by Aristophanes
FIRST CITIZEN. Undoubtedly, and there are my three tripods strung together already.
SECOND CITIZEN. What folly! Not to wait to see what the others do, and then …
FIRST CITIZEN. Well, and then what?
SECOND CITIZEN. … wait and put it off again.
FIRST CITIZEN. What for?
SECOND CITIZEN. That an earthquake may come or an ill-omened flash of lightning, that a weasel may run across the street and that none carry in anything more, you fool!
FIRST CITIZEN. ’Twould be a fine matter, were I to find no room left for placing all this.
SECOND CITIZEN. You are much more likely to lose your stuff. As for placing it, you can be at ease, for there will be room enough as long as a month hence.
FIRST CITIZEN. Why?
SECOND CITIZEN. I know these folk; a decree is soon passed, but it is not so easily attended to.
FIRST CITIZEN. All will contribute their property, my friend.
SECOND CITIZEN. But what if they don’t?
FIRST CITIZEN. But there is no doubt that they will.
SECOND CITIZEN. But anyhow, what if they don’t?
FIRST CITIZEN. We shall compel them to do so.
SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they prove the stronger?
FIRST CITIZEN. I shall leave my goods and go off.
SECOND CITIZEN. And what if they sell them for you?
FIRST CITIZEN. The plague take you!
SECOND CITIZEN. And if it does?
FIRST CITIZEN. ‘Twill be a good riddance.
SECOND CITIZEN. You are bent on contributing then?
FIRST CITIZEN. ‘Pon my soul, yes! Look, there are all my neighbours carrying in all they have.
SECOND CITIZEN. Ha, ha! ’Tis no doubt Antisthenes. He’s a fellow who would rather sit on his pot for thirty days than not!
FIRST CITIZEN. The pest seize you!
SECOND CITIZEN. And perhaps Callimachus is going to take in more money than Callias owns? That man want to ruin himself!
FIRST CITIZEN. How you weary me!
SECOND CITIZEN. Ah! I weary you! But, wretch, see what comes of decrees of this kind. Don’t you remember the one reducing the price of salt, eh?
FIRST CITIZEN. Why, certainly I do.
SECOND CITIZEN. And do you remember that about the copper coinage?
FIRST CITIZEN. Ah! that cursed money did me enough harm. I had sold my grapes and had my mouth stuffed with pieces of copper; indeed I was going to the market to buy flour, and was in the act of holding out my bag wide open, when the herald started shouting, “Let none in future accept pieces of copper; those of silver are alone current.”
SECOND CITIZEN. And quite lately, were we not all swearing that the impost of one-fortieth, which Euripides had conceived, would bring five talents to the State, and everyone was vaunting Euripides to the skies? But when the thing was looked at closely, it was seen that this fine decree was mere moonshine and would produce nothing, and you would have willingly burnt this very same Euripides alive.
FIRST CITIZEN. The cases are quite different, my good fellow. We were the rulers then, but now ’tis the women.
SECOND CITIZEN. Whom, by Posidon, I will never allow to piss on my nose.
FIRST CITIZEN. I don’t know what the devil you’re chattering about.
Slave, pick up that bundle.
HERALD. Let all citizens come, let them hasten at our leader’s bidding! ’Tis the new law. The lot will teach each citizen where he is to dine; the tables are already laid and loaded with the most exquisite dishes; the couches are covered with the softest of cushions; the wine and water is already being mixed in the ewers; the slaves are standing in a row and waiting to pour scent over the guests; the fish is being grilled, the hares are on the spit and the cakes are being kneaded, chaplets are being plaited and the fritters are frying; the youngest women are watching the pea-soup in the saucepans, and in the midst of them all stands Smaeus, dressed as a knight, washing the crockery. And Geres has come, dressed in a grand tunic and finely shod; he is joking with another young fellow and has already divested himself of his heavy shoes and his cloak. The pantryman is waiting, so come and use your jaws.
SECOND CITIZEN. Aye, I’ll go. Why should I delay, since the Republic commands me?
FIRST CITIZEN. And where are you going to, since you have not deposited your belongings?
SECOND CITIZEN. To the feast.
FIRST CITIZEN. If the women have any wits, they will first insist on your depositing your goods.
SECOND CITIZEN. But I am going to deposit them.
FIRST CITIZEN. When?
SECOND CITIZEN. I am not the man to make delays.
FIRST CITIZEN. How do you mean?
SECOND CITIZEN. There will be many less eager than I.
FIRST CITIZEN. In the meantime you are going to dine.
SECOND CITIZEN. What else should I do? Every sensible man must give his help to the State.
FIRST CITIZEN. But if admission is forbidden you?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall duck my head and slip in.
FIRST CITIZEN. And if the women have you beaten?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall summon them.
FIRST CITIZEN. And if they laugh you in the face?
SECOND CITIZEN. I shall stand near the door …
FIRST CITIZEN. And then?
SECOND CITIZEN. … and seize upon the dishes as they pass.
FIRST CITIZEN. Then go there, but after me. Sicon and Parmeno, pick up all the baggage.
SECOND CITIZEN. Come, I will help you carry it.
FIRST CITIZEN. No, no, I should be afraid of your pretending to the leader that what I am depositing belonged to you.
SECOND CITIZEN. Let me see! let me think of some good trick by which I can keep my goods and yet take my share of the common feast. Ha! that’s a good notion! Quick! I’ll go and dine, ha, ha! [Exit laughing.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. How is this? no men are coming? And yet it must be fully time! ’Tis then for naught that I have painted myself with white lead, dressed myself in my beautiful yellow robe, and that I am here, frolicking and humming between my teeth to attract some passer-by! Oh, Muses, alight upon my lips, inspire me with some soft Ionian love-song!
A YOUNG GIRL. You rotten old thing, you have placed yourself at the window before me. You were expecting to strip my vines during my absence and to trap some man in your snares with your songs. If you sing, I shall follow suit; all this singing will weary the spectators, but is nevertheless very pleasant and very diverting.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ha! here is an old man; take him and lead him away. As for you, you young flute-player, let us hear some airs that are worthy of you and me. Let him who wishes to taste pleasure come to my side. These young things know nothing about it; ’tis only the women of ripe age who understand the art of love, and no one could know how to fondle the lover who possessed me so well as myself; the young girls are all flightiness.
YOUNG GIRL. Don’t be jealous of the young girls; voluptuousness resides in the pure outline of their beautiful limbs and blossoms on their rounded bosoms; but you, old woman, you who are tricked out and perfumed as if for your own funeral, are an object of love only for grim Death himself.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. May your hole be stopped; may you be unable to find your couch when you want to be fucked. And on your couch, when your lips seek a lover, may you embrace only a viper!
YOUNG GIRL. Alas! alas! what is to become of me? There is no lover! I am left here alone; my mother has gone out and the rest care little for me. Oh! my dear nurse, I adjure you to call Orthagoras, and may heaven bless you.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! poor child, desire is consuming you like an Ionian woman; I think you are no stranger to the wanton arts of the Lesbian women, but you shall not rob me of my pleasures; you will not be able to reduce or filch the time that first belongs to me, for your own gain. Sing as much as you please, peep out like a cat lying in wait, but none shall pass through your door without first having been to see me.
> YOUNG GIRL. If anyone enter your house, ‘twill be to carry out your corpse.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. That’s new to me.
YOUNG GIRL. What! you rotten wretch, can anything be new to an old hag like you?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. My old age will not harm you.
YOUNG GIRL. Ah! shame on your painted cheeks!
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you speak to me at all?
YOUNG GIRL. And why do you place yourself at the window?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I am singing to myself about my lover, Epigenes.
YOUNG GIRL. Can you have any other lover than that old fop Geres?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Epigenes will show you that himself, for he is coming to me. See, here he is.
YOUNG GIRL. He’s not thinking of you in the least, you old witch.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Aye, but he is, you little pest.
YOUNG GIRL. Let’s see what he will do. I will leave my window.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. And I likewise. You will see I am not far wrong.
A YOUNG MAN. Ah! could I but sleep with the young girl without first satisfying the old flat-nose! ’Tis intolerable for a free-born man.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Willy nilly, you must first gratify my desire. There shall be no nonsense about that, for my authority is the law and the law must be obeyed in a democracy. But come, let me hide, to see what he’s going to do.
YOUNG MAN. Ah! ye gods, if I were to find the sweet child alone! for the wine has fired my lust.
YOUNG GIRL. I have tricked that cursed old wretch; she has left her window, thinking I would stay at home.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Ah! here is the lover we were talking of. This way, my love, this way, come here and haste to rest the whole night in my arms. I worship your lovely curly hair; I am consumed with ardent desire. Oh! Eros, in thy mercy, compel him to my bed.
YOUNG MAN (standing beneath the young girl’s window and singing). Come down and haste to open the door unless you want to see me fall dead with desire. Dearest treasure, I am burning to yield myself to most voluptuous sport, lying on your bosom, to let my hands play with your buttocks. Aphrodité, why dost thou fire me with such delight in her? Oh! Eros, I beseech thee, have mercy and make her share my couch. Words cannot express the tortures I am suffering. Oh! my adored one, I adjure you, open your door for me and press me to your heart; ’tis for you that I am suffering. Oh! my jewel, my idol, you child of Aphrodité, the confidante of the Muses, the sister of the Graces, you living picture of Voluptuousness, oh! open for me, press me to your heart, ’tis for you that I am suffering.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Are you knocking? Is it I you seek?
YOUNG MAN. What an idea!
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But you were tapping at the door.
YOUNG MAN. Death would be sweeter.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why do you come with that torch in your hand?
YOUNG MAN. I am looking for a man from Anaphlystia.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. What’s his name?
YOUNG MAN. Oh! ’tis not Sebinus, whom no doubt you are expecting.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodité, you must, whether you like it or not.
YOUNG MAN. We are not now concerned with cases dated sixty years back; they are remanded for a later day; we are dealing only with those of less than twenty.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. That was under the old order of things, sweetheart, but now you must first busy yourself with us.
YOUNG MAN. Aye, if I want to, according to the rules of draughts, where we may either take or leave.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But ’tis not according to the rules of draughts that you take your seat at the banquet.
YOUNG MAN. I don’t know what you mean; ’tis at this door I want to knock.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Not before knocking at mine first.
YOUNG MAN. For the moment I really have no need for old leather.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know that you love me; perhaps you are surprised to find me at the door. But come, let me kiss you.
YOUNG MAN. No, no, my dear, I am afraid of your lover.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Of whom?
YOUNG MAN. The most gifted of painters.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Why, whom do you mean to speak of?
YOUNG MAN. The artist who paints the little bottles on coffins. But get you indoors, lest he should find you at the door.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. I know what you want.
YOUNG MAN. I can say as much of you.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. By Aphrodité, who has granted me this good chance, I won’t let you go.
YOUNG MAN. You are drivelling, you little old hag.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Rubbish! I am going to lead you to my couch.
YOUNG MAN. What need for buying hooks? I will let her down to the bottom of the well and pull up the buckets with her old carcase, for she’s crooked enough for that.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. A truce to your jeering, poor boy, and follow me.
YOUNG MAN. Nothing compels me to do so, unless you have paid the levy of five hundredths for me.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Look, by Aphrodité, there is nothing that delights me as much as sleeping with a lad of your years.
YOUNG MAN. And I abhor such as you, and I will never, never consent.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. But, by Zeus, here is something will force you to it.
YOUNG MAN. What’s that?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. A decree, which orders you to enter my house.
YOUNG MAN. Read it out then, and let’s hear.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Listen. “The women have decreed, that if a young man desires a young girl, he can only possess her after having satisfied an old woman; and if he refuses and goes to seek the maiden, the old women are authorized to seize him by his privates and so drag him in.”
YOUNG MAN. Alas! I shall become a Procrustes.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Obey the law.
YOUNG MAN. But if a fellow-citizen, a friend, came to pay my ransom?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. No man may dispose of anything above a medimnus.
YOUNG MAN. But may I not enter an excuse?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. There’s no evasion.
YOUNG MAN. I shall declare myself a merchant and so escape service.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Beware what you do!
YOUNG MAN. Well! what is to be done?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Follow me.
YOUNG MAN. Is it absolutely necessary?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Yes, as surely as if Diomedes had commanded it.
YOUNG MAN. Well then, first spread out a layer of origanum upon four pieces of wood; bind fillets round your head, bring phials of scent and place a bowl filled with lustral water before your door.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Will you buy a chaplet for me too?
YOUNG MAN. Aye, if you outlast the tapers; for I expect to see you fall down dead as you go in.
YOUNG GIRL. Where are you dragging this unfortunate man to?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. ’Tis my very own property that I am leading in.
YOUNG GIRL. You do ill. A young fellow like him is not of the age to suit you. You ought to be his mother rather than his wife. With these laws in force, the earth will be filled with Oedipuses.
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Oh! you cursed pest! ’tis envy that makes you say this; but I will be revenged.
YOUNG MAN. By Zeus the Deliverer, what a service you have done me, by freeing me of this old wretch! with what ardour I will show you my gratitude in a form both long and thick!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Hi! you there! where are you taking that young man to, in spite of the law? The decree ordains that he must first sleep with me.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! what a misfortune! Where does this hag come from? ’Tis a more frightful monster than the other even.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Come here.
YOUNG MAN (to the young girl). Oh! I adjure you, don’t let me be led off by her!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. ’Tis not I; ’tis the law that leads you off.
YOUNG MAN. No, ’tis not the law, but an Empusa with a body covered with blemishes and blotches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Follow m
e, my handsome little friend, come along quick without any more ado.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! let me first do the needful, so that I may gather my wits somewhat. Else I should be so terrified that you would see me letting out something yellow.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Never mind! you can stool, if you want, in my house.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! I fear doing more than I want to; but I offer you two good securities.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. I don’t require them.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Hi! friend, where are you off to with that woman?
YOUNG MAN. I am not going with her, but am being dragged by force. Oh! whoever you are, may heaven bless you for having had pity on me in my dire misfortune. (Turns round and sees the Third Old Woman.) Oh Heracles! oh Heracles! oh Pan! Oh ye Corybantes! oh ye Dioscuri! Why, she is still more awful! Oh! what a monster! great gods! Are you an ape plastered with white lead, or the ghost of some old hag returned from the dark borderlands of death?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No jesting! Follow me.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, come this way.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. I will never let you go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. But you will rend me asunder, you cursed wretches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. ’Tis I he must go with according to the law.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Not if an uglier old woman than yourself appears.
YOUNG MAN. But if you kill me at the outset, how shall I afterwards go to find this beautiful girl of mine?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. That’s your business. But begin by obeying.
YOUNG MAN. Of which one must I rid myself first?
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Don’t you know? Come here.
YOUNG MAN. Then let the other one release me.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Come to my house.
YOUNG MAN. If this dame will let me go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, by all the gods, I’ll not let you go.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. You would make very bad boatwomen.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Why?
YOUNG MAN. Because you would tear your passengers to pieces in dragging them on board.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Then come along, do, and hold your tongue.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No, by Zeus, come with me.
YOUNG MAN. ’Tis clearly a case of the decree of Cannonus; I must cut myself in two in order to fuck you both. But how am I to work two oars at once?