by R. R. Vane
Her mother stared intently away from Judith, as if not seeing her, and enwrapped in thoughts of her own.
“So we shall leave as soon as can be, away from here! To the safe haven this convent is!” she said, with deep feeling.
“You’ll have me seek a convent?” Judith asked in full wonder.
“Certainly. It is the best thing for you, and you’ll come to see I’m right. At one time, when you were very young, I even spoke of it to your father, and he just bellowed at me in anger. I was wrong to bend to his will at the time. Marriage is not for you. I raised you to be gentle and caring.”
Judith simply stared at her mother, who was now completely wrapped up in her thoughts of keeping her daughter from the world outside. And she closed her eyes in sheer weariness, because she finally understood all she’d failed to see for all these years. Her mother did not truly see her. She never had. She only saw her own desires and plans of happiness, uncaring her daughter loved the man she’d married, uncaring of Judith’s own wishes and dreams, and thinking them misguided and unworthy. Yet, Judith also understood, in her own way, just like her father, her mother loved her and wanted what she thought best for her. It was only that her mother couldn’t ever understand that what she wanted wasn’t what was best for Judith.
“Redmore is the best place for me. And marriage is the best thing for me, Mother. I love my home. And I love Tristram. I’ve come to see that Tristram loves me. And from now on I shall strive to think myself worthy of his love. This is my home, and it cannot be otherwise!” she spoke the words gently, kissing her mother’s forehead.
Lady Fenice pushed her away, and tears of rage soon started to fall upon her cheeks.
“He’s turned you against me, the fiend! I can see now you believe the lies he’s weaved. Oh, Edith was right all along! She told me you might never wish to leave this place. Yet I will!”
Judith tried to plead with her mother, but it seemed that at this time the lady Fenice had become too distraught to speak, and Judith understood it was to no avail to attempt to reason with her. She left the solar, telling herself she would resume the talk and make her mother understand this place would always be better than a priory.
Chapter 22
Judith did not set eyes upon her husband for the rest of the day, yet she resolved her course was set. She had erred grievously towards him, and she now vowed to herself to seek his forgiveness and never to pass wrong judgement upon him again. Her grief over the hurt she’d caused was mixed with the joy she was loved in return. Tristram did love her, and this meant there was the shadow of a hope things could be mended between them, once she told him of her love and remorse.
Still, she simply stirred in pain to think of what Tristram had endured for her sake. Not only had he borne a painful, humiliating flogging which, she now fully understood, had been meant for her, he also had received the penance of the hair shirt she’d seen him wear this Friday. Judith now understood this penance must also be for her sake. And she started asking herself whether she should tell Tristram that she would gladly wear it from now on. Still – her whole being revolted against the thing when she sought it out in Tristram’s garment chest. In her eyes, it was an ugly, vicious thing which had tormented her Tristram, and no matter how guilty she felt towards her husband, this ugly thing had no place in their lives from now on.
Resolutely, with a servant’s help, she busied herself to kindle a fire in the hearth. The servant looked at her askance, because it was August, but he assisted his mistress with what was required of him. When she’d thanked and dismissed the servant, Judith simply proceeded to throw the penance shirt into the fire, her nostrils filling with the pungent smell of it as soon as it started to burn. She looked at it for a while in grim satisfaction, not stirring when she heard the door and footsteps behind her. When she turned, Tristram was staring at her with a hard expression on his beautiful face.
“I thought you were gone from the chamber,” he said tersely, and turned to leave.
“Wait!” Judith cried, pulling her shoulders back. “The penance shirt...”
Her words stopped Tristram in his tracks, but he didn’t turn to look at her.
“I burnt it,” Judith said striving to keep her voice level.
Tight-lipped and pale, Tristram returned to stare at the hearth and at the burnt remains of the instrument of his penance. When he turned to look upon Judith, his dark eyes were pitch-black against the white skin of his face.
“If you think you can make me foresworn, you are mistaken. I always keep vows. You burnt this one, I’ll have another made,” he said in a voice which was utterly cold.
Judith held herself straight, staring at him without flinching.
“I do not care at all for the vow you must have made in front of men who mean nothing to me,” she said laying emphasis on every word she uttered. “God is wise, and does not wish for people to suffer unjustly. The penance is unjust, and it stops now. If there’s someone who deserves a penance for what happened between us, I am the one. I take it fully upon myself. And it’s only upon you to bestow it on me.”
“I will chastise you for this. But then I’ll keep my vow,” Tristram said in the same cold voice.
“Fine. And I will burn the next penance shirt you mean to wear. And then the next,” Judith said with a shrug. “Chastise me all you wish!”
“You’re saying so now, but we shall see,” he countered.
“If you are looking for the birch, it still lies in the corner where you last tossed it,” Judith told him, feeling light-hearted and unconcerned.
She would bear his anger and whatever punishment he resolved she deserved for having doubted his love. Yet she would never bear that he should suffer for her sake ever again. Still, there were things which needed to be said before she accepted her punishment.
“Before you chastise me, I need to say true words it’s best to utter before the punishment,” Judith said and her voice sounded firm and self-assured.
Tristram tried to still his laboured breathing, understanding Judith now meant to stir his anger. He clenched his fists, knowing too well the next words his wife would utter would still be words of sheer defiance. However, it was not words of defiance that Judith spoke to him now.
“I beg forgiveness. And I’m not doing so in order to escape your punishment. In fact, I welcome whatever you wish to bestow upon me.”
She bowed her head humbly, and although Tristram had kept telling himself he would rejoice in seeing Judith truly humbled, it made him uneasy to think he was the one who’d brought her to this state. She kept her eyes downcast for a long while, her body still, her hands clasped and her head still lowered in humility in front of him.
“Look at me, wife!” he ended up telling her artlessly, not knowing what else to say.
He would always love her. And no matter how hard he’d tried to tell himself he no longer cared for her, the truth was different. She would always have his heart, however little she actually cared for him – that was a thing not even God above could change.
“Forgive me, husband!” Judith now entreated him, and her melodious voice sounded so heart-breaking that Tristram simply wanted to weep.
He’d fancied hearing the words so many times before, because he’d been so angry with her for how she’d behaved. Yet once she’d spoken the words, he found he was the one who was supposed to ask for her forgiveness. He’d been harsh to her and ungentle. Through his disdain, he’d sought to punish her for spurning his love, but she was not to blame for not loving him. He was the one to blame for loving her and for clinging so stubbornly to that love.
“Hush,” he muttered. “These are not words I wish to hear from your lips.”
“I see. It’s different words you want to hear, and I know now what they are. I should have spoken them sooner. Far sooner than this! I love you.”
He turned his gaze away from her, hating the way his heart started to thump like mad when she uttered the words he’d always craved to hear.
And then he stared at her, unable to look away. The way she’d spoken the words in the voice he would never have enough of hearing… they rang true. Did they ring true only because he wished them to be true?
“I love you,” Judith repeated in a steady voice. “For so long I believed myself unworthy of your love. So I made myself unworthy of it. And this is how I behaved. I doubted you. I was afraid to tell you of my love, and I was too blind to see what plainly lay in front of me. But if you think I can make myself worthy of your love again, then I…”
Tristram closed the distance between them in two quick strides. He took his wife in his arms and kissed her passionately. And he spoke against her lips urgently.
“You’re never to say such things again!”
“What? You do not ever want me to say I love you?” Judith muttered as she languidly pressed herself against him.
He gave a rueful laugh.
“Nay! Not that. That you can tell me as often as you wish. Those other things you said... It is I who need to beg your forgiveness. I truly thought you didn’t love me at all. I was so angry over it. And harsh. And ungentle…”
Judith shook her head, and her hand came to cup his cheek.
“Harsh perhaps, but never ungentle,” she said, bestowing an ardent kiss upon his lips.
Their loving afterwards was very sweet, and Tristram found himself recalling all those times he’d spanked her hard. He had been ungentle to Judith, no matter what she said. At the time, he’d told himself the spankings meant to ensure her obedience were the only way to make his cousin and those around them believe his wife had been well and duly chastened. Still, he had revelled in those punishments. It was a thing he needed to confess to her.
“I was ungentle. I spanked you hard and made you sob in pain. And I rejoiced in it,” he told her, knowing they would have to be entirely truthful to one another. “I took pleasure in all those times I chastened you.”
Yet, as he said that, he couldn’t help but recall Judith’s own soaking quim after the punishments, and the sounds of rapture which had been mingled with sobs and tears. As if in echo of his thoughts, Judith now muttered, “And I also took pleasure in those…”
Tristram shook his head in some wonder, and then burst into unrestrained laughter.
“And at first I thought I would be doing such a good job of duly punishing you.”
“But you did,” she retorted.
“Oh, did I?” Tristram purred in turn.
“You know you did,” Judith answered with a smile.
She cupped his face, now looking intently into his eyes.
“And you can still punish me all you wish. Yet there’ll be no more hair shirts in this household. I meant it when I said I’d burn each and every one of them.”
He scowled at her.
“I swore an oath before God,” he said, now looking grim.
“Their God. Your cousin’s God of hatred. Not mine or yours,” Judith said quietly. “You know too well I’m right.”
He closed his eyes, knowing indeed men of his cousin’s ilk would think Judith’s words heresy. Still, he knew deep within himself that she had the right of it. He felt free of the penance. To him, it had been in truth a penance he’d upheld in order to punish himself for the love he’d lost. Yet now that love had been regained.
“Fine. No more hair shirts,” he found himself muttering.
Judith beamed at him and he cocked an eyebrow at her. Now, unlike other times, they found themselves in agreement, and he was no longer used to being in agreement with his wife.
“I begin to be half sorry we’re reconciled. Now it will be hard to find excuses to chastise you,” he told her with a smile which was half wicked and half wistful.
“You still love games, don’t you?” Judith countered, with a faint smile on her lips. “Don’t tell me you don’t. You always have!”
“So, wife, you’re saying you will wish to play that game with me? The game of chastisement?”
“I am!”
“Yet there will be not only pleasure, but also pain for you in it. I do not think I’ll be able to help spanking you hard. It may be sinful of me, but I’ve come to take delight in it,”
“Both pain and pleasure mingled,” Judith mused. “Isn’t that what life always is? Both pain and pleasure?”
“At times,” Tristram nodded.
“Then we should play the game at times,” Judith nodded in her turn. “Strange as it is, it is a game we have both come to enjoy. It is, after all, a game of love.”
Tristram smiled faintly, understanding she was right. It was a strange game. Yet love was strange at times.
“I suppose I knew I loved you from the first moment I heard your voice,” he said. “It is a strange thing indeed. Like the love philtre which compelled Tristan to love his Yseult. Something I simply felt from the start and could not ever help. But I suspect you didn’t love me from the start. Perhaps it was my own fault for not courting you properly. You were too young, and had not had time to get accustomed to things other than your home. And then misfortunes happened which prevented us from being with one another, and when at last we were together again, I found you pushing me away. Was it because you didn’t love me at the time that you sought to annul our marriage?” he asked.
Judith had promised to be entirely truthful to her husband.
“I was in love with you from the first. Like a fanciful child. But I suppose that being in love is not the same thing as loving. I really learned to love you as time went by. And, in truth, I sought to annul our bond out of misguided jealousy. I thought you loved another. I simply couldn’t bear it and I didn’t even seek to ask you if there was true cause for my jealousy.”
Tristram sat up and looked at her in sheer puzzlement.
“Why would you ever think I loved another? I have always been true to you! Even during the year we were estranged. Even when I tried to think upon other women, I could not help it. I could not help always keeping faith with you!”
Judith felt even more wretched for having mistrusted her husband so. She now vowed she would make things up to him, and be forever the best of wives.
“It was wrong of me to misjudge you without giving you a chance to defend yourself. And we both know it is a grievous error you should chastise me for.”
She laced both repentance and teasing in her voice.
“And let us not forget you did burn my penance shirt. In full defiance,” Tristram added.
He grinned at her broadly as he uttered the words, yet he didn’t tarry to place her over his lap.
“It is a good thing you’re already naked, though this does rob me of the pleasure of hoisting your skirts and baring your bottom.”
He spanked her bottom lightly for a while, until Judith felt a pleasant heat all through her body. It was sheer bliss when he began to tend to her quim, just as she lay on his lap. It didn’t take much tending for her sex to clench and pulse in rapture. And she did so, and at the very time of her fierce climax, Tristram began to spank her again, harder than before. It was heated bliss, Judith mused later as she later lay upon her belly, spent and sated, and she had to confess that never had a punishment from him seemed more delicious. Tristram watched her through hooded dark eyes.
“So, wife, you’ve had your bliss. Now it’s my turn.”
“Certainly, my lord,” Judith purred, positioning herself for what she knew would be a good thrust of his already eager cock.
She lifted her bottom at him, setting herself on her elbows and knees, because she well recalled he’d liked to have her this way.
“Stay as you are,” Tristram called to her, yet he strode away from the bed.
Judith frowned in puzzlement, looking at him over her shoulder. What did he mean to do? She blanched, because she now perceived Tristram had presently returned to their bed, carrying in his hand the birch which had lain forgotten in its corner.
“Tristram…” she muttered in alarm.
“Did I say you can look upon
me?” Tristram countered in return and his voice was a mixture of both playful and stern.
“Nay, but…”
“Stay as you were. And stop prattling,” he commanded, and Judith heaved a heartfelt sigh, but complied with what he’d told her.
“You did ask for the birch earlier, didn’t you?” Tristram said, now speaking softly, and beginning to caress the reddened skin of Judith’s buttocks with the birch.
It was a tantalizing sensation, and Judith’s heart began to thump wildly. The birch caressed her skin and she recalled only too well its fierce sting as she’d stood facing the wall after she’d been soundly punished. Did Tristram mean only to tease her with it? Or did he mean to punish her soundly? Judith did not have time to answer the question because Tristram began to birch her bottom lightly. The birching was indeed light, yet soon Judith began to feel that a fiercer sting was building there.
“Tristram,” she said rather plaintively, and Tristram paused, and spoke to her in a lazy voice.
“Your behind is already somewhat striped from the birch. Faint, reddish stripes all over your plump buttocks and thighs.”
His talk already kindled a fire between Judith’s legs and she found herself thrusting her bottom further towards him, hoping he would soon enter her and sate her maddening lust.
“So eager for my punishment, wife…”
Now Tristram birched her bottom hard, making Judith arch her back in sheer surprise and pain, as a stab of deep pleasure coursed through her.
“Oh, husband, it stings so,” she complained in both pain and rapture.
Soon she had cause to smile, because she heard Tristram simply tossing away the birch and had occasion to feel him thrust deep inside her, loving her hard and savagely, with one of his hands buried into her long dark hair. However, Tristram didn’t seem to sate his lust for chastisement, not even after they were both done and spent. Instead, he put her again over his knee for a new spanking which stung even worse, because her bottom was already red and tender, both from his birching and from the way he’d loved her from behind.