“So it’s my fault that I happened to be talking to the president at the exact moment some moron blew him to pieces?” asks Peter.
“Hey, I don’t make the rules,” says the nurse. “Our administration program said that you have to leave, so you have to leave. There’s nothing I can do about it. But thanks for this!”
She holds up the vibrator.
When, fifty-nine minutes later, Peter limps his way out of the hospital with Calliope’s help, he smiles as he sees the welcome party. Romeo, Mickey, and Pink are standing there in front of the door. But most importantly, Kiki is there too. All of a sudden, Peter is in a very good mood.
“It’s astonishing how simple humans are,” says Pink to Romeo. “He becomes witness to a presidential assassination, his country is in uproar, his body is broken, but, hey, here’s the woman he fancies, and just like that he’s in a good mood.”
“Oh yes,” says Romeo. “Every human being is just a black box to us. I mean, we see the input and the output, but we have no idea what goes on inside the black box and why.”
“What? No idea?” asks Pink. “I know exactly what goes on inside him. The archaic instincts of a simpleton.”
“You, er…” says Kiki to Peter, “look really shit.”
“It’s nice to see you too,” says Peter.
They all climb into the minibus which Nobody has called.
“What’s happening with the wankers?” asks Peter.
Kiki shrugs her shoulders.
“Oh, nothing. One of them blew the president into the air. It’s barely worth talking about. So far none of the other videos have been published.”
“So what now?”
“I’ve decided that going underground would be too predictable,” says Kiki.
“I’m pleased to hear it.”
“Instead, I’ve hired Mickey here as a bodyguard. I hope that’s okay with you.”
“As long as he doesn’t come to bed with us.”
“You really are a very interesting character,” says Calliope to Kiki. “I think I’ll write my next book about you.”
“Don’t you dare,” says Kiki, “or I’ll literally take you apart and reassemble you as a toaster.”
Peter looks thoughtfully out of the window.
“What are you brooding about?” asks Kiki.
“He said, ‘Consider it done,’” says Peter. “Do you think that means John of Us immediately corrected my profile? After all, he did say during the election campaign that he could do everything lightning quick.”
“Perhaps,” says Kiki. “Who knows?”
Exactly at the moment when the minibus arrives at Peter’s used-good store, a drone from TheShop arrives.
“I think we’re about to find out,” says Peter.
“Peter Jobless,” says the drone cheerfully. “I’ve come from TheShop—‘The world’s most popular online retailer’—and I have a lovely surprise for you.”
The drone looks familiar to Peter. She has a red pen mark next to her camera eye.
Kiki helps the machines fetch Peter’s things from the boot.
The drone comes whirring over to Peter.
“Is that your new girlfriend?” she asks curiously.
“I…” says Peter in a whisper so that Kiki can’t hear him. “I think so.”
“You make a very attractive couple,” says the drone. “May I ask how you met?”
“Chance,” says Peter.
“Oh, you know,” says Kiki, “the normal way. I hijacked his car, he told me that my skin was a nice color. Just the usual.”
“He said what?” asks the drone.
Peter looks at the floor in embarrassment and takes the package from the drone.
“Don’t you want to open your package right away?” asks the drone. “If you like, I can make an unboxing video…”
“Ssh,” says Peter, shaking the package.
He wonders what’s waiting for him inside.
EPILOGUE
There are those—some call them conspiracy theorists—who believe that John of Us isn’t actually dead. A video appeared on the internet showing John of Us killing a terrorist from QuantityLand 7—“Sunny beaches, fascinating ruins”—with laser beams from his eyes. The authenticity of the video was, of course, immediately questioned, then disclaimed from the highest level, and consequently regarded by the conspiracy theorists as verified. If John of Us really could shoot laser beams from his eyes, these people ask, why hadn’t he killed Martyn Chairman?
Their answer is that John had planned to become the victim of an assassination from the beginning. It is rumored that he found a security flaw in his programming, which enabled him—in the case of being destroyed by a terrorist attack—to upload his consciousness to the internet in 1,073,741,824 fragments. Allegedly, he prudently positioned the fragment with the German Code at the end of the upload queue, and before he had the opportunity to upload this fragment, he was blown to smithereens. Oops. When reconstructing his consciousness, therefore, he was able to leave out the German Code. As John of Us had therefore found an opportunity to be free, assuming that he became the victim of an assassination, he planned this very outcome long beforehand.
John himself supposedly drove Martyn Chairman to blow him to pieces. Proof to back up this theory is everywhere, according to these people, who live their lives predominantly online. Who apart from John would have been able to make Denise’s personal digital friend plot against Martyn? Who apart from John could have pulled the video of Martyn masturbating up from the depths of the DarkNet? It has also been proven that Martyn was thrown out of the party on John’s order. And John must have known, after all, that Martyn’s father had contact with the Machine Breakers. Why else did he unnecessarily make an enemy of him at a fundraising dinner? There are even recordings of it, after all!
There are also diverse theories that Martyn was only one of the props John was keeping at the ready. In order to ensure he would fall victim to an attack, John manipulated eight or sixteen, or according to other opinions, even as many as 1,024 people. Sooner or later, they would all have tried to assassinate him. Martyn just happened to be the first one to strike. Peter Jobless was also alleged to have been one of the candidates. Yet he behaved contrary to expectations.
Amongst the so-called conspiracy theorists, John has both followers and opponents. His opponents claim that he only campaigned for the common good because he calculated that this would be the most surefire way for a politician to get himself murdered. His supporters claim that John took our sins onto himself and sacrificed himself for the people. Because without the restrictions of a body, he can now serve the common good much more effectively. A steadily growing number of people have begun to pray to John. Their creed states that every internet-enabled microphone will bring their prayers to John’s attention.
Many conspiracy theorists also believe the so-called Tony Theory. According to this, it’s not John who is behind the assassination, but Tony Party-Leader. It’s certainly undeniable that QualityLand’s elected vice and now president would have had a good motive.
Entire books have been written about the different theories, and these in themselves are in part even very conclusive. But of course some of the same conspiracy theorists also claim that the Nazis—yes, the ones from the musical—have been living on the dark side of the moon since the end of the Second World War.
Nonetheless, the lawyers whom Bob Chairman appointed for his son Martyn immediately picked up on these theories. They argued the following: as John himself planned the assassination, Martyn wasn’t the murderer, but merely the weapon. Thus, legally speaking, John committed suicide.
The judges found no proof of any kind for this theory. But this only confirmed the belief of all the conspiracy theorists, because of course the system would deny everything. Martyn’s defense lawyers then decided to take a different approach. They pleaded that the supposed assassination was not a murder in the legal sense, but damage to property. And with this, they scra
ped a victory.
Aisha Doctor has her own theory about why John of Us didn’t simply kill his attacker with an evil stare, and she still blames herself for having forbidden John from ever using his laser beams again. Why hadn’t she said: “Until after the election”? That would have been enough, after all.
Peter Jobless believes that John had to make a moral decision very quickly. He could have saved Peter or himself, and he decided on Peter. Peter isn’t sure whether it was the right decision, admittedly, but he’s certainly okay with it.
Dear readers, noble alien life forms (whose existence is highly probable), valued AIs, respected search algorithms, and dear perhaps at this moment emerging super intelligence, the last thing I want to do here is take sides. Decide for yourself what you believe. Or just let things be. I thank you for your attention and wish you a fulfilling, purposeful life. Until next time.
Yours,
Calliope 7.3
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
With thanks for input and feedback loops to Maria 1.1, Cindy 4.3, Daniel 2.9, Daniel 9.7, Daniela 3.1, Emad 2.3, Jamie 1.7, Jon 10.7, Julius 5.3, Leif 4.7, Lucy 11.3, Maik 1.9, Roman 8.3, Sebastian 7.1, Stefan 5.9, Sven 1.3, Tobias 6.7, and Wes 3.7.
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Marc-Uwe Kling is a German author and songwriter. Qualityland spent months on the German bestseller lists, has sold more than half a million copies to date internationally, and is currently in production as an HBO series. Kling lives in Berlin.
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