by Ruby Rose
So I approached with caution. I had my fists ready to take down any person that might threaten what we have here, but then I heard her breathing.
Of course, I didn’t know it was her, not at first, but I knew it was a woman. It was controlled, and the sighs were soft. I peered in through the window, and there she was.
Hopping from toe to toe, she had all of her energy focused on that punch bag. Her mouth was pursed into an O-shape, and she held her eyes closed for long periods of time as she laid her punches.
It stirred me like never before.
That sweat, dripping down her, her heavy breathing shifting through her chest. There was something about watching her workout that drove me to imagine her on top of me, riding me hard and pushing through the pain.
I tried to stop. I looked away and went to interrupt her, but how could I? How could I, when all these days, I’ve envisioned what might lie below those tight-fitting clothes, only to get a glimpse through the steamed-up glass?
Her breasts pushed together in that tight sports bra. They were lifted up, but still as big as ever. My hands twitched as they begged to hold them, to squeeze them. My mouth salivated as I thought about how they might taste in my mouth.
As soon as I entered, she covered her stomach. She has no idea how beautiful it is to me. I want to grab her love handles; I adore the curve of her hips, I long to sink my face between those thighs and love every part of her.
All I did was make her feel embarrassed.
I roll over and stare at the wall. I feel like a fool, and now I have to see her again tomorrow.
****
“Well, you look like you had a rough night.” Tiger’s arm reaches around my shoulder, and his hand slaps me hard on the back. I rub my head and sink into my hands.
“You don’t know the half of it.”
Tiger drops his pitchfork and sighs heavily.
“I can bet it has something to do with that new bookkeeper, Moira.”
I step back and laugh.
“What?”
“Oh, come on, Bird. You really think I’m that stupid?”
“Of course not, Tiger. I just didn’t realize I’d been so obvious.”
Tiger doesn’t answer, he just raises an eyebrow and sits down beside me.
“Even before I saw you looking at her, I knew she was going to knock you sideways. You think I don’t remember our conversations back in lock up?”
I smile and try to turn away, carrying on with bailing hay.
“Hey, Bird, don’t you try and avoid this. You know what they told us, it’s not good to hold back our emotions.”
I sigh, I shouldn’t say it, I know I shouldn’t, but it’s as though it falls out of my mouth before I can stop it.
“But I don’t have a problem with my emotions.”
Tiger looks hurt. I didn’t mean to offend him, but he knows it’s true. I never committed any crime, unlike him and Chief. I’m not judging them; they’re my two best friends in this entire world, and although I might have been innocent, I still wouldn’t have made it through jail without them, and that’s all that counts now.
“I still think you should talk about something if it’s on your mind. Besides, you’re the strongest guy on the farm; we can’t have you moping around; we need you.”
“Tiger,” I breathe, taking a seat next to him. “I know I did something wrong; I just don’t really know what.”
“What have you done now?”
I wipe my brow and turn to Tiger. I start telling him about the first time I met her, and how we hardly spoke at all.
“I know it’s crazy, Tiger, but I just saw her, and I knew. I know we have to get to know each other, I’ve never been one for ‘love at first sight’ and all that nonsense, but damn, she’s gorgeous, just the woman I’ve always dreamed of.”
“Like I said, I could have told you that much, Bird.”
“I just wanna get to know her. I’ve listened to her, I’ve watched her from afar, and I know she’s a good person. I can see how sweet she is, but she’s got something about her too, you know, a sass. She’s not a pushover. Boy, do I know that now.”
“You messed up?”
“I just don’t get it. I saw her looking at me. She didn’t give me that look that other girls do, you know, a scared look, like they know I’m a convict and they don’t want anything to do with me. When I saw her looking, I felt like she was interested, like she liked me back.”
“You know, Bird, that’s not always enough.”
I scoff. “It’s not enough that we both like each other?”
“Not always. What happened when you spoke to her?”
“That’s just it. We barely spoke. I introduced myself, we shook hands, she smiled and said her name, then she totally ignored me. I thought I could ask about her, get to know her and maybe ask her on a date, but she didn’t even give me a chance.”
Tiger tilts his head and tuts. “Sounds to me like she likes you, but she thinks she shouldn’t.”
“Because I’m an ex-con?”
“Maybe. You haven’t spoken to her since?”
My cheeks go red just thinking about the barn scene. I really messed up.
“I went to the gym, you know, on the farm, and she was there. I guess I should have said something sooner, but I didn’t want to interrupt her-”
“So you were watching her?”
“No, well, not intentionally. I could see that she was in the moment and I didn’t want to stop her. I was only stood there a couple of minutes at the most, but she got all worked up when she saw me, I guess.”
“Bird, I don’t know a lot about women, but I do know they’re complicated. They’re sensitive, she probably got embarrassed.”
“Well, I tried to tell her she shouldn’t be embarrassed. I told her she didn’t need to lose weight and that I thought she was beautiful.”
“Ahh, Bird. I doubt that helped.”
“Well, why not?”
“I don’t know, Bird. Like I said, women are hard to understand. I get that you think she’s beautiful, but if she doesn’t feel that way, it doesn’t really matter what you say.”
I stand back up and pace across the barn. I know it was good to talk things out with Tiger, but if anything, I feel even more confused now than I did before.
“What do I do, brother? I have to make her mine. I’ve wanted her since the second I saw her. I haven’t felt that in years, if ever. I know she wants me too, I can see it in her eyes. I know I can make her happy, but how do I do that if she won’t give me a chance?”
Tiger picks up his pitchfork again and looks down to the ground as he speaks.
“Women like honesty. She’s obviously got her guard up for some reason or other. We all know you’re a good guy, Bird, but maybe she doesn’t know that yet.”
Chapter Four: Moira
Maybe I was too harsh on Bird.
Every time I see him on the farm now, I can’t help but notice that he’s lost that sparkle in his eyes. He can barely look at me.
He shouldn’t have been watching me, not when I’m working out. Doesn’t he know how mortifying that is for a woman?
Or maybe he just doesn’t understand. He’s got that body. I saw him topless and sweating, heaving that plow above his shoulders. The more skin exposed on his body, the sexier he looks- not like me. Dammit, no matter how hard I try, no matter how angry I am at him for invading my privacy like that, I can’t tear those images from my mind. He’s just so... aghh!
And then there’s this kindness to him that I never saw coming. He was so awkward that night, normally not something I’d find attractive. But combined with his looks, the innocence in his eyes, and those words, those two words, “You’re beautiful,” both my body and my heart fight against what I know is best.
‘Throw yourself into your job,’ I utter under my breath, realizing I’ve been at work for almost an hour, and all I’ve achieved is a chewed up lip and a throbbing between my legs.
If I can’t have
Bird because I’m putting myself first, then the least I should be doing is knuckling down at work.
Chief and Tiger cross my desk around midday. Chief gives me the usual nod and stern smile. Tiger’s eyes linger on me for a moment, not in a lustful way, but almost as if he’s reading my mind. None of them say very much, but I guess that’s cons for you.
When I first started writing to cons, I learned that they don’t open up easily. I found it surprising at first. I assumed that they’d be lonely and would be desperate to share any story they had swirling around in their brain. But it doesn’t really work like that.
I wrote to a few guys, usually older men who’d been locked up most of their lives and now wanted to make peace with the outside world. They wrote to me because they thought that when they died in there, behind those tall brick walls, at least someone might remember them, and I do.
I still think about that one guy, though; he never told me his name, we only ever used his prison number, but I knew he was younger than most of the men I spoke to. He never went into what he did, and I never asked him, but I always suspected that he was innocent.
I don’t know why- not really. I just felt like he wasn’t writing to me to right any wrongs, he wrote to me to find a friend. Over the months, our friendship turned into something more. I found myself getting excited every time I got a letter in the post. My heart fluttered uncontrollably as his words coursed through me. We were desperate to meet each other
I did my best not to get attached. I told myself it was all a fantasy, nothing more, but sometimes, your heart gets the better of you. As much as I repeated that I didn’t need an ex-con in my life, with every letter I got, that feeling faded a little more.
And then, out of nowhere, there came a day when he never wrote to me again.
It was a strange feeling. I always expected another letter to come. I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt. He wasn’t a boyfriend, and none of my family would have approved. I had to accept that pain on my own.
I just remember a few months later when I called up about the job on Wild Eagle Acres. I spoke to Lexi’s mom, and she kept asking me if I minded working around a lot of men. I didn’t get it at first, but then she mentioned jail.
I guess I should have been nervous about working for three ex-cons, but if anything, I felt excited.
I sat myself down and told myself that I couldn’t get involved, not with anyone. After what my ex did to me, and then the disappointment of losing my penpal after all those months, I knew my heart just wasn’t ready.
I don’t know if it ever will be.
I know Bird’s sweet. I know he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever come across, and I know he wants me. But that’s exactly why I need to stay away. All of this can only mean trouble, no matter how intoxicating this whole place is.
I don’t fall often, but when I do, I fall hard, and that only means it hurts more when you finally hit the floor.
“Moira.” His voice is like velvet brushing against my ears. My body tightens as I wait for him to say something more. I can’t speak; I can barely breathe around him.
“I bought you the documents you needed. Lexi says she’s too pregnant to bring them across the farm, so she asked me to do it.” He turns away from me, and I notice his Adam’s apple lift up into his throat while he nervously extends his arm out to me.
“Thank you, Bird,” I stammer. I think about clearing the air and bringing up the other night, but before I can, he’s gone. All I can do is listen to his heavy boots creak across the floor, and the door swings as it closes behind him.
A great big pile of documents to organize- that should keep my mind off him.
Or maybe not.
Tucked beneath the first page is a folded up piece of paper with my name penned along it. I know immediately, this isn’t from Lexi.
My hand trembles as I unfold the note. There’s just two sentences written there; I don’t know why I expected more.
“Please forgive me for being so awkward the other night. Let me buy you a forgive-me lunch, please?”
As if my hand had a mind of its own, I reach for a pen and begin to write.
“Yes.” “No.” “Please, take me for lunch, I’m dying to speak to you!”
But I screw them all up and toss them into the trash can.
“Breathe, Moira. You know what to do.”
I scribble down the note before I have a second to regret it. I fold it up and wait for him to pass my desk again. Each second that I wait feels like a lifetime, but finally, he comes back.
Without making eye-contact, I slide the paper across the table and wait for him to open it while I continue typing at my computer.
I hear him suck in a deep breath through his teeth. Maybe he’ll walk away and accept my answer, but something tells me he won’t.
He leans over the desk and scratches at the paper quickly with his pen. His eyes focus hard on what he writes.
Just below my note, “I can’t. I’m on a diet,” are two lines. The first one, “Don’t be ridiculous,” has been crossed out, but in the second one, I feel his determination, and it excites me a little.
“How about a jog in the park?”
Bird stands in front of me with his arms folded, and his lips pushed into a stern face. As I curl my lips under and re-read his note, he goes to speak but stops himself. Instead, he stays there, waiting calmly for me to reply.
I should just speak to him. I should just open my mouth and speak, but for now, I’ll do what we know how to do, and write.
“OK, tomorrow?”
His chest drops, and the faintest smile creeps into the corner of his mouth. He doesn’t reply, he simply nods, but I can see the delight in his eyes. They’re sparkling again. Although my stomach churns with nerves and questions, I can’t help but feel happy to see him smile again, even if he is doing his best to hide it.
He puts the paper down, resting his hand on it for a few seconds as our eyes finally meet. It’s like his gaze can reach into me, saying a thousand words without ever opening his mouth. I know he feels it too. Every hair on my body stands on its ends, and goosebumps creep across me.
He breaks our gaze and walks away. The creak of the wood beneath his feet reminds me of his size once again. Just as I think he’s gone, and I can sink back into my chair and release this air built up inside my chest, he turns to me.
“Thank you, Moira.”
“You’re welcome, Bird.”
The air in the room lifts as the tension finally breaks. I don’t know what is going on, but I’ve never felt so entranced by somebody’s spell with so few words.
Chapter Five: Bird
By the time Moira gets to the park, I’ve already run a few laps. I learned back in jail that the best way to release tension is by working out. Somehow, meeting Moira today and revealing everything to her has me more worked up than anything that happened to me while I was locked up.
This time she’s covered up as much as she can. Sitting over her plump chest is a cropped, black hoody. She thinks it hides her figure, but it doesn’t. I still see the womanly body beneath.
As my eyes scroll down her, widening at the silhouette of her legs under those leggings, I notice what tiny feet she has. All tucked up in a pair of worn-out trainers, they’re the cutest things I’ve ever seen.
I’d tell her, but the last time I complimented her, she walked out on me.
No. First, she has to know everything, the whole story. How can I expect her to trust me if I’m not honest with her? At least, that’s what Tiger says.
“Hey, Bird.” She leans in and kisses me on the cheek. The electricity flies through me. We both realize that’s the closest we’ve ever been to each other.
“Hey, Moira.” I hear the croak in my voice and immediately recognize that same feeling creeping back. I hate being like this: why can’t I act natural around her?
“Bird, have you already been working out?”
“Huh? Oh, yeh, I just did a few laps of the park just n
ow.”
Moira holds her hands on her waist and stares out to the park, seemingly confused at how I still have the energy to do more.
“So you think I can’t keep up with you then?”
“What? No. Not at all! I was just-”
Moira pushes her lips to the side of her face and grins. “Just what?” Her hip shifts to one side, and she eyes me up and down. I love it, she’s teasing me because she knows I’m nervous. How does she know me so well?
“I mean, Moira, I don’t want to offend you. I’m just saying, I’m obviously the better runner between us two.” I wait for her reaction. To my delight, she bites her lip and smiles, shaking her head at me.
“And how much you wanna bet?”
I take a look around, how far can I push this?