by C. M. Newman
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX: I HAVE YOU
Against the advice of just about everyone who had any say, Angela pushed Vince in a wheelchair toward the elevator a few hours later. He smiled broadly at getting his way and folded his hands in his lap. Though he’d been warned that even a ride around the block would be jarring enough to cause him extra pain later on, he didn’t care. After Pastor Fenwick had left, Vince had seen the sun struggling to break through the blinds that were shut to make it easier for him to sleep. He’d asked Angela to pull them up, but even that hadn’t been enough. Except to go to church, he hadn’t been outside in weeks. Even before he’d been confined permanently to bed, he hadn’t been able to appreciate the outdoors in quite some time.
As a result of his prolonged captivity, the sun was all but blinding. July’s heat and humidity made breathing harder, but that, he supposed, also could have been due to the fact that his oxygen machine sat in his bedroom right along with all the other medical equipment.
“Let me know if it’s too bumpy,” Angela said as they turned out on to the sidewalk.
“I will. Wow…So nice out,” Vince breathed. Once his eyes adjusted, he happily accepted the sun kissing his face.
“It is gorgeous out,” Angela agreed. She honestly couldn’t remember how many days it had been since she had been outside herself. At least two or three. “Did you have a good talk with Pastor Fenwick?”
“Yeah, it was…enlightening…comforting…”
“I’m glad.” She briefly rested a hand on his shoulder before the wheelchair, manned only on the left, started veering off to the right, making them both laugh.
“Sorry,” Angela said.
“It feels like…it’s been so long since…we laughed together,” Vince replied.
“It has been a long time. Next time I think of something funny, I’ll share.”
“I might need it after tonight,” Vince said without thinking.
“What do you mean?”
Vince had been thinking a lot about it during his waking hours. Those hours were growing fewer and farther between, making his decision a little easier. “I’m going to finish the book…with Charlie tonight…and then I think…I need to say goodbye to him.”
Angela hadn’t seen that one coming. Perhaps she’d been too optimistic, perhaps just too tired. For some reason she’d assumed Vince would beckon Charlie to his deathbed at the last second, but with Vince revealing his plan now, it made perfect sense. It didn’t piece her heart back together at all, but it made sense. “Oh.”
“I’m sure it’s a lot…easier said than done,” Vince struggled through his shallowing breaths. “But I want his last…memory of me to be…a conversation, you know? I want to read with him…tell him I love him…be able to hug him. Who knows what I’ll…be like tomorrow?”
“He has a game tonight,” Angela said. “It should be over by seven.”
Vince twisted his neck back as far as he could. “What’s wrong?” he asked at Angela’s flat reply.
“Nothing, nothing’s wrong, just remembering.”
But that was a lie. Everything was wrong. Everything was too real. Angela wondered if Vince had sensed his own impending death yet, quite like she was doing right now. His decision to say goodbye to Charlie hit her harder than his doctor saying he only had a few days. It hit harder than Vince saying goodbye to the team. Saying goodbye to Charlie was Vince truly admitting that he could no longer put this off, could no longer pretend. Charlie was the reason he’d chosen to fight the cancer in the first place, so his goodbye to that reason seemed like him admitting defeat. But wasn’t that what she was supposed to want for him? For him to accept his fate, maybe even to get to the point where he could welcome it, even if she never could?
“Sweetheart, please…be honest with me…just talk to me…” Vince pleaded.
“I just—you threw me for a loop, that’s all. But it makes sense, wanting to say goodbye while you know you can do it properly. But you…you saying goodbye to Charlie is a lot more than just saying goodbye to Charlie, you know? It’s like saying you’re done.”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Vince said, frustrated that he couldn’t look Angela in the eye right now. “I just need to talk…to Charlie before it gets…really bad.” The fact that he was in a wheelchair and could hardly breathe made this sentence almost laughable.
“I know,” Angela said in a hurry, already feeling guilty for cracking. “I’m sorry, I’m just…this is all happening so fast now. I’m just trying to process, that’s all.”
“I don’t want to hear you…apologize for anything,” Vince said. He needed to see her face, for them to be at the same level. He’d spent so much time in bed, seeing her from below until she lay down with him at night. Lying down wasn’t good enough now, though. He wanted to stand. “Can you stop for a second?” he asked.
She brought the wheelchair to a gentle halt right in front of someone’s open bay window. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just…want to stand up.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You haven’t stood up in a while.”
“I know I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. But I have you,” he pointed out.
Angela couldn’t turn him down now, not when he was admitting that he needed her without his voice being laced with some sort of negativity. “Okay, you win. Just let me find the brakes on this thing.”
“You brought me out here on something with wheels without familiarizing yourself with the brakes?” he teased her.
“You’re adorable. Okay, all set.” She met him around the front of the chair, struggled to figure out how to move the footrests aside, and leveled herself with him to wrap her arms securely around his middle. His legs wobbled dangerously beneath him, unable to help her much in the task of lifting him. “I’ve got you,” she promised when she heard his labored breaths. “You don’t have to do any work, I’ve got you.”
“Thank you,” he rasped once he finally stood up straight. Angela still supported most of his weight. “You can relax, I think I’m good.”
Angela cautiously released her grip on him little by little until he stood almost on his own, clinging to her only for balance.
“Thank you,” he said. “I was beginning to think…I’d never see the light of day again…let alone stand in it.”
“Let me know when you’re ready to sit back down,” Angela said. She wasn’t at all confident in his body.
“Look at me,” he said, drawing away from her. He rose a shaking hand to her cheek, hoping he could maintain his balance with only one arm around her, and touched his nose to hers. “I love you tremendously,” he said without having to stop for a breath. “I wish we could dance…”
“Maybe we can,” Angela said. She swayed their tops to and fro slowly.
“Who said you needed to…move your feet, right?” he managed.
“And who says you need music?”
Suddenly, Vince grabbed Angela tightly, signaling that his legs had reached their limit. “Time to sit again,” he said, panting in a near panic.
“Okay, I’ve got you,” she said in the same tone she would have used with Charlie. “And we’re sitting,” she grunted as she lowered him into his chair.
He took a few deep breaths, the last of which started his coughing up again. Angela handed him a towel.
“Can we go back?” he asked once he had himself under control again.
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. Thank you,” she said as they started their journey home.
“For what?”
“For asking to go home. I obviously don’t want you to be in pain, but when you are, I do want to know.”
“I know. I figured that might…earn me some points.” Vince winced and held his breath as they passed over a particularly unfriendly patch of sidewalk again. He thought he could feel his individual organs jostling around.
“It most certainly did.”
“Can I redeem them for something?” he asked playfully.
<
br /> “Anything you want.”
Vince grew serious again. “First, those…compression cuffs for my legs…aren’t doing a thing, so I’d like to get rid of them…and not get any grief…from anyone. And on a more serious note…I only woke up…a couple times last night…and I think I was so tired…that I didn’t move around too much. Can you just…stay with me in bed tonight? When I do wake up…in the middle of the night…I like when you’re still there…with me.”
Angela was grateful for a few more minutes of Vince not being able to see her seemingly endless tears. “Of course. Hey, you know what? I don’t think we’ve watched Charlie’s last game yet. Maybe we should do that once we get you settled back in.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” Vince welcomed the darkness of the hallway once they got back inside the building and sighed delightedly at the air conditioning against his seared skin.
“Was someone misbehaving?” Mitch joked as he opened the door for them.
“Popping wheelies when she told me not to,” Vince said. “I’m a bad boy.”
—
Vince awoke a couple of hours later, his eyes crusted over. He caught a vague scent of food from the kitchen. He hoped it meant that Angela was eating. Mitch didn’t need much help in that department. If anything, he had taken to overeating in what he thought was secrecy. Maybe it was just his own skeletal frame, but Vince thought it looked like Mitch had gained a few pounds.
He heard Charlie’s sweet voice bouncing around in the living room just as the sky was beginning to lose its brightest light and gain pinkish hues. He heard Angela’s footsteps outside the door first. She quietly let herself in and helped him sit up. “Need anything before I let Charlie in?” she asked.
“No, I’m okay…thanks…Do you think I should…do without the oxygen? He hasn’t seen me with it yet. I don’t…want to scare him.”
Angela cocked her head to the side. “If you feel you can handle it, maybe it’s a good idea to ditch it for a while.”
Vince nodded and unwrapped the tubing on his face while Angela shut the machine off. “Thank you for being honest. Can you actually…send Jen in first? I should probably warn her.”
“Sure. Mind if I ask when you’ll…talk-talk to her?”
“When the time gets closer,” Vince said. “I know I won’t have enough left in me…for anyone else after Charlie tonight…”
“I’ll go get her.”
Jenna soon sat down with such care that one would think she was trying to avoid detection. “Hey. How’re you feeling?”
“Been better,” Vince said honestly.
“I’m sorry, it’s such a dumb question. I just don’t know how else to say that I care about how you’re doing. You know?”
“I do know. And thank you. Listen…Jen…I’m gonna finish the book tonight…with Charlie…and then I have to say goodbye to him. I know it’s—it’s sudden, but I don’t think…that he’d benefit from…having any warning. And he needs to see me not so…scary. And I want to…be able to talk to him and not…fall asleep on him. So the sooner I do this, the better.”
Jenna folded her hands in front of her running eyes and nodded. “Okay. As long as you’re sure.”
“I am. I’d like to talk to you, too…but maybe tomorrow night…tonight has to be just about Charlie…I already talked to…my in-laws and my pastor today…I don’t have the energy for much more.” Vince’s eyes shifted downward in shame.
“I understand. Do you want me to go get him now?”
“If you would, please. Oh, hey…how’d the game go? Did they win?” Vince asked, brightening a little.
Jenna grinned and lifted an eyebrow. “I think I’ll let him tell you.”
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, we won!” Charlie shrieked once he was finally given permission to go see his father.
“Wow,” Vince said with a laugh. “That’s great to hear. Good job, buddy, I’m proud of you. Can you shut the door, please?”
Charlie nodded dutifully, grabbing their book before climbing into bed, dirty uniform and all. “I hit the ball twice and even got on base once,” Charlie informed him.
“I think that calls for a high five,” Vince said, holding up his hand. Charlie smacked it and maintained his joyous smile as he settled in.
“Did you watch my last game yet?” Charlie asked.
Vince hadn’t so much forgotten as he had run out of wakefulness and time. He couldn’t let Charlie down, though. “Of course I did. You did such a good job. Did Auntie Jen tape today’s game, too?”
“Uh-huh! We can put the memory card in the computer and watch it like that. We don’t even have to wait for Auntie Jen to burn a DVD.”
Vince chuckled. “Sometimes you scare me…with how much you know. Anyway, yeah, that sounds like…a good idea.” Vince wished he could still swallow. Coffee would be helpful on a night like tonight. Watching the latest baseball game would add an hour to the amount of time he needed to stay awake. “Wanna do that first or finish the book first?”
Charlie rolled his eyes up to the ceiling in thought. “Let’s watch the game first. I’ll go get the camera and the computer.”
“Okay, but no running with the computer.”
“I found Chip in the living room so I brought him for you,” Charlie said, laptop and stuffed dog loaded up in front of him when he returned. He was soon snuggled up next to his father again, starting the video.
“I think I need to see that slide into first base one more time,” Vince said with a smile once the video ended.
“I’ll find it,” Charlie said, clicking through the tracking bar until he got them to the right spot. Vince found himself squeezing Charlie with fervor by the time they reached the victorious moment. If Vince had been able to yell and cheer, he would have. “That’s pretty awesome, buddy. I think baseball’s definitely your thing. Keep at it, okay?”
“Okay,” Charlie said with a toothy grin. “Can we read now?”
“I was beginning to wonder…if you’d ever ask,” Vince said as spiritedly as his lungs allowed him to.
“I’ll try and read faster this time so we can finish before you get tired.”
“I’m okay tonight, buddy. You take your time.” Vince jiggled the stuff dog in the air before setting it in his lap, petting its ears as if it were real. Charlie opened up to where they had left off and read the rest of the book without much help from Vince.
“It ended just like the movie,” Charlie observed.
“Did you like it?”
Charlie nodded vigorously. “Aslan is like Jesus, isn’t he?”
“As much as a lion can be, yes,” Vince said. “You’re one bright kid, you know that?”
Charlie ate up the attention. “Can I still be a cancer doctor?”
“You can be…anything you want to be. Just set your mind to it. I mean that,” Vince said as his eyes grew heavy.
Are you tired?” Charlie asked.
“I’m always tired,” Vince said truthfully, “but it’s not time for you to go quite yet. Can we just sit here and cuddle for a little bit?”
“But we’re already cuddling.”
“I know, but I mean for longer.” Vince pressed his lips into Charlie’s hair and pulled him closer to his side, trying not to think about this being the last time they would see each other. “Have you been having fun with Auntie Jen at her house?”
Charlie wrapped his arms around his dad’s waist. “Yup. We went on a bike ride and got ice cream today before baseball.”
“That sounds like fun,” Vince said distantly. “I’m kinda jealous.”
“I wish you could eat, Daddy,” Charlie said morosely.
“So do I. Ice cream sounds pretty good.”
Vince found himself wondering if saying goodbye would be like pulling off a Band-Aid, but once he gave it further consideration, he realized his heart wouldn’t stop breaking over the loss of his son until it simply stopped beating. Try as he might to think of an easier way to do this, the effort was cruelly futi
le. The more urgently he wished for a cure to his heartache, the more severe the pain became. “Listen, Charlie…remember how I told you a while back…that I had about a month or two before I…would go to heaven?”
“Uh-huh,” Charlie said, cluing in.
“Charlie, my doctor told me…” Vince gave up the war against his emotions and let them show. It was what he wanted Charlie to do, too, and he couldn’t expect Charlie to open up fully if his own father was restraining himself. “He told me that it could be any day now. And I know it’s hard…not to have all the answers…not to know exactly when it’ll happen…If I knew anything more specific, I would tell you.”
“You’re gonna die soon?” Charlie asked, pouting before his eyes squeezed shut and he tightened his hold on his father.
Vince nodded through wet, unfocused eyes. “Yes, Charlie,” he said with a hefty sniffle. “I am. I’m so sorry.”
“But I don’t want you to die,” came Charlie’s protests all over again.
“I know, buddy…I know. If I could stay, I would. But you know what? You’re gonna be just fine…it’ll…it’ll hurt at first…but before long you won’t be so sad…you’ll have Auntie Jen, and Uncle Mitch, and Angela…and all your family in Madison…and when you’re sad…you can go to any of them.”
Charlie didn’t respond that it was his father he wanted most, that he would trade all those other people if he could just have him healthy and well instead. He did, however, climb into his father’s lap, ignoring the grunts that Vince wasn’t quick enough to suppress. Vince couldn’t breathe well enough to sob properly, which was just as well, he supposed. Now that Charlie knew it was okay to express his emotions, he didn’t need the example anymore. He needed comforting arms and a soothing voice.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Vince whispered, repeating himself from time to time. “I love you more than anything. Please, always remember that. Okay?”
Charlie nodded into Vince’s chest and let the rest of his tears fall. As if someone had flipped a switch, he finally just stopped. “What does it feel like to die, Daddy?” he asked, still tangled up in Vince’s arms with no indication that he wanted to go anywhere any time soon.
“A lot of people say…that it’s just like going to sleep…it doesn’t hurt, and you just…wake up in heaven instead of in your bed,” Vince murmured.
“Are you gonna see Mommy in heaven?”
“I’m sure I will. And I can’t wait to say hello to her,” Vince said.
“It’s not time for me to go to heaven yet, but when I get really old and die, and I get to go to heaven, do you think I’ll get to see you and Mommy?”
“Of course you will. But I don’t want you…to think about dying…for a long time, okay? You’re so, so young. I want you to focus on…on school, and having fun, and taking care of yourself, and making friends. All that good stuff. Okay?”
“Okay, Daddy…”
“And be a good boy for Auntie Jen and Uncle Mitch and Angela. And remember how important…it is for you to tell people…that you love them…and to show them.”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.” Charlie seemed calm now but remained curled up with his father.
“I love you, too.” Vince knew that at this moment, this goodbye was much less complicated for Charlie than it was for himself. For Charlie, things didn’t get much more complex than the fact that he was going to miss his dad. For that much, Vince was thankful. He could hardly understand the other layers of the situation himself. He couldn’t envision Charlie trying to comprehend it.
“Charlie.”
“Huh?”
“After tonight…I’m gonna take…some more medicine. It’s gonna help make sure I’m…not in pain, but it’s also gonna…make me really sleepy, too. And right now, my throat…it already hurts a lot. The medicine will…help with that, but like I said, I’ll be very tired. When you remember me…as you get older…I want you to remember…me telling you how much I—I love you, okay?”
“Okay.”
Vince was sure he had never held anyone or anything so tightly in his life, not even at his strongest. But not even the safest embrace could make up for what he was about to say. “Charlie, I need to say goodbye to you now…before you go back to Auntie Jen’s…so this…this is gonna be the last…the last time we see each other.”
Charlie’s crying started afresh. Vince did the best that he could to encourage the expression of emotion while consoling Charlie at the same time. It was a intricate balance to maintain.
“Do I have to go home right now?” Charlie whimpered once he found his voice again.
“You can stay as late…as you want to,” Vince said, his thumb moving slowly back and forth across Charlie’s cheek. He was tempted to offer for Charlie to stay the night, but that would have defeated the purpose of him saying goodbye now, while he was still somewhat himself.
“You should keep Chip in your bed,” Charlie said calmly, his father’s words and arms having the intended effect.
“I will. Thank you, buddy.”
“Do I have to say goodbye?” Charlie asked pitifully.
“Not if you don’t want to.”