by Karli James
Kara: SEXTUAL?! I hate you so much. Also, I’m not. And I won’t. Change the topic Jude! Stop it. This is your fault. Ask me something and be appropriate, dammit!
Jude: Holy shit, are you on drugs?! You’re so crazy. It’s kinda hot. Okay, asking you something appropriate...hmm...do you have siblings? I’m not sure I ever asked you that before.
Kara: Not on drugs. I listened to Nancy Reagan and just said no. Anyway, yes, I have a brother—Drew. We’re two years apart, he’s older. Our parents are divorced and he’s probably my best friend to be honest, even if we don’t talk as much as I would like.
Jude: That’s awesome, but why the lack of communicato?
Kara: He’s a lawyer, very busy, very serious. He doesn’t go out much or do much besides work. Every now and then he’ll come down to the bar, but we just don’t get together or talk as much as I would like. We don’t have a bad relationship, and I would even say we’re pretty close, there’s just a lot of quiet with Drew.
Jude: Wow, a lawyer. Impressive. What kind?
Kara: Family law, divorce, custody, the whole family shebang. He’s amazing to me honestly. I could never imagine being a lawyer. He’s so incredibly smart, and so fearless in his own pursuits. He never doubts himself; he just goes for whatever it is he wants, and seems to achieve it effortlessly. He’s kind of my hero.
Jude: I bet he’s not fearless, he probably just does it anyway.
Kara: Oh, what’s this now, going all Dr. Phil on me, Jude?
Jude: Nah, I just know a bit about fear and doing shit anyway.
Kara: Yeah? Like what?
Jude: Umm, writing books is kind of hard, Kar. It’s also scary as fuuuuck because it’s so easy to wonder the whole entire time if it’s going to crash and burn. If every single feeling you have about your words, your characters, your story, all of it is going to be loved the way you love it. And if it’s rejected? Aww man, it’s like being broken up with repeatedly.
Kara: You’re right. I couldn’t imagine being brave enough to write something and publish it and gah! I don’t know how you do it.
Jude: Having a pen name helps.
Kara: Whaaaa? You have a pen name? I don’t even know what you write. Is it embarrassing, is that why you have a pen name?
Jude: It’s not embarrassing, it’s just not something I usually share right away because people have mixed opinions about it. I don’t like getting shit for something I genuinely enjoy, as well as pretty damn good at.
Kara: Umm, Jude…do you…do you write erotica?
Jude: LOL, no. Nothing that intense. I write rom-coms. Funny, happy, love. And yes, I write sex scenes. Fucking steamy shit Kar, but not outright porn. Although, I have had to give a lil tug-tug after writing out some scenes before.
He…writes ROMANCE?! I’m dying inside. That’s kind of hot. No, it’s a lot hot. And he’s not ashamed. Although, now that I’ve gotten to know him a bit better, it makes total sense. What a sappity-sap-sap.
Kara: You write rom-coms? Jude, you sly slut. I want your pen name. I wanna read your books. Also, never, ever say tug-tug again.
I see those three little dots pull up, and go away several times before I get a response.
Jude: Poppy Lawson. Prepare to want to diddle yo self. I mean, treat yo self.
Kara: Loading Kindle app now, will download all. Get back to you soon. Gotta go read.
Jude: Wait what?! You’re going to go read now?
Kara: Nervous?
Jude: Pfft. No. Yes. Kinda. Fuck you, Kara.
Kara: LOL, I’ll be back BFF!
Hours later I’m engrossed, in a Poppy Lawson rom-com that does in fact have me clenching my thighs at certain scenes, but mostly laughing and even getting a bit misty here and there. Who knew? I mean once you get to know Jude, his romantic side really isn’t that unbelievable. However, to actually read his characters and his words, and realize he put such heart and humor into his stories, it’s been a bit surreal.
I love his female lead; the way he describes her isn’t a stereotypical female character. She’s not perfect. She’s not built like a model. She’s…well hell, she’s a lot like me. Gasp! She’s feisty and curvy and a mere five feet two inches tall. She’s a badass. I love her. I wanna be her. I’m kind of her. Maybe not as badass, I’m not a mechanic (that’s right, this chick is a mechanic) but oh holy shit, he can write. I never want this to end, except I think it’s a series so I kind of want it to end so I can find out what happens with her sister, best friend, whoever is next. Dammit Jude, this textship isn’t going to suffice much longer.
I’ve read twenty chapters, and it’s quite late. I need to shoot Jude a text before I head to bed.
Kara: Jude, I’m over here dying over Lina and Sam. I love their story, and their humor, and dang Jude, your writing is even better than I anticipated. I love Lina, I wanna be Lina. Please tell me there’s a book about Rachel and Heath.
Jude: You little….do you know how late it is, Presh? It’s fucking late-thirty. And do you think I could sleep knowing you were over there reading my work? Not saying shit?! You’re a bit of an asshole. I will forgive you because of your praise, however, don’t pull this dick move again. If you’re going to read my book, I expect texts, frequent texts. Pretend you’re tweeting my ass; slide into my DMs girrrl. Tell me what’s up. AS.YOU.GO. Oh, and yes there’s a story for Rachel and Heath, who do you think I am? I’m not a monster. Like you.
Kara: Lol. Thank you for your gracious forgiveness, BFF. Also, I want signed copies. For free.
Jude: Unbelievable.
Kara: Hey Jude…
Jude: Clever.
Kara: Oh shit, lol, oopsies. But right so hey, I’m thinking…this textship…I might be ready for like, a coffee outing. We can talk about your books over fraps and muffs.
Jude: FRAPS AND MUFFS! I think you just named my next book. I am six feet under right now at muffs.
Kara: Dammit, I tried to abbreviate too hard on that one.
Jude: Accurate statement. However! Look at you lil miss let’s jump into muffs! It’s the sex scenes, right? Got you all sextual again. I don’t blame you. Anyway, I have some major re-work I need to do tomorrow on the beginning chapter of the book I’m currently writing because I hate it and I can’t stop thinking about how I hate it so much, soooo let me get through tomorrow, and then I will text you and we will make a plan.
Kara: Does that mean you’re not texting me at all tomorrow?
Jude: Oh, baby lamb, there you go being my Presh again. That’s ridiculous. Knock it off. Of course, I’m going to text you tomorrow. I just can’t see you because if I’m being honest…your lips and tits are just going to distract me and I can’t miss this deadline.
Kara: Is it wrong for me to be sort of flattered and outraged at the same time?
Jude: No, I get it. I mean sorry? But…not. Ya know? Because lips and tits.
Kara: You’re a piece of work.
Jude: Indeed.
Kara: Sigh. Goodnight, Jude.
Jude: Goodnight, Boopsies.
Oh my gosh. Boopsies! Who is this guy? I cannot with him! I’m going to bed. I swear I am. Just one more chapter. I have to find out how Lina reacts when she sees Sam’s ex at his door. What? I have to know guys. What the...that bitch. She just better go on home. Go home, Sarah! He didn’t pick you, you wench. You’re going to…oh shit. See. Lina saw her lean in, now she ran, of course she ran. Way to go Jude, way to bring up the angst right before I’m supposed to go to bed. Now I can’t go to sleep without knowing it all works out. Fine, I’ll just...fuck it, I’m finishing this book tonight. I’ll hate myself and my dead ass eyeballs tomorrow, but right now…no. I’m going to need Sam to man up and make this right.
Chapter 9
Jude
The morning sun is glaring at me like one of Liam’s weekend girls when he doesn’t remember their name. Hot. Bitchy. Demanding.
No, sun. Screw you. I don’t want to rise and fucking shine. I don’t want to write another eight thousand
words today. I don’t want to do anything but talk to Kara. At that thought my phone rings. Speaking of Liam…
“Lo?”
“Dude, where the damn hell have you been?”
“Hello to you too Liam. Why the hell are you calling me so early?”
“Bro it’s like…eleven thirty. I’m going to need you to explain some shit to me right quick.”
“I haven’t had coffee yet.”
“Okay, so explain that. Where the hell have you been? I haven’t talked to you since the last night of the bar crawl and you finally reconnected with Stir Mix-A-Lot Mary.”
“Why is everyone calling her that?! Her name is Kara. Please, take a note.”
“Right, okay. Who is everyone? What are you even talking about?” Seriously? I roll my eyes. He and Nina are the same oblivious person set out to murder my sanity.
“What’s up Liam? I’ve been holed up here writing, and trying to win the girl back. How’s life? How’s…Paige.”
“Fucking Paige.”
“I knew it.” I chuckle at how obvious this dumbass is.
“You knew what?”
“I knew you didn’t call me to wonder where the hell I’ve been. You need to bitch about Paige. So, go for it. Rage. Paige Rage. Tell me alllll about it. I promise to only impart the following: One smirk, a snort, and an I told you so muthafuckah.”
“Oh, fuck you.” I wait. Silence. Two long beats. Take a sip-sip of my delicious coffee. Yawn.
“Okay fine. Yes. I need to bitch. What the hell am I doing here man? Why do I keep getting trapped into this cycle with her? Why do I keep going back? And don’t say it’s her legs. I know, I get it. I understand those legs. But they aren’t worth it anymore, Jude. Those fucking long ass legs are not worth it.”
“I know they’re not. I’ve told you this before. What’s going on now? What is she pissed at?”
“It actually has to do with your bar crawl, and Nina.”
“Say what, now?”
“She didn’t like Nina talking to me, joking with me, basically being anywhere near me that night. When we got home, she ripped into me about how I was too friggen close to Nina to be just friends. Can you believe this shit?” I mean…sort of?
“Well, you guys have grown up around each other and share a type of relationship that other women have a hard time understanding. Did you explain that she’s like your little sister?” I’m waiting. I can hear the choking sounds on the other end. When they finally get their shit together, it’s going to be an amazing show. I need to invest in popcorn.
“Umm. Not exactly, I mean…look, Jude…Nina is not my sister. I mean yes…umm, yes we’ve grown up together, but like, I don’t…I can’t…man I can’t look at her like that.” I intentionally make a “hmm” sound, as if I’m contemplating new information.
“Oh man, you can’t? Did something happen? You guys were always so close.” He waits a minute, and I’m trying not to laugh. I’m a bit of a dick.
“Jude, we are still close, I just…she’s not my sister.”
“Right, but haven’t you always reminded her of that? Told her that’s how you feel about her?”
“What? I don’t know, maybe? Yes? Fuck you man she grew tits and I’m NOT fucking related to her, and I hate you.” Aaaaand there we have it folks. Even though I’ve moved the phone away from my mouth, he can hear me laughing. He continues to cuss me out until I gain some control.
“I’m sorry man. I’m sorry. Okay, let’s back up a minute. First, I love you and Neens. Never mention her tits again by the way. However, I’m not surprised by Paige’s feelings, and while I do find her to be a repulsive canker sore on your existence, I also think she’s not totally crazy for having some mixed-up feelings about the way you and Nina interact. I mean…I love you both, and I want you to be happy, and you have my blessing.”
“Your…blessing? What in the ever-living hell are you talking about man? What do I do about Paige? Obviously, I’m friends with Nina, I’m not going to just ditch her. How do I get rid of Paige?”
“You’re a dumbass. I can’t wait to watch this shit go down some day. Also, do it like you always do. ‘Umm, Paige…it’s been real fun and all letting you drag me around by the balls, but I’d like them back, and in working order for when I procreate with someone NOT fucking you.’”
“Dude, how do you write romance? You’re such a douche.”
“An accurate douche though.”
“Truth.”
“So, are you going to end it with her?”
“I guess? Yeah. I mean, fuck.”
“You’re so screwed.”
“Yeah. Whatever man. How’s things with Kara?”
“Good. Slow, but good. We’re meeting for coffee sometime soon, but today I must focus on the book. Deadlines.”
“Get that shit done then man, can’t wait to read.” I can hear the smirk in his voice.
“You’re a dick. Maybe if you ever once considered reading something I wrote, you would learn something. I write awesome book boyfriends. Take. A. Note.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re clueless bro. Love you though.”
“Oh man, don’t start. I’m out. Love you too.” Click.
Sigh. Why are there so many emotionally stunted adults in my life?
I head over to my computer and boot it up, crack my knuckles and get to work. Words are flowing, characters are shaping up, everything is working, click, click, click. A few hours pass and I realize I need to eat, take a piss, check my phone. Check. My. Phone. There’s a text from Kara from twenty minutes ago.
Kara: “I know you’re writing, probably knuckles deep…(that’s what she said), but I just had to tell you that I loved Lina and Sam and THANK God you put that wench Sarah in her place. Although, in the end I almost felt badly for her. Like I could have liked her if she wasn’t such a pot stirrer.” I’m grinning, because…exactly.
Jude: Glad to know because I’m working on Sarah’s story right now.
Kara: Whaaaa?
Jude: Yeah, Rachel and Heath are next and Sarah has a redeeming storyline. She’s my comeback kid, if you will. She goes from villain to underdog, and you’ll want to know how a girl like that truly finds love.
Kara: You’re a romantic genius!
Jude: I know.
Kara: Stop it.
Jude: Too far? Probs. So…coffee tomorrow? I imagine you have to work, so how does eleven sound?
Kara: I can do that. Where though?
Jude: Ruth’s?
Kara: Oh, I love that place! Yes!
Jude: Awesome. I was worried when you said fraps, because…ew, I’m not a fan of commercial cafes, but I’m sure Ruth has some delicious muffs.
Kara: I hate you.
Jude: No. You absolutely do not hate me. I’ll prove it tomorrow. I have to get back to writing. Sarah is about to lose her shit on someone.
Kara: Gah! Can I get an advanced copy?
Jude: If you’re a good girl.
Kara: And what if I’m not?
Jude: Well, as long as you’re good at being naughty you still win.
Kara: Can’t wait for that copy then. ;)
Aaaand my dick is hard. Seriously, how does she do this to me? It’s turning me on that she’s that into my writing. I’ve never shared my pen name with a love interest before. Well, I did with Satan, but she didn’t even read anything after I told her. Kara though? This girl is eating up my words like an ice cream cone on a hot summer day. Lickety, lick, lick. Great. Now I’m picturing her licking ice cream and my dick is suffocating inside my jeans. Get a grip, Jude.
I hate myself so much right now. But, good news! I get to see her freaken face tomrorow! Her face, guys! Her shining hair, her golden-hazel eyes, her FRECKLES, her dimple, her pouty lips. I want to sink my teeth into her bottom lip and tug. I want to…No! No. Fuck, I have to go deal with Sarah.
Chapter 10
Kara
It’s the morning of the coffee date. I
have butterflies in my stomach. Or a heard of elephants. Same thing. Stomping around on my guts, and making me so nervous you’d think I was a whore in church. I’m so excited to see Jude, but quite nervous. All the nerves. Floating around and wreaking havoc on my system. I don’t want it to be weird or awkward in person, but this is me, so probably will definitely be both weird and awkward. Self. Five.