What Doesn't Kill You

by Iris Johansen

  “Then do what your mother did. There’s always a way for a woman to make her way. I’d pay to get between your legs.” Softly, he added, “I’d kill to get between your legs.”

  Smother the rage, the urge to strike out at him. That was what all men valued. From the time she had been old enough to be able to be aware of what those men were doing to her mother, it had been drummed into her. Choi Meng was just another one who saw women as only important for the pleasure they gave him.

  But for whatever reason, he had given her warning, and it might have saved her life. She owed him for that. “I’ll remember what you did. But I’ll find another way to pay you.” She turned and started up the hill at a run. “Three minutes.”

  Use every back alley.

  Avoid the markets, where someone might recognize her.

  Run!

  * * *

  HU CHANG WAS SITTING ON the side of the boat, dangling his feet in the water, when she ran down the dock. “It’s very difficult getting clean in this vessel. I tried filling that bucket, but it was not—”

  “Get on your feet. We have to get out of here.” She jumped onto the boat and began to throw clothes into a duffel. “Wong burned down your shop, and he’s bribing everyone to try to find us.”

  “You’re afraid?”

  “Didn’t you hear me? Move. He wants to hurt you. He burned down your shop. That means you have no way to make a living. Can you go to a relative until he stops looking for you?”

  He shook his head. “I am alone, like you. But that is not too worrisome.”

  “Where will you go? Where will you live? You can’t stay here. This place isn’t safe now.”

  He was staring at her with that curious glance that had annoyed her before. “You are afraid.”

  “No, I’m angry, and I want to hit someone.” She glared at him. “I want to hit you. I should never have interfered with Wong. I can’t hide myself away and concoct brews and medicines. I deal in information, and to do that, I have to contact people. I make my living on the streets, and I’m going to have to dodge around and find a way to do it without getting myself killed. I’ll have to find a place to live where someone won’t run to Wong and tell him where I am.”

  “Perhaps you should find another way to earn your living … at least for a little while.”

  “What?” She said tersely, “Are you like Choi Meng? You think all a woman is good for is to whore? Go away, Hu Chang. I’ve had enough of you.”

  “But I’ve not had enough of you,” Hu Chang said. “I believe you may be trainable.” He was putting his shoes on as he spoke. “You didn’t get me any food. I’m hungry.”

  “Too bad. We have to stay away from the markets.”

  “I believe I may have something to eat at my shop. We will go directly there since you were so neglectful.”

  She stared at him in amazement. “Are you mad? I told you that your shop was burned to the ground. You’re not going to find anything there but ashes.”

  “Ashes can be valuable. Sometimes potions that have been treated with high temperatures are transformed into something even more valuable than the original. I wish I’d known that you’d gone there.”

  She said through her teeth, “I am not going to go back and sift though those ruins for your valuable ashes.”

  “I understand.” He got to his feet. “Perhaps I’ll send you later.”

  “Go yourself. You’d deserve what Wong would do to you when he catches you.” She drew a long breath. “Look, Hu Chang. I know this has been a shock to you. But you have to realize that your shop is gone. I know how long it probably took you to scrape together enough money to have your own shop. But you’ll have to start over.”

  “That is true. Many of my medicines were destroyed by that ugly man. We will have to work very hard to replace them.” He started down the dock. “Now come along. I’ve not eaten since last night. First, you try to infect my wounds with that unclean water, then you try to starve me.”

  “I did not infect—” She hurried to catch up with him. “I don’t know why I care, but I’m not going to let you go back to that burned-out shop and have Wong cut off your stupid head.” She grabbed his arm and whirled around him to face her. “You’re coming with me, or I’ll give you a karate chop that will drop you where you stand. Then I’ll find a place for us until you come back to your senses.”

  He stared down at her, then a slow smile lit his face. “You do not know why you care? I know, Catherine Ling. It is because you have a great heart.” He turned away. “And great hearts should never be either wasted or broken. Now come with me, and I may be persuaded to feed you as well as myself.”

  She stared at him, stunned. No one had ever spoken to her like that. But she had never met anyone like Hu Chang before.

  She called after him. “I meant what I said. You can’t go back to that place. I won’t let you.”

  “Did I say I was going to return to that lowly shop at this time? You misunderstood. You do not listen. I have another place a good distance away. Now come along.”

  She did not listen? She wanted to strangle him.

  He slanted a look over his shoulder, and there was the tiniest impish gleam in his glance. “Trust me, Catherine. Neither of us is good with trust, but perhaps we can learn together.”

  She hesitated. Why should she trust him? She barely knew him, and he was probably as crazy as she thought he was.

  But she wanted to go with him. She didn’t know why, but she didn’t want anything to happen to him. He shouldn’t have mattered to her. Just a crazy, old man …

  “Wait.” She ran to catch up with him. “I’ll go with you, but don’t expect me to trust you. I’ll watch you every minute, old man.”

  “Do not call me old. Someday, when you’re my age, you will look back and think what a foolish child you were. I wish to save you from that embarrassment.” He thought about it. “Or perhaps not. I may wish to use it to curb your ego. I can see it exploding until you are unbearable. By all means, make as many mistakes as you wish during this tadpole period.”

  Tadpole. She opened her lips to fire back at him, then closed them without speaking. It was what he wanted her to do, and she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

  “That’s right,” he murmured. “We are already learning each other. Is that not a fine thing? I believe that—” He broke off as he looked over her shoulder. “I think perhaps we’d better hurry. Is that a few of those triad gang men coming down the dock?”

  She tensed as she looked over her shoulder. Not Wong, but the men wore black jackets with the triangle insignia. They were going slowly, checking out every junk. “I was hoping we’d have more time.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him up the dock toward the long, concrete steps that led to the main town. “Come on. Keep out of sight.”

  “That is hard to do. I think we need to go somewhere and wait until after dark.” He started slowly climbing the stairs. “I know a place. Come with me.”

  They had reached the top of the steps when she heard shouts from below on the dock.

  “Don’t look back,” Hu Chang said.

  Who was he to tell her what to do? She looked back anyway.

  Her junk was on fire, the flames licking at the masts!

  The two triad gang members were standing laughing on the dock.

  “No!” She turned and started back down toward the steps.

  Hu Chang grabbed her arm. “It’s too late.”

  She could see that for herself. The boat was completely engulfed.

  She had to give herself a minute before she could push her rage aside. She shook off Hu Chang’s grip. “Bastards.” She turned and started climbing the steps again. “Dirty bastards. That junk was the only home I remember. It felt as if it was mine. They had no right.”

  “It seems we’ve both lost property this day,” he said quietly. “I regret you lost yours because you helped me.”

  “So am I.” But she had to be honest. “It wasn’t really becaus
e of you. I was angry with Wong anyway.”

  “And it seems he’s very angry with us.” He went ahead of her as they reached the street. “Come. We’ll find a place that we can hide out of sight for a while.”

  * * *

  “IT’S A TEMPLE.” CATHERINE STARED UP at the Buddhist temple as she stopped at the bottom of the steep stairs just inside the narrow gate. “This is where we’re going to wait until dark?”

  “Can you think of a safer place?” Hu Chang asked as he climbed the stairs. “I don’t know of any triad who would be coming to a temple.”

  Neither could Catherine, and she hurried after him up the steps. “No, I’ve seen tourists come in here, but no one from the neighborhood. What temple is this?”

  “It’s called the Temple of One Hundred Names.”

  “Do you come here often?”

  “Not often. It is a good place to meditate when the need is there.” They entered an antechamber, where thirty or forty spirals of burning incense whirled up to the ceiling from the burning tapers. The scent was nearly overpowering.

  Catherine started to cough. “Meditate? Are you sure the triad isn’t selling them drugs? I’m dizzy just smelling that incense.”

  He smiled. “No, but I trust the priests. They are very sincere. They believe that smoke is a way to communicate between the world of the living and the world of the dead. They think a temple should be a welcome portal for the ghosts.”

  “That’s foolishness.”

  “You don’t believe in ghosts?” He led her down a hallway. “Come along, we’ll go in the back chamber. The incense is less heavy there.”

  The walls were completely covered, from chest level to the ceiling, with hundreds of tiny tablets, smaller than paperback books. Each one was inscribed with a name in Chinese, a date, and sometimes a picture.

  She frowned. “What is this?”

  “You know that according to traditional Chinese beliefs, everyone who dies without a family to conduct funeral rituals and tend their grave will become a ‘hungry ghost’?”

  “Superstition. Foolishness. Dead is dead.”

  “Not everyone thinks that’s true. They believe that ghosts roam restlessly between heaven and Earth, sometimes causing mischief for those still alive.”

  She pointed to the plaques. “So what are those?”

  “After the bubonic plague, the community had a huge problem. They did believe in ghosts and couldn’t face having to live with unsettled ghosts wandering around. But they couldn’t afford to send the remains of the dead back to their families back in their villages either. So they built this temple. The ashes of all the dead without family are brought here so that the whole community can pray for them and feed them offerings as if they were their own ancestors.”

  “It’s not at all practical.”

  He slanted her a glance. “And you disapprove.”

  “I didn’t say that. If it was practical, it would be less … lonely.” She looked away from the wall. “But it’s really foolish to build a temple to a bunch of ghosts. How long do we have to stay here?”

  “Just a few more hours.” He gestured toward a chair against the wall. “Sit down and rest.”

  “You should be the one resting. Wong didn’t beat me up.”

  “No, you defended yourself very well.”

  “And you,” she added pointedly.

  He smiled. “And me, Catherine.”

  She gazed restlessly about the chamber at the cluttered altar, the silk-draped statue of Tin Hau, the Goddess of the Sea. “You didn’t like my boat because it was messy, but this place is worse. How can you meditate when you have all this stuff around you?” Her glance fell on one of the priests near the altar. “And are you sure he’s not on the triad payroll?”

  “How cynical. Not everyone can be bribed.”

  “It’s safer if you assume they can.”

  “That is true. You’re very young to have discovered that.”

  Her gaze shifted back to him. “You don’t like me to call you old, but you keep saying how young I am.”

  “Does it bother you?”

  “No, but it’s stupid since my age doesn’t matter.” She studied his face. “And I can’t really tell how old you are.” His face was unlined, the contour as defined as that of a young man. “But if you are an old man, you should have been smarter about fighting Wong. You could have just given him the money.”

  “I was considering it, but he didn’t give me the opportunity to make up my mind. He’s a savage, isn’t he?”

  “Yes.” She looked away from him. “He beat Lucy Tain to death the night before.”

  “Lucy Tain?”

  She lifted one shoulder. “Just a prostitute who worked out of one of the junks down on the docks.”

  He was studying her. “But you felt affection for her.”

  “I knew it was a waste of time. She wasn’t smart. She was scared all the time. She wouldn’t listen to me.”

  “But you still liked her.”

  “I wanted her to live. I wanted her to fight them.” She drew a deep shaky breath. “Now she won’t have the chance. She’s dead. And nobody cares.” She looked around the chamber. “Any more than anyone cares about all your ghosts in this temple, Hu Chang. It’s all lies. You can’t believe it.”

  “As time passes, you’ll realize that truth, as well as lies, is in the eyes of the beholder. And perception changes as the mind changes.”

  “That’s pompous bullshit.”

  He chuckled. “I do believe that I like you, Catherine.”

  “And I don’t care whether you do or not.” She leaned her head back against the wall and watched the curling smoke of the sandalwood waft up to the ceiling. She was dizzy with the heavy incense and the heavier bitterness and sadness. It must be that same smoke that was making her eyes sting. “It’s hard to breathe in here. All this smoke…”

  “Do you know that it’s because of the aroma of incense that the city got its name?” he asked softly. “Chinese fishermen passing by all the temples along the shore would always smell the smoke and sandalwood. They began to call the island Heung Gong, fragrant harbor. Some said when you breathed in the smoke, you were really breathing in a spirit that came alive within you.”

  “More ghosts? Not true…”

  “Not if you don’t want it to be true. Close your eyes,” Hu Chang said. “Try to sleep. I’ll watch out for priests who might be less than honest and ghosts that might do you mischief.”

  “But you said that the ghosts were happy here.”

  “But you don’t believe me.”

  She wanted to believe him. In that moment, she wanted desperately to believe in a second chance for Lucy Tain, who’d had no chance at all. “You’re right.” Her eyes closed. “I don’t believe you.”

  * * *

  “CATHERINE.”

  She opened her eyes to see Hu Chang’s face above her as he bent to wake her. The scent of sandalwood was still thick in the room, but the light was much dimmer except for the glow of the lit tapers on the altar.

  “It’s time we left,” Hu Chang said. “It’s dark, and we have a long way to go.”

  Catherine nodded, trying to shrug off the effect of the incense that still seemed to be filling her lungs and her mind. She got to her feet. “I’m ready.”

  “Not quite.” He handed her a damp cloth. “Wash your face. It will make you feel better. You have to get used to the incense. It’s almost like a drug until you become accustomed to it.”

  “Drugs…” She shook her head to clear it. “But you don’t get used to them. They just take you away and don’t bring you back.”

  “Like your mother?”

  “Yes, and Natasha.” The damp cloth felt cool and fresh on her cheeks. “Lucy’s father tried to get her to sniff opium, and he was angry with me when I threw it into the harbor. He thought it would make her more willing when they…” She shook her head again. “But you weren’t talking about drugs, were you? It was about the incense.
I was confused…” She gave him back the cloth. “Let’s go.”

  He nodded and strode toward the door.

  She started after him, then she stopped and looked back at the altar. The burning tapers, the smoke that Hu Chang had said was a bridge, the plaques that showed the world that a soul had passed that way seeking comfort.

  Everyone had a right to seek comfort and an end to loneliness, didn’t they?

  “Catherine.”

  “I’m coming.” She strode to the altar and grabbed a taper from the box. This was stupid. Why was she doing it?

  Because she wanted to do it. That was reason enough. She lit the taper and put it on the altar. She watched as smoke began to slowly curl up into the air.

  I’ll remember you, Lucy. You’re not alone.

  She whirled and strode away from the altar. She didn’t look at Hu Chang as she passed him. “I don’t want to hear you say anything,” she said fiercely. “I know it made no sense. I still don’t believe anything you’ve told me about this place.”

  “No, it made no sense at all.” He followed her out in the darkness and down the steep flight of stairs. “But since it’s done, it should be done correctly. You were too impulsive. I’ll call the temple priest once we’re settled and have him put up a plaque…”

  * * *

  “WHAT IS THIS PLACE?” CATHERINE STARED at the small sod house set back in the shadows of the screen of the bamboo trees. It was over two hours later, and Hu Chang had led her out of the main city to this tiny farm community, ignoring her questions with that silent serenity that annoyed her even more than when he spoke to her. “Who lives here?”

  “We do.” He was leading her toward the door. “Or rather I do. But I’m willing to share with you for the time being. Provided you learn quickly and don’t talk too much. I’ve noticed that you have a tendency to ask many questions.”

  “You’re the one who has been asking me questions ever since I saved you from Bruce Wong. The only question I have is why you brought me outside my city to this barren countryside.”

  “It is not barren. You’re obviously not accustomed to the bounty that the earth gives us. Tell me, have you ever been outside Hong Kong?”

  “No, why should I? Hong Kong has everything anyone could want. What it doesn’t have, people bring to it.”