Is it a joke? Did
he not sit at my bar and beg me for my number? Did he not tell me he could see what we COULD BE?! Did he no-
Ding!
Oh. Okay. He texted. Okay, Okay. I’m opening it. Shut up.
Jude: First – I’m extremely sorry about the delay, I was in the shower and throwing some wash in. Secondly. I didn’t wait three weeks.
Wait, what? Does he have a calendar? Is he bad at math? Then I see those three little dots pull up on the screen, oh good. Surely there’s an explanation.
Jude: My friends and I went to a couple different bars each weekend for the past three weekends. We weren’t able to bar hop to every single bar in one night so we had to split it up and I had sincerely hoped that I would get lucky on the first go round, but alas I did not. I guess…third time’s a charm, huh?
Guys? This…wait is he real? He did this for three weekends in a row just to find me? I realize that going out to bars and having a good time isn’t actually that hard. Except when you’re pushing thirty it kind of is. The hangovers are not the same my friends. Not the same. The stress on the wallet isn’t that fun either. I’m speechless. I’m…this means he started looking for me the weekend after our hellacious meet and greet. I’m staring at my phone for so long that I see those three little dots appear again.
Jude: I’m sorry I didn’t find you sooner.
Sigh. I can’t let this go on.
Kara: No Jude…what you did. I can’t…thank you for looking for me at all. No one has ever put that much effort out for me, ever. I’m not even sure how to respond because that’s just…it’s a little bit amazing, and honestly, I’m not quite sure that I even deserve it.
Jude: You more than deserve it, Kara. Especially after I acted like a giant tool the first time we met.
Kara: Well, there is that. I feel like I need to be honest here and apologize. Yes, you hurt me with your careless words, but also, just as you reacted because of your baggage, well, so did I. If I were a more confident girl and not still holding onto things previous men have said to me, and about me, I might not have been so quick to defend and flee. I have a lot of my own shit to work through. I don’t know if I’m ready to date. This whole thing has just made me realize how much self-work I need to do.
There’s a weighty pause before I see those dots and I’m wondering if I’ve hurt him again and I really don’t want to.
Jude: So, let’s go back to our roots.
Kara: Ummm….?
Jude: We met online right? Well now we have each other’s numbers. I’m not going anywhere Kara. I’ll talk to you however I can. I’ll keep in touch with you in whatever capacity you’re willing and able to give me right now. I meant what I said at the bar. All of it. And because I believe in this insanity that I’m feeling, I will wait.
My heart is thumping in my chest, wildly beating and bumping, and is this guy FOR REAL?
Kara: So, you…you want to have a texting relationship?
Jude: I’m fine with a textship for now. I’m more than fine with it. We can do this however you want; you set the boundaries. We talk about what you want, and when you want, and however much you want. I’ll be here.
Kara: Jude…I. Okay.
Jude: Okay?
Kara: Yes. Okay. Let’s textship, as you put it. I don’t want it to be just about me though. I want you to talk about what you want, when you want, however much you want. This isn’t just about me. I appreciate so much the effort you’re making for me, but…let’s just start over with this. Forget the meet and greet. Move on. You’ve more than proved yourself. Let’s make like cilantro and be fresh.
Jude: Make like cilantro…did you JUST come up with that?
Kara: Kindaaaaa
Jude: Fucking unreal. You’re unreal. Okay so...cool. I’m good with this. Oooh brings back some memories kinda. Nostalgic of high school and falling asleep on the phone with my girl, waking up past my alarm, being late, getting a tardy slip…
He’s so ridiculous. I missed him.
Kara: You had a girl in high school huh?
Jude: Kara, of course I did. You can’t be jealous, I didn’t even know you. That’s a lie. You can be jealous. I would totally understand because…me.
Kara: Aaaaand he’s back.
Jude: Thanks to you ;)
Kara: You’re ridiculous. But no seriously, how long did you date in high school? I’m always so fascinated by high school relationships. Maybe I should write young adult fiction so I can live out all the teen drama I never experienced.
Jude: Wait you didn’t have a high school boyfriend? Ever? All four years? And Shelly and I dated middle of Junior year to end of Senior year.
Kara: No, I really didn’t. I wasn’t really…popular in high school. I didn’t experience much. I didn’t even go to prom.
Jude: GASP! What? How could you have not…wait. I don’t want to be insensitive here, but seriously? No girlfriends to go stag and be cool with even? That’s what my sister Nina did. She had a blast.
Kara: I think I would like Nina. However, no. All my girlfriends had dates. I just…I didn’t blend with anyone. High school was a total chore for me. I didn’t like it, I didn’t like many people. I’m pretty sure I had resting bitch face long before someone coined that shit. I did not know how to be ME within those walls. I was awkward, and a little chubby, and very insecure.
Jude: You sound…adorable. I mean like you were probably way more adorable than you realized. Of course, I think that’s high school for a lot of people, even the ones that seem like they have it all.
Kara: You could be right, but no one thought I was adorable enough to ask, lol.
Jude: This is kinda hurting my heart Kar. I might need to drown these feels in more of my Chinese food.
Kara: Scoff! You have Chinese food? Bastard.
Jude: And beer.
Kara: I have wine. But I went out with Allison earlier and I ate there so I shouldn’t even be jealous of your food. But alas…I could always eat. Also, Jude…
Jude: Hmm?
Kara: This is weird. I was so nervous to text you. To find out the answer to my question, and now we’re talking about high school like nothing happened and that’s good right? It’s good. It’s freaking me out a little bit though because why is it like this with you? For me. Why is it so easy to talk about the strangest, or the hardest, or the lamest, or the simplest? How do I go from being so …whatever I was, to talking about high school and Chinese food?
Jude: Do you want the whole truth, or just a half-truth?
Kara: Umm…you decide.
Jude: I’m going to give you the half-truth then, because neither of us are ready for the whole truth.
Kara: Okay….
Jude: Don’t freak out, but, I think it’s because despite being adamantly against the idea of it, I do believe we’re…friends.
Kara: Dammit. I think you’re right.
Jude: I know. #sorrynotsorry
Kara: It’s ok. I guess…I guess we can be friends.
Jude: Woah Kara, woah. Be still my fucking heart. Please try to hold back all of that enthusiasm. You wound me. You guess? I’d make the best fucking friend. We’re going to be BFFs!
Kara: To be determined
Jude: Aaaaaand she’s back
Kara: Thanks to me ;)
Jude: Savage.
Kara: Always.
Chapter 7
Jude
When my phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number, I won’t lie that I practically, okay no, I did, I fell off of the couch in my excitement to make a grab for it off the coffee table. Rolled right the hell off, landed, and stayed planted there for a solid twenty-five minutes. Mmm, no, I absolutely was not taking a shower or throwing in a load of wash. I was hyperventilating and trying to gather my wits about me so that this woman would know without a single doubt that I absolutely did NOT wait three weeks to find her. I also had to say it in such a way that she wouldn’t think I was a total psycho freak stalker guy person.
Kara continuously surprises me and I ca
n’t keep my cool with her. To be honest I’m glad for this little step back; a tiny reprieve into textship where I can look down and touch my balls now and again to remind myself, I still fucking own them. They’re attached to my body and not rolling down the street to Kara’s house like, “Hey girl…we heard you were here, anything we can do for you? For the rest of our lives?” Because seriously? What is it about this little spitfire that has me twisted?
She is fire, and yet…so endearing, and a little heartbreaking, and all I want to do is wrap her up burrito style in a blanket, feed her chocolate and tell her Jude’s here now, life is good. Better than good. I got you. I got this. Screw everyone before me that made you feel less because you are so much more.