Hold on to Love

by Grace Roberts

  “Yeah, whatever.” He shrugged, thinking of the right words to say. He didn’t want to sound like he was lecturing her, as he knew it wouldn’t work with Tammy; he should be the caring big brother he had always been, trying to make her understand that what he was saying was just for her own good and that he only wanted to protect her because he loved her.

  “Don’t whatever at me, Sean! That’s just her name. Why can’t you ever say it?” she asked in an annoyed tone, resuming the walk, only much faster than before.

  Seeing her reaction, Sean thought he might not have chosen the right day to talk to her; something must have happened at school, and he should probably leave it for another day, but it was too late now.

  “Yes, Alyssa, sorry,” he said, calmly, falling into step with his sister. “I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with her. I think maybe you should leave her alone for a while; I mean, she’s on vacation after all, and maybe she wants to relax and enjoy her time off.”

  “I like chatting with her and she enjoys my company,” she snapped. This wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Maybe she’s too polite to say she wants to be left alone,” he tried to object, but she stopped walking and when he turned to look at her, she glared at him.

  “You barely speak to her and you think you know what she wants? I know her better than you do; she’s my friend. I’m sorry it bothers you, but I honestly don’t care about what you think. She understands me, she listens to me, and she doesn’t say I’m stupid because of my love for fashion!”

  “I never said you’re stupid, Tammy, nobody ever said that. I’m just trying to protect you from disappointment. I don’t want that girl to put ideas in your head. She’s rich and her life is so much easier than ours. You can’t compare yourself to her because no matter how bad you want something, dreams don’t always come true, and sometimes it’s for the better.”

  Her eyes welled with tears, and Sean felt awful knowing he was the one who had caused them.

  “I hate you!” she yelled, stomping her feet like a child. “I hate you, I hate this town, I hate all of these stupid Wyoming people and I wish I had never been born here!”

  She slammed her rucksack on the ground and spun back, walking away from him in the wrong direction.

  Sean understood it wasn’t all because of what he had said and he knew she probably only needed to let it all out. He caught up with her and wrapped his arms around her. Immediately she turned back and hugged him.

  Tammy sobbed and he let her be. He rubbed her back and rested his chin on the top of her head, holding her tight in his arms and waiting for her to feel ready to talk.

  When the last sobs subsided and she was able to get a grip, he let go of her and she took a step back.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands. “I didn’t mean to say those awful things. I don’t hate you, Sean.”

  “I know, it’s okay,” he said sweetly, brushing her cheek and wiping away a tear that had drifted down. “You wanna talk about it? Something happened at school, didn’t it?”

  She nodded, looking for a handkerchief in the pocket of her jeans. She blew her nose, and took a long, deep breath afterward.

  “Kimberley said I’m a stupid dreamer, and I could never get as far as Colorado in my life because I’m just a farmer’s daughter.”

  “Kimberley is an idiot; you shouldn’t even bother listening to her. She’s only speaking out of envy because you’re smarter than she is.”

  She sniffed and looked up at him; her eyes were red and swollen, and she looked just like the defenseless little girl who used to turn to him whenever something bad happened and she needed comfort. At that moment he felt even more protective of her. He would never let anyone, let alone an attorney from New York, hurt his little sister.

  “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m just too stupid to make it. If I lived in New York everything would be different.”

  He stiffened at her words and wondered whether this was another idea their guest had put in her head.

  “Did she tell you this? Did she ask you to move to New York?” he asked, without realizing his tone had suddenly become harsh.

  “Who? Kimberley?” Tammy asked with a frown, sniffling.

  “No, our… um… Alyssa,” he said, clearing his throat.

  “Alyssa never said anything about that. Why would she ask me to move to New York? It’s my idea; it’s how I feel. I know that I will never be anything more than a farmer’s daughter if I stay here. And stop blaming her for everything, Sean, you’re paranoid!”

  “You don’t necessarily have to move to New York to live a happy life, Tammy. Things aren’t always what they seem, and you’re too young and too smart to let that world take your life and ruin it.”

  Tammy shrugged. “Just because you’re happy being a farmer doesn’t mean that everyone is. I don’t want to live on a ranch for the rest of my life. I have dreams.” She kicked a pebble, sticking her hands in her pockets. “But what would you know about it…”

  “You know, I had dreams too when I was your age, and guess what: they didn’t include waking up at the crack of dawn and working until sunset the whole year round.” He said the words harshly and then he sighed, thinking of all he had given up on to help his family, just to make sure that all of his parents’ efforts wouldn’t be wasted. “But dreams hardly ever come true; it’s just how life goes. You’re old enough to start realizing that, Tammy. Some people have an easy life; others don’t. It’s just the way it is. There’s so much you can do, so many other things you could be… Why can’t you simply find an alternative plan and put your efforts into it?”

  Tammy looked at him and her face fell. She took a step closer, and rubbed his forearm.

  “I’m sorry. I thought…” She trailed off. Sean shrugged, and put an arm around her, pulling her close.

  “Yeah, I know. Don’t worry.”

  “What were your dreams, Sean?” She looked up at him with her big brown eyes, searching his face for a clue.

  “It doesn’t really matter now, does it?” He rubbed her back, and kissed the top of her head. “Just try to see things and people for what they are. Remember that all that glitters is not gold.”

  “It does matter to me, though; I’m sure you’ve never talked about it with anyone. Why did you stay to help Dad?”

  “We’d better get going now. Mom will be starting to wonder where we’ve gone.”

  Tammy gave her brother a squeeze, then she moved away to pick up her rucksack, and linked her arm through his, walking in silence until they got home.

  Sean wasn’t sure she had really understood what he had meant to tell her, nor was he sure that she would stop spending time with their guest, but he somehow hoped that his words would eventually sink in, and that she would be able to see things through his eyes knowing he had meant no harm.

  Chapter 13

  After spending a couple of days with Mrs. Maclaine, learning all the secrets on how to make the perfect pie and how to cook the roast beef just right, Alyssa started to get restless. She wanted to be outside, playing with the kittens, and going horse-riding; she wanted to explore the country, trotting around and experiencing the sweet smells and sounds of autumn in the country. But this would mean asking Sean, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it yet.

  Still, she didn’t want to waste any more time of her precious vacation, and eventually she decided to summon up all of her courage and go talk to him.

  She walked out and stopped on the porch, looking around, taking a deep breath of the pure, crisp air. It was one of the things she loved the most about the place, and she was sure it would be one of the things she would miss most once she was back in New York. Even when strolling in Central Park, one could never breathe such clean and light air.

  She turned her head to the right and saw Sean guiding a black horse out of the stables. She had to admit that even though he was awful to her, he was absolutely gorgeous. His tanned skin and cow
boy attire made him look so different from New Yorkers; maybe it was because she was always surrounded by pale people who spent half of their lives locked up in courts and underground, and never really had the time to spend more than five minutes in the sun.

  He turned around, and when he met her gaze his posture immediately changed, just like a porcupine that had seen its enemy and was ready to scare it away.

  She looked away but was determined not to let him scare her, so she stepped toward him with the closest to a sincere smile she was capable of and hoped he wouldn’t be too rough.

  “Good morning,” she said, smiling sheepishly and waited for him to mumble something incomprehensible while walking away from her.

  “Morning,” he said, not as harshly as she had expected. “Can I help you?”

  His tone was very formal, although not half as courteous and nice as it had been with the honeymooners, but she knew she’d have to make do.

  “I was wondering if I could borrow a horse for an hour or two.”

  “I still have a few things to take care of. I can’t leave now.”

  She stared at him, wondering why he thought he should go with her. Did she look like such a rookie? She’d taken riding lessons in college, although her mother had never known, and she felt quite confident even when she didn’t know the horse, so there was no point in him following her.

  “I know you’re busy, but I meant to go on my own. There’s no need for you to go with me.”

  “I have to go with you; you’d get lost and then I’d have to go looking for you, and you’d probably sue us because we didn’t look after you well enough.”

  He spoke as if this had already happened before, but she thought it was really silly; she wasn’t a child who needed to be looked after every other minute, and she honestly didn’t want to go riding with him knowing he probably wouldn’t say a word until they got back. She wanted to spend some time alone in the country, to think about the past few weeks, and consider her options for the future.

  “Don’t worry, I won’t get lost and I won’t sue you if I do. I only want to go for a ride; I won’t go too far.”

  She put on a weak smile, fighting to rein back her temper. He was on the defensive again, although he really had no reason to be. Hopefully reassuring him would be the right way to get him to agree without too much fuss. It was really all she could do to try and enjoy her vacation.

  “I know I’ll regret this and I’ll probably have to come and rescue you, but since you seem to be so confident you won’t get lost…”

  Alyssa felt the urge to start screaming while stomping her feet; the way he had said it, the tone he had used and the way he was implying she was a stupid girl from the city who wouldn’t be able to stay out of trouble lit up a fire inside her chest. But she knew that she shouldn’t say anything because he would probably be even more awful to her. She bit on her lip and pretended she hadn’t heard him.

  “Give me five minutes. I’ll have a horse ready for you.”

  She thanked him and went back inside to fetch everything she might need. When she walked out, a white-and-brown horse was waiting for her, ready to take her on an adventure. Her first country adventure on her own; if her mother knew, she’d probably need to be revived by a team of experts.

  “Try not to go too far out; the woods are tricky, and it’s easy to get lost out there. Just stay on the path, and don’t take shortcuts through the fields or you won’t be able to come back.”

  “I’ll be away for an hour, two at the most. Don’t worry. I’ll be back for lunch.”

  She tried to ignore the annoying way he raised his eyebrows, but maybe he was simply doing his job, trying to protect his business from stupid tourists who wanted to play Indiana Jones and then got into trouble and sued his family. At least she hoped that was the way he treated everyone when they wanted to go out on their own, and it was nothing personal, although, after the way he’d behaved so far, she couldn’t be sure.

  “Cell phones don’t have much coverage out there, so if you get lost, you won’t be able to call anyone. Are you aware of that?” he asked in an annoying tone, as if he were talking to an idiot.

  Alyssa nodded, trying to repress the words that were fighting to escape her mouth and that she knew were better left unspoken.

  She slid her foot inside the stirrup and a moment later she was on the saddle. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. She was sure he’d probably thought she’d never seen a horse because she came from the city. Before she turned back and trotted away she thought she saw him frown. But she decided that, for the next couple of hours, she wouldn’t let that guy and his stupid behavior spoil her ride, so she closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and let Mother Nature heal her soul.

  While the horse was slowly trotting down the path, Alyssa realized she’d never felt better in her life. She took in the sights around her, letting the beauty and tranquility of the landscape calm and soothe her shattered nerves. The horse led her quietly through orange and yellow trees, tall pines and on. Through the tree trunks and branches hay fields glittered like gold in the sun. She crossed a small stream, and the sound of its gentle water, the birds chirping in the trees and the rustling of fallen leaves under the horse’s hooves filled her heart with sheer joy and contentment.

  She felt careless and free, a sensation she hadn’t experienced in years if she ever had at all. It was as if the whole natural world was hugging her, keeping her safe and loved in its womb made of leaves and branches. Tears filled her eyes as she realized she would probably never get to experience such a strong and deep connection with her soul ever again. This was the closest to a mystical experience she could ever get, and she simply loved it.

  The horse was very docile and trotted quietly around without her having to worry too much about where to go; it seemed as if it knew exactly where they were and where it wanted to take her.

  After a while she lost track of time; she had no idea how far she’d gone or how long she’d been away. The horse stopped by a meadow, and Alyssa realized it had probably reached the place it had meant to take her. She looked around and a smile spread across her face; the grass was tall and green with colorful spots of wild flowers here and there, and the distant sound of water streaming slowly brought on a sense of peace. A few orange- and yellow-leaved trees provided shade from the sun, which was warm in spite of the crisp breeze. She felt in heaven. The grass looked soft and inviting, and she didn’t really care she hadn’t brought a blanket with her to protect her clothes from getting stained.

  She got off the horse, led it to the closest tree and tied the reins around a low branch. Then she stroked the gelding’s mane a couple of times and patted its cheek, smiling.

  “Thank you for taking me here. It’s such a beautiful place,” she said against its snout. The horse whinnied and she stroked his forehead with her knuckles. “We’ll stay here for a while, so have a snack now; this grass looks really yummy!”

  She laughed, thinking how stupid it would sound if somebody heard her talking to a horse. She’d always believed that animals could somehow understand humans, though, so she didn’t find it weird when the horse seemed to nod in response.

  She knelt down on the grass and stroked it gently, as if she were afraid it would sting her. But, just as she had expected, it was soft like goose-down, so she slowly lay down, enjoying the feeling of the grass blades caressing the side of her face like a thousand feathers.

  She inhaled its fresh smell, the familiar scent that always reminded her of her childhood vacations at her grandparents’ house. Tears filled her eyes again, and she let her mind wander back to those happy days

  Eventually, lost in happy memories and with her eyes wet with tears, she fell asleep, the grass stroking her face and the stream lulling her gently into peaceful unconsciousness.

  Chapter 14

  As soon as their guest was out of his sight, Sean went back to the stables shaking his head, the worried frown never leaving his face. He was sure letting her go o
n her own hadn’t been the smartest idea; she would get herself into trouble, he had no doubt about it. How could a city girl, a real New Yorker, know how to travel in the country, without traffic lights, road signs, the underground or taxis? And, most of all, without a cell phone? Although he had to admit it, she had quite surprised him when she’d mounted as easily as a cowgirl would have; he had never expected someone from the city to be so comfortable around a horse. He was talking from experience, as he had seen many of their guests having very big problems when it came to mounting a horse. But then again, she was a rich daddy’s girl, and she’d probably had riding lessons since she was a child, just for the sake of it.

  He felt uneasy when the vision of her toned legs climbing easily across the saddle flashed in front of his eyes, and he had to blink a couple of times to send it away. In spite of everything, he couldn’t deny she was quite attractive. Again, her legs and shaped bottom flashed in front of him and this time he had to shake his head to make that vision go away.

  “You okay, son?” His father walked in at that moment and frowned at him. Sean’s neck flushed with shame and he lifted his hand, swatting at the air as if to send an imaginary insect away.

  “Just an annoying fly,” he lied with a shrug. He couldn’t really admit what he had been thinking of, could he?

  He finished cleaning up the stables and, when his father asked him for help with the cows, he very happily accepted the distraction. There was no way he would ever let his mind wander in that direction again. Especially because of who that girl was. He had promised himself he would never let another Bethany fool him and break his heart like she had done. Ever.

  Four hours later, when his mother asked him whether their guest had mentioned having lunch late or anything, because she wasn’t around or in her room, Sean felt his blood go cold. He had known all along it was a stupid idea; he should have listened to his guts. He had been so busy all morning he hadn’t had time to even look at the clock, but when his mother had come out to ask him about Alyssa, he had noticed it was way past lunchtime and she wasn’t back.