‘You’re welcome,’ he replies. ‘But don’t thank me yet, I want to hear all about your TV fail and I can’t promise I won’t find it funny.’
I see ‘gay besties’ in movies and TV shows all the time. They usually come in the form of a camp, bitchy gossip of a man – someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind or say outrageous things. The on-screen stereotype isn’t really accurate though, is it? Eli might not be the kind of man who will bitch about boys with me over a bottle of rosé, but it’s good to have someone to chat with who knows me.
It will be nice, having him over for dinner with my parents like old times, but if Eli didn’t send those bloody flowers, then who the hell did?!
8
‘So lovely to have you here, Eli,’ my mum stresses for, oh, I don’t know, the billionth time.
‘It’s lovely to be here, Evie,’ he replies. ‘Your cooking never fails to impress.’
I look down at my lasagne. It is really nice, but my mum isn’t going to be winning MasterChef anytime soon. Eli has just always had this amazing way with my parents – he’s always had the gift of the gab. Of course, the effect he has on my mum has been amplified now that he isn’t an average-bodied young man any more, now he’s all grown up and, like, Love Island levels of buff. My mum is a big fan of the new look – there was a really uncomfortable four minutes when we arrived where she just brazenly felt his biceps. I mean, I don’t blame her, they’re a sight to behold, but still…
‘Would you like some more?’ my mum asks him from the edge of her seat, ready to get Eli whatever he wants.
‘Oh, I’d better not,’ he says politely. ‘I’m watching my weight.’
‘I’ll certainly watch your figure,’ my mum says. ‘If Rosie doesn’t want to.’
I break out my confused face.
‘Mum, we’re just friends.’
‘I know, I know… but you did make a gorgeous couple.’
‘Mum, Eli is gay,’ I tell her plainly, hoping she’ll get the message and let it go. I feel like she’s trying to push us back together.
She raises her eyebrows at me. My dad doesn’t even look up from his dinner.
‘Well, we know that,’ she says.
‘You do?’ Eli chimes in.
‘We’ve always known dear, haven’t we, Tim?’
My dad nods casually.
‘Erm, how?’ I ask in disbelief.
‘You’ve always been so clean,’ my mum tells Eli. ‘So clean and neat and tidy. Straight men are never so clean.’
‘Hang on a minute,’ my dad says.
‘Tim,’ my mum claps back. ‘You leave little lines of white powder wherever you go.’
‘Don’t ask,’ I whisper to Eli. ‘Wow, I really wish someone had told me,’ I say pointlessly.
‘Me too,’ Eli laughs.
‘Speaking of your exes,’ my mum starts. ‘I saw lovely Kevin this afternoon, he said he’d been for coffee with you.’
‘Yep,’ I reply, hoping we can leave it at that.
‘So, come on,’ Eli prompts. ‘Why are you visiting all your ex-boyfriends?’
‘What?’ I reply, feigning a blatantly exaggerated level of shock. ‘I’m not, it’s just…’
‘Two down, two to go?’ my mum says. ‘That we know of, anyway.’
Christ, how depressing, that my mum knows every inch of my mediocre love life like the back of her hand.
‘Well, OK, I wasn’t purposefully visiting my exes… but, after I was on TV, I got these flowers from someone – obviously an ex – saying that they wanted me back. I have been wondering who they were from…’
‘My money is on Sexy Simon,’ my mum says. ‘He was always flashy like that.’
‘Sexy Simon,’ Eli echoes. ‘Not historically a sexy name. Who are some famous Simons?’
‘Cowell, Pegg,’ my dad chimes off from the top of his head.
‘Ooh, Gregson. Simon Gregson from Corrie,’ my mum adds.
‘Right, so not your classically sexy guys,’ Eli reiterates.
‘Will you take Paul Simon?’ my dad asks him.
‘In neither sense,’ he insists. ‘Not technically a Simon, nor all that sexy.’
‘Well, this Simon was sexy,’ I insist, nipping their weird game in the bud. ‘I suppose he could have sent them… but Josh was always quite romantic too…’
‘Josh,’ Eli says, almost excitedly. ‘Josh is a sexy name. Lots of sexy men called Josh. Josh Jackson, Josh Holloway, Josh Hartnett.’
‘Josh Groben,’ my mum says. Such a mum pick.
‘Josh Brolin,’ my dad adds.
‘I can’t believe I’m playing “Name Sexy Joshes” over lasagne with my mum, dad and gay ex-boyfriend,’ I laugh in disbelief. ‘I also can’t believe no one has mentioned Josh Charles from The Good Wife.’
‘Objection,’ Eli bellows, banging his hand on the table. ‘Oh, I agree – just in case my objection was confusing – I just love that show.’
‘Anyway,’ I start, getting us back on track. ‘I don’t know where either of them are or what they’re doing – I lost touch with them years ago – in fact, we never stayed in touch.’
‘Well, Sexy Simon is still a photographer,’ Mum says.
I snap my attention back to my mum. ‘Wait, how do you know what he’s doing these days?’
‘I’m still friends with his mum on Facebook,’ she says matter-of-factly.
‘You never even met his mum,’ I point out, so amazed by the concept my voice is about three times higher than usual.
My mum bats this away with her hand. ‘He’s a photographer for a fancy magazine – he lives in New York,’ she tells me.
‘Oh,’ I say, immediately dismissing him as the phantom flower sender.
‘But you did go viral worldwide,’ Eli reminds me. He confessed to searching the internet for videos, comments and even memes while he was getting changed.
‘Yeah, OK, well I’ll just nip over to New York and see him,’ I say sarcastically. ‘And, wherever Josh is, I’ll bob there on the way home, make an around-the-world trip of it.’
When Josh broke up with me, it was so that he could travel. He was signing with an agency who provided singers for events, and Josh wanted more than anything to be a professional singer. He didn’t think he could realise his dream in Manchester and this seemed like too good an opportunity to turn down so… bye bye, girlfriend. Of course, when he said he was planning on going off to do a summer at a resort in Australia, I knew that things were coming to an end for us. No way would I be able to maintain a long-distance relationship like that – especially not with all the issues I was left with after dating Simon. When Josh broke up with me I wasn’t at all surprised, I knew it had to happen… I was still gutted though, I really thought we had a good thing.
‘I know where Josh is too,’ my mum says between mouthfuls of her dinner. She says it so casually – like, of course she knows where he is.
‘Oh?’ I say. ‘Dare I ask how?’
‘I have his mum on Facebook too,’ she replies.
‘Of course you do,’ I say with a laugh. At least she met Josh’s mum a few times while we were together. ‘Go on then, which country is he working in?’
‘None of them, I suppose,’ she replies. Again, this is said in such a casual manner, for something that makes so little sense.
‘Is he dead?’ Eli asks, his fork hovering in front of his face. My mum’s comment has seemingly frozen him in time.
‘What? No, don’t be silly,’ she says.
‘Because him not being in any country isn’t silly,’ I point out.
‘He works on a cruise ship,’ she says, as if we’re stupid for not figuring that out.
‘Ohhh,’ I say. Wow, I definitely thought he’d be working in the music industry by now, given how he, you know, bailed on our relationship to follow his dream. I feel almost annoyed that he hasn’t. Our break-up had to be for something. Perhaps he just wanted rid of me… I feel like everyone just wants rid of me. Now, more than ever, I
really want to talk to them both and just try and find out what was so wrong with me. I’ll never be able to move forward, if I can’t figure out what it is about me that’s just so unlovable.
‘Imagine working on a cruise ship,’ Eli says, nudging me with his elbow. ‘Must be awful.’
I smile at him. I appreciate him trying to cheer me up, I was slipping into a moody mindset then.
‘Oh, no, it sounds like a fabulous ship,’ my mum informs us. ‘His mum has just got back, she sent me and your dad a voucher code to get a discount on the suites they offer. It’s very sophisticated and exclusive. Silverline Cruises. Ultra five-star. We’d love to go.’
‘You should go,’ Eli tells them. ‘Treat yourselves.’
‘I do fancy the trip,’ my dad chimes in. ‘I’ve never been to New York.’
‘It goes to New York?’ Eli asks in disbelief.
‘Yes,’ my mum confirms. ‘Liverpool to New York.’
‘Rosie, come on, do you think this is a coincidence?’ Eli asks me.
‘What?’
Is he seriously suggesting I travel halfway around the world to chase down two ex-boyfriends?
‘You’re trying to track down your exes, and now, one you want to see is in New York and the other is literally your way there…’
‘I know, it’s a big coincidence, but I can’t just go to New York—’
‘Why not? You said yourself, you’ve got time off work, a big fat lump of prize money burning a hole in your pocket… I’d definitely be up for a vacation. Perks of being your own boss.’
I laugh his comments off.
‘Rosie, I’m serious,’ he says. ‘Let’s take this cruise to New York.’
‘We can’t just… Can we?’
‘Sounds like a great idea to me,’ my dad says. It’s not like him to offer advice, especially not on my love life. ‘And we’ve got the discount code, you can use that…’
I smile at Eli. I can’t believe I’m considering this. ‘You’d really go with me?’
‘Of course,’ he says. ‘What are friends for? We can hang out, catch up, I can interfere with your life. Plus, I fancy a holiday.’
‘Will the voucher work for two suites?’ I ask my dad.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘Doesn’t say it can only be used for one.’
‘Will you book it for us please?’ I ask.
‘I’ll do it right now,’ he says excitedly.
Wow, my dad is really into this. I can’t believe he’s humouring my quarter-midlife crisis.
I fetch my handbag and take out my card.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ I say as I hand it to him.
He hurries off to book the next available trip.
‘I’ll send you the money for my half,’ Eli says. ‘I’m really looking forward to it, it’s been so long since I had a break.’
‘I don’t remember the last time I went on holiday,’ I point out. ‘Gosh, I’ll need to go shopping.’
‘I’ll take you,’ Eli says. ‘We can have a day out in Manchester, have lunch, shop… maybe I can give you a little unsolicited image consulting when it comes to dressing.’
I look down at my T-shirt dress.
‘What’s wrong with how I dress?’ I ask, just a little offended.
‘Oh, nothing. It’s the perfect outfit for smuggling snacks into the cinema,’ he replies.
I gasp. ‘Eli!’
‘Rosie!’ he responds in a similar tone. ‘That dress is a shapeless, baggy sack – it’s not even your size.’
‘It’s oversized,’ I reply. ‘Purposefully oversized.’
‘Yes, I’ve noticed,’ he says. ‘The oversized coat I liked, but you can’t wear it with oversized clothes. Christ, Rosie, you’ll look like Kanye West in that “I Love It” music video if you keep this up. We need to get you in some outfits that show off your curves – I’ve seen you naked, remember, I know what’s going on under there.’
I look at my mum, partially out of embarrassment but also for support. I know she’s not going to let a man talk to her daughter like that.
‘He’s got a point, Rosie,’ she says.
My eyes widen with horror. ‘Thanks, guys.’
Maybe Eli is right though, perhaps my look is a problem. I’ve never been all that good at flaunting my body, I feel so self-conscious about so many things. There are the stretchmarks on my boobs that appeared seemingly overnight when I was a teenager – both the stretchmarks and the boobs appeared all at once. I don’t suppose one would’ve happened without the other. Eli might say I should flaunt my curves, but some of them are a little… overdeveloped, shall we say. There’s a reason I’m wearing this baggy dress, it’s hiding my tummy. After taking down this large plate of lasagne, the last thing I want to be doing is shopping for bodycon dresses tomorrow. I’m also much paler than I ought to be – everyone seems to have such a great tan, but I never go on holiday, I’m too scared to use sunbeds and, as for fake tan, let’s just say there was an incident that involved leaving an unfortunate stain on a friend’s cream sofa that I’m never going to live down. All of the above, coupled with my inability to keep a boyfriend, have left me feeling a little subpar. Why wouldn’t I hide away?
‘All booked,’ my dad says. ‘Few details that need sorting out, but, in four days’ time, the Silverline Cruise will be departing Liverpool. Seven days at sea, a few days in New York, return flight home – first-class, no less. You’re lucky, you got the last two suites.’
‘So soon? That’s great,’ I say. ‘We need to get our things ready, figure out the best way to get to Liverpool.’
‘We’ll drive,’ my dad says.
Wow, I don’t remember the last time I heard him say so many words about something other than Brexit or fly-fishing. It’s all working out so well. And I’m actually really excited to take the trip now – catch-ups with ex-boyfriends aside – it sounds like it’s going to be amazing.
I just need to get everything ready. Thanks to my prize money, I can buy all new stuff too – I don’t need to worry about anything. Well, expect maybe tracking down Simon in New York, and facing Josh on the ship, but I’ll cross that ocean when I come to it…
9
After a whirlwind few of days of shopping and packing for my cruise, I think I finally have everything I might need. I have various outfits, for various activities. Apparently there are lots of different things going on, on the ship, and supposedly dinner is quite a formal occasion. I think I have something for every eventuality.
After an especially awkward yet empowering conversation in Victoria’s Secret, I managed to let Eli talk me into buying bikinis – only bikinis – so if I plan on swimming in the pool on board, I’m going to need to make peace with this ASAP.
‘Your boyfriend can pop in and have a look if you like,’ the fitting-room attendant said after earwigging our conversation.
People assuming Eli was my boyfriend became a common theme of the day – and the woman in the restaurant where we had lunch didn’t just think we were together, she clearly thought I was punching above my weight. That’s fair though, Eli is a solid 10/10 now. I can probably scrape a 6 with the right Instagram filter.
As well as bikinis, I have all the toiletries I’ll possibly need, warm clothes in case it’s chilly in New York, cool clothes in case their spring is better than ours, and I’ve even bought myself a couple of books and some new headphones so that I can have some chill time.
It’s fair to say that I’ve been in my own little world since booking my holiday, and when I haven’t been in my world, I’ve been in Eli’s. I’ve been staying in his massive spare room, which is much better than sleeping on the sofa bed in my parents’ office, so I haven’t seen all that much of them. That is until today, when they picked us up from Eli’s flat to drive us to Liverpool.
Yep, everything was going suspiciously well until just now.
‘I hope I don’t get seasick,’ my mum says. ‘Had a bout of it once on a boat on Loch Lomond. Terrible time. I had to throw up over the
side of the boat.’
‘You don’t get seasick,’ my dad insists. ‘It was that deep-fried Mars Bar dessert you had in the hotel restaurant.’
Eli shudders at the thought, but, rather than weigh up the pros and cons of such a dessert (I love any and all chocolate, but that has to be a step too far?), I’m wondering why my mum thinks a trip to the dock car park is going to make her seasick.
I glance behind me, into the large boot of my parents’ car. Mine and Eli’s suitcases are there, but there are two other suitcases too…
‘Does it sound like my mum and dad are coming with us?’ I whisper to Eli while my mum and dad reminisce about their trip to Loch Lomond.
‘What?’ he whispers back. ‘I don’t think so?’
‘Their cases are in the back.’
Eli looks behind us and then looks at me. ‘Yeah, they’re coming with us. I guess… did your dad think you were inviting them?’
I shrug my shoulders.
‘So, this cruise is going to be great,’ I say.
‘Sure is,’ my dad replies, not really confirming whether or not they’re coming with us or going somewhere else.
I cast my mind back to when I asked my dad to book the cruise for us… did he think ‘us’ included them? It’s not that I don’t want them around, I just had no idea they were coming with me!
‘It’s years since we’ve been on a family holiday,’ I muse.
‘Long overdue,’ he replies.
I shrug my shoulders at Eli. He just laughs.
It’s hardly your classic family holiday, stalking your ex-boyfriends with your parents and your new gay best friend. I’m sure it will be fine though – it’ll be nice to spend some time with them and I’m sure they’ll be doing their own thing.
When we get to the dock and park up, it turns out we’re a touch on the late side – that or everyone else was super early. This means that we hop on to the tail end of the queue and breeze through the process of: checking in, having our photos taken to go on the system, being given our own cruise-ship ID cards.
My dad takes the lead, checking us in. I suppose it’s nice to have a real adult around for the boring stuff like that.
My Great Ex-Scape Page 5