by John Scalzi
To friends and admirers.
I would not belong to you that way
And I know you would not have me so.
I will tell you how I belong to you.
I belong to you like a ring on a finger
A symbol of something eternal.
I belong to you like a heart in a chest
Beating in time to another heart.
I belong to you like a word on the air
Sending love to your ear.
I belong to you like a kiss on your lips
Put there by me, in the hope of more to come.
And most of all I belong to you
Because in where I hold my hopes
I hold the hope that you belong to me.
It is a hope I unfold for you now like a gift.
Belong to me like a ring
And a heart
And a word
And a kiss
And like a hope held close.
I will belong to you like all these things
And also something more
Something we will discover between us
And will belong to us alone.
You said I belong to you
And I agree.
Tell me you belong to me, too.
I wait for your word
And hope for your kiss.
Love you.
Enzo.
I love you, too, Enzo. I love you.
I miss you.
TWENTY-ONE
The next morning I found out Dad was under arrest.
“It’s not exactly arrest,” Dad said at our kitchen table, having his morning coffee. “I’ve been relieved of my position as colony leader and have to travel back to Phoenix Station for an inquiry. So it’s more like a trial. And if that goes badly then I’ll be arrested.”
“Is it going to go badly?” I asked.
“Probably,” Dad said. “They don’t usually have an inquiry if they don’t know how it’s going to turn out, and if it was going to turn out well, they wouldn’t bother to have it.” He sipped his coffee.
“What did you do?” I asked. I had my own coffee, loaded up with cream and sugar, which was sitting ignored in front of me. I was still in shock about Enzo, and this really wasn’t helping.
“I tried to talk General Gau out of walking into the trap we set for him and his fleet,” Dad said. “When we met I asked him not to call his fleet. Begged him not to, actually. It was against my orders. I was told to engage in ‘nonessential conversation’ with him. As if you can have nonessential conversation with someone who is planning to take over your colony, and whose entire fleet you’re about to blow up.”
“Why did you do it?” I asked. “Why did you try to give General Gau an out?”
“I don’t know,” Dad said. “Probably because I didn’t want the blood of all those crews on my hands.”
“You weren’t the one who set off the bombs,” I said.
“I don’t think that matters, do you?” Dad said. He set down his cup. “I was still part of the plan. I was still an active participant. I still bear some responsibility. I wanted to know that at the very least I tried in some small way to avoid so much bloodshed. I guess I was just hoping there might be a way to do things other than the way that ends up with everyone getting killed.”
I got up out of my chair and gave my dad a big hug. He took it, and then looked at me, a little surprised, when I sat back down. “Thank you,” he said. “I’d like to know what that was about.”
“It was me being happy that we think alike,” I said. “I can tell we’re related, even if it’s not biologically.”
“I don’t think anyone would doubt we think alike, dear,” Dad said. “Although given that I’m about to get royally shafted by the Colonial Union, I’m not sure it’s such a good thing for you.”
“I think it is,” I said.
“And biology or not, I think we’re both smart enough to figure out that things are not going well for anyone,” Dad said. “This is a real big mess, nor are we out of it.”
“Amen,” I said.
“How are you, sweetheart?” Dad asked. “Are you going to be okay?”
I opened my mouth to say something and closed it again. “I think right now I want to talk about anything else in the world besides how I’m doing,” I said, finally.
“All right,” Dad said. He started talking about himself then, not because he was an egotist but because he knew listening to him would help me take my mind off my own worries. I listened to him talk on without worrying too much about what he said.
Dad left on the supply ship San Joaquin the next day, with Manfred Trujillo and a couple other colonists who were going as representatives of Roanoke, on political and cultural business. That was their cover, anyway. What they were really doing, or so Jane had told me, was trying to find out anything about what was going on in the universe involving Roanoke and who had attacked us. It would take a week for Dad and the others to reach Phoenix Station; they’d spend a day or so there and then it would take another week for them to return. Which is to say, it’d take another week for everyone but Dad to return; if Dad’s inquiry went against him, he wouldn’t be coming back.
We tried not to think about that.
Three days later most of the colony converged on the Gugino homestead and said good-bye to Bruno and Natalie, Maria, Katherina, and Enzo. They were buried where they had died; Jane and others had removed the missile debris that had fallen on them, reshaped the area with new soil, and set new sod on top. A marker was placed to note the family. At some point in the future, there might be another, larger marker, but for now it was small and simple: the family name, the name of the members, and their dates. It reminded me of my own family marker, where my biological mother lay. For some reason I found this a little bit comforting.
Magdy’s father, who had been Bruno Gugino’s closest friend, spoke warmly about the whole family. A group of singers came and sang two of Natalie’s favorite hymns from Zhong Guo. Magdy spoke, briefly and with difficulty about his best friend. When he sat back down, Gretchen was there to hold him while he sobbed. Finally we all stood and some prayed and others stood silently, with their heads bowed, thinking about missing friends and loved ones. Then people left, until it was just me and Gretchen and Magdy, standing silently by the marker.
“He loved you, you know,” Magdy said to me, suddenly.
“I know,” I said.
“No,” Magdy said, and I saw how he was trying to get across to me that he wasn’t just making comforting words. “I’m not talking about how we say we love something, or love people we just like. He really loved you, Zoë. He was ready to spend his whole life with you. I wish I could make you believe this.”
I took out my PDA, opened it to Enzo’s poem, and showed it to Magdy. “I believe it,” I said.
Magdy read the poem, nodded. Then he handed the PDA back to me. “I’m glad,” he said. “I’m glad he sent that to you. I used to make fun of him because he wrote you those poems. I told him that he was just being a goof.” I smiled at that. “But now I’m glad he didn’t listen to me. I’m glad he sent them. Because now you know. You know how much he loved you.”
Magdy broke down as he tried to finish that sentence. I came up to him and held him and let him cry.
“He loved you too, Magdy,” I said to him. “As much as me. As much as anyone. You were his best friend.”
“I loved him too,” Magdy said. “He was my brother. I mean, not my real brother…” He started to get a look on his face; he was annoyed with himself that he wasn’t expressing himself like he wanted.
“No, Magdy,” I said. “You were his real brother. In every way that matters, you were his brother. He knew you thought of him that way. And he loved you for it.”
“I’m sorry, Zoë,” Magdy said, and looked down at his feet. “I’m sorry I always gave you and Enzo a hard time. I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” I said, gently. “Stop that. You were supposed to give u
s a hard time, Magdy. Giving people a hard time is what you do. Ask Gretchen.”
“It’s true,” Gretchen said, not unkindly. “It really is.”
“Enzo thought of you as his brother,” I said. “You’re my brother too. You have been all this time. I love you, Magdy.”
“I love you too, Zoë,” Magdy said quietly, and then looked straight at me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I gave him another hug. “Just remember that as your new family member I’m now entitled to give you all sorts of crap.”
“I can’t wait,” Magdy said, and then turned to Gretchen. “Does this make you my sister too?”
“Considering our history, you better hope not,” Gretchen said. Magdy laughed at that, which was a good sign, then gave me a peck on a cheek, gave Gretchen a hug, and then walked from the grave of his friend and brother.
“Do you think he’s going to be okay?” I asked Gretchen, as we watched him go.
“No,” Gretchen said. “Not for a long time. I know you loved Enzo, Zoë, I really do, and I don’t want this to sound like I’m trying to undercut that. But Enzo and Magdy were two halves of the same whole.” She nodded to Magdy. “You lost someone you love. He’s lost part of himself. I don’t know if he’s going to get over that.”
“You can help him,” I said.
“Maybe,” Gretchen said. “But think about what you’re asking me to do.”
I laughed. It’s why I loved Gretchen. She was the smartest girl I ever knew, and smart enough to know that being smart had its own repercussions. She could help Magdy, all right, by becoming part of what he was missing. But it meant her being that, one way or another, for the rest of their lives. She would do it, because when it came down to it she really did love Magdy. But she was right to worry about what it meant for her.
“Anyway,” Gretchen said, “I’m not done helping someone else.”
I snapped out of my thoughts at that. “Oh,” I said. “Well. You know. I’m okay.”
“I know,” Gretchen said. “I also know you lie horribly.”
“I can’t fool you,” I said.
“No,” Gretchen said. “Because what Enzo was to Magdy, I am to you.”
I hugged her. “I know,” I said.
“Good,” Gretchen said. “Whenever you forget, I’ll remind you.”
“Okay,” I said. We unhugged and Gretchen left me alone with Enzo and his family, and I sat with them for a long time.
Four days later, a note from Dad from a skip drone from Phoenix Station.
A miracle, it said. I’m not headed for prison. We are heading back on the next supply ship. Tell Hickory and Dickory that I will need to speak to them when I return. Love you.
There was another note for Jane, but she didn’t tell me what was in it.
“Why would Dad want to talk to you?” I asked Hickory.
“We don’t know,” Hickory said. “The last time he and I spoke of anything of any importance was the day—I am sorry—that your friend Enzo died. Some time ago, before we left Huckleberry, I had mentioned to Major Perry that the Obin government and the Obin people stood ready to assist you and your family here on Roanoke should you need our assistance. Major Perry reminded me of that conversation and asked me if the offer still stood. I told him that at the time I believed it did.”
“You think Dad is going to ask for your help?” I asked.
“I do not know,” Hickory said. “And since I last spoke to Major Perry circumstances have changed.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Dickory and I have finally received detailed updated information from our government, up to and including its analysis of the Colonial Union’s attack on the Conclave fleet,” Hickory said. “The most important piece of news is that we have been informed that shortly after the Magellan disappeared, the Colonial Union came to the Obin government and asked it not to search for the Roanoke colony, nor to offer it assistance if it were to be located by the Conclave or any other race.”
“They knew you would come looking for me,” I said.
“Yes,” Hickory said.
“But why would they tell you not to help us?” I asked.
“Because it would interfere with the Colonial Union’s own plans to lure the Conclave fleet to Roanoke,” Hickory said.
“That’s happened,” I said. “That’s done. The Obin can help us now,” I said.
“The Colonial Union has asked us to continue not to offer aid or assistance to Roanoke,” Hickory said.
“That makes no sense,” I said.
“We are inclined to agree,” Hickory said.
“But that means that you can’t even help me,” I said.
“There is a difference between you and the colony of Roanoke,” Hickory said. “The Colonial Union cannot ask us not to protect or assist you. It would violate the treaty between our peoples, and the Colonial Union would not want to do that, especially now. But the Colonial Union may choose to interpret the treaty narrowly and has. Our treaty concerns you, Zoë. To a much lesser extent it concerns your family, meaning Major Perry and Lieutenant Sagan. It does not concern Roanoke colony at all.”
“It does when I live here,” I said. “This colony is of a great deal of concern to me. Its people are of a great deal of concern to me. Everybody I care about in the whole universe is here. Roanoke matters to me. It should matter to you.”
“We did not say it did not matter to us,” Hickory said, and I heard something in its voice I had never heard before: reproach. “Nor do we suggest it does not matter to you, for many reasons. We are telling you how the Colonial Union is asking the Obin government to view its rights under treaty. And we are telling you that our government, for its own reasons, has agreed.”
“So if my dad asks for your help, you will tell him no,” I said.
“We will tell him that so long as Roanoke is a Colonial Union world, we are unable to offer help.”
“So, no,” I said.
“Yes,” Hickory said. “We are sorry, Zoë.”
“I want you to give me the information your government has given you,” I said.
“We will do so,” Hickory said. “But it is in our native language and file formatting, and will take a considerable amount of time for your PDA to translate.”
“I don’t care,” I said.
“As you wish,” Hickory said.
Not too long after that I stared at the screen of my PDA and ground my teeth together as it slowly plodded through file transformations and translations. I realized it would be easier just to ask Hickory and Dickory about it all, but I wanted to see it all with my own eyes. However long it took.
It took long enough that I had hardly read any of it by the time Dad and the others had made it home.
“This all looks like gibberish to me,” Gretchen said, looking at the documents I was showing her on my PDA. “It’s like it was translated from monkey or something.”
“Look,” I said. I pulled up a different document. “According to this, blowing up the Conclave fleet backfired. It was supposed to make the Conclave collapse and all the races start shooting at each other. Well, the Conclave is starting to collapse, but hardly any of them are actually fighting each other. They’re attacking Colonial Union worlds instead. They really messed this up.”
“If you say this is what it says, I’m going to believe you,” Gretchen said. “I’m not actually finding verbs here.”
I pulled up another document. “Here, this is about a Conclave leader named Nerbros Eser. He’s General Gau’s main competition for leadership of the Conclave now. Gau still doesn’t want to attack the Colonial Union directly, even though we just destroyed his fleet. He still thinks the Conclave is strong enough to keep doing what it’s been doing. But this Eser guy thinks the Conclave should just wipe us out. The Colonial Union. And especially us here on Roanoke. Just to make the point that you don’t mess with the Conclave. The two of them are fighting over control of the Conclave right now.”
/> “Okay,” Gretchen said. “But I still don’t know what any of this means, Zoë. Speak not-hyper-ese to me. You’re losing me.”
I stopped and took a breath. Gretchen was right. I’d spent most of the last day reading these documents, drinking coffee, and not sleeping; I was not at the peak of my communication skills. So I tried again.
“The whole point of founding Roanoke colony was to start a war,” I said.
“It looks like it worked,” Gretchen said.
“No,” I said. “It was supposed to start a war within the Conclave. Blowing up their fleet was supposed to tear the Conclave apart from the inside. It would end the threat of this huge coalition of alien races and bring things back to the way it was before, when every race was fighting every other race. We trigger a civil war, and then we sweep in while they’re all fighting and scoop up the worlds we want and come out of it all stronger than before—maybe too strong for any one race or even a small group of races to square off against. That was the plan.”
“But you’re telling me it didn’t work that way,” Gretchen said.
“Right,” I said. “We blew up the fleet and got the Conclave members fighting, but who they’re fighting is us. The reason we didn’t like the Conclave is that it was four hundred against one, the one being us. Well, now it’s still four hundred against one, except now no one’s listening to the one guy who was keeping them from engaging in total war against us.”
“Us here on Roanoke,” Gretchen said.
“Us everywhere,” I said. “The Colonial Union. Humans. Us. This is happening now,” I said. “Colonial Union worlds are being attacked. Not just the new colony worlds, the ones that usually get attacked. Even the established colonies—the ones that haven’t been attacked in decades—are getting hit. And unless General Gau gets them all back in line, these attacks are going to keep happening. They’re going to get worse.”
“I think you need a new hobby,” Gretchen said, handing me back my PDA. “Your new one here is really depressing.”
“I’m not trying to scare you,” I said. “I thought you would want to know about all this.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” Gretchen said. “You need to tell your parents. Or my dad. Someone who actually knows what to do about all this.”