by Klein Momo
While I was still thinking about his brown hypnotizing orbs, he was tensely driving out of the downtown his hands tightly gripping the wheel. My eyes watched as we passed the huge buildings and lights, then the trees and the empty road. I apprehensively waited for him to scold me or even yell at me but during the entire ride back to my house he stayed quiet. He didn't relax the whole time, his jaw was twitching per moments and the veins on his forearms more apparent from how tight he held the wheel.
I desperately wanted him to talk to me, a nice talk or even just a smile. I just wanted to get a grip of myself and scream at him; appreciate me, dang it!
Its only when he pulled in the drive way that I had bravely open my mouth.
"Th-thank you," I suddenly mumbled surprising him and myself.
Taking a quick glance at me, he frowned, "For what?"
"Well, hum.. for-for getting me out of there."
"If you didn't want to be at this bar, what were you doing there Sadie?" He asked lowly with a tensed voice, as if he was doing his best to keep it steady from whatever emotion he was feeling. Probably frustration. 1
His question took me off guard, as I didn't expect him to ask, instead of just nodding and letting me out of the car. It almost felt like he was showing some interest.
"I-I was fine at first, with Josh and his friend" I said, my brows unintentionally furrowing at the previous events, "but-but then I-I saw him and I realized his friend must have been there too and I-I started panicking and-and-"
"Who's 'him'?" he demanded harshly, cutting off my rambling. I felt the anger dripping in his tone and his stare burning on the side of my head.
"Him," I insisted, "his-his friend. He was there, he must have been around. W-What if he saw me? What if he-he-"
"Hey, hey slow down," felt him shift next to me, leaning closer. If it wasn't for my mind racing and the panic taking over me, I would have noticed how soft his tone had gotten, a tone he has never used around me in the past weeks. Well besides that time in the storage room, but it didn't felt real so I blamed it on how I lost my mind and I hallucinated how gentle he had been.
I didn't know what was happening with me, why all of the sudden the emotions rushed in me. It was like all of the stress from tonight decided to hit me all at once making me want to curl into a ball and cry.
"Who was there Sadie?" He asked again, keeping his voice soft, but I knew he was growing more and more impatient.
"His-his friend. D-Dylan's friend." I stuttered out, my voice cracking on each word.
"Tyler?"
I nodded, my foggy mind recognizing the name. I heard him lean back and let out a frustrated sigh. I didn't dare to look up at him as my eyes were filled up with tears I've been trying to hide.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled out.
He didn't answer though, and the silence fell again heavier than before. He was tensed next to me, every of his muscles seemed to be clenching and the anger radiated off of his body making the atmosphere suffocating. I was apprehensive of his next movement or next harsh words. Whatever was happening in his head at the moment, I was dying to know.
"Jesus fucking christ. I cant be around you, Sadie" he said firmly interrupting the unbearable silence. My heart sinked at his words even if he mentioned that hours ago and had been clear about it. It would always be just as painful as the first time. "But fuck, its like you do everything to pull me towards you. You keep getting yourself in dangerous situations and I feel this fucking need to save your ass every time. I told you to not fucking go back to the arena and you fucking did. I told you to not go to this god damn bar and you fucking did. And that time in the storage room. You make me so fucking pissed but then you start crying and being this fragile little girl, I start hating myself for it. I knew I had to leave you alone ever since I saw Dylan that close to you Sadie. I have this anger inside I cant control, specially when it comes to you. I cant be around you when I know I can explode at any moment."
My eyes had been looking at him at some point, needing to see if his facial expression was as tortured as his words sounded. As his lips moved, he was staring ahead of him with indescribable emotions. Anger mixed with remorse and the sight made my heart clench.
Then his words stopped flowing out of his mouth, and silence filled the car again. His burning chestnut eyes snapped to mine with such intensity, I had to look away. I felt the urge to say something but I couldn't bring myself to formulate a sentence as my brain was still processing his words. I had obviously noticed how bad his temper was since every time we'd meet it always ended with him being angry. I was slowly realizing that it wasn't his fault, he struggled to control his emotions, mostly anger, and I couldn't blame him for that because I was as bad as him at this.
"You know what? Forget whatever the fuck I just said." I felt Killian shift next to me and, before I could stop him, he was outside of the car, heading to my side. He opened the door and waited for me to get out of my seat but I was frozen in my spot.
I wanted to say something, anything that wasn't stupid but words were stuck in my throat. I felt dumb and useless. He had just opened up, well it looked like it, and I couldn't even find an answer for him so he decided to take his words back. I couldn't let this happen.
"When my grandfather first took me at his house, he barely had money to take care of me, so one of his friend suggested him to apply for this hockey equipment kind of job." Words came out of my mouth weakly, "somehow luck was on his side and he got the job." I smiled through the tears forming in my eyes thinking about how he had been relieved that day. "I was so glad that he had found a job he loved. It made me feel less guilty to know that I wasn't that much of a burden. Except I-I didn't know that it required him to be at the games on Fridays and Sundays and I-I couldn't bear the thought of being alone. So he decided to take me with him to every game. Eventually I was able to stay alone during the day so he stopped taking me to the games on Sundays..." I paused taking time to make sure no tears came and swallowed the lump in my throat. "At night though, when it gets dark outside, I-I dont want to be alone. Thats why I'm always there."
I looked up at Killian realizing how bored he must be listening to my pathetic rambling only to find him staring at me with an emotion his usual cold features weren't able to cover up this time. Concern, or remorse perhaps. But that was enough to make me crack.
"I-I dont want to be alone. I cant be alone Killian. I get these thoughts, horrible and scary ones, they wont go away." I cried out, almost forgetting Killian was sitting next to me and letting the tears roll down on my face. "I dont want to be alone anymore, its all I ask for. P-please, I dont want to be alone-" 4
All of the sudden, big arms made their way around my shoulders, holding me tight on a hard chest. It took me seconds before realizing what was happening.
And then I broke into a crying mess. I cried so hard, my chest ached.
I heard myself sobbing, letting my tears wet his shirt. It was like the way he held me so tight gave me the permission to feel all this pain and let it out. I cried for my horrible past, I cried for Killian leaving me, I cried for the anxiety I felt everyday, I cried for my loneliness. I cried for being me, because me is pathetic and broken.
"You're okay. You're okay." He murmured in my ear, rocking our bodies so softly I thought it was just my head spinning.
But Killian was there holding me, and I couldn't feel safer. Something I havent felt for years. His strong arms around my frail body and his hot breath fanning on my neck. His hand wrapped in my hair, keeping my head on his chest and his hoarse voice whispering reassuring words. I wanted him to hold me like this for all the years he didn't. I clutched on him, held his shirt tight in my small fist for my dear life, hoping one day the grief would go away.
"I'm not leaving you again. You wont have to face everything in this world on your own anymore, Sadie."
"See, you're not as bad as you keep saying." Killian pointed out as his tall body leaned over my shoulder to verify my answers. His proximity was
slowly becoming a distraction.
"Yes, but you make it sound easier than my teacher." I grumbled.
I heard him chuckle over me. A genuine one, like he actually found my answer funny. 3
I found him doing that more often ever since Friday. We spent Saturday together, at an ice cream parlour, which I was really happy about, trying fix my issues in math and completely ignoring what happened the night before. I was glad none of us brought it up.
I had never been more at ease around someone, except when his strong body would get closer. He was slowly getting much less grumpy around me and even started to joke around. I didn't know if he was doing that from pity but whatever was going on, I enjoyed it much more than I should.
It was Monday after noon now, Killian drove me and picked up from school today. Then, he brought me to his apartment to continue the stupid math.
Surprisingly, I kept getting right answers and was starting to understand the stuffs I didn't last year. I was amazed at how smart he was and how math actually didn't seem so bad when it came out of his mouth. When I pointed out earlier he smirked and winked at me.
Like an actual wink, from Killian. 5
"You're teacher needs to find a new job then." He mumbled, with his tingle bringing deep voice.
"Don't be so mean."
He rolled his beautiful eyes and just ignored my comment by paying attention again to my math text book.
I definitely noticed how I have grown comfortable around Killian in just two days. I was pretty certain it was due to the fact that he admitted out loud that he didn't hate me and actually wanted me around him. When I was younger, I used to always and only be with him, and so did he. He was the one who listened when my mother didnt, he told me stories when mother didn't bother to, he made me laugh when mother made me want to scream and cry, he made me feel safe when mother kept making me feel insecure.
I guess that being assured that he wanted me brought me the same security I felt back then.
The problem with me is that I always need to be reassured by others. I need people's point of view, I need to know how they see me, what they think of me. And sometimes even with their opinions, I will still keep overthinking every situation or their feelings. I try to stop being like that but I cant bring myself to do it. 10
"You have everything right." Killian's deep lightly accented voice took me out of my thoughts. "How about we take a pause from homeworks mmh?"
"But, dont you have the literature paper you have to finish?" I questioned, frowning at his computer that put the half empty Word page on display.
"Yeah, whatever I'll do it another time." He shrugged off, "I wanna' spend time with you." He added, looking at me with those hypnotizing chestnut coloured eyes. The intensity they held just like every time he stared at me, made my heart skip a beat and my cheeks flush.
"Y-you can spend time with me and do your paper," I replied weakly, ignoring how my face was heating up.
"Then I won't have all my attention on you." 6
If my face wasn't red before, it surely was now. Killian was just a whole mesmerizing human, and most of the time just being around him had my emotions all over the place. I loved the brown colour in his eyes, I loved the mess his hair constantly was, I loved his chiseled features, like he was handmade by god himself. His beauty was intimidating and so was his demeanour.
Words were stuck in my throat and as the quiet air fell in the room. I diverted my gaze from his, suddenly feeling like he could see through my soul. Its like all of the sudden, I didn't feel as comfortable around him. I couldn't believe he wanted to be with me. People dont want to, people run away, people ignore me. Why wasn't he doing the same?
"I hate english anyway." He sighed, finding a way to breaking the silence as if he noticed how my guard was back. That, I already knew.
Some parts of him didn't change, despite him becoming so cold. When we first met, the first thing I noticed was the accent he had every time he spoke, more pronounced than the one he has now. I remember when I asked him about it, he said he came all the way from Russia with his mom and dad. For a child like me who never saw the outside of her house for most of her life, I was thrilled to know a foreigner. I helped him write and spell some words right. He had the rush to integrate the culture quickly, no wonder why he still hates the language.
"I-I can help you. If you want to, of course."
I was relieved to find a smirk rise up on Killian's face when I looked up at him, a glint of an emotion I couldn't describe in his eyes. I could never tell how he felt every time he gazed at me, the chestnut orbs hid many emotions. The small smile was long gone though when the entrance door burst open and footsteps approached
Joshua's shorter figure quietely walked in the kitchen, dropping his sport bag on the floor as he kept his eyes fixed on his phone, clearly not noticing us. Killian let out an irritated sigh, making his head snap up to the now grumpy boy next to me.
"Oh shit! Hi Micky."
"Just fucking great." I heard him almost growl out as he glared at his friend.
"Kiddo!" He exclaimed, his quiet demeanour now completely gone as his bright eyes landed on me, "how are you doing?" He asked, walking towards me.
"Great," I giggled out as he ruffled my hair with his hand. "How about you?"
"Great besides the fact that I'm fucking starving. Do ya'll want something to eat?"
"No," Killian replied strictly, his eyes glaring at Joshua's back as he walked back in the kitchen.
"Kid, do you want something?" He asked again, putting the emphase on the nickname, as he looked in the fridge.
"No, thank you."
"There's nothing left in the fridge Josh anyway." Killian replied bluntly.
"You didn't go grocery shopping?"
"Do I look like your fucking maid?" He snapped back. 3
If Killian wouldn't have been so tense, I would have actually laugh at his comment, but since he seemed unhappy about Joshua's entry, I didn't want to make this awkward.
"Ouh! We could make a cake!" Josh cheered from the kitchen, pulling out a red box of what I assumed was a cake mix from the cabinet. "Wanna join me kid?"
"I uh, I-"
"Dont you have other things to do?" Killian grumbled next to me.
"Yes. But I'm hungry." He replied casually. As if his roommate wasn't sending him daggers with his eyes, which I still couldn't understand why he reacts that way when his friends are around.
"Well do whatever the fuck you want, I have to go finish this paper." I flinched at his harsh words. Killian stood up, took his laptop and before I could even react he was walking towards to what I assumed was his room. I wanted to stop him, but words were stuck in my throat, again. I didn't dare to say something to him seeing the state he was in right now.
I suddenly felt guilty. Like I was the one who somehow caused his mood swing. I couldn't help but rethink all our conversation and ask myself what I could have say wrong. Perhaps he was pissed at Josh? That, he seemed to always be. He always had a harsh or bored tone with everyone, as if he was angry with the world. A tone he didn't use with me for the last two days I spent with him, until his roommate walked through that door.
Not that I blamed Josh for it.
"Fucking grumpy ass." I heard Joshua irritatedly mumbled to himself in the kitchen. "Do you still want to do the cake with me, Kiddo?"
I looked up at a hopeful Josh smiling at me with the red box still in his hand. Part of me wanted to go look after Killian, feeling that it wasn't fair to leave him all by himself and yet, despite how comfortable I grew around him, I was scared to be the one making a first move. Maybe he wanted to be alone?
Josh appeared to notice my hesitation, "dont worry about him Sadie. Whatever is up his ass, he'll get over it," he reassured me. "Now stop pouting like that and come bake with me, a pretty girl like you shouldn't be upset."
———-
"Eew! I told you you needed to tie your hair up!" I scolded as I pulled out a dark hair from the brown bat
ter.
"Maybe its your hair!"
"Mine aren't that dark." I stated as he just rolled his eyes and carried on mixing the ingredients. I sat on the counter, looking at him do the job since I did most of it by myself while he was complaining about how sore he was because of his latest practice.
"You really should tie your hair up." I said again after a short moment of silence, looking at his shoulder-length hair.
"I dont know how," I heard him mumble grumpily, keeping his eyes on the batter.