by Klein Momo
When I felt heat rush in my cheeks, I quickly threw those thoughts out of my mind, ashamed that only thinking of him made my face flushed.
The outside air hit me as I passed the school doors and I made my way to the usual spot where my grand father waits for me.
When I stepped in the big white truck, he greeted me and asked me how was my day just like usual. Then his casual facial expression was replaced with a frown as he stared down at my face.
"Why is your face so red?"
"Huh?" I frowned at his question, and then quickly realized what he was talking about. "Oh hum.. yeah it's-it's still hot outside and-and you know, I have this big hoodie on, it doesn't really help." I let out awkward, nervous laugh at the end of my not so convincing words.
His baby blue eyes inspected me for a couple seconds before moving his head side to side in disapproval and chuckled with me. My red cheeks long forgotten, he started the car and headed to the arena.
If he would have known that it was the thought of Killian that made my cheeks flushed, I dont think he would have drop the subject so easily. He didn't really appreciated him and he made me know Friday. I was so destabilized, he knew I had been panicking so he had wrap his arm around my shoulders and asked me if Killian had done anything wrong to me. I was so confused so when I didn't answer him, he didn't push more and told me that he didn't want me near him again. His words left me confused and still made me frown.
As if Killian had become a bad person. He was not the one he should be concerned about
———
Watching my grand father sharpening skates had become boring, so after ten minutes I took out my homeworks, but then five minutes later I realized that physic is just as boring. And the loud noise the machine was making, made it impossible to even focus. I tried putting on my earphones but the music didn't even blocked the loud noise. For one of the rare times I actually felt like doing school work, I couldn't do it.
Maybe I could go sit a the restaurant. The thought crossed my mind but I decided it was best to just stay here with my grand father, even if the loud machine was bothering me. I didn't felt like wandering alone in the arena. Not anymore. I never really enjoyed it but now, it terrified me.
Suddenly the machine stopped. I though he was done, but I heard him cuss and call my name.
"Sadie?".
I looked up from my books and paid attention to him cleaning his hands with a dirty towel. I didn't bother pointing out the fact that it was most likely not cleaning his hands. He already seemed pretty annoyed and not so happy.
"Mmh?"
"Can you get me the tools? They're in the storage room. Just get the whole tools box. It's red, you'll find it easily."
Just as I was thinking about how I didn't want to wander alone here.
"Sure." I nodded. Not like I had a choice anyway. I didn't want to piss him off and I didn't want to be that paranoid. But I was also glad I'd be out of this room, and give a moment of silence to my ears. I didn't like loud noises.
"The storage room is at the end of the corridor, at your left." He said as I got up from the uncomfortable chair I was sitting on.
"Here." He threw a set of keys, that I barely caught. "The silver one."
I nodded and headed out of the shop. The hockey shop of the arena, where you can also sharpen your skates. I followed his instructions, and made it to the last door in the corridor easily.
From here, I could hear the laughs and loud muffled voices of the guys. They were probably still in te changing room, fooling around. I could hear them but I didn't recognize any voices.
Was Killian laughing with them? With Dylan?
I shrugged those thoughts away and opened the door. The room was pretty small, if you could even call this a room. More like a closet that could fit maximum three persons of my size. I didn't notice any box at first, only a broom, cleaning products, hockey tape and other stuffs. I soon found it on the top of the metal shelf.
Of course, the thing I needed had to be unattainable. There was no way I could reach it.
I sighed and let go of the door I was holding, not without making sure it wouldn't close behind me. If there is another thing I hated more than loud noises, it's small spaces.
I then reached for the red box a first time but I wasn't even close to touch it, just like I had first thought. I searched for a chair or a stool and I was surprise to find a pliable bench at the bottom of the shelf.
I set it on the floor and put my two feet on it. I barely reached the tools box, but I somehow managed to slide it of the top.
This seems pretty heavy.
I didn't expect it to be heavy like that and I almost lost my balance the second I had it in my hands, but I quickly stabilized myself with the shelf.
I hurried to get off the bench and drop the box on the floor, because this thing was too much for my weak arms. I stepped back, putting one foot on the ground, but my back bumped in something. Something hard, like a wall, or a door.
The door.
The word crossed my mind and I heard something click behind me; like a door closing.
The light coming from the corridor was now gone and the room was dark, and it confirmed my thoughts: the door did close.
Not a big deal right? It's not like it's locked, I kept telling myself.
I got off the bench quick and put the heavy box on it. I hurried to the door, and turned the knob excepting it to open right away, but it didn't.
Oh no.
Does it automatically locks? Or someone locked it?
I felt my heart starting to pound in my ears, and my throat tightening as terrifying thoughts crossed my mind.
What if they forget me here?
What if I'm stuck here?
The scenarios I played in my head were enough to make my breath caught in my throat and tears form in my eyes. Suddenly, air was impossible to get as a heavy pressure settled on my chest. No, no, no.
I instinctively started to pound my hands on the door hoping someone could hear me. But what if I'm too far and no one does? Grand pa wont hear me, the machine is too loud.
I sobbed, choked in my tears and gasped for oxygen. I don't want to be stuck in here.
"Oh, you don't want to go in the closet?"
Oh no. Not him.
"But thats how the game works, sweetheart."
The echo of his evil voice was just a memory in my mind, but it felt like he was here. Right next to me. I could feel him, chuckling in my ear.
"Don't you want to be like the kids of your age and play games?"
No!
"You have to go hide in the closet, thats how the game works."
"No! Go away!" I yelled. 3
"If you yell like that you'll have to stay in the closet for longer, little Sadie"
I covered my ears with my palms and kept yelling at him to go away, to not leave me in the closet. I don't want to be in the closet. Not ever again. 1
But here I was, locked up in the small room. What if he's waiting for me outside the door? What if he makes me play other games?
I started feeling lightheaded, unaware of the tips of my fingers tingling and my body sweating. I was only conscious of the painful burn in my lungs.
Even my screams and sobs became only a distant noise. I felt like giving up completely, just fainting on the floor. I could just close my eyes and I wouldn't be able to feel a thing.
But, something kept me from doing so. A loud 'bang' reached my ears. A second one followed and a third one. I lost count when I realized someone was forcing the door.
Oh no. It's him. He's coming.
"Or would you rather change the game? How about Simon Says? Huh?"
No. Please, no.
The door finally broke down after, I dont how many attempts. I backed away until I hit the shelf behind me. I didn't even realized that I had sit down on the floor. I sobbed, and curled into a ball, hiding my face, as I felt the person approach me.
Please don't be him, please don't be him.
I shook my head frenetically. I don't want to play his stupid games.
"Hey, hey. Sadie."
Tears still rolled down non-stop on my cheeks. I tightly held my knees to my chest as if this could protect me. Go away.
"Sadie. Calm down."
The voice suddenly became clearer and familiar. It was a husky one, a voice that didn't seem like the type to be soft, but the tone directed to me was so gentle. It made my breath slow down. My head unintentionally lift up, and my eyes met the last ones expected to see at that moment. Dark chestnut ones.
I was so relieved, a whimper escaped my mouth and more tears poured down on my face. A part of me was also crying because I didn't want him to see me like this. To see how broken I had become. But I was too panicked at that moment and only later that night I would realize it.
"Hey, hey, hey." He rushed to me, with what I think was concern taking over his features. Concern?
He squat down in front of me, his hand landed on my knee and I flinched. His eyebrows frowned.
"Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you." He said little bit above a whisper and his voice suddenly made me relax. Just like before.
I was breathing heavily but the circular motion he was now making with his thumb on my knee was so soothing and soon, panic slowly left. I gazed in his beautiful brown eyes and my stomach clenched. He was staring intensely in mine, I felt like he was seeing through my soul.
My mind was all foggy and I could barely register what was happening.
All I knew was that, a worried Killian was in front of me and managed to stop the panic attack. Just like he would do before.
And I realized he was the one who called my name. He knew my name. Maybe-just maybe, he remembered me.
I've had panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I knew that it must have all started because of their evil games or my mom's carelessness towards me. Maybe both. Thats what made me start to believe that I really was defective. Because I had no idea what panic attacks were nor did I knew what this constant feeling of pressure and insecurity was.
Only Killian knew how to make the fear go away and bring safety. I couldn't totally forget about him because he cared and he knew. He knew how mother was.
Well not exactly, but he would always say how he hated dropping me at my apartment after school. When I asked him why, he said he didn't like the people living with me.
"It's alright, I don't either." I had wanted to tell him.
Instead, I think I just shrugged my shoulders and said they were fine. That mother wasn't as mean as she seemed. I said the same things to his mom when she asked about life at home. I remember how suspicious and concern she was. I have always felt guilty about lying. Specially her, a kind and caring woman.
Just like her son.
His warm big hand resting on my knee felt surreal. Just him being here was surreal. I breathed heavily, staring at the open door behind him. Even the door breaking open looked surreal.
Then his hand left my knee, taking the warm and comforting feeling with it. I almost whimpered at the sudden lost. Next thing I knew, rough fingers grabbed and lifted my chin and my eyes met dark tummy-turning ones.
"Breathe, Sadie."
His voice sent shivers down my spine. In a good way, I guess and his words made me realize that my breathing was in fact, still heavy and fast. I became aware of the trembling in my body, my heart pounding in my ears and my fingers slowly becoming less numb. The only thing that had stop was my tears.
And I thought I was calmed.
I guess just his presence could make me forget the panic for a moment.
"Inhale and exhale."
I was too hypnotized by his face, I barely acknowledged his words. I've always loved his eyes. They looked down at me with an unreadable expression. Maybe concern? A couple years ago I would have known, but now, his face seemed to always be stone cold but now, his eyes said something else, like he was actually feeling something.
"For fuck's sake." He gripped my chin between his fingers tighter. "Breathe, Sadie. Please for me, just breathe." 1
He inhaled and exhaled in front of me, encouraging me to do the same. It was like I didn't want to disappoint him, and I decided to follow his instructions.The knot in my throat prevented me from breathing perfectly like he did.
"Thats it. Just like that." He said, relieved as I inhaled and let out a shaky breathe. "Do it again. Just in and out like I told you."
And I did. I took long, deep breaths for what felt like hours when in reality it was just minutes. I did felt stupid as Killian watched me struggle to do the easiest thing a human could do, but I really wanted the panic to go away.
Slowly my heart had found a normal, regular beat and I was able to register what was happening. I mean I knew Killian was right in front of me, but my brain clearly couldn't process the information.
Like I said it didn't felt real. One second I thought I was twelve years old again and the next one, Killian is holding my face and teaching me how to breathe.
Killian is holding my face.
And he called me Sadie. Again.
Does that mean he recognized me?
Or was my own mind triggering me ?
Why am I so desperate?
He really is gorgeous, I thought. Brown strands of hair fell over his forehead, reaching his dark frowning eyebrows. Also dark thick lashes framed his chocolate eyes and his nose was slightly crooked, but barely noticeable.
As I involontuarely and unashamedly stared at his features, I caught his gaze travelling on mine. He looked my face up and down, from my hair line to my lips.
Oh no. He's probably staring at the tears that rolled over cheeks and my red, puffy and disgusting eyes. He's staring because he's now fully aware of the mess I was. He-He's most likely thinking about how weird and creepy I am, I kept thinking.
The only thing that kept me from truly believing that he was judging my state, was his fingers still holding my chin and keeping my head from moving
I then accidentally met his gaze and it was like a wave of warmth took over me. But it left as fast as it came. The concerned-like look in his eyes quickly vanished and was replaced with his usual cold, emotionless one. It's like he had been in a trance and just snapped out of it.
Did I do something wrong?
He cleared his throat. "Are you okay now?"
I instinctively nodded, even though I knew I was not doing well. He probably knew too.
He opened his mouth, like he was about to say something, but whispers behind him didn't let him start. My gaze landed on persons standing at the door, three boys to be specific and I was pretty sure Killian noticed the sudden panic in my eyes. I felt his body tensing up.
Just when he snapped his head towards the audible voices, his fingers slipped from my face. The tingling and warm feeling now gone with them. But my attention was more directed to the fact that there was people standing at the door. I assumed they were in the team. They all seemed intrigued by the situation. I internally wished that Killian's big figure was hiding mine.
Have they heard my screams?
Is it how Killian found me?
"Piss off." The man in front of me snapped. "There's nothing to see here."
"Geez dude, relax. We just came to see what was going on here." One of them answered, raising his hands in the air as if it was to prove he was innocent.
I barely paid attention to them though. My mind was still foggy and also because the annoyance that was radiating off Killian's body was.. well was intense enough to have all my attention. He had stood up in his full tall height, leaving me curled up in a ball on the floor. I had a perfect view of his strong back. Even with a hoodie covering it, I could see how muscled it was.
How can a back be so attractive? 7
His big posture did hide me from their stares.
I didn't want anyone seeing me, or anyone's attention. He was like a wall, covering me from the outside.
&n
bsp; "Well this is not a fucking show, so go find another distraction." He snapped back. His jaw twitched as the guys mumbled incoherent words and disappeared in the corridor.
When they left, the beautiful boy turned back and looked down at me. I noticed his shoulders relaxed but his jaw was still clenched and his features hard.
I thought he could have been annoyed at me, but then I realized it would be more rational if the anger was directed to those boys. Maybe he didn't like them. Or maybe he didn't like me.