by Jenna Mindel
“Yes, ma’am.” He saluted, went to the fridge and grabbed a beverage. Snapping open the tab, he checked on his nephews, who were now sprawled on the couch watching TV.
A soft rosy glow from the low sun tinged the treetops outside. The sun set earlier now with the close of summer. The small logs had caught fire in the woodstove, giving off the warm glow of hearth and home. No lights were on inside, other than the one over the stove.
He slipped onto a stool at the island counter and watched Monica as she mixed a can of creamed corn into a bowl of corn muffin mix. This felt like home. She had always been part of home for him.
“Cornbread too, huh?” He took another pull from the can.
“Why not?”
“Right, why not?” Just then his cell phone rang and vibrated in his pocket. “Hello?”
“Cash? I’m still working on getting a team over there but it all depends on how Monday goes.”
“I understand. Want to talk to the boys?”
“Please.” His sister-in-law sounded like she missed them. Of course she would.
Cash handed over the phone to Ethan, who’d jumped up and now stood next to him. “Talk to your mom.”
“Hi, Mom. Yep, that lady is still here.” Ethan glanced at Monica and then moved over to the couch. “Yeah, we’re being good...”
Cash turned to Monica. How many days would they be stuck here? “She’s working on getting a team here as soon as possible.”
Monica briefly closed her eyes. “Good. That’s good.”
“Yeah.” It couldn’t be soon enough, and yet in a way he didn’t care when they came, because he actually enjoyed this. Spending this much time with Monica, he knew he’d miss her once she left.
He’d miss her real bad. And that wasn’t good.
Chapter Nine
After dinner, Monica wiped off the table. “Do you guys want to go outside for a campfire?”
The boys lounged on the couch watching TV, and Cash was looking at his phone. No one responded.
“Campfire?” she repeated.
Cash looked up. “We gathered enough wood this morning and we’ll be doing more tomorrow, so I think we’re over it for now.”
She couldn’t believe three males preferred to remain indoors on a glorious, albeit chilly, evening. Who knew how long they’d be stuck here, and the TV would always be an option. Hunting in the same closet where she’d found the crayons, Monica pulled out some games. “What about checkers, chess or cards? Oh, and we also have The Game of Life.”
Ethan took one look at the colorful box of the board game and pointed. “That one.”
Monica glanced at Cash. “Owen might have a hard time with it, but we can help him out.”
“Sure.” He shrugged and yawned. “For a while, anyway.”
“Everything okay?” She nodded toward his phone.
“Yeah, just checking in with my superiors.”
Monica chewed her bottom lip. His leave would be up soon and he looked as if he couldn’t wait to return. She could see it in his eyes. Cash loved being a marine and that wasn’t ever going to change.
She opened the box and laid the board out on the table. Then she organized the various cards, little cars, people pegs and money. “Choose your colors.”
Owen grabbed a blue car.
“I wanted that one.” Ethan reached for it.
Owen swept his arm away from his brother.
Cash stalled an argument waiting to happen with a firm voice. “Choose another one.”
Ethan glared at his little brother and took the green car.
Owen stuck out his tongue.
Cash looked at Monica as if he was tired of the boys’ bickering. “What color do you want?”
She smiled sweetly. “I’ll take yellow.”
He chose the red car and handed her a pink peg. He and the boys each took a blue peg. “Monica, why don’t you start us off?”
She spun the wheel and moved her car along the spaces heading to college, borrowing money from the bank to pay for tuition.
Cash raised an eyebrow. “You’ve already gone that route. Why not try a different path and start off your career?”
“I liked college. Are you going to go my way and try a different path?”
He headed toward starting a career. “Nope, might as well play it the same way I have in real life.”
Monica spread the career cards out in front of Cash. He picked an athlete with a large salary. “Sixty thousand? Seriously?”
He grinned. “And you’re already in debt.”
The start of this game actually mirrored their own lives. Cash had gone straight to the marines, earning a wage right off the bat, while Monica had graduated from college with a hefty student loan even though her parents had helped out with her tuition. She’d paid off that student loan when she refinanced the small home she’d bought a few years ago to make over her single-car garage into an office.
Ethan took his turn, choosing to follow his uncle to a career. His first career card required a college degree, so he had to choose again. He drew a salesman card and received his cash salary. “What does a salesman do?”
“He sells stuff, like cars or houses,” Cash explained.
“I wanna sell cars.” Ethan said, and spun the wheel and landed on a bill to pay. “No fair!”
“That’s life.” Monica and Cash said it in unison, and then they both laughed.
Ethan frowned, not getting the joke.
Owen finally took his turn, and it was no surprise that he followed her to college and into debt.
They played for half an hour or so, laughing and teasing when each of them had to stop and get married. Monica was the first to land on a baby space. She knew this was only a game, but the reminder that in real life she might never have the chance to experience having a child cut deep.
Her fingers remained on her car and she scrunched her nose, trying to shake off those gloomy thoughts. “Dare I look? Is it a pink or blue peg?”
Cash narrowed his gaze. “Which would you prefer?”
Monica wouldn’t care if she had a boy or girl, as long as the baby was healthy. As long as she had that possibility.
She locked onto his dark gray eyes and held out her hand. “Give me a baby girl.”
His face paled.
Monica had only been playing along and yet her stomach tipped and rolled at the look of sheer panic on his face. As if she’d asked him to have a child with her for real.
“It’s just a game.” She gave a shaky laugh, but the idea had already been planted and was taking root as what she wanted.
No. No way.
Marriage to Cash meant standing by helpless when he left for deployments. A marine in a Special Operations Command company had assignments that came quickly and often. Cash would be off to who knew where half the time. She couldn’t handle that. Even if her future was stable, she didn’t want the kind of uncertainty that came with a military life.
Cash finally looked away and stood. “It’s a dumb game and I’m done with it.”
“Aw, come on, Uncle Cash.” Ethan slumped.
Owen had already sneaked away to the couch and turned on the TV with a click of the remote.
“You two keep playing. I’m going to get some air. Kind of stuffy in here.”
Monica traded a glance with Ethan.
The eight-year-old shrugged, looking glum. “Game over.”
“Checkers?” she offered.
“Nah. I’ll watch TV with Owen.” He stood, too, then thought better of leaving the table. “Want help putting it away?”
Monica smiled at him, her heart full. He’d become a helper this weekend. “No, that’s okay, but thank you for offering.”
He gave her a nod.
It was the sort of gesture Cash might have given and it ma
de her ache. There was no escaping the way that man made her feel this weekend.
In the midst of gathering up the cars and pulling out each peg, Monica glanced out the slider door. She spotted Cash standing on the deck looking up at the dark sky. He was so good at hiding his feelings, but that look of panic had been pretty clear. He did not want a wife or a family of his own.
She had no idea how he really felt about her. He cared, sure. He might even be attracted to her. Sometimes, she’d catch a look of longing in his eyes only to see it shuttered up quickly, leaving Monica to wonder if she’d imagined seeing it.
“Monica, get out here with the boys.” Cash stuck his head back in the door and switched off the kitchen light. “Come quick.”
Monica looked at the boys and they looked at her. Then they all jumped up and ran for the deck. Monica grabbed a couple throw blankets from off the couch before stepping outside.
“What is it?” she whispered when she was on the deck, in case there was an animal Cash didn’t want spooked. The thought that a black bear might be roaming around sent a chill through her. Would he really bring the boys outside to see it?
Cash pointed toward the north. “There, along the horizon. See the colors? It’s the northern lights.”
The boys both stood still as stones, completely transfixed at the magnificent sight.
Monica’s mouth dropped open as she stared. Shimmers of neon green and purple danced in the sky, making waves of translucent color. “Wow.”
Cash pulled her by the hand, leading her down the steps. “How many blankets do you have there?”
“Two. But they aren’t full-size.”
“I’ll grab a couple more and douse the rest of the inside lights.” He was gone before she could refuse.
Of course they couldn’t let this opportunity pass by, even if it meant spreading blankets on the cold, damp grass away from the house in order to get a good view of the northern sky. She’d make sure the boys were between them, because huddling under a blanket next to Cash Miller seemed like a bad idea.
* * *
Cash made his way in the darkness. He’d turned off every light in the cabin save for a night-light in the bathroom that stayed on for the boys. Hoisting an old quilt and a woolen blanket he’d found in the linen closet, he followed the sound of giggles.
The boys each had one of the small blankets wrapped around them, and Monica stood close to them. She rested a hand on each of their shoulders as if protecting them from whatever might come out of the woods beyond the high grass.
Monica.
Even though it was only a board game they’d been playing, the idea of giving Monica a baby girl had hit him hard. She got to him. She’d always gotten to him, sneaking her way down deep into his heart and making him want things he’d be better off without. Having a family of his own meant going into each mission with a desire to save his own skin. That was deadly thinking. His job was worrying about his men making it in and out alive.
“Here.” He awkwardly draped the woolen blanket around her, careful not to touch her.
She held on to the edges and watched while he spread the huge quilt on the ground.
He lay on top of the quilt and opened his arms. “Somebody cover me up.”
The boys each launched themselves onto him. Owen settled into his left armpit and Ethan wiggled into the crook of his right arm.
Cash looked up at Monica. “Are you going to lie down so we can watch the sky?”
She gave him a goofy-looking half smile and knelt down, covering all of them with the woolen blanket before lying back. “Wow, look at those colors.”
They all gazed upward. The sky seemed to brighten with a wash of new greens and purples and even some blue. The lights moved like waves over the dark sky, dipping and rolling up from behind the tops of the trees.
“Why does it do that?” Ethan asked.
“Geomagnetic storms on the sun.” Cash folded his right arm behind his head.
“I like to think that God is showing us that He’s real. That He’s with us.” Monica shifted lower so the blanket reached her neck.
“Cold?” Cash asked.
“I’m good.”
He could just barely see her breath. “Get closer. Roll back into me, Owen.”
The little guy snuggled as directed.
Monica inched closer and buried her bare feet under the leg of Cash’s sweats.
He yelped and sucked in his breath. Her icy toes shot a shiver through him. “Where’s your shoes?”
“I had flip-flops on.”
Owen giggled and shifted closer to Monica.
She wrapped her arm around the tyke, which put her elbow against the side of Cash’s waist. The warmth of that small connection seared through his shirt, setting his skin on fire.
“Do you think my dad can see these?” Ethan stared straight up at the sky.
Cash was trying to get beyond the sensation of Monica’s feet against his calves and elbow in his side. Without thinking, he responded honestly. “I don’t know, Ethan. Maybe.”
The boy wasn’t bothered by that answer. “I hope so, because it’s really cool.”
“It is.” Cash turned his head and slammed into Monica’s gaze.
He didn’t look away and neither did she. She might as well be a truck winch, pulling him in. He reached out and gathered up a handful of her long hair, feeling the silky strength of it. He brought the strands to his face and inhaled the scent of her.
Her eyes watched him, then suddenly clouded over with sadness. She turned her head away, blocking his view of whatever she might be thinking.
What was going on with her? Maybe that guy meant more to her than she’d let on. Cash let go of her hair and slipped his hand under her neck to give her what he hoped was an encouraging squeeze.
She brought her other hand up to meet his and held on.
He shifted closer in order to thread his fingers through hers. Whatever it was, he wanted her to know that he cared. Maybe too much, considering that he couldn’t quite erase the idea of Monica with a baby girl from his mind.
The four of them lay there watching the northern lights until nature’s show finally dimmed into nothing.
“That was so cool,” Ethan whispered.
“I know.” Cash glanced at Owen. The kid’s eyes were closed.
“Uncle Cash?”
“Yeah?”
“Why’d my dad die?”
Cash had asked that same question a hundred times. He could give the pat answer that sometimes bad things happened to good people, but he didn’t want Ethan to ever fear death. It was bad for the rest of them, but death wasn’t bad for Cole. His brother was in a better place. “I don’t know, Ethan. I do know he’s with God and happy.”
“It’s not fair.” His voice sounded thin and watery.
“It’s not for us, because we’re left behind to miss him. I know.” He felt Monica squeeze his fingers. “But God’s with us, too. Monica’s right. The Lord showed us those lights tonight because He understands exactly how we feel.”
Ethan didn’t respond.
Cash knew the kid was thinking. Thinking hard.
“When will it feel better?”
Like a punch to the gut, Cash didn’t want to lie about that one, either. It had been nearly twenty years since his own father had died and it still hurt at times. Times like these.
“You’ll always miss your dad, Ethan. And I’ll always miss my brother, but with time the hurt won’t be so sharp.”
“Oh.”
Just then a shooting star whizzed across the sky.
“Did you see that?” Ethan pointed.
“I sure did.” Cash had the odd sense that he’d been given a sign somehow. That shooting star reminded him that God was indeed trustworthy, even when things seemed so unfair.
Owen sat
up, looking lost and sleepy.
Monica sat up, too. “It’s getting late. I think I’m going to call it a night.”
“Good idea. Let’s go, guys. Bathroom then bed.” Cash stood, and he and Monica gathered up the blankets.
“I’ll take care of these while you get the boys tucked in.” She took the blankets from him after they stepped inside the cabin.
The heat of indoors surrounded him like a warm hug. As he watched Monica fold the blankets, it hit him that being here together felt disturbingly right. Worse, he didn’t really care when the logging team came to clear the driveway.
She shook out the quilt and headed for the laundry room. “I’ll just throw this in the dryer for a few minutes to get the damp out.”
“Yeah.” He remained rooted in place while the boys ducked into the bathroom.
With a sinking feeling, he realized he didn’t want to admit the obvious. Monica had always been the woman for him. He’d known it for years and yet couldn’t pull that trigger. He’d never even tried, except for the night he’d kissed her all those years ago. That one kiss had shaken him to the core and he’d kept his distance from her ever since.
Had he missed the mark by remaining alone all these years without once trying to pursue her? If so, what should he do about it now? Even if he did do something about it, how could he effectively remain a soldier?
* * *
Monica threw a dryer sheet in with the quilt, set the timer for twenty minutes and hit Start. That should freshen it up while it dried. When she came out of the laundry room, Cash was still standing in the same place and he looked confused.
“You okay?” His conversation with Ethan about Cole’s death had torn her heart in two.
“Yeah, why?” He didn’t look fine. He looked troubled, worried, and some of that panic from earlier still lingered in his eyes.
“You’re just standing there.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Just waiting on the boys. Want to help me tuck them in?”
“Sure. Let me know when they’re in their pj’s and I’ll be in.” Monica stashed the woolen blanket in the linen closet and tossed the throws on the back of the couch.