by Dawn Edwards
I sat in an examination room alone for what seemed like an eternity until my middle-aged doctor with practical footwear and a white coat sat at the desk next to me, pulling up my chart on the table.
She looked up and smiled at me, ‘So Sarah, unfortunately, I am not going to be able to give you birth control pills today…’
‘Why, do I need to complete the antibiotics first?’
‘Antibiotics?’ she questioned looking at me with a puzzled expression.
‘Isn’t that how you treat STI’s?’ I asked. ‘I’ve been reading on Google.’
She put up a hand to stop me. ‘Sarah, you don’t have any STI’s, you are perfectly healthy.’
I looked up to her feeling instantly relieved at the news that I was still clean, which meant Drew was likely still clean too.
As the relief washed over me, so did the guilt that I could have thought the very worst from a man who was clearly so in love with me.
‘So if you can’t give me the pill, do you think I should use another method instead?’ I asked her. Before coming back to England, I had looked into other forms such as the shot, the patch and the implant. I was comfortable with the pill, it’s what I had been on before and it seemed to be the best fit for me.
‘Not quite,’ she paused. ‘While all the STI results came back negative, your pregnancy test came back positive.’
Pregnancy test?
‘No, there must be some mistake, I didn’t do a pregnancy test.’
She pursed her lips. ‘We always do a pregnancy test to rule out pregnancy before issuing any form of birth control.’
I sat there stunned, shocked beyond all rational explanation.
I didn’t even know I was being tested for pregnancy, hell, I didn't even think it was a possibility.
My pregnancy test came back positive?
‘But that would mean…’
She nodded, looking at me, studying my face. ‘Yes, Sarah, that would mean you are pregnant.’
‘I...no…’
‘Seeing as you’ve come for contraceptives, I take it this wasn’t planned, and that’s perfectly normal, half of pregnancies are not planned,’ she started to speak but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying, aside from the fact that she just told me I was pregnant.
Drew and I had used protection. We hated it but used them all the same to prevent this very thing. Unless it happened our first times, sometime that morning. But he pulled out, each time.
‘Sarah?’ I looked up to see the doctor, waving her hand in front of me trying to get my attention as she called the name of my alias.
‘Yeah?’
‘As I was saying, you have lots of options, but first, I will go ahead and order blood work and book an ultrasound to confirm gestational age.’
Well, if I didn’t want to talk to Drew before my appointment, I sure as hell couldn't now. This wasn’t news that one delivered over the phone with such a great distance of separation. I had been distant with him, and I knew it wasn’t fair. But I had so much to work out in my head. First of all, I was pregnant, I had a baby inside me. Even if it was only the size of a pea, it still meant that in seven and a half months I was going to be a mother. Drew was going to be a father. Something I had no idea how he felt about. We had never had that discussion, at least not in great detail. We had both said we liked kids, and they weren’t off the table for the future.
After ghosting him for a few days, I heard it in his voice, he was worried, and Breton even asked me one day what was going on as Drew had called him to make sure I was ok and if everything was fine.
I hadn’t told Breton about the baby. Aside from my doctor and the ultrasound technicians, I was the only person who knew about the baby until now. I couldn’t tell anyone without Drew knowing first.
When I had come to terms with the fact that I was going to have a baby, I decided to wait and tell Drew in person when he was going to be here in a few weeks, which meant, it was doubly important that he agree to come here and that I not drive him away by acting like a bitch.
CHAPTER 28
JESSA
When I was unable to get back to sleep despite trying for over an hour, I finally gave up. I reached over to grab my phone to find a message from Drew letting me know he was on the plane about to take off with my father, Abby, and Amber.
I was nearing the end of my first trimester and starting to feel a little bit more like myself again. Unfortunately, I was also starting to show slightly, not so much that others would notice, but I was seeing the small changes in my own body. I hadn’t seen Drew in about two weeks, I was sure he would be able to tell the difference as soon as he saw me again. As everyone was so used to me being heavier, a little weight on me wouldn’t be amiss, and I was also wearing clothes that concealed my stomach for the most part.
The past few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions.
First, Drew and I decided that as I was in Vegas, and we only wanted a small wedding, that we should just elope. It also meant that he could plead the fifth to any involvement with me and my disappearance. Not that he had any knowledge of it at the time, but he had known for over a year and kept it hidden. I didn’t want him to be charged as an accomplice.
When I told my mother that I wanted a small intimate wedding, here in Vegas, I was shocked when she agreed without any fuss about throwing a large society event back in Boston.
Once the decision was made, everything seemed to happen on fast-forward. We secured a large AirBnB to accommodate most of the guests, and another nearby to house the others. Booked caterers who also did decorating, an officiant, and flowers. And one of the most important tasks, found a dress for me to wear. It was an intense week, but really not all that much work as the caterers proved to be almost a one-stop shop. It was shaping up to be the complete opposite of what my mother had been planning for my wedding to Matt back in Boston. It felt like planning an elaborate dinner party rather than a wedding.
While it was classy, elegant and would be beautiful, it was small and intimate. The hardest part was getting most of the guests here to Vegas. Thankfully there were fewer than 20 on the guest list and my father owned a few jets.
I fell in love with the first dress I tried on but humored my mother by trying on a few of the ones she picked out. I was cautious of my little bump starting to make an appearance. I purchased my shoes and accessories straight from the bridal shop as well. Our rings took less than an hour at a jeweler, as did my flowers at the florist. And I felt like I was winning when I booked the officiant from my smartphone while in the passenger’s seat as my mother drove us to LA from Vegas to meet Zoe.
She didn’t know I was alive, let alone a dinner guest, but had agreed to meet my mother for dinner at the hotel suite my mother had booked. I was so nauseous the entire drive, I didn't know if it was motion sickness, pregnancy, nerves, or all of the above.
I wasn’t sure how this evening was going to go. Drew had told me how much Zoe had been affected when I ‘disappeared.’ I knew it stemmed from her losing her best friend as a teen when she was in high school, and it's one of the reasons why she’s so untrusting and has such a small social circle. I think she’s afraid to let anyone in for fear of losing them.
For some reason, Zoe and I hit it off instantly that first day of freshman orientation, which was odd for both of us. It was really after the death of my brother Josh that our bond was cemented. She knew what I was going through and was one of the only people who had the patience to let me grieve him. She wasn’t afraid to bring him up, because she knew how important it was to keep the memories of those that you loved close.
So many of the people I knew would skirt around the issue, afraid to mention Josh’s name for fear I’d remember him. What they didn't know was, I’ll never forget him. Hearing his name doesn’t make me sad; in fact, it makes me happy that someone cared enough about him to also remember him, no matter how much it might hurt to think of the gap he left in our lives.
I knew her wel
l enough to know that it was a strong possibility that she was going to be upset with me, and might not actually want to speak to me. I knew what I did was cruel, but I was hoping that she would listen to the reasons and see why I had no other choice.
My mother was watching TV while I sat out on the balcony under a large umbrella reading some items on Mylie’s blog. It had been a few months since the last chapter of her latest book was released, and all her die-hard followers were itching for more.
I heard the phone ring, knowing it would be the front desk to let us know that Zoe was here. I put my tablet down and walked into the living room. ‘You ready for this?’ my mother asked me. She knew how anxious I was to see Zoe. It was completely different from seeing Drew for the first time. He had found out over text message, likely not the best way, but at least I didn’t have to deal with seeing his reaction. Abby was family, she was also a lawyer, seasoned at hiding her reactions, who could also see why. But Zoe, as tough as she pretended to be, was a sensitive soul, and I knew what I did hurt her to her core.
I took a deep breath as I heard the knock on the door. ‘Yeah.’
I stood to the side, next to the kitchenette off the small living room as my mother opened the door.
‘Zoe,’ my mother greeted my best friend in a hug when the door closed. ‘It’s been too long, I can’t wait till Steve has you home again and your training is completed.’
‘Me too,’ she pulled away, still not seeing me. After my father’s heart attack, Zoe had been asked to come out to LA temporarily to help set up the west coast operation at one of the airports. Her coach’s daughter attended university out here, and there were also top-notch training facilities and many of the national team swimmers were currently training out here in advance for the Olympics this summer.
‘Come in,’ my mother ushered her further into the suite. ‘I have someone here…’
At that point Zoe looked up to see me. She only had to do one double-take for the smile on her face to fall and the anger in her eyes to illuminate.
She stared at me long and hard, silent for a few full minutes, though it seemed like an eternity. ‘How dare you!’ she roared pointing a finger at me.
I went to take a step closer to her, ‘I can explain.’
‘No,’ she shouted, putting her hand out to stop my advancing. ‘No, you don’t get to explain. Do you have any idea what you put your parents through, what you put Drew through?’
I nodded, noticing how she was trying not to make this about her, but what she was really saying was all about her.
‘I know how much hurt I must have caused you.’
She shook her head, ‘No, I don't think you do, because if you had any idea at all, you would never have left.’
‘I didn’t have a choice.’ I felt the tears starting.
‘But you did have a choice to let me know you were alive,’ I heard her voice crack. ‘Me, of all people.’ She took one more look at me before she turned to leave, but my mother reached out and held her arm.
‘Please, Zoe, can you stay? We have a lot to discuss.’
She snorted, ‘Yeah, like the PR nightmare that has just landed on my head.’
‘I prefer to think of myself as a dream come true, not a nightmare,’ I tried to break the tension.
‘Are you sick?’ Zoe asked me, looking me up and down as she walked further into the suite and opened up the small fridge, taking out a bottle of wine.
‘No,’ I answered her question, walking closer to her as she poured a large glass and started to drink it. It was uncharacteristic of her but given the circumstances, I got it. I put the bottle back in the fridge and took out a bottle of water so I wouldn’t be offered wine, as refusing would have been uncharacteristic for me. ‘I just exercise and eat right now.’
She smiled for the first time at me. ‘You look good.’
‘A year of self-reflection will do that for a person.’
‘You don’t say.’ She finally put down her wine glass and hugged me. ‘I’m still pissed at you.’
‘I would be too, but I hope once you hear everything you will be a little less pissed,’ I walked to the sofa. ‘Besides, I'm getting married in two days and I need you to come.’
She nearly choked on the wine. ‘W...what?’ she stuttered. ‘You’re getting married.’
Zoe looked to my mother with concern. ‘Is this for real?’
My mother nodded with a smile on her face. ‘But who is he?’ Zoe asked, taking a seat next to me. ‘I mean, Jessa, are you sure?’ She turned back to my mother, concern written all over her face and dripping from her tone. ‘Have you met him, is he a decent guy?’
‘Yes…’ my mother tried to assure her, but Zoe cut her off.
‘Has Breton done a check on him? Like, a good one this time?’
I had to laugh. ‘He checks out.’
‘How long have you known him, and where the hell have you been?’ Zoe demanded, getting feisty.
‘I’ve known Drew for about as long as you have,’ I announced casually taking a sip of my water.
It was fun to watch recognition set in on her. ‘That jerk has a lot of explaining to do.’
CHAPTER 29
JESSA
It wasn’t a big grand wedding, it wasn’t the social event of the season, and it wasn’t even all that fancy. But to me it was perfect and exactly what I had wanted. I had my parents, my two best friends Amber and Zoe, my cousins Breton and Abby, my only surviving grandparents, my aunt Deb, and Zoe’s sister Lana, who was with Zoe in LA, and who Zoe didn’t want to leave behind. Which I was fine with, as I really liked her. We were also able to fly Drew’s sister Nicole, her boyfriend and their daughter, his best friend Ali and his wife over from England. The plans had come together so fast and I didn’t feel right that Drew might not have family or friends present for his big day. He had told me he didn’t care, but I insisted and, in the end, I knew how happy he was to have them here with us on our wedding day. I reminded Drew that I only planned on doing this once, so we better get it right the first time round.
Most importantly, there was Drew waiting for me at the end of the small aisle that was made of flower petals on the grass of the backyard at the villa we had rented. On either side, there were four rows of four chairs, where our family and friends watched me walk down the aisle alone.
My father had wanted to give me away, but I told him that I hated the idea of that, as I was always going to be his daughter and would always be close by to him. We also didn’t have the traditional maid of honor or best man. Drew and I stood alone at the floral and tulle altar, with a female justice of the peace officiating the ceremony. Legally binding Drew and me as husband and wife.
The ceremony took place in the early evening in the backyard where we had fairy lights strung around the trees and scented candles on pillars around the yard, creating a glowing ambiance.
Drew wore a tux that he purchased last summer for a black-tie charity event, while I had on a pleated Greek style dress that started out silvery white on top and gradually became ice blue where it ended mid-calf. I had a silver belt, silver shoes and wore my hair down in big loose waves. My makeup was simple and I had on a pair of diamond earrings my grandparents gifted me, that had belonged to my grandmother. I also wore a new platinum, diamond and sapphire tennis bracelet that my parents gave to me.
Drew and I had a heart-to-heart conversation the evening he arrived in Vegas. Things had been strained between us, and I didn’t want anything to take away from the joy that would be our wedding the following day. We were in bed and I knew he was just as anxious to make love to me as I was to him, but I had to tell him. This was the first time we had been alone all day and the need to tell him was starting to overwhelm me.
I pulled back from him, and he eyed me as if I had just slapped him, ‘Jessa…’
I placed my hand over his and shook my head.
‘Drew, there’s something I need to tell you before we continue and before I meet you at the altar
tomorrow.’
He looked pained but not overly surprised. ‘Is there someone else?’
I could see how he might think that I’d been distant since leaving after our month together, but only because I've been so busy with planning this wedding, finalizing all the documentation for the authorities, all while suffering with really horrible morning sickness.
I smiled at my man and nodded my head. There was no way I could ever be with another man, but in a way, there was someone else.
‘Well, I guess that’s one way to look at it,’ I said with a smile on my face as I placed a hand over my stomach that was still pretty much flat. I didn’t look pregnant yet, just like I had some water weight.
Drew let out an audible sigh and I looked up to his face, seeing the color drain and his eyes full with hurt. I reached out to him and took his hand, placing it on my stomach. ‘There’s someone new in both our lives.’
He looked at me with confusion written all over his face, clearly I was going to need to spell it out for him, ‘In my belly, there’s a baby.’
I saw his eyes look to my stomach and his lips mouth, Baby, as in questioning what I had just said.
‘Our baby?’ he whispered, reaching down and placing his hand over mine that was protectively holding my stomach.
‘Yeah,’ I whispered back, and his face broke into a wide smile that reached his beautiful eyes, eyes that I hoped our child would inherit.
‘All the more reason for you to show up tomorrow,’ he leaned down to kiss me as he moved to a kneeling position over me. ‘What about sex…’
‘We are all good, I checked with my doctor. And with Google,’ I snickered.
And now, walking towards the man of my dreams, all I could do was look at Drew staring at me in awe as I walked towards him, tears forming in both of our eyes I realized. He took my hand as soon as I was in arm’s reach of him, pulling me closer to him. ‘You look incredible,’ he whispered to me.
‘You clean up well yourself.’