by Shandi Boyes
Her nose crinkles more when I run my index finger down it. “Yes. I can’t wait for us to have kids... The instant you give me the nod of approval, I’ll be more than happy to have you barefoot and pregnant.”
She laughs. “Such a caveman.”
I gnaw at my pizza as if I’m exactly that.
After swallowing down the big chunk, I ask, “What about you? Are you ready for dirty diapers and a screaming boobie monster?”
She smiles in a way that takes my breath away before nodding. She looks so happy I can't help but ravish her delicious mouth. She melts into my embrace, as gooey as the cheese I taste on her lips.
When I pull back, I peer into her dazzling eyes. “I love you.”
I’ve spoken those exact three words over a million times already, but I’ll say them a trillion times if it gets across how much she truly means to me.
“I love you too,” she replies in a husky whisper before standing to her feet.
When she yanks me from the floor with a tug on my arm, I realize she’s going to use more than words to express how much I mean to her.
How lucky am I?
The next morning, with Emily sleeping peacefully, I call a taxi to take me to the airport. She offered to drive me, but I don’t want to wake her. Instead, I leave her a note before tiptoeing out of her room.
The regret I usually feel when I leave her isn’t as strong today, because in a matter of days, she’ll be joining me on the road. She has everything worked out, meaning she’ll be standing in the wings of the stage during my very first concert.
I’m fucking ecstatic.
As I exit LAX, my phone buzzes with a text message. In all honesty, I don’t remember much of my flight. I’ve trekked across the country more times than I can count the past twelve months, so one trip must be hazing into another.
Spotting that I have a voicemail, I hit play before pushing my phone to my ear. A grin tugs at my lips when Emily's voice comes down the line. “I’m so sorry I didn’t take you to the airport. Someone wore me out...” She giggles before continuing. “I love you, baby; I’ll see you real soon.”
It’s just past midday, so I dial Emily’s number. She should be at lunch, but it rings out on repeat. After my fourth redial, I leave a message. “Hey, Beautiful, I just got your message. I landed safely.” While raking my fingers through my damp hair, I chuckle. “I’m heading to the studio to lay down some tracks, so I’ll call you tonight. I love you.”
After sliding my phone into my jeans pocket, I dart through the double glass doors, prepared to outrun the paparazzi who follow my every move. My brisk pace slows when I realize they’re not waiting for me like they usually are. I guess they were as surprised about my impromptu trip as Emily was yesterday.
When I jump into the back of a taxi, I give the driver the address for the studio Rise Up has been working out of the past few months. His green eyes reflecting at me in the rearview mirror are familiar, but I can’t pinpoint where I’ve seen them before.
I’m still working through my confusion when he drops me off at the studio. I’m not the only one having a slow start today. The usually bustling space is quieter than a ghost town. I don’t mind. It gives me a chance to get down the lyrics that have been playing on repeat in my head since last night. It’s a ballad I want to perform for Emily after we wed. “Surrender Me” is our song, but it’s been shared with millions of people. This new masterpiece will be solely for Emily. It will never be released to the public.
I’ve been working in the studio for a few hours when a commotion outside its soundproof doors gains my attention. Someone is shouting, but I can’t understand anything they’re saying. After setting down the guitar Emily bought me for my birthday, I head for the door. All musicians have creative arguments, but this seems like more than that.
My already high heart rate kicks up another notch when I spot Ryan on the other side of the door. He’s a detective in Ravenshoe, so what the fuck is he doing in LA?
When he cranks his neck my way, I wave for him to join me in the studio. He does, albeit hesitantly.
“What are you doing here?”
I slap his shoulder two times before pulling him in for a man hug. I feel like I haven’t seen him in ages. The last time would have been around the time he helped me escape conviction when I beat the man who drugged Emily.
Ryan returns my hug but seems stiff and robotic.
After wiping the suspicious gleam from my eyes, I take a step back. “What’s up?”
Fear clutches my throat when our eyes lock and hold. His eyes are brimming with tears, and his face is gaunt and horrified. I haven’t seen him cry in the eight years I’ve known him. He didn’t even cry when he informed me Chris had committed suicide.
The veins in my neck thrum, panicked at what has him nearly sobbing. “Did something happen to Lola?”
My first thoughts go to Jacob. If Callum has hurt Lola again, I doubt I’ll be able to stop Jacob from killing him this time.
As I bend down to grab my phone off the floor, I notice Ryan is shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Noah.”
Unease settles in my gut as my lungs burn for air. I feel like I’m drowning, that I’m seconds from death. When Ryan steps closer to me with nurturing, sorrowed eyes, dread overwhelms me.
Oh god no. Please don’t do this to me again. I can’t go through this again.
“It’s Emily...”
Rage floods my veins, blocking out what Ryan says next.
“No!” As pain shreds through my chest, I grab the chair next to me and throw it across the room. It shatters through the glass door, forcing Jacob and my bandmates to duck out of the way of flying shards of glass. “This can’t be happening again; it can’t be true. Not Emily—please.”
I look Ryan straight in the eyes. If he wants to break my soul and shatter my heart, he can maintain eye contact while doing it. “Please, I’m begging you, please tell me Emily is okay.”
The remorse in his eyes says more than his words ever will. “I’m sorry. She’s gone.”
“No! Not my beautiful Emily. I can’t live without her! I won’t live without her.”
I pound my fists on Ryan’s chest as I scream “no” on repeat. When he fails to flinch, I grab anything I can find and swing it against the tiled floor. I trash the studio, the pain tearing through me too much to bear. It hurts so much I feel like I’m being torn in half.
Emily can't be gone; I was watching her sleep only hours ago. She’ll be with me in a few days. She’s coming on the road with me. I’ll finally have everything I've ever wanted. She can't be gone. I refuse to believe it.
As the room spins around me, all I can see is her beautiful face. She’s calling out for me, begging for me to save her, yet here I stand, useless and fucking helpless.
When the dizziness becomes too much, I hit the wall with a thud before sliding down. I slap myself over the head on repeat, urging myself to step out of the haze and grasp reality. I need to wake up, to pull myself out of this nightmare.
I don’t wake up. I remain on the ground, bleeding from the wounds my fists caused my head.
As I peer at my blood-stained hands, Ryan crouches down in front of me. His lips are moving, but I can’t hear a word he's speaking. It’s a blurry haze—nothing makes any sense. All I can hear is Emily’s voice, and all I can see is her beautiful face.
That’s what I want. Her in front of me. Safe. Protected. Alive.
Except she’s not.
She’s gone. Forever.
I don’t know how long I stay huddled on the ground. It could be an hour, it might even be three, but once I lift my eyes, I’d give anything to take back what I’m seeing. There are shards of wood scattered across the floor matching the grain and varnish of the material used to make my guitar—the guitar Emily gifted me for my birthday...
No!
As I crawl to the splintered remains of my guitar, my heart breaks like glass. I broke the gift she worked so hard to buy me—me. I destroy
ed it.
With tears sliding down my cheeks, I vainly try to piece it back together. There are hundreds of tiny pieces, but my hazy mind refuses to give in. This is all I have left of her, so I can’t give up. I have to fix the mistakes I made. I have to bring her back.
When my brain finally realizes that my guitar is broken beyond repair, I’m no longer capable of holding in my utter devastation. After gathering the splintered remains close to my decimated heart, I sob uncontrollably about the girl I surrendered my heart to only to have it destroyed as violently as I destroyed the gift she gave me.
Chapter 43
Noah
I’m bitch-slapped from my sleeping state when freezing cold water drenches me head to toe. I attempt to barge past Jacob, but he stays standing solid like a brick wall, blocking my exit from the shower stall. I don’t know why he’s being such a prick, but I do know one thing: I’m not fucking happy about it. I’d throw a punch at him, but I’m so weak, I can barely lift my arm.
“You need to sober up.”
When I glance into Jacob’s eyes, the remorse settled behind them has memories crashing back into me hard and fast.
My beautiful Emily is gone.
As despair overwhelms me, I fall to my knees with a howl. All I can see is her beautiful face. That’s why I’ve been drinking so excessively. I want to forget. The pain is too much. I’m not strong enough to survive this.
I hide my tear-stained face under the now warm water since Jacob turned the faucet to hot. The effort to hide my devastation triples when memories I keep buried with alcohol resurface. The last words we spoke. Our final kiss. They all filter through my mind until they’re torn from my grasp by the realization that I’ll never experience any of those things with her ever again.
She’s gone. Never to be returned. And I’m once again alone.
The sobs hammering me lessen when Jacob sits on the ground outside the shower stall. He braces his back against the soap scum-coated wall before his eyes stray to me. He watches me intently, reminding me that I’m not alone, even though I’ve never felt more isolated.
“Do you want some water?” he asks a short time later.
Unable to speak, I shake my head. My head is pounding, but it has nothing on the pain in the area where my heart once pumped.
“Why Emily, Jake?” My voice wavers when it cracks. “Why did they take her? Why couldn’t they have taken me instead?”
“I don’t know.” Jacob stands to his feet to fill a glass of water. After removing a bottle of Advil from the cabinet, he spins around to face me. “This will help your head.”
He hands me the glass of water and three white tablets. I don’t want to take anything, but the pleading look he’s giving me has me swallowing them without protest.
When I stand from my crouched position, I sway like a leaf on a windy day. I’m not surprised. I shouldn’t be able to stand after how much I drank last night.
As I yank my soaked jeans down my thighs, Jacob exits the bathroom. He’s not giving me privacy. He just wants it to appear that way. He’s been my shadow since Ryan told me what happened to Emily. He knows I can’t be trusted, and in some ways, he’s right.
After dumping my jeans outside the shower stall, I dry myself with a towel before stumbling to the bathroom cabinet. My brows stitch when I soak in the hollow man reflecting back at me. I barely recognize myself. Dark rings are circling my eyes, and thick stubble covers my chin. My face is gaunter than usual, and my pasty skin seems dull compared to my black, soulless eyes.
“Do you remember where we're going today?”
My eyes drift in the direction the voice came from. Jacob has his shoulder propped on the bathroom doorjamb, his eyes revealing his wariness. He’s worried about how I’ll react to his question. It’s been four days since Emily left, and although I haven’t stopped drinking, I know today is the day she’s laid to rest.
Incapable of speaking, I nod before returning my eyes to the vanity mirror. Anger brews in my gut when I scrub my hand over the wiry hair on my jaw. I look repulsive. Thank god Emily never saw me like this, or she would have realized years sooner that she deserved someone better than me, and our time together would have been even shorter.
Wanting to clean myself up for her, I remove a razor from the bathroom cabinet. I glance down at the blade when it sparkles in the bathroom light. It has the same gleam Emily’s eyes held every time she smiled. I’m so captivated by it, I accidentally nick my thumb when I run it over its sharp edge.
When droplets of blood smear on the white porcelain sink, Jacob steps into the bathroom. “Noah...”
He knows me so well. At times, it’s as if he can read my thoughts. I'd be lying if I said I hadn’t considered suicide. That was my immediate thought when Ryan told me what had happened to my beautiful Emily...
With my heart as shattered as Emily’s gift, Jacob took me back to my hotel. The instant we walk into the dated room, he pours me a generous helping of scotch in a plastic cup. I swallow the double shot in one hit, praying it will ease the pain tearing me in two.
It does nothing. Emily’s beautiful face is still everywhere I look.
I go to the liquor cabinet for another shot.
It’s closely followed by another.
And then another.
Once I’ve finished a fifth of scotch, I stagger into the bathroom to take a leak. In my drunken state, I can barely stand, let alone aim, so I not only piss all over the floor, I make a mess of myself as well.
While toeing off my boots so I can remove my soiled jeans, a flashback of Emily holds me hostage. It was of our final night together. We had just finished eating the pizza Crystal bought for us when Emily ushered us into the attached bathroom of her dorm room. She made out her ruse was innocent by washing her hands in the vanity sink, but the look she was giving me was anything but innocent.
With a wink as playful as the gleam in her eyes, she switched off the faucet then spun around to face me, raking her eyes down my half-dressed frame as her teeth got friendly with her lower lip. Even with her long locks tousled from our earlier antics, she was incredibly seductive, and for once, she knew it. Her confidence was the highest I’d ever seen.
Incapable of holding back for a second longer, I entered the bathroom. Her room was incredibly small, but I made my steps half their natural stride to add to the tension brimming in the air. Once I stopped to stand in front of her, I curled my hand around her nape and pulled her delicate lips to mine. The throaty moan she released when our tongues danced in perfect rhythm had my cock bulging through the slit in my boxers.
When Emily stood back, her eyes dropped to the only article of clothing I was wearing. She licked her lips as she unclipped the button stopping my erection from bouncing out of my boxer shorts. Once my cock was freed, she returned her eyes to mine, where they stayed as she placed butterfly kisses down my chest and over my abdomen before lowering herself to her knees so her tongue could trace the V muscle peeking out of my shorts.
I shuddered when her tongue skimmed across my engorged knob. She lapped up the beaded drop at the end before lowering her lips down my shaft. Unlike the slow, steady pace we used the week before, she sucked me hard and fast, bringing me to ecstasy in a shameful amount of time.
Thankfully, with youth on my side, that wasn’t the end of our exchange.
After hoisting Emily from the ground, I spun her around. She clutched the vanity in a white-knuckled hold when I notched in my still rock-hard cock at a speed faster than we usually go. I fucked her from behind, loving that I could watch every expression crossing her face in the vanity mirror. There was nothing more beautiful in the world than Emily’s face in the midst of an orgasm.
When my memory fades, I glance into the mirror in the hotel bathroom. I don’t recognize the man staring back at me. All I see is a worthless shell of a man who is selfish and always puts himself first. Resentment overwhelms me when I realize how I wasted my last months with Emily. If I weren’t so self-centered
, all of this could have been avoided.
I swing hard at the pathetic man standing in front of me, my fists making quick work of the vanity mirror. It shatters into a million pieces, spraying the sink and my feet with dangerous shards of glass.
While gripping the vanity to stay upright, I gulp in some ragged breaths. Unease spreads through me when my eyes lock in on a fragment of glass resting to the right of my hand. I want the pain to stop. I want to be free of the burden, so with my head in lockdown, I gather the glass into my hand and hold it tightly.
It digs into my palm, sending droplets of blood rolling down the cracked sink. I hear Jacob banging on the door. He’s hitting it so fiercely, he’s seconds from breaking it down, so I dig the glass into my wrist. I want to be with Emily. My life isn’t worth living if I have to live without her.
Just as the glass pierces my skin, Jacob barges into the bathroom, splintering the doorframe. He tackles me as he did years ago on the football field, dislodging the glass from my hand in the process. We hit the floor with a sickening thud, the air in my lungs forced out with a brutal grunt.
“Let me fuckin’ go!”
I fight to get away from him, but Jacob is a huge fucker, so no matter how hard I fight, his hold never weakens.
“No, Noah!”
Acting as if I am as light as a feather, he drags me out of the bathroom to throw me onto the hotel bed, which he frantically paces in front of with his fists clenched as tightly as his jaw.
Even with his anger at a level I’ve never seen, I can’t stop. I don’t want to live my miserable life anymore. “Why won’t you just let me go? I can’t do this anymore—”
“Because you're my brother, Noah!” Jacob roars as his sorrow-filled eyes dart to mine. “You can’t leave me because I won’t fucking let you.”
“I have nothing left to live for. They’re all gone.”
The pit in my chest enlarges with each word I speak. The pain of losing everyone I’ve ever loved is crippling me.