I smile at him. My boy Eli always has my back. Always.
‘Wait, you got back in touch after this?’ Amanda asks. ‘This was less than a month ago and now you’re on holiday together. Didn’t you say you were exes? And aren’t you and Josh exes? Oh my God, is that why you’re here, for Josh?’
‘No,’ I insist a little too quickly. ‘Of course not.’
‘My girl has had fellas way hotter than this one – no offence, buddy,’ Eli tells Josh. ‘We are on our way to New York to see Sexy Simon. He took one look at that hot mess on your phone and he just knew he needed her back, so he sent her a gorgeous bunch of flowers begging her to give him another chance.’
‘Simon cheated on you,’ Josh blurts. ‘He cheated on you and then he dumped you in the most cruel, spiteful way I could even imagine – if I could even imagine something so horrible, I can’t believe he came up with it.’
‘Did he?’ Eli asks me quietly.
‘Everything that happened there, I deserved, OK?’ I say before turning to Eli and whispering: ‘I’ll tell you later.’
‘Wait, so… you get a bunch of flowers and now you’re just going to New York to get back with your ex, with one of your exes in tow, on a ship where your other ex works, after another one dumped you on live TV?’
God, it sounds awful when she puts it like that. The thing is, it’s not that bad. I am not going to New York to get back with Simon, no questions asked, like how would that even work, with him living across the Atlantic Ocean from me? I am just taking some time to enjoy a break from work, reconnecting with my exes and then just going to find Simon and see what happens. I really do feel like we need to have a chat and clear the air – at the least – because I’ve done a lot of soul-searching since what went on. I’ll bet he has too.
Then again, what if it is fate bringing us back together? If I have the time and the resources, and the sense of spontaneity and courage to just go for it and see what happens, then why they hell not, right? As you get older, and deeper and deeper into adult life, it gets harder to do wild things like this. Amanda is probably just jealous because she spends her life at sea, singing Adele songs night after night, unable to forge a real life for herself because she lives in a cabin on a ship full of pensioners. She can’t pop to Primark to spend £40 on twenty-five random items, or nip to The Alchemist for a few cheeky midday cocktails. If she’s bloated or has cramps and doesn’t feel like slipping into a tight sparkly dress and would much rather spend the evening cuddled up on the sofa with a hot-water bottle, she can’t because, guess what, she’s Adele. The show must go on. All of that or just the fact that she’s a bitch, and a bit of a bully, given how much she’s enjoying everything that is happening right now.
‘I can’t believe you would go back to him,’ Josh says. ‘After everything you went through – after everything we went through.’
‘Christ, you all need to calm down,’ I insist. ‘You’re all so serious, I think you’ve been at sea too long. You need a little time on dry land to get your heads straight. Of course I’m not just going to New York to try and get my ex back. Spoiler alert, for anyone who hasn’t seen the video, I won a shit-ton of money. I’m on the holiday of a lifetime with it. A nice cruise, a week in New York – I have my new best friend with me. I’m doing OK. And anyway, I have a date tonight, so I can’t come to your little party, sorry.’
‘You have a date?’ Josh asks.
‘A date with someone on this ship?’ Amanda continues. ‘What’s his name?’
‘His name is Clive,’ I tell them.
They both laugh.
‘Clive doesn’t sound real,’ Amanda insists.
‘Believe me, I thought the same when I met him,’ Eli chimes in. ‘But he’s real all right. Real and… dating my friend.’
‘Clive is pretty much the most eligible bachelor on this ship,’ I say. ‘And the youngest. And he’s a lot of fun. And I’m going for a drink with him tonight because I am casual and I have fun and I’m not on a mission to stalk all my exes, OK?’
‘OK, sure, well, if he’s so real, you can bring him to our party, can’t you?’ Amanda says with a smirk. She thinks I’m bluffing.
I mean, I am bluffing, but how dare she not just believe me, right?
‘OK, sure, I’ll ask him,’ I say. ‘But I'm certain he doesn’t want to hang out with a bunch of kids.’
‘We’re mostly your age,’ Josh reminds me.
‘Fine, I’ll bring him,’ I say.
‘Fine,’ Josh replies. ‘Can’t wait to meet him.
‘Fine,’ I say again.
God, this is going great, isn’t it?
‘Well, I think I’m going to take my breakfast back to my room,’ I say. ‘I’ll see you all later.’
I’m only at the other side of the room when Eli catches up with me.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘I had no idea she was going to do that. I just thought it would be good for you to have breakfast with Josh, to nip the weirdness from last night in the bud.’
‘How did that work out?’ I ask sarcastically, but I’m smiling soon enough. I can’t stay mad at Eli; his intentions are always good.
‘OK, point taken,’ he says. ‘You know she has a huge crush on Josh, right? Unrequited though, that’s what André tells me.’
I just shrug my shoulders.
‘Are you really going back to eat in your room alone? Shall I come with you?’
‘That’s OK, go and sit with André, have fun. I’m not going to my room, I’m going to find Clive, see if he’ll have a drink with me later.’
‘Are you actually going to bring him to the party?’ Eli asks in disbelief. ‘Do you really think that’s going to make you look good? Like, he’s an OK bloke, but he’s quite weird, and he’s really old… it’s going to make you look like a gold-digger or something.’
‘No it’s not,’ I insist. ‘It’s just two friends having a drink, and that will be clear from our body language. You think I’m going to drape myself across his lap, laughing at his jokes and pouring champagne into his mouth?’
‘That was quite a vivid description, so yes,’ he replies. ‘One hundred per cent.’
I send Eli back to his man before heading off to find mine. Well, I can’t turn up alone now, can I? That would be so embarrassing. Plus, my mum really wants me to grab a drink with the guy, so why not? I’m sure he has no expectations and obviously neither do I.
I just need to do my best to get through the next couple of days and then I’ll be in New York where I can have fun with Eli and my parents, go sightseeing, visit all the places I’ve seen in my favourite TV shows and movies, and, of course, catch up with Simon. Now, more than ever, I am looking forward to seeing him, making peace with him and seeing if this whole ordeal has been worth it.
25
‘My word, that is a tight dress,’ Clive points out as I lean over our table to pour him another glass of champagne.
‘Thanks,’ I say. I don’t think it was a compliment. Little does Clive know that this dress was not actually that tight when I tried it on in the shop fitting room when Eli and I went shopping for holiday clothes, but I have eaten so much over the last few days that my tummy has bloated right up. Sadly this was the only dress I haven’t worn yet and I figured it was better to just hold my tummy in all night, or at least until I drink enough to care less about my body hang-ups, than to wear a dress for the second time. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone wear the same outfit twice yet.
I was fortunate enough (if that’s what you’d call it) to find Clive playing shuffleboard earlier, which is where my mum and dad were too. I invited him to the party and he bit my hand off, but when I went to tell my mum what I had done, she seemed almost annoyed at me.
‘But… you were trying to set up us,’ I said.
‘No, I was trying to give you perspective,’ she replied. ‘To show you what would happen if you didn’t get a move on and sort your love life out. This would be your future. Sitting at a cruise table
full of old, divorced singles, the leftovers that no one wants any more. I just wanted you to see that sometimes you need to jump on a ship and travel around the world to find love, if you want it enough, but sometimes it is right underneath your nose, wherever your nose may be at that particular time…’
I stopped her there. Well, I still didn’t want to turn up to the party alone, and I couldn’t exactly bail on poor Clive now, so soon after inviting him, could I? Tomorrow is our last full day at sea and we arrive in New York the following morning, so there is hardly time to reschedule, and even though I am absolutely not on an actual date with Clive, and I did make it subtly clear that this was just a friendly drink, I know what it feels like to have someone raise your hopes and then bail on you. I invited him to a party, so I have brought him to a party.
It did inspire me to do something else though. I might have deactivated all of my social media accounts, but I still have my email account, so I looked up Simon’s photography page and sent him an email saying I would be in New York in a couple of days and would he like to catch up. I was surprised when I got an almost instant response from his personal email address, saying that he would absolutely love to make dinner for me. We made a plan to meet up on my first night there – he seemed so keen. I think the reason I changed my mind about surprising him was because I was scared, but now that I’ve seen this eager reply from him, I feel much more relaxed, and so so excited.
I top up my glass. I’m starting to feel as close to drunk as I will usually allow myself to be, but I’m going to carry on drinking anyway. Well, I’m on holiday and I’m in a bad mood, if I don’t drink now, then when, huh?
Clive has actually scrubbed up really well. You can tell he takes his cruising seriously, so all of his outfits are completely appropriate. The only downside to inviting Clive was the fact that he turned up with Colin, Linda and Karen. Thankfully he never got chance to invite my parents.
Karen keeps shooting me daggers. I’m not sure if perhaps Clive was the one she had her eye on and she sees me as competition. I keep trying to think of a way to subtly let her know, without announcing that I have no romantic intentions with Clive because that might hurt his feelings or embarrass him, but I’m far too distracted.
The daggers that Karen is shooting me are ricocheting off me, in the direction of Amanda. She is dancing with Josh – in a very familiar way, if you ask me, and the only thing annoying me more than the fact that she is dancing with my ex-boyfriend in front of me is the embarrassing and confusing fact that it is making me jealous.
‘It’s a bit loud, isn’t it?’ I hear Linda say, her voice raised a little more than is necessary for the volume of the music. It is a bit loud, but not massively so. I am mostly talking in my regular voice and no one is having any trouble hearing me – that or I’m so drunk that I am doing that thing drunk people do where they raise their voice without realising.
‘What?’ Colin shouts back, pretending to be deaf. ‘I’m joking, I’m joking. It is too loud though.’
‘Why don’t we all go to Neptune’s?’ Linda suggests.
‘Aww, but my friends are here,’ I say.
‘Well, we’re going,’ Karen says. ‘You coming, Colin?’
‘Yes, this isn’t my scene,’ he says.
‘OK, fine, be like that,’ I say. I can feel my words starting to catch in my teeth a little. ‘I am going to go and dance. You coming, Clive?’
I stand up from my chair and begin dancing on the spot. I’m not usually one for dancing and, lord knows, I’m not very good at it, but all of the booze has made me feel brave.
Clive stands up, walks over to me and kisses me on the cheek.
‘Sorry,’ he tells me quietly. ‘You’re just a little too wild for me.’
And with that he leaves with the rest of his friends, leaving me alone.
‘Fine,’ I say to myself. ‘Who needs you?’
I glance around the room for Eli. He’s over by the bar, semi-dancing with André. I knock back the remains of my champagne and head over to them.
‘Hey, fellas,’ I sing. ‘How’s it going?’
‘Rosie,’ Eli booms. ‘Are we pleased to see you?!’
Eli leans over the bar and orders some shots.
‘Let’s get drunk and weird and see what happens,’ he says.
André laughs. I’m sure he knows what Eli’s strange sense of humour is like by now, otherwise he’d be long gone.
‘Aww, no, has your date gone?’ Amanda asks me.
Christ, where did she come from? Josh is standing next to her. The pair of them appear to be thick as thieves and it’s really boiling my alcohol-laced blood.
‘Worn him out,’ I say. ‘Now it’s time to get weird with my bestie.’
I snatch up a shot from the bar and knock it back.
‘I got cocktails too,’ Eli says.
‘Sweet,’ I say, picking up the large cocktail glass and sipping from it. As I do so, I notice the barman hand Eli three straws.
‘It’s a sharing cocktail,’ Eli tells me with a laugh.
‘Maybe for you, bitch,’ I tease. ‘This is a Rosie-sized cocktail, as far as I’m concerned.’
‘You might want to take it easy, Rosie,’ Josh chimes in. ‘You know…’
‘What, you don’t think I can handle my drink?’ I ask accusingly. ‘Oh, I can handle my drink. You don’t know me any more, bud.’
It’s so weird, the words are coming out of me, but it’s like my mouth is just firing them out, without any assistance from my brain. I feel like, if I could just take a second, to think about what I wanted to say, it would come out much better. But everything is racing – my mouth, my thoughts, my heart.
I take another big slurp of a cocktail that is intended for three people.
‘Those things are usually for four people,’ Josh points out.
OK, four people, but it’s no one’s business but my own.
‘I know my limits, but thank you both for your concern,’ I say. ‘Now, if you don’t mind…’
‘We’ll see, won’t we?’ Amanda says as she takes Josh by the arm and leads him away. ‘You’re so much better off without that one in your life,’ I can just about hear her tell him as they walk off.
Oh, what a bitch.
‘Meh, forget them,’ I tell Eli and André.
‘Yeah, screw them,’ Eli says. ‘Let’s dance.’
I carefully but still clumsily place my glass down on the bar before heading out on to the dance floor with them. I feel a little bit queasy as I dance between them, but I just need to power through it. I can and will hold my drink – of course I will. Even if it is only to prove a point…
26
When Josh told me all about the virtual balconies on board the ship I did ponder, only briefly, whether he might be pulling my leg. Well, while it sounds completely possible, it just sounds a bit… gosh, almost dystopian. It’s a screen to hide the fact that you are in a windowless room. It isn’t hard to imagine a future where we live in homes like that. Anyway, l looked them up and they’re definitely a thing, 80-inch tall, wall-mounted TVs, hung vertically to give the appearance of a balcony door. At first I assumed they just had a day loop and a night loop which shifted from one to the other as the sun came up and went down, but the screens are actually linked to a webcam outside the ship which allows your virtual balcony to display the actual view you would have if you were higher up with a real balcony. That means you see real sights, real weather and the actual level of daylight outside. This is arguably far cooler than what I imagined it would be like, but I think they have missed a trick not giving it a manual override so that, at the push of a button, if you want to be in daylight instead of the dark of night (or vice versa) you can. I mean, it’s hard enough to tell what time it is on the ship anyway, so being able to manipulate the light in your cabin would make it even easier to trick yourself.
The reason I’m thinking about this is because, right now, the sun is pouring through our suite’s balcony window like
water, and my eyeballs feel like they’re shrivelling away. I wish I could plunge my suite into night mode. Without the option, I want to get up and close the thick, heavy curtains. Well, I don’t want to, I do need to though. I just can’t bring myself to move. There’s a loud banging in my head, it’s loud and unbearable – it’s almost rhythmic too. I’ve seen a handful of old movies with ships that are being rowed manually by an army of men on a lower deck, all rowing to the beat of a man playing the drum, which instructs them when to go faster. The beat of the drum in my head is fast and frantic, telling the ship to go faster and faster, like it’s in battle mode.
I’ll admit that the pounding in my head is most likely from the worst hangover I have ever had in my life, after I drank, without question, the most alcohol I have ever had in my life. It wasn’t my intention to get absolutely, completely, life-ruiningly wankered, but I missed my sweet spot, or rather, I pushed my luck and carried on drinking past my point of no return. I don’t know what it was last night, I just felt like surrendering control. Well, I rarely have much control over my life anyway, do I? Last night I just wanted a break from swimming against the tide, to just let it wash me out to sea and see where I ended up. Well, it dragged me out into the empty, pitch-black night, where I had no idea what was going on, and then sent me hurtling back towards dry land where I most likely hit my head on a rock, ensuring that I wouldn’t remember a thing. That might have been fine by drunk Rosie last night, but, this morning, sober Rosie is wracking her brains, searching high and low, for just a hint as to what went on. This is only making my headache worse though, and it’s not even turning up any results.
I’m lying in bed on my stomach with my head facing away from the window and my eyes tightly closed. My body feels weird, like I can’t move it properly, so I’m doing my best to shield my eyes from the sunshine with the tools I have.
My Great Ex-Scape Page 16