“Do you have protection?”
Ares’s forehead lands on mine as he exhales a heavy breath. “I have to check the dresser.”
I don’t want to think about why there would already be condoms here, and whom they would be for. But a flash of hurt and insecurity plays through my mind. Sensing the shift in my mood, Ares leans back and meets my gaze.
“We don’t have to,” he says, with no sign that he would be upset about stopping now. He’s off base about my hesitance.
“No, I want to, want you. It’s just… I don’t know, it’s kinda weird.” Ares’s head jerks back a little bit. I rush to add, “I mean the whole condom thing. I know I shouldn’t worry about what happened before, but it’s there and I can’t help but think about it.”
Ares relaxes against me again, holding most of his weight on his hands. “We can talk about it if you want,” he offers with a small wince.
“No!” I almost shout. I’m sure he can see the abject horror on my face. I scoot away from him until my back hits the headboard of the bed.
“I didn’t necessarily mean right now, I just meant…” Ares looks down at my legs, not meeting my eyes. “I want you to know you could. I’m not talking about details, Laura. I’m talking about making sure you’re comfortable with my sexual history.”
“Well, I’m fucking not.” I cross my arms over my breasts, wondering how the hell this went off the rails so quickly.
“I can’t change what I’ve done. Even if I wanted to.” Ares maneuvers himself into a seated position in front of me.
I’m aggravated at myself for even thinking about this, why couldn’t he have just had the condom in his pocket? Now, we turned something that was amazing into something awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.
Some of the hurt I’m feeling just thinking about them with someone else morphs into anger. “Why were you guys even with other girls? It’s not like you didn’t know you had a match.” I haven’t really let myself wander down this road. I thought I had accepted the fact that they had lives before me, but this reminder just shows how much it really does bother me.
“You should probably get dressed.” Ares slides off the bed and scoops my bottoms off the floor.
Oh wow, those four words cut to the quick of my soul. I don’t even know why, but it feels like he’s rejecting me. I roll my lips in and bite them, keeping my face a mask to hide the hurt. I reach for the blanket and cover myself before he can even toss the swimsuit on the bed for me.
I can’t even look up at him. In my peripheral vision, I see him head to the bathroom. He closes the door behind himself with a gentle click, and my heart shatters.
Chapter 15
A stupid tear leaks out of my eye while I’m struggling to get dressed before he can get out of the bathroom. I hear the water turn on as I’m dragging my hair out of the back of my borrowed t-shirt. I rush away from the bed, wishing it weren’t in the same room. I’d really like some distance from it right now.
The door opens silently, but his presence fills the room like no sound could. I try to ignore him, but I sneak a quick glance in his direction. He’s still shirtless, and there are a few drops of water on his neck and chest like he rinsed his face. Another bolt of turmoil flashes through my gut. It’s not like I wasn’t expecting him to wash his face after what he just did, but it almost feels like a slap to the face for him to do it right now.
I look away. I sense and hear him moving around behind me. Eventually, he walks over to the living room area where I’m standing. I take two quick steps to the left when I know he’s close.
He makes a sound, something between a gasp of surprise and hum of hurt. I can’t look at him, not right now. I’m too upset and frustrated to even understand what he’s thinking or feeling. I guess this bond thing isn’t perfect after all.
“Can we sit for a minute?” He sounds unsure, hesitant.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go home yet, since the others would know something was wrong. If I have to talk about this, I’d rather do it with one of them instead of all of them. Except Milo. I don’t have to worry about Milo.
A sense of guilt quickly falls over me. Milo has been surrounded by people for years, but he was afraid to get too close. Our situations are similar, even if our reasons are very different.
Is that what I really want for them? To have felt utterly alone, like I’ve felt for most of my life. No, it’s not. But then, why do I feel this raw pain when I think about them experiencing love with someone else? Especially when they have to share me. At least I know now I’ll never have to share their affection, love, and desire.
My mind is so fucked up. I shake my head in denial, trying to rid myself of the thoughts. “You don’t want to sit, to talk?” Ares’s voice is edged in panic.
“No, we can talk,” I croak, realizing he thought I was answering his question. When I turn to take a seat on the sofa, I see his shirt is back on, but most of the buttons are still undone.
The black leather is cool as I ease myself onto the sofa cushions. I can feel how tight my shoulders are as I gather the edge of my shirt in my hand.
Ares forgoes the couch to sit on the coffee table across from me. It tickles my memory of the first time we met. He’s nothing like the arrogant man he was that night. Instead, he looks guilty, and he won’t meet my eyes, even though the position he put himself in makes me think he wanted to.
I cross my legs and tug the stretchy fabric of the shirt I took from the closet over my knees. I feel so exposed right now.
After a few tense seconds of silence, Ares brings his hands up and grips the sides of his lowered head, tugging at his hair. “So…” Ares scrubs his face with his hands. “We grew up knowing what we are, that we would more than likely find our Synergist when we turned sixteen.”
“You’re giving me a history lesson?” I interject.
Ares’s face pinches as he furrows his brow. “I’m just trying to explain.”
“And that involves you reminding me how I was clueless. Mmkay.”
“No, Laura, I’m trying to explain how fucking stupid I was—even though it’s not an excuse,” he adds, emphasizing the end.
I inch backwards a little into the couch, my hands still folded over my legs. “Don’t let me stop you then.”
“Well, you see…” he pauses, then finally opens his mouth, only to snap it closed. “I can’t even think of a way to say this without it coming out as fucked up as it really is.” Ares whips his head toward the window, his lips in a thin hard line.
“Just say it. It’s obviously something you think is important.” Reaching over, I snag one of the dark blue pillows from the corner and lay it over my lap.
“Not very many people wait until they meet their match before fooling around,” Ares says quickly. He lets out a little raspberry afterwards, like he surprised himself.
I tug the pillow closer. “So, you’re saying I’m weird because I didn’t go out and bang every boy I could?” My tone is defensive and defiant.
Ares’s head jerks back to me and our eyes finally meet. “No, that’s not at all what I’m saying,” he grits out through his teeth.
“Then spit it out, because that’s what it sounds like to me.”
Ares’s shoulders slump, a frown marring his face. “Goddamn. This is the last fucking thing I want to think about.” He scrubs his hand over his face again.
I snort. “You’re the one who offered,” I remind him sassily.
Ares closes his eyes. “I was fourteen,” he confesses. “I was young and stupid and didn’t have any concept of what this would mean to me,” he waves his hand between us, “other than I would have to spend the rest of my life with one woman.”
I suck in a breath. It’s like he’s confirming my insecurity.
His eyes finally open. Ares licks his bottom lip quickly, preparing to speak. “If I could take it back, I would. Every single touch. But I can’t, and I can’t even use age and stupidly as an excuse. As I got old
er, I watched my friends find their Infinities, and I still didn’t understand what I was stealing from you, but I knew it was wrong. I didn’t understand how deeply I would regret it, but it’s not an excuse.”
A hollow feeling settles in my stomach. I hurt for me and for him, because it’s as plain as his gorgeous face that he’s hurting with me. A hush falls over us. I’m not feeling nearly as snarky, but I’m still upset. To top it off, I actually feel guilty for feeling upset. Being a girl sucks sometimes. I bet guys don’t torture themselves over their conflicting emotions.
Eventually, I break the silence. “I don’t really understand it. I’m trying not to form opinions, because if I had been in your shoes, maybe things would have been different for me too. But I’ve never felt the desire to love someone else—”
“Wait, stop,” Ares interrupts, lifting his hand in the air. “I’ve never loved anyone. Never,” he states vehemently.
“But you’ve been with other people? Made love,” I address him slowly, but he’s already shaking his head in denial.
“Had sex, yes. Nothing else.” He widens his hands in surrender.
“That makes even less sense, why would you have sex with someone you don’t love?”
“Holy fuck.” Ares sighs and looks up at the ceiling. “If only it were that simple.” He meets my eyes. “One doesn’t equal the other, Laura. I understand where you’re coming from. I respect the hell out of you for feeling that way. But in reality, that’s not how everyone feels, and it shouldn’t be. Sex can just be sex.”
I clench my teeth together, tightening my jaw. I’m really confused. Is he validating what he did, or apologizing for it? “But you said you would take it back if you could?”
“And I would, but that doesn’t mean waiting is the right option for everyone.”
“Why not?” I know I’m being stubborn. I know waiting for marriage, or your match, isn’t realistic. Hell, kids were screwing in the band room at school in seventh grade and they probably didn’t love each other, not really, even if they thought they did. “Oh, forget it,” I say, before he can answer. “I know the difference. I get that people have sex in and out of love, but I just don’t like thinking about you guys doing it, okay? I couldn’t, and maybe that makes me the weird one, but I think you should love someone before you give yourself to them.” I’m being defensive again, even though he’s not doing or saying anything I would have to argue against.
Before he can say anything more, I continue, “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about this. I knew you weren’t a virgin; let’s just leave it at that.” I throw myself back into the cushions, clinging to the pillow over my chest. I’m still aggravated, but I don’t think there’s a way to end this conversation where I won’t be.
I turn and stare out the window. I have a lot of other things I need to be worrying about—like eliminating Leon and making sure my mom is okay—things I can actually do something about. I don’t need to worry about stuff like Ares and how many girls he’s screwed, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about that.
Ares doesn’t respond, it takes everything in me not to look at him to see what he’s thinking or feeling. Ignoring the desire, I continue to look out the window.
Eventually, Ares lets out a heavy sigh. “I’m going to make a phone call.” I don’t bother to acknowledge his statement. I do turn to watch him as he moves toward the kitchen area. “Hey, yeah,” he greets whoever he’s calling, then falls silent for a moment. “I just wanted to let you know it’ll be a little while before we get back.”
So, he’s probably talking to one of the guys at home. I’m not sure how I feel about him telling them it will be a while before we get home. Ares opens the fridge and ducks his head to see inside the small unit. “Later,” he mutters, the word clipped and under his breath. “I know.” He sighs shortly after. Yup, definitely one of the guys, Dante probably. “I will, see you in a bit.”
I turn back to the window and pretend I haven’t been staring at him the whole time his back was turned to me.
I want to forget the last twenty minutes. Rewind back to the moment he was desperate to be with me. Ares drops on the sofa right next to me, not leaving an inch of space. A small part of me is happy that he’s not mad that our time alone didn’t go as planned.
The other half of me doesn’t know how to move past the argument—if that was even an argument. I don’t have a ton of experience with confrontation. I always did everything my mom wanted, partly to make it easier on myself and partly because I wanted to make her happy.
“Laura,” Ares murmurs my name softly.
“Yeah?” I fiddle with the pillow.
He leans his face down into my field of vision, so I’m forced to see him. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, his dark brown eyes boring into mine.
I sniff, feeling even more guilty. “I’m sorry, too. I should have let it go.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” He wraps his arm around the back of my neck and pulls me closer to his side. “If something is bothering you, you have to talk about it. If not, it will just eat at you.”
“There are some things I don’t think I will ever want to talk about, and your sexual history is one of them—a big one.”
Ares tilts his head so it lands on mine. “We don’t ever need to talk about it again, but I want you to know, need you to know, I was always safe.” He pauses, then turns to face me. He places his finger under my chin and turns me to look at him. “I’ve never loved anyone but you, Cara.” My heart softens a little at the sincerity on his face. He searches my eyes. “Not even close.”
“I know,” I tell him, and I do. I let a moment of insecurity come between us and I regret it. I cuddle closer to Ares’s side, deciding I’m not going to let it ruin the time we have together.
Chapter 16
“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Milo looks around the front lawn like he’s expecting Leon to jump out from behind a bush.
“We don’t really have much of a choice, the box didn’t give us any insight on where Leon is,” Ollie mumbles as the front end of a truck comes into view from the long driveway.
I reach over for Dante’s hand. His head is lowered, and there’s a fierce gleaming in his eyes while a low rumble works its way up his chest. He’ll probably scare away the construction crew Ares is bringing in to start work on the house.
“We have to find a way to draw Leon out. I’ve used every contact I have, and no one knows where he is.” Ares has the sleeves of his shirt rolled up his arms, and he looks a little out of place in his brown leather shoes and dress slacks. Most people wouldn’t guess it when they look at him, but I know he’s just as apprehensive as Dante is to let others come here, especially when we know Leon could influence any one of them. His face is a mask of calm indifference, and his stance, while tall and proud, is relaxed.
I glance over at Milo, he bobs his head a few times from left to right like a boxer getting ready to enter the ring. Ollie is tapping his hand against his thigh as he shifts his weight back and forth. None of us are comfortable, but we’re all doing our best to pretend we are.
The first truck pulls to the front of the garage and the single occupant gets out after turning the engine off. He’s a heavy man—round in the middle with soft cheeks, and his light brown hair is cropped short. He doesn’t so much walk as he pounds the ground with each step. He outstretches his paw of a hand to Ares in greeting. “Hey, Mr. Costa.” He clears his throat quickly right after he speaks, while he struggles to maintain eye contact.
“Mr. Rudd, this is my family. Laura, Dante, Milo, and Oliver.” Ares gestures to each of us in turn.
Mr. Rudd nods his head. “Everybody on the site today is from the community,” he assures Ares, as two more trucks—these with tall ladder racks—crunch up the driveway. “Just like you requested.”
“That’s good. Dante will stay out here with them while they get set up. Laura and I will take you in for another look around to make sure we’re still on the same pag
e. Milo already got started on the lower level project, so he’ll let you know what his plans are to finish that area.”
Dante brings my hand up to his lips and gives me a gentle kiss while keeping his eyes on the men getting out of the trucks. Then he releases me so I can follow Ares and Mr. Rudd in through the open garage. Milo could be my shadow, he trails behind me so closely.
It’s still early, so the heat of the sun isn’t warm enough to cause the sweat that’s beading Mr. Rudd’s temples, but it’s there nonetheless. I watch as he drags the back of his hand across his brow, his eyes flaring wide as he keeps a few feet between himself and Ares.
Ignoring his behavior, Ares leads the way into the shaded garage, but Mr. Rudd pauses at the threshold where the shadows are looming. I watch his head bob as he forcibly swallows.
I move around him and make my way over to Ares, who has made himself at home in the deepest recesses of the darkness where the morning sun hasn’t chased away the shadows.
I wrap my arm around his elbow and lean into his side. Is this how people always treat him? Like he’s some scary boogeyman ready to pounce at any second? Ares accepts my weight and the darkness dissipates enough to make out Mr. Rudd’s features as he finally steps into the garage.
“Phew, it’s gonna be a hot one today.” His voice is a little shaky as his eyes dart around the dim garage.
Milo takes pity on him and lifts his hand to point over at the stud wall he’s already erected. “I’d like to get this closed off first.”
Mr. Rudd walks over to the wall and kicks the bottom piece of wood. It doesn’t budge. “Looks like you did a fine job securing this.” He tries to wiggle one of the upright two-by-fours with little result.
“Yeah, I anchored it into the concrete every eighteen inches. We want this to become the lower entrance. I need it to be as strong as an exterior wall.”
“I got it. So, we’re thinking a steel entryway door then?” Mr. Rudd takes a deep breath, and his shoulders fall a little as he looks around. He seems to be slightly more comfortable now that we’re talking about the renovations. “How far do you want to come out this way?” He gestures to the area near the basement gym.
Infinity Chronicles Book Four: A Paranormal Reverse Harem Series Page 14