by Mark E Smith
What's to eat?
DOUGLAS
All gone I'm afraid.
MACFISK
What?
ALUN
Yer didnae wait? Yer didnae think to save us some?
PATRICK
Thought you might not be coming.
MACFISK
We agreed to meet here.
DOUGLAS
You didnae turn up.
MACFISK
We've turned up now!
DAVIE
Too late.
MACFISK
Aye. But why is it too late?
PATRICK
Coz all the food is gone.
Beat.
ARTHUR
I have an apple you can share.
ARTHUR produces an apple from an inside pocket then pulls out a knife.
ALUN
An apple?
ARTHUR
Half an apple. Each.
ALUN flops down by the bonfire.
ALUN
Aye go on.
ARTHUR slices the apple in half, then offers half to MACFISK. MACFISK stares at it for a moment then takes it. ARTHUR passes the other half to ALUN. MACFISK bites into it and pulls a face.
MACFISK
Damn! That's tart!
ARTHUR
Aye. Reckon it's a cooking apple.
The other men chuckle. The infuriated MACFISK throws the apple half into the fire. It sprays up sparks then hisses loudly in amongst the red glowing logs.
CUT TO:
EXT. – CLARE’S FARMHOUSE – DAY
GRAMS: SOUND OF BAND REHEARSING
Establishing shot of the building and out houses.
CUT TO:
INT. – STUDIO CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GRAMS: TRACK FOUR by THE FALL
Through the window, we can see the band tuning up etc.
CLARE is threading a tape onto the reel to reel recorder. Through the glass we can see the band running through a number. MARK is sitting on the sofa, sorting through some hand written sheets of A4 paper.
JEFF comes in with a tray of coffees. JEFF is a little star struck by MARK, but he does his best to hide it.
JEFF
Hi Mark.
MARK
A’right.
JEFF
Jeff. I'm Clare's sister. Brother! We've met a few times before. After gigs and that.
MARK
Oh right yeah, I remember. How are you?
JEFF
Yeah I'm all right thanks. You?
MARK
Very good actually.
JEFF
Great.
JEFF passes a coffee to CLARE.
JEFF (CONT’D)
There you go.
CLARE
Thanks love.
JEFF stands awkwardly for a moment. He wants to talk further, but MARK has returned to looking through his lyric notes. JEFF makes for the door. MARK looks up.
MARK
Jeff?
JEFF pauses and turns around.
JEFF
Yeah?
MARK
You don't know where we can get any whizz do you?
JEFF
Speed? Erm, yeah, I might actually.
MARK smiles.
CUT TO:
EXT. – FIELD – DAY
A small HERD of COWS are gathered around a large metal feeding trough, munching on feed.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT: MACFISK and ALUN stand watching.
ALUN
Yer ganna do it then or what?
MACFISK
Aye. Aye I am.
MACFISK approaches the COWS cautiously. He slips between a couple of them and pushes his way to the edge of the trough. He reaches into his satchel and pulls out a handful of white pellets and tosses them in with the feed. Then another handful.
C.U. on the COWS munching the pellets in with the feed.
MACFISK struggles to get away from between the tightly packed COWS but finally manages it.
MACFISK (CONT’D)
Does nae seem right.
ALUN
What?
MACFISK
These lassies are blameless. They shouldnee have to suffer.
ALUN
Animals do nae suffer man. They live, they die.
MACFISK
Sure everything suffers. Only thing ye need fae sufferin’ is being alive in the first place.
ALUN
Too late to worry now.
MACFISK and ALUN watch as the COWS munch on the pellets and the feed.
PULL FOCUS TO REVEAL a distant FIGURE watching them from the other side of the dry stone wall at the far edge of the field.
CUT TO REVEAL it's MARY the old folk singer. She stands watching them, in her hand is her guitar case. She shakes her head and walks away down the road. As she does so she begins to whistle the refrain from ‘Lo! The Bird Has Fallen’.
CUT TO MACFISK and ALUN by the COWS. They react to the sound of the distant whistling as if to an incredibly loud piercing noise. Both men wince and plug their ears with their fingers. The sound is overpowering. MACFISK falls to his knees in pain.
HARD CUT TO:
INT. – LIVE ROOM – DAY
GRAMS: THE FALL – ‘INSTRUMENTAL 2’ (00:00)
THE FALL are playing.
After a couple of minutes, the sound of a revving motorbike engine fades in and drowns out the music
CUT TO:
INT. – GARAGE – DAY
The engine sound continues. C.U. on a motorbike engine.
CUT TO REVEAL LEN standing with the bike. He's revving the engine and listening to it. After a moment, the garage door opens and JEFF enters. LEN sees him but continues to rev the engine for a few moments longer. Finally he stops.
JEFF
All right?
LEN
(grunts)
Aye. Just listening.
JEFF stands admiring the bike.
JEFF
Beautiful machine.
LEN
I know. When you getting your own bike then? Can't be a Son of a Witch without a bike.
JEFF
Soon as I get some cash.
LEN
And your helmet.
JEFF
Yeah, sure. Mark asked if there was anywhere to get some speed. And I thought you might erm, have some leads?
LEN
Course. I'll just make a call.
LEN takes out his mobile taps at it, puts it to his ear and waits. After a moment he hears someone pick up.
LEN (CONT’D)
Can I speak to Councillor Nicholls please?
LEN waits a moment. JEFF looks on a little bemused.
LEN (CONT’D)
Evening Councillor, it's Len. Yeah, not bad. You got any speed? Great ta. Yeah, a mate o’ mine'll be over to pick it up. Thanks Councillor.
LEN pockets his mobile.
LEN (CONT’D)
Sorted.
JEFF
A Councillor? Wow. Thanks.
LEN
No problem. Anything for a fellow Son of a Witch.
JEFF gives LEN a semi-relaxed smile.
CUT TO:
EXT. – COUNTRY ROAD – NIGHT
The Honda Accord is driving around the darkened roads. We see JEFF and MARK through the windows.
CUT TO:
INT. – BEV’S CAR – NIGHT
JEFF is driving, MARK is in the passenger seat.
MARK
A councillor? Selling speed?
JEFF
That's what Len says.
MARK
Doesn't surprise me to be honest. He's probably just supplementing his wages.
Beat.
JEFF
I remember when I were a kid, I used to think grown ups were always good. Never did owt wrong.
JEFF shakes his head.
JEFF (CONT’D)
Turns out we all do stuff that's wrong pretty much every day.
MARK
What you going on about?
; JEFF
Sorry. Nothing.
They drive on.
CUT TO:
EXT. – COUNTRY HOUSE – NIGHT
A large detached, double fronted Victorian house, set back from the road with a short gravel drive.
The car drives in through the gateway and up to the house. There's a BMW parked up outside.
MARK and JEFF get out of the car and walk up the marble steps. JEFF rings the doorbell. After a couple of seconds, the porch light comes on. A moment later, the door opens to reveal NICHOLLS. He's late 30's, seriously overweight and balding with a dark beard and glasses. In one hand he has a can of lager, in the other a cigar. And, apart from a chunky gold watch, he's also completely naked. JEFF is slightly taken aback. MARK appears unruffled.
NICHOLLS
Well?
JEFF
Councillor Nicholls?
NICHOLLS
I have that honour.
MARK
Apparently you can sort out some whizz for us?
NICHOLLS
Not a problem gentlemen.
In you come.
NICHOLLS steps to one side and waves them in. JEFF and MARK walk inside.
CUT TO:
INT. – NICHOLLS’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
MARK and JEFF enter, the naked NICHOLLS follows them. JEFF can't help raising an eyebrow at the sight which greets them. The large room is decorated and furnished in the way one would expect of a wealthy Tory councillor's country house.
JACK (18) a lad in skater wear is sitting with headphones on, playing a violent video game on the wide screen TV.
There's DIANE – a large middle aged woman on the sofa. She wears sensible clothes and is knitting a scarf.
There are also two glamorous ESCORT GIRLS dressed only in lingerie who are chopping out lines on a 12” album sleeve on the coffee table. It seems like DIANE and JACK are oblivious to the ESCORT GIRLS. No one looks up to acknowledge MARK and JEFF.
NICHOLLS
This is Diane.
MARK
A’right love.
DIANE looks up, gives a brief nod and returns to knitting.
NICHOLLS
That there's our Jack.
The oblivious JACK continues playing his game.
NICHOLLS (CONT’D)
(gestures to girls)
And this is Natalie and… Sheena?
1ST ESCORT GIRL
Shareena.
JEFF
Hello.
MARK
A’right girls?
2ND ESCORT GIRL
Hi.
The ESCORT GIRLS smile at them.
NICHOLLS
Make yourselves at home gents.
JEFF takes a seat next to DIANE and MARK sits in an armchair. NICHOLLS goes over to the ESCORT GIRLS and snorts a line. MARK lights a cigarette. JEFF looks uncomfortable.
CUT TO:
INT. – SPARE ROOM – NIGHT
BEV is changing the bedding on the bed. She shakes out a big bed sheet. A knock at the door.
BEV
Come in.
LEN enters. BEV doesn't want to see him but conceals this.
BEV (CONT’D)
Hi.
LEN
What you up to?
BEV gestures semi-sarcastically to the sheets.
BEV
Changing the sheets.
LEN
I'll give you a hand.
LEN closes the door and walks over.
BEV
No, it's fine.
LEN
Let me help you.
BEV
Honestly, you don't have to.
LEN
Seriously, I think you could benefit from some help in
the bedroom.
BEV
(suddenly tough)
What?
LEN
Come on. The walls aren't that thick here. I would of heard if you and wonder boy had done any shagging.
BEV
That what you into is it? Listening?
LEN
I know Jeff can't give you what you need.
BEV
I don't need anything thanks.
BEV holds up her index finger and middle finger.
BEV (CONT’D)
I'm self sufficient.
LEN
I reckon you've forgotten what it's like to be with a real man.
LEN makes to stroke her breast but she bats his hand away.
BEV
No.
LEN
You think you're too good for me.
BEV
Yes. I do. In fact, I think all women are too good for you. Now please get out.
LEN
This is my house Bev.
BEV
As I understand it, it's Clare's house. Now go, or I'll start screaming.
LEN
I'd enjoy hearing you scream.
LEN starts trying to kiss and grope her, forcing her back against the dressing table. BEV struggles against his superior size and bulk.
C.U. on the surface of the dressing table. BEV's HAND grabs a pair of hair dressing scissors.
BEV plunges the scissors into the top of LEN's bare arm! LEN gasps in pain and releases BEV. He steps back, we see the scissor handles protruding from the top of his arm.
LEN (CONT’D)
You bitch!
LEN steels himself then pulls out the scissors. BEV fixes him with a steely glare.
BEV
‘No’ means no. So I expect you can guess what ‘fuck off’ means.
LEN keeps his hand pressed over his wound as he backs towards the door.
LEN
I'm still gonna have you Bev. You fuckin’ wait.
LEN gives her a final glare then exits.
SLOW ZOOM INTO C.U. on BEV's face. She exhales in slight relief, but her face is moist eyed and unnerved.
CUT TO:
EXT. – COUNTRY HOUSE – NIGHT
ESTABLISHING SHOT. PULL BACK TO REVEAL the Jacobites ARTHUR and DAVIE standing looking up at the house. DAVIE holds a flaming torch.
C.U. on ARTHUR's face. We see the flicking flames of the torch reflected in the cracked lens of his spectacles.
CUT TO:
INT. – NICHOLLS’S LOUNGE – NIGHT
E.C.U. on a violent video game image on the TV screen. PULL BACK & REVEAL JACK is still playing the game. JEFF is next to the knitting DIANE. MARK smokes a fag in the armchair. NICHOLLS is sorting out some bags of speed from a tupperware container. The ESCORT GIRLS do another line of coke from a 12” album sleeve. The 1st ESCORT GIRL picks up the album and takes it to NICHOLLS, passing him a rolled up tenner.
As he snorts a line, we see the album sleeve is ‘Tago Mago’ by Can. NICHOLLS offers the sleeve to JEFF. JEFF takes it, does half a line then hesitantly offers it to DIANE. She gives a tiny shake of her head. JEFF offers the sleeve to MARK.
JEFF
Mark?
MARK
Ta.
MARK does a line.
NICHOLLS
You up with Len at the old Fullerton farm then?
JEFF
(nods)
My sister's converted it into a recording studio.
NICHOLLS
One of the oldest buildings ‘round here that.
JEFF
How old's this place?
NICHOLLS
This house was built in 1777. On the site of an older house, which was burnt down by the Jacobites in 1745.