by E. Reltso
CHAPTER THREE
THE BILLIONAIRE WITHOUT HEIRS AND HIS SEARCH
FOR A WORTHY SUCCESSOR
There once was an old billionaire without any heirs who decided he had to do something with all his money before he kicked the bucket. He thought of leaving it all to his cat, but when she chewed up his favorite pair of disco socks he changed his mind. Then he thought of using it to create a foundation for the preservation of annoying insects, but decided against it after a wave of roaches invaded his kitchen.
Then he hit on a sure fire idea. He had recently heard of an amnesia drug that made people forget everything for one month. He decided to create a little village on the back 100 acres behind his mansion where he would conduct a test to see who would be worthy enough to inherit his billions. He would then advertise for 500 volunteers willing to assume any risk to get his money (he got 500,000 volunteers the first day of his ad. Wanting to be as fair as possible in reducing the number to 500, he decided to accept only those with the letter ‘k’ as the third letter of their last name).
The plan was that the 500 volunteers would each be given the amnesia drug, and so would forget who they were for a month. He would put them in the village and watch them secretly to see who behaved the best and was the most deserving to inherit his billions. Since they had forgotten who they were or why they were there, their true characters would come out. If they all did well, he would split it with all of them. If only a few did well, then only they would get it. The ones who did well could also move to the mansion to live the rest of their lives with the billionaire.
However, he didn’t intend to leave them completely in the dark. Each person in the village would be given a million dollars of monopoly money and told they could spend it in the village among each other any way they liked. They would also be told that they would only be there for one month, and after that the monopoly money wouldn’t be any good. Those who had done well would get billions of dollars of real money from the billionaire who was in charge of this whole deal, and would be let out of the village where they could go spend it in the ‘real world.’
Because the billionaire didn’t want anyone to get hurt, they were all given a little rule book about how they should behave and treat each other. It told plainly about the billionaire and his whole plan, and said obvious things like, “be nice,” or “be generous.” Meanwhile, the billionaire stocked the little village with decent homes and little golf carts for the people to get around in. He also provided food stores for them to buy their food at. He wanted to see how they would treat each other, and how sensible they would be in their spending habits with the monopoly money.
Once everything was ready, the 500 lucky persons were brought to the village and given the drug. Every one of them was thrilled to go in, and everyone was convinced they would be the one to win the billionaire’s inheritance.
But things in the village did not go as the billionaire had expected. He watched the 500 contestants on hidden cameras all over the village, and saw that in the first week many of them developed unusual ideas. One enterprising fellow convinced the others that somehow he owned all of the dwellings in the village, so they all had to pay him rent, or give him their entire billion if they wanted to buy a house. Another fellow claimed that he owned all of the golf carts, and started selling them to the others at ridiculous prices. Two other fellows got together in secret and decided to take over the food supply, and increase the food prices so much that within days they’d have most of the money.
But this was not all. Since none of them remembered anything from their lives before, such as how long people normally live, they decided that since they had been told they would only be there one month, they were all going to die at that time. A few of the more ingenious ones set themselves up as religious saviors, claiming that—for a significant fee, of course—they could guarantee the others that they wouldn’t die, or at least that if they did, they would still go on living somehow in another place that was better.
There was a lot of confused thinking in the remainder of the contestants who had not yet figured out some con game to bilk everyone else out of their money. Many of them believed that they really were going to die, and so they might as well live it up with their monopoly money and spend it like it was going out of style. Others weren’t sure whether they would live on after the month, and whether there really was a reward for those who did well just as they had been told in the rule book. It was hard for them to visualize the reward that was waiting for them—it seemed fake or silly or impossible, somehow. After all, many said, what was this ‘big, outside world’ they had been told existed, and why was the ‘real’ money out there, and not in the village? The monopoly money they had in their hands seemed more real and important, no matter how massive and impressive the reward was supposed to be. So in the end, many of these people also just decided to blow their money in riotous living, and forget about the unlikely reward.
As for what the contestants thought of the rule book, many of them just ignored it. The people who believed the 30 days were all they had to live thought the rules were just something silly somebody just made up to get control over them. The nebulous future after the month was over seemed too unreal to be worth the trouble of following the rules. In fact, many didn’t believe in the billionaire at all, since none of them had ever seen him (at least not that they could remember). Others believed the rules were legitimate and the billionaire was there, but thought the rules were advisory guides only and could be bent a little. So, if the rule said something like, “Don’t hit others,” that only meant don’t beat them up so bad they’d pass out or die, or something.
By the end of the first week, most of the money was in the hands of about 10 people, and everybody else was reduced to extreme squalor and poverty. They wandered mindlessly about the streets, slowly starving to death because they couldn’t afford any food, and sleeping outside because they couldn’t afford the rent or house purchase price.
Meanwhile, the fellow claiming to own all the houses was in a feud with the partners claiming to own all the food. Each wanted to bump off the other, so they could take control and proclaim themselves the supreme emperor of the village. When they went at each other with knives and really would have killed each other, the billionaire had to spring a secret trap door he had placed under certain parts of the floor of the house they were in, and take them away from the village so they wouldn’t hurt each other. Their memories were then restored, and they were sent back to their homes to live ever after with the knowledge they had blown their chance at billions.
In the village, the rumors really started to fly after the three guys mysteriously disappeared. Everybody believed that the house guy and food guys had been smitten by God billionaire for their wickedness (which was kind of true), and the same would happen to anyone else who tried to kill someone like they did. But meanwhile, all that money the house guy and food guys had accumulated was sitting unused in their respective houses, and the people wanted it. They just had to figure out a way to get it short of trying to kill each other.
At this point, the golf cart guy stepped in and convinced everyone he had a special gift that allowed him to talk with God billionaire, and God billionaire had told him they could divide up the money equally—as long as everybody gave him (the golf cart guy) half of what they got. Most people liked this idea, but a few thought he was a nut, and tried to set themselves up as king or emperor or dictator or head dude or any other controlling type of name they could think of, after which they would order everyone to give them most of their money.
There were a fair number of squabbles and fights after that, and a few more murder attempts in order to get the monopoly money, so the billionaire had to use his trap doors again and remove a few more people from the village before they killed each other.
By the end of the second week, the village had settled down into a strange sort of peace and order. There were three head dudes who had
most of the money. Each of them had about an equal number of followers, some of whom were slaves they could command to do any degrading thing they wanted, while others were mere low-lifes who just stood around waiting to see what would happen next. The three head dudes hated each other, but knew they would mysteriously disappear if they tried to kill each other, so they tolerated each other’s existence. Between them, they managed to take over and pretty much divide up all the houses, golf carts and food.
At this point, the billionaire figured things weren’t going too good, so maybe he should make his presence known a bit more. But he was afraid he would scare them out of their wits (or worse yet, they might go nuts and try to kill him) if he went into the village. So he went up through one of the trap doors into the house of one of the more reasonable low-lifes and told him he was the billionaire. After the poor guy fainted and fell off his chair into the fireplace, the billionaire pulled him out (only slightly singed) and told him that the rule book was true and should be followed, that the monopoly money really had no lasting value, and that he needed to go tell everyone else to stop being so stupid.
The low life did as he was told, but it didn’t do much good. Most everybody thought he was a nut, even though there were a few who called him a prophet and decided they should do what he said. Some got to thinking the low life was God billionaire himself, and started to worship him and give him monopoly money.
A few enterprising guys when they saw this, started going around claiming they had talked to God billionaire too, and tried to get the people to give them money also. Then things got very confusing, and the original low-life the billionaire had talked to got tired of telling everybody they were stupid and to shape up, and went out on a boat in a little pond in the middle of the village to get away from everyone. He had a bad dream that night, thinking he was swallowed by a whale, and the next day he set up a tent at the edge of the village and waited for God billionaire to come down and destroy them all.
By now, things were really going crazy in the village. Some creative guys had altered the rule book, deleting rules they didn’t like and making new rules that were funner and easier to follow, like, “if you see someone’s money hanging out of their pocket, take it and run away.” Other creative people started trying to make their own monopoly money. Meanwhile, the three head dudes who hated each other decided they didn’t have enough of the monopoly money, and started to tax the people under them to get more of it. It seemed that no one believed anymore that this whole thing was a test—even though they’d been told that repeatedly from the beginning, and it was stated as plain as day in the rule book—and all they cared about was getting as much of the monopoly money as they could, so they could use it to control others.
But there were a few who tired of the chase for monopoly money after a time. Since they believed their lives would end in two weeks (since the first two weeks were now over), and they didn’t think they would go on living after that time, they decided to indulge in all sorts of sick and degraded practices as a way to get cheap thrills. Their philosophy was, ‘Live it up, since you’re just going to die soon anyway.’ Some spent all their time eating; others went around beating people up just for fun; and yet others started doing sensual things with each other that are too indecent to say and which would result in this book being banned if they were written. In order to protect these weirdos from themselves and from each other, the billionaire had to remove many of them through the trap doors, and send them out for psychological counselling.
Through it all, the billionaire had noticed there was one little old lady who didn’t get involved in all the strange stuff that everyone else was doing. She sat quietly each day, knitting various articles of clothing. When some of the slaves or other unfortunates lost their shirts, she would give them the clothes she had knitted. She seemed to be genuinely concerned with people around her. Even though she didn’t have much food (she didn’t waste her money, but food prices were so high--$2000 for a loaf of bread—that she couldn’t buy much), she offered to share what she had with anyone who was hungry. She followed what was written in the rule book, but not because she wanted to get some big reward at the end of it all. Rather, just because that’s the type of person she was. She couldn’t seem to help being kind to others.
Finally, the four weeks were up. On the last day, the few people who were left (a surprising number had been removed by then due to indecent or life threatening behavior) cringed in their houses all day, waiting for what they were sure was certain death that night. The little old lady didn’t seem troubled, though. She calmly kept knitting. About 5 or 6 people had joined her by now (one of them was the guy the billionaire had visited, who had the dream about the whale), and were keeping the rule book rules as well, and trying to treat each other better. Some of them secretly still thought she was a bit looney, but decided they’d stick it out with her just in case she was on to something.
That night, the drug wore off at last. Everybody got up from where they had been cringing and waiting to die, and looked at each other with sheepish grins on their faces. They remembered now why they were there, and what was going on. But even though they had made it through without having to be pulled out through a trap door, the billionaire wasn’t very impressed with most of them. Although they had made it through, the reality was they just hadn’t been quite as conniving and devious as the ones who he’d had to pull out. So, he gave them all $200 as a token gift, and kicked them all out with the request that they never darken his door again. He knew he couldn't live comfortably for the rest of his life with those kinds of people, and knew also that they wouldn't be comfortable with him either.
As you have no doubt guessed, the billionaire decided to give most of his vast fortune to the little old lady (who didn’t want it), and to give the rest to her 5 or 6 followers, to the degree they sincerely had tried to do like she did (the ones who were sincere didn’t seem to care whether they got the money or not either). Even though the sincere ones didn’t want the fortune, the billionaire made them keep it anyway. He just reminded them that they had signed a contract in the beginning to take the money, which they had to honor since they were obviously the contract-honoring kind of folks. So the little old lady went out and gave away most of her billions to people in need. Then she set up a knitting factory in her wing of the mansion, and when the billionaire got cold on frosty nights, he found that she always had a sweater that fitted him just right.
MORALS:
1 If you’ve got a vast fortune and don’t know who to give it to, you’re better off ignoring amnesia drugs and spending it all instead on signs with the letter ‘Q’ on them. You can then plant these signs by the side of roads all over the country, so that kids playing the alphabet game while travelling in their folks’ car can find the letter ‘Q’ and get through the alphabet before they drive their parents crazy.
2 The only ones who’ll get a reward for doing good in the hereafter are the ones who don’t care whether they get the reward or not, but care about people instead.
3 If you see somebody driving a golf cart around stuffed full of monopoly money, that’s a sure sign it’s time to take up knitting.