by C. M. Newman
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: CHURCH REVISITED
The tingle and taste of Angela’s lips remained with Vince for the remainder of the evening, which he spent trying to justify his words. Was it belittling of him to assume that just because Angela had never lost somebody close before, that she didn’t know what was coming? She’d admitted as much, but then again, she often proved to be stronger than either of them gave her credit for. Even if she really did have no idea of the agony to come, Vince wondered whether it was his duty or even his business to keep her away from that pain. She would lose him either way. The question was whether he was reckless enough to ignore his inhibitions long enough to let her in.
He stared at the blank television screen, opening up another beer he’d found hiding in the back of the fridge. After the first sip, however, he found he didn’t want it as much as he thought he had. He was so detached from his surroundings that his phone ringing sent his heart thumping wildly.
“Hey,” he answered Harry.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Harry sounded rather casual, like he was turning in for the night and wasn’t in a hurry.
“Early night?” Vince asked.
“We haven’t slept more than three hours at a time since we got here. Ready for another few. Gonna answer my question?”
“It’s going fine. How’s the case?”
“You know how it goes…waiting for that missing puzzle piece.”
“Need another set of eyes?”
“Not yours,” Harry snipped.
“Come on, it’s a Saturday night and I’m spending it just like any other Saturday night.”
“Watching your kid’s cartoons?”
“You know it,” Vince said with a half grin, his Angela-related woes stepping to the side for a moment.
“Then don’t let me keep you.”
“Please, Harry, I need some sort of distraction,” Vince said wearily, pulling on his hair and grimacing slightly.
“Have you talked to Angela today?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“So you have. Did she call or come over?”
Vince sighed, wishing for a five-minute conversation where Harry wouldn’t try to figure him out. “She dropped by while I was talking to my brother, who flew in to see me. She came back after I dropped him off at the airport, had some ice cream with me and Charlie.”
“And?”
“And what? Oh, the three of us played Uno. There’s your ‘and.’”
“You’re hiding something, but I’ll leave you alone about that for now.”
“So kind of you.”
“Can I ask you something?” Harry said.
“Only because you ask so nicely.”
“I was trying to be polite, but I see all that gets me is sass. I was wondering what you’re going to do with your free time once you don’t have your office to hide out in anymore.”
“Easy. I’ll actually spend time with my son.”
“And after he goes to bed, what? Are you going to turn in at eight or nine every night when you’re used to being at work that late on a regular basis?”
“Possibly.”
“Right. My prediction is you’re gonna be bored out of your mind. Look at you, you can’t even handle a Saturday night alone knowing that everyone else is away on a case. We’re working and you’re so bored that you’re jealous.”
“I’m handling it just fine.”
“Yet you’re begging me to let you in on the details. Tell me, Vince, what were you doing before I called?”
“Having a beer,” Vince said, taking a sip he didn’t want and hoping the sound would register over the phone.
“And doing what? Staring out the window?”
“It’s coming down out there. You guys getting any snow in Boston?”
“Listen to me, Vince. Don’t be stupid. Don’t sit around and let your last six or eight or however many months pass when you could do something to make yourself happy.”
“I don’t know what you’re—”
“I don’t know what I’m talking about, either. I’m an old geezer who has no idea what he’s talking about.”
“And finally the truth comes out,” Vince quipped.
Harry kept on a serious track. “All I know is I don’t want to see you with a few days or hours left wondering what you did between now and then, wondering what you could’ve checked off your list.”
“You won’t see me when I have that little time left. No one will. I’ll be hiding so no one can watch me waste away.”
“Right, then. If you’re gonna treat it like a game,” Harry said with no seriousness whatsoever.
“Watch me.”
“Think of yourself for a few months, Vince. That’s all I’m asking. Think of Charlie, too, of course, but at least put yourself next in line. I’m gonna get some sleep now. You get back to whatever it is you were doing.”
“’Night, Harry.” Once Vince ended their call, not sure after all whether his friend was onto him, he toyed with his phone, eventually scrolling through his contacts list until he found Angela’s name. He didn’t know why he was so open to everyone else’s advice lately, as he usually preferred to make his own decisions, but now his thoughts leapt from wondering whether he’d been fair in telling Angela what she could and couldn’t handle to wondering about his own side of things. Was a relationship something he truly wanted, or just something that would just be nice? A few days ago, before he’d been read his death sentence, had he even been thinking seriously about finding love again, or had that always been a pipe dream at best?
Pipe dream, he decided now. At least, that was how he had seen his relationship prospects long before all of this. Grim.
But there was a relationship for the taking right now if he wanted it, one with a woman he had cared about on a deeper level than friendship for some time, a woman who he now knew had harbored similar feelings for him and was more than willing to sacrifice her ability to recover after he died, just to spend a few short months with him beforehand. He was sure that if he called her right now and asked her to turn around because he’d changed his mind, she’d do it in a heartbeat. She would set aside her pride for him. But he wasn’t sure if he could ask her to do that, as he wasn’t sure whether he’d even really begun to change his mind.
—
Jenna was surprised at Vince’s eagerness to attend church and still wore a look of stunned satisfaction after the odd family of three took a seat in a pew—Jenna and Charlie’s regular one. “I think it’s so great that you’re here,” she said as she leafed through her bulletin.
“Thanks.” Vince looked around the old, beautiful Lutheran church where he’d gotten married. The stained glass sparkled red, gold, blue, and green thanks to the surprising intensity of the sun and the fresh coat of snow off of which it shone. That same stained glass was in an album of wedding photos he or maybe Jenna had stashed away somewhere. He still remembered his short self-written vows, some of which he’d broken quite blatantly—promises to put no earthly thing before her, promises to have the perfect family with her and stop at nothing to make her happy. Thinking about that day triggered a release of even more memories that made him recall exactly why he had stopped coming to this very building. He remembered Kate slipping her little bulletin insert across the kitchen counter for him to read. She had done this on multiple occasions when she’d thought he’d missed some words from which he could benefit. He remembered, on the rare occasion that he actually showed up to church, being deeply shamed by the messages of love, selflessness, and family that their pastor spoke from the pulpit. Even though it had been years since he’d given up a Sunday morning for God, he felt like he’d been here just yesterday.
“Everything okay?” Jenna mouthed as they stood for the opening hymn, Charlie standing between them and scribbling on the back of a bulletin.
Vince nodded. The tunes that followed came back to him easily. The hard part wouldn’t be remembering when to sit, when to stand, when to sing. It w
ould be making use of the guilt and fear that overcame him in a place that was supposed to inspire the freedom of forgiveness and new life. Once the children were dismissed from the service to attend their classes, the pastor gave a post-holiday sermon on keeping the true spirit of Christmas going year-round by remembering the hope a little baby had given mankind. It wasn’t exactly the theme for which Vince had been hoping. Christmas was weeks ago. How about coping with terminal illness? Second chances? Being a better parent? he thought.
“Maybe you should meet with Pastor Fenwick,” Jenna suggested as they lined up to exit the sanctuary.
“So I can ask for my money back?” Vince quipped. He caught Jenna’s very pronounced eye-roll. “I’m kidding. It just…wasn’t exactly the sermon I was hoping to hear.”
“God keeping promises, prophecies coming true? Miracles? You don’t think any of that applies to you? It applies to all of us.”
Well, when she puts it like that…
“Just ask him if you can talk for a few minutes. Make an appointment for later in the week,” Jenna urged before it was her turn to shake hands with the pastor.
“Ahh, Vince, it’s good to see you,” Pastor Fenwick said, pushing his glasses up his nose before reaching out a hand to shake. “It’s been so long. How are things?”
“Fine, thank you.” Vince saw Jenna waiting ahead, giving him an encouraging nod. “Good sermon. It was…enlightening.”
Pastor Fenwick’s eyes lit up. “Glad to hear it. Hope to see you next week.”
“You will,” Vince declared before walking away.
“It’s not as scary as it sounds,” Jenna murmured as they lingered around the Sunday school rooms. “Just say you have some things you’d like to talk about.”
Vince grew irritable at the pushing. “I will, just…not right this second. It’s a lot to take in.”
“I only say this because I care and I know you’re strong enough to hear it—you don’t have all the time in the world, Vince. Don’t put it off for too long. And he’s really helpful. I talked to him a few times after Katie passed away and it helped to hear a third party’s perspective. And he pointed out some really comforting scripture—”
“Jen,” Vince said quickly and quietly. “Please.”
She raised her hands to shoulder height in surrender. “Okay. I’ll lay off. For now. You know it’s only because I care, right?”
“I know, and I appreciate it. Let’s go get Charlie. Want to do lunch?” he offered.
“I can’t today, but thanks. Have fun building that roller coaster. You know he’s not going to stop talking about it until you build it, right?”
“Yeah, thanks a lot,” Vince muttered, though with good humor.
“Daddy!” Charlie called down the hallway, trotting to him with his weekly project.
“Hey, buddy,” Vince said, switching the project for Charlie’s jacket. “What’d you make?” he asked, inspecting the drawing.
“It’s a picture of Jesus when he was a kid like me.”
“Oh yeah? What’s he doing?” Vince asked, ducking down to help his son with his zipper.
“Playing baseball. I told Miss Nancy you’re sick and she said a special prayer for you,” Charlie reported with pride.
Feeling like a coward next to his four-foot-tall son, but still lacking the change of heart necessary to seek out another minute in church, Vince simply gave Charlie a hug and a kiss. “Thank you, buddy. That means a lot to me. Let’s get home and build that roller coaster,” he said, hoping they could get away before Charlie’s Sunday school teacher tracked him down.
—
“Are you okay?” Sophie asked Angela, crossing paths with her at the coffee pot on Monday morning.
Angela mustered up a smile. “I’m fine. How’re you?” She hadn’t even seen Sophie on Friday. Both of them had been plenty busy, Sophie with case work and Angela with everything else that needed to be done.
Knowing she was being brushed off and seemingly not wanting to confront Angela about it, Sophie smiled back. “Fine. Anything interesting happen on Friday while I was getting paper cuts on every single finger?”
“It was a pretty quiet day,” Angela said.
“How about your weekend?”
“Quiet weekend, too,” Angela answered. “I have a lot of…stuff to do, though. Work never ends. I’ll talk to you later?”
Sophie placed a hand on Angela’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Of course. Want to do lunch together?”
“If I take a break for it, sure.”
“Don’t work too hard,” Sophie called as she strode away.
“What was that all about?” Vince asked, coming up behind Angela startling her so effectively that she almost spilled her coffee.
“What was what all about?” she asked, grabbing a couple of sweetener packets and tearing them open, not turning to face him. He squeezed in beside her to refill his own cup.
“Just small talk?”
“Don’t, Vince,” Angela muttered agitatedly under her breath instead of turning around to face him. “If you want to know something, just ask. No, I didn’t tell her,” she said without waiting for his actual question. “I didn’t tell anyone, and I won’t. Your secret’s safe with me.” She dumped the sweetener into her coffee and walked off without stirring it.
“Can I talk with you? In my office?” Vince asked politely, following Angela to her desk.
She looked up at him, the ice-cold look on her soft features daring him to pull rank on her. “Is this an order? I have a lot to do.”
Vince furled and unfurled his free hand. “Do I need to make it one?”
Angela rose, now stoic, and followed Vince into his office, shutting the door behind her. She pulled back a chair, not bothering to scoot forward as she sat down. A couple of feet sat between her and the front of Vince’s desk, behind which he, in a surprise move, did not sit.
Angela rolled her eyes behind their lids when Vince sat next to her instead; she sucked her lips in when he cleared his throat in preparation for some speech. “I really am sorry, Angela. Not just for embarrassing you, but for letting it happen in the first place. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.”
“I shouldn’t have opened mine, either. I should’ve just left instead of prying.”
“Then we’re in agreement that a relationship would be a bad idea?” Vince’s voice was so full of hope that it made Angela’s heart drop into her stomach.
“Sure, Vince.”
“A sincere answer would be nice.”
“As would you talking without putting words in my mouth.”
“Then tell me what’s on your mind,” the man said helplessly.
“I already have, Vince. I told you everything. There’s really nothing left to talk about.”
“Obviously, there is, if you can’t have a civil conversation with me. Harry already has an inkling that something’s going on, you know. What happens if Marshall and Harry get back from the case before I’m done at the office and they find us keeping each other at arm’s length? Or fighting? Because unless we talk this out, that’s how the next two days are going to go. We’ll either avoid each other or we’ll snap at each other constantly. Do you really want a bunch of FBI—”
“Why are you so concerned with what everyone else thinks?” Angela asked, laughing shortly in disbelief. “My goodness, Vince, you’re dying and you care what other people think about your personal life? I’m the one stuck here once you leave and I’ll be the one getting the weird looks from everyone no matter how this plays out between us. And you know what? I really couldn’t care less. If people want to raise their eyebrows, then fine. I’ve never really cared what people said behind my back and I’m not going to start now.”
“Wait,” Vince said holding up a hand. “Just wait. What are we even referring to anymore? People knowing that something happened while they were away and we’re at odds with one another, or us starting a relationship and people judging us because of that?”
A
ngela’s shoulders jerked violently. “I don’t know. Either one, I suppose. I really don’t care, Vince. If this is something you truly don’t want, then fine. I’ve already backed off. At least I’m trying to.”
“I appreciate that, but it doesn’t feel like you have. It feels like you’re holding it against me, and as long as that’s the case, it’s going to be difficult for us to be around each other.”
“Then I guess it’s a good thing you only have a couple days left here,” Angela said, wanting to stop her sentence halfway through but finding herself incapable of shutting her big mouth.
Vince turned away from Angela and toward his desk instead, knees on elbows, hands clasped together.
“That was…distasteful, sorry,” Angela said. “No matter how hard it is to be around you right now, I’m not glad you’re leaving. Not even close.”
“Angela,” Vince sighed, “we really need to sort this out. I really don’t want my last two days at the office to be like this.”
“You’re right,” Angela said with heart-wrenching resignation. “Your last days here shouldn’t be full of tension. I’ll back off, really, I swear.” Angela patted her thighs and moved to get up, but Vince shocked her with a gentle hand on her shoulder. She sat back down.
“Wait, that’s not what I mean,” he said, giving her only a cursory glance. “I don’t want you to shove everything aside as a farewell present to me. That’s not what I mean at all. I mean we really need to talk this through.”
“Vince, you know how I feel. I’ve already said it. I already went out on that limb. Please, don’t make me do it again.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Good, because I tried with everything in me to change my mind about it, but I couldn’t. And it’s pretty clear that you haven’t changed your mind either, so I just don’t see a solution to this besides us sucking it up and pretending it never happened.”
“Do you at least understand why we shouldn’t get into this?” Vince asked.
“You want an honest answer?” Angela asked coolly.
“Yes. I need to know where you stand on this.”
“Then no, I don’t understand. I respect your intentions, but I still think you’re crazy, and that makes it difficult for me to convince myself that you’re right. But like I said, I’ll put on a happy face when I’m around you. I promise. No one will be any the wiser.”
With every word, Angela was slowing breaking the walls around Vince’s heart. “Again, that’s not what I want,” he said. “I think if you could really comprehend where I’m coming from—because I don’t think you do—then you’ll accept what I’m saying as truth. One thing that all healthy relationships have in common is that the people involved don’t really see an end in sight. Even if they aren’t dreaming of wedding bells and kids just yet, they’re at least not focusing on how and when it’s going to end. When you do find yourself in those situations because you made a mistake in choosing your partner, or because you had bad timing, or whatever the case may be, your heart gets broken. You realize a relationship isn’t what you thought it was and you wonder why you ever got involved in the first place.
“You know ahead of time that a relationship with me would have no future,” he continued when Angela didn’t cut in as he’d expected. “You can talk all you want about how resilient you’ll be once I’m gone, how you’ll be able to recover, and I don’t doubt that. I know you’ll be just fine eventually. I’m sorry that I insinuated that you’re somehow weak just because you’re inexperienced when it comes to losing someone. You’ll find a way to cope afterwards. But have you ever thought of how you’d feel during the relationship? Do you think spending time with me like that would be normal? Because it wouldn’t be. It would be us…probably happy to be together…but also counting down the days and unable to truly enjoy ourselves. I just don’t understand why you would want to do that to yourself.” Vince had thought and thought for the rest of the weekend about how best to reason with Angela, and he hadn’t come up with this until now. “It would be torture. In the end, it just wouldn’t be worth it for you. You’d be suffering so much more.”
“I know that. I’ve already thought about that,” Angela replied, though Vince’s description of a relationship between the two of them was more effective in breaking her than her own imagination had been. “Truth be told, I’ve thought way too much about something that you’ve been clear in saying won’t happen. There’s nothing I can say to convince you, so I have to be the one to back down. And the only way I can do that is to stop having this conversation, because it’s not going anywhere, and it won’t go anywhere no matter how long we keep it going. You know we’re both too stubborn. I’m…going against everything I believe in by letting this go and not fighting for you. I’m making a sacrifice here. You need to do the same and stop trying to fix me. Please, just let us drop it.”
Vince nodded, having to give Angela that much. As desperately as he wanted her to leave his office with a smile on her face, he knew he was foolish to wish for such things. He fought with her probably more than anyone on the team, not necessarily because they disagreed more, but because they were both quick to let their discord bubble to the surface. Apparently his looming departure hadn’t changed that. “Okay,” he said finally. “I’ll let the matter go, then.”
“Thank you,” Angela murmured. “That’s really all I want. Can I go now?”
Vince took in Angela’s gleaming eyes for the first time. He knew his own eyes were watery, but when he thought about it, he realized that he probably let himself cry around others more than she did. For as much as the team poked fun at him for showing little emotion, his breakdowns exceeded everyone else’s in magnitude when they did happen. Angela crying publicly—and crying only in his presence counted as publicly in his mind—was a rarity. “Sorry. Yeah, you can go.”