“B-But at home, he’s always talking about you, Your Majesty!” I shot back, remembering many dinner conversations. “He’s forever worrying about you and fretting about you—do you have any idea how it hurts to have to see Shinichi-sama like that day after day?!”
“Of course we do not! But tell us, is that true?!”
“Why else would he have come up with a whole song and dance about creating a puppet body double for you?!”
“Hrr—!”
...............And so on. When we weren’t attacking each other with our fists, we were doing it with our words. But we still couldn’t settle who was Shinichi-sama’s “one and only,” the most special person to him. So we resented those who had what we didn’t, burned with jealousy towards them, complained about the advantages of the other two, grieving, as if it would somehow let us finally claim Shinichi-sama’s feelings.
“Significant possibility for mission goals to be accomplished by elimination of obstacles,” someone whispered to me. I had to think Her Majesty and Elvia-san were hearing the same thing.
I didn’t even understand what I was doing anymore. I didn’t know if it was me talking, or someone else. But this much I knew: the words came from me.
“Argh, this will never end!” Her Majesty shouted, and took up a fighting posture.
Elvia-san and I started to move at the same moment.
Bad, bad, bad. I knew things would end up like this.
I dashed into the mansion, groaning to myself as I ran down the hall.
“Huff... Puff...”
I didn’t have a moment to lose. Myusel, Petralka, and Elvia were going at it again in the front yard, for real. Kicking, punching, throwing. You’d never normally see a fight this outrageous outside of an anime or manga. I could see it through the windows as I ran past. If a mere flesh-and-blood human tried to get in the middle of all that, they would be killed instantly. That left Minori-san and Hikaru-san unable to do anything but watch.
But what about me? What should I do? Could I just stand there, chewing my fingernails?
“No, I’ve got to... I’ve got to do something... But...!”
I understood. I knew that deep down, the real reason those girls were fighting was me. Yes, the “forbidden armor” had exacerbated and enabled this, but the real source of their growing frustration was my own dithering attitude. The girls got along so well superficially that I had taken the situation for granted, not fully recognizing how they really felt. So now it was on me to do something about this. But...
Like Minori-san and Hikaru-san said, the simplest and most certain solution would be to just pick one of them. Not necessarily, like, get married to them immediately, but at least declare my love to someone—Myusel, Petralka, or Elvia. Then they would have no more reason to fight. Then they could get the armor off—probably. I hoped.
Yet, pathetically, even at this moment, I just wasn’t capable of picking any one of them. Or to put it another way, I couldn’t shoot down two of them. I remembered all too clearly what it had felt like when I got rejected.
You’re not needed, it had said to me. You’re worthless. Were you so presumptuous as to think that I would want to have anything to do with you for even an instant?
“Anyway...!” I said, diving into my office. The clean, simple solution of picking one of the girls was out. Then I just wouldn’t pick anyone right now. I couldn’t force myself. There was some advice I had given to Petralka once: it’s not good to ignore your problems, but you’ll always regret a rushed decision.
So what to do?
I would have to stop them with force. And if I didn’t have the strength on my own, I would have to borrow some from somewhere. Even if it was somewhere “cursed.”
“Nothing ventured—!”
There were still two boxes in my office, containing two more suits of forbidden armor. I opened the lids; they both looked about the same to me. Like gloves and greaves and other bits of armor all rolled up into a big ball.
But still—they only looked about the same. Close inspection revealed subtly different designs. According to Garius, it was the same with the armor Myusel and the others had put on: functionally similar, but perhaps not identical; we weren’t sure yet. For one thing, the color schemes were different, Myusel’s blue, Petralka’s white, and Elvia’s red.
Ever since this whole thing had started, though, one question had nagged at me. Why only girls? Even if these were just prototypes, it would make sense to have one that worked for guys. Or what if there had been suits for guys, but it just so happened that the one that went nuts in the past belonged to a girl?
The reality was, I hadn’t tested for myself to see if they really didn’t work on guys. Maybe one of these other two would react if I touched it. So I steeled myself, reached out, and put a hand on one of the remaining suits...
(screechy violin crescendo)
And... nothing happened. I waited. Myusel and the others had said the armor reacted the moment they touched it, basically swallowing them up. But this one didn’t do anything. Strike.
But there was one left...
I touched it, waited a moment, but still nothing. Maybe they were both duds.
“Gah, work, dammit, work! Do something! This is an emergency, we’re done for if you don’t move! I never knew magical armor could be so fussy...!” I pounded my fist against the armor. And that’s when it happened.
There was a sort of shloop sound, I thought.
“Hrgh?!”
The globe split open, and suddenly a series of bits and pieces were attaching themselves to me, first from my fist to my elbow, then from my elbow to my shoulder, climbing up along my arm. Like a snake, or a swarm of bugs, parts made of metal and polymers attached themselves to my body, defying gravity to reach me. Then they started covering my lower half, too.
The clothes I was wearing disappeared, schlepped away somewhere, replaced by a perfectly form-fitting black suit that covered me from the neck down. Was it my imagination, or did I feel something like static electricity run along my skin? And then...
“E—Eyowowowow!” I exclaimed. “Ouch, that hurts, what the heck!”
To be more precise, it was my thighs that hurt—or to be even more precise, the thing between them, on which a very uncomfortable pressure was being exerted!
I heard a voice in my head: “This unit is for female use.”
“Guh?!”
I didn’t recognize the voice. There was no one around, and strangest of all, the voice didn’t seem to get to me by vibrating my eardrums. It was like it was reverberating right inside my head. Like telepathy, or if I had suddenly become one of those “denpa” people who claimed to receive mysterious transmissions directly into their minds. But...
“Could that be... the forbidden armor talking...?”
I knew magic made it totally possible to communicate directly with someone’s mind. I did it every day using my interpreter ring.
“Operation by males is recommended only in emergency situations. As an emergency has been asserted, restriction to female-only use has been lifted. Some functions may be unavailable. Please operate carefully.”
“Wh-What’s going on here...?”
“Detailed information requested. Mechanisms related to biological functions: system for disposal of biological excretions malfunctioning. A female excretion-disposal system is fitted to this unit, and is exerting pressure on the male organs.”
“...............You mean...”
“Determination: no concern at this size.”
“.........Uh, so you’re saying...”
“It is not nearly big enough to cause a problem.”
“Lay off already!” I wailed.
So I knew for sure now that this forbidden armor was intended for a woman to use, but because I had insisted it was an emergency, it had managed to adapt itself to me by disabling a few specific systems. And the pain between my legs was because, uh, you know, the toilet or whatever—it was adapted for women, who lac
ked... certain things a man had.
“O......Okay... N-Now I can... help Myusel and the others...!” Still uncomfortably focused on my tenders, I rushed out of my office to break up the fight in the front yard.
Without warning, something came bursting into the middle of our battle. A humanoid form that seemed to crash down out of the sky. The “arm” with which I had lashed out, the similar strike from Her Majesty, and even the leg Elvia-san had thrown up in a kick were all stopped by the figure with a screeching sound of metal. It used both its arms and lifted a leg as well. Almost like an acrobat performing a trick.
And finally...
“Wha...?” I blinked in amazement. The figure—it looked just like us. Someone wearing forbidden armor. It hung off them like a massive puppet, with broad shoulders leading to gigantic arms, and metal legs ensconcing the lower half of the wearer’s body.
And just like us, there was someone inside the armor, their body standing exposed except for a form-fitting suit. It was a boy.
“Shinichi... sama...?”
It was Shinichi-sama.
I took an instinctive step back. Her Majesty lowered her arm as well, and Elvia-san put her foot back on the ground, staring in astonishment. I understood her incredulity: how could Shinichi-sama be wearing armor that was supposed to be only for women?
“Wh... Why...?”
The question came unbidden to my lips. I didn’t know if it meant “Why were you able to put on the armor?” or “Why are you interfering in our battle?”
“Stop... Please, stop...” Shinichi-sama said, the very image of seriousness. “I’m begging you to... stop...” He looked nearly... pitiful. I felt a tightening in my chest—but...
“Shinichi, why do you stop us?!”
“Yeah, what’s goin’ on?!”
“Please don’t get in our way!”
Her Majesty, Elvia-san, and even I exclaimed almost simultaneously. I can’t quite say it was in spite of myself. Yes, it hurt me to see Shinichi-sama looking so sad—or at least part of me. But there was also a part of me that was annoyed to be interrupted.
In the end, this “forbidden armor” was me myself. Another me that I had within. One that I would never normally reveal; one that was mean and selfish but also very sure of what she wanted. The forbidden armor simply brought her to the surface.
Then I flinched, because Her Majesty and Elvia-san had begun to move. They were coming around Shinichi-sama from either side, presumably to launch a concerted attack against me. Caught between them, it would be difficult for me to react. I went to push Shinichi-sama aside so I could deal with Elvia-san...
“Eek?!
But instead, I found myself being pulled forward; someone had a grip on my arm. The world seemed to spin. Then I realized I was standing behind Shinichi-sama. He had moved to put his back to me, protecting me. I could see him through the suit, through a spot with no armor and no supports, and he had never looked so heroic.
He raised his arms and intercepted the blows from Her Majesty and Elvia-san.
“Shinichi-sama...” I felt something hot welling up inside my chest. He had protected me. He had kept me safe.
Me.
“Why do you protect Myusel?!”
“Yeah, no fair, you’re always takin’ her side!”
But Shinichi-sama responded, “You’re wrong!”
“What are we wrong about?!”
“It’s no fair, no fair!”
Her Majesty and Elvia-san attacked Shinichi-sama mercilessly—or perhaps I should say, they tried to attack me, but he was in the way. He deflected every blow. Of course, it was possible in part because we were all wearing forbidden armor. But it was the first time I had ever seen Shinichi-sama fight, not with magic, but with his own hands, and it was inspiring. I could only watch him in awe.
“Petralka! Elvia!” Shinichi-sama called out. That was all, but at the gravity in his voice the others slowed their attacks as if it had had a physical effect on them. In fact, just for an instant, they froze entirely.
Shinichi-sama took advantage of it, spreading his arms wide and... embracing them, armor and all.
Yes, they were all covered with the forbidden armor, which enveloped their arms and shoulders—but somewhere between the two, a bit of their own bodies was exposed, and Shinichi-sama was able to touch Her Majesty and Elvia-san himself.
“Wha—Shin—?!”
“Shini... sama...?!”
I was shocked, too, maybe even more than they were, for I found I could say no words at all. Armor or no armor, I thought this might be the first time Shinichi-sama had hugged either of them.
When Shinichi-sama was sure that the two of them were still, he gradually released them. He took a step back and straightened up.
Maybe that had been his plan all along, to stop them with a hug.
“I’m not protecting just one of you. I’m not taking sides. I just... I just don’t want any of you to be hurt!” Shinichi-sama said, and he had never sounded more truthful.
He looked at Her Majesty, then at Elvia-san, and finally he turned to me. On his face was a look of utmost seriousness. The heat I felt inside me burned hotter when I saw it.
Of course. I should have known. Had known. Shinichi-sama, kind and gentle as he was, would never have wanted us to fight. It could only have hurt him to see it. It was exactly that quality that drew me—drew us—to him so strongly.
We had been forgetting that. We had tried to win Shinichi-sama’s affections by fighting for them, but we had it backwards...
“Shinichi-sama...!”
Ahh! To know someone could be so kind! My vision blurred and I felt a prickling in my nose. Overwhelmed by emotion, I discovered I was flinging myself at Shinichi-sama’s chest. I thought the transparent “screens” that protected our torsos might collide, but to my surprise, there was no sound or feeling of impact; instead it was like water had been pressed against water.
“Shinichi-sama...” I could feel his body heat, dimly. His body was by no means sculpted like that of a knight or soldier who spent his days training, yet it was firmer than my woman’s form, more manly. It felt wonderful, reassuring. I wanted to stay this way forever. Even if I could hardly believe I was thinking that...
“Myus—”
Shinichi-sama’s voice sounded somewhat strained. At the same moment...
“Sexual excitement detected. Registering rapid expansion of male organ. This is producing interference with operations support functions. Initiating emergency functions...”
“Huh...?”
That was the forbidden armor I heard. After listening to it so many times, I was slowly becoming accustomed to its strange turns of phrase. But I didn’t think the voice I was hearing was coming from my armor. Because of the way we were touching, I suspected the voice of Shinichi-sama’s armor was being communicated to me. The words, which sounded very much like Ja-panese, came to me at almost the same moment as their meaning, overlapping directly in my head.
Excitement? Organ? Expansion? Wait—did that mean...?
“L-Look, don’t get the wrong i-idea...” Shinichi-sama said with a hurried shake of his head. “I just...” He backed away quickly, and our “screens” returned to normal. “It’s just instinctive, okay?! It’s totally natural!”
“Wha...?” Her Majesty, Elvia-san, and I all blinked to hear Shinichi-sama’s tone change so suddenly. Was that...?
“Huh?! No, that isn’t—not what I meant! Myusel’s pillow-soft boobs pressed right up against me like that! How could my @&$! not ‘expand’?!”
“Shi-Shinichi-sama...?”
“No! I didn’t mean to say that! Heck, it’s Elvia’s fault for having that luscious, overflowing chest right out there in front of me!”
“...Buh?” Elvia-san’s eyes went round.
“No, no! Petralka’s tiny, totally jiggle-free rack is moe, too! What I wouldn’t give to just cup that in my hand and $&! the &**@ out of it before I *!$# my **$ in there and...”
“W
ha—?” Her Majesty’s mouth just hung open.
“Nooooooo I don’t even mean that!” Shinichi-sama wailed, clutching his head.
And then we realized: the forbidden armor had a way of bringing out what was deep inside a person, feelings they wouldn’t admit to or didn’t even know were there. Meaning... everything Shinichi-sama had said just now...
“Myusel is adorable! But Elvia’s boobs are outta control, and that’s great too, but so is Petralka’s complete smoothness! I can’t choose! And I like you all and you’re all welcome to like me but having you fight like this is a huge pain in the ahhhhh that’s not what I mean! I don’t mean any of it! I don’t want to say any of that, shut up!”
As Shinichi-sama yelped and howled, the three of us could only watch him in silence.
“Choose one? My ass! Sometimes you want Chinese food, and sometimes a nice cheeseburger’s what does it for you, and other days it’s a little sukiyaki! It’s important to keep your options open—hell, I’d like to get with all these chicks for a long time yet! N-No, I don’t mean—ahhhh!”
“.....................”
“.....................”
“.....................”
Elvia-san, Her Majesty, and I all looked at each other. The fever, as they say, had broken. Her Majesty and Elvia-san both looked implacably serious. I can only assume I seemed the same. I believe the Ja-panese otaku had a word for this phenomenon. What was it?
Oh yes. Don-biki. To be completely put off by someone. And...
“Shinichi-kun?” I heard someone call. I turned to see Minori-sama and Hikaru-sama approaching.
“Oh! M-Minori-san, help me! M-My mouth, it’s just talking on its own! And I can’t get my body to move!”
“Ahh... Hm.” Minori-sama had a somewhat inscrutable expression on her face. It was almost a look of pity, like one might give to an upset child one didn’t want to get too close to. Beside her, Hikaru-sama just looked exasperated.
“That’s because it’s built for women,” he said. “You aren’t even supposed to be able to put it on, but since you did anyway, it’s probably caused all sorts of errors.”
Outbreak Company: Volume 13 Page 17