He finally laughed, and the sound of his laughter filled her heart with joy. She’d missed it so much. It reminded her of all the times they’d bantered while she was in Wind Creek, and he’d laughed like that. Her attempts at making him smile had succeeded but now she was the sad one.
“I miss you, Sean.” Her tone turned serious, as tears threatened to spill. She could feel the sting behind her eyelids, but she swallowed hard and fought them back.
Sean’s face fell and his eyes lost their twinkle again.
“I miss you, too,” he said, looking straight at her. She wanted to climb inside the computer screen and lose herself in his arms.
Then, a second later he looked down, away from the webcam, and Alyssa noticed his expression change from loving to sad, to almost hard. A chill ran down her spine as uneasiness twisted her stomach. Something was wrong, very wrong.
“And this is why it’s going to be so hard for me to have this conversation with you now. I love you; I’ve never lied to you about that, but…” He looked away again and Alyssa felt as if someone had poured ice-cold water all over her, soaking her deep down to her soul. “I can’t take this any longer; I need you around. I’m done being content with seeing you through a computer screen. This is not how a relationship should be—not how I want it to be. I can’t have a long-distance relationship, Alyssa. I’m sorry; it just won’t work.”
Alyssa grabbed fistfuls of her comforter while her heart plummeted all the way down to her feet, ending with a thump as it hit the wooden floor.
This wasn’t happening; this couldn’t be real. Sean couldn’t be putting an end to their relationship just like that. He couldn’t be giving up so easily, not after telling her how much he loved her.
“Alyssa, please, say something.”
She shook her head, in full denial mode. This had to be just a misunderstanding; he obviously hadn’t meant to say those words to her.
“No. This is… I mean… You can’t… We… No, no, no.” She stammered, unable to form a single sentence. Her voice trembled, mirroring her trembling hands that were still fisting the comforter in a grip so tight she’d probably have sore fingers afterward. Her eyes filled with tears as a vice of grief snaked its way around her heart. This wasn’t happening.
“I hate being the one to burst our bubble, but I just can’t go on like this. I miss you too much, and it’s tearing my life apart. I’m… I’m moping around like an idiot, I can’t sleep a whole night through, I’m functioning on autopilot most of the time and what for? A chat at night?” He hung his head and shook it. Alyssa’s heart broke with every bob of his head. “We can’t go on like this, Alyssa. I don’t want to be miserable every minute of the day because I can’t be with you. If there’s no way for us to be together then we should just forget what happened and get on with our lives.”
“But it’s only been a few weeks,” she whined like a desperate child. “Give it a little more time, time to figure out how we can sort this out and make it work.” A tear rolled down her cheek, and stopped on her bottom lip. “Please.”
“Believe me, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. I tried to find a way for us to be together, just like I promised you I would, but there’s no way to make it work unless one of us ups and leaves. I don’t want you to leave your world, but I can’t leave mine to be part of yours, either—you know I’d never fit in, and my dad needs me here.”
Alyssa shook her head and refused to look at him; if their eyes locked, she knew she would start crying like a silly, heartbroken teenager.
“Alyssa, look at me. Please.”
She shook her head again and kept staring at the keys of her laptop as if they were interesting works of art.
“Don’t think this is easy for me; I’ve been thinking about it for days, trying to come up with a different solution but there aren’t any. We’re worlds apart, and we’ll never be able to find a way out.”
“So you’re taking the easy way out, huh?” she scoffed, shaking her head in disappointment. She was seething, and she knew she was acting like a spoiled brat now, but she didn’t care. He’d just ripped her heart out of her chest and crushed it with his cowboy boots. She had every divine right to hate him for giving up on them just like that.
“Fine, if that’s what you want, let’s put an end to this thing, whatever it was. There, you’re free. Enjoy your freedom.”
She slammed the laptop shut, putting an end to their conversation, and the walls closed in on her.
How had this happened? Only five minutes ago he was laughing and now she was sobbing with her face buried in her pillow, feeling short of air.
He was right when he said he’d never be able to fit in if he moved to New York, but she’d known from the beginning she would never ask him to; if there was one way to make things work between them, she knew she’d have to be the one to move—and she wouldn’t mind.
Nothing had felt right ever since she came back from her trip. She had no interest in going to expensive restaurants, fancy boutiques or classy parties on the Upper East Side. Her friends had noticed and questioned her, but she’d always given evasive replies and after a while they’d let her be.
Once she was out of their circles, she realized she was totally alone in a city that was starting to grow claustrophobic on her, stuck in a life she didn’t care about living anymore—the only reason she woke up every day was because she knew Sean was thinking of her, just like she was thinking of him.
But now it was all over. He’d put an end to the dream, shattered it with a hammer into a million tiny shards that she’d never be able to put together again.
In a little more than five minutes her life had fallen down a precipice, down into the eternal flames of hell. All she wanted now was to burn to ashes and get rid of the terrible pain that was crushing her chest like a clamp.
Sean let out a long, ragged sigh when Alyssa’s face disappeared from the screen. He scrubbed both his hands across his face, pulling his skin until his eyes almost popped out of their sockets. He felt the annoying sting of tears behind his eyelids as he realized what he’d just done. He’d thrown away the most wonderful thing he’d ever had, just because he was scared she’d get tired of this situation and would realize he wasn’t worth the trouble.
She deserved so much more than he could give her; it would be selfish of him to ask her to leave everything behind to move to a town where she’d bore herself to death. He’d been there before, and even though Alyssa was nothing like Bethany, she’d grown up in New York City, so there was no way she’d get used to living in Wind Creek, no matter what she said.
Up until tonight he’d been willing to leave everything and move just to be with Alyssa, because he couldn’t imagine living without her. She was the woman he’d been looking for all his life and now that he’d found her, he wouldn’t let a few thousand miles get in the way.
But once he’d understood he’d never be able to give Alyssa the life she deserved his mood had sunk. He’d always be stuck in his family ranch, unless he was heartless enough to sell it out and uproot his family. He knew he could never do that to his parents; what kind of ungrateful son would that make him?
Telling Alyssa it was over had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do in his life, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough to make things work and all the obstacles disappear. He knew she was probably in tears right now; she’d always been the one who believed they would get their happy ending, but it was only because she’d grown up used to getting what she wanted.
Her money couldn’t buy a way out of this mess this time, though—nothing could.
He’d seen her in her world—she was in her element there. Although she’d enjoyed her stay in Wind Creek, he was sure she’d get restless after a while. He should’ve resisted the attraction he felt for her. If only he’d kept his feelings well hidden for another forty-eight hours and hadn’t had that smartass idea of taking her to the cabin, she would’ve gone back to New York as if they’d n
ever met.
If he’d never known how well their lips fit and how perfectly their bodies matched, she’d be nothing but a nice memory now. She would’ve gone back to her life, met some wealthy guy who’d be able to give her the life she deserved, that Sean would never be able to give her, and she’d be happy. It was all he wanted for her—to be happy.
He switched off his computer and pulled out his wallet from the drawer of the nightstand. He opened it and took out the picture of him and Alyssa that Tammy had taken in Times Square. They looked so happy together, the perfect pair of sweethearts—and he’d thrown it all away.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry,” he said, rubbing his thumb over her face, as if he were actually stroking her hair.
A warm tear slid down his cheek and a hole opened up in his chest, right where his heart was. He’d never be able to get over her, no matter how many good reasons he could come up with.
He put the picture back into his wallet and dropped it on the nightstand, plopped down on the bed and closed his eyes.
He’d screwed up big time.
Chapter 41
Tammy had noticed something was wrong with Sean; over the last few days he’d been strangely silent, and whenever she’d tried to ask him about Alyssa, he’d always managed to somehow change the subject. It wasn’t until she’d met his eyes when he came out of the bathroom last night that she knew something terrible had happened. His eyes were haunted and had lost their glimmer; his usual five o’clock shadow had reached an unusual length, as if he hadn’t cared to look after it in days. He had dark rings under his eyes and his lips were set in a thin line, their corners turning downward as if he didn’t know how to smile anymore.
Knowing he’d deny anything was wrong, the following night she braced herself for what was probably going to end up in a fight between siblings, but there was no way she could bear to see her brother looking like that. When he tried to dodge her to let her in, she moved right in front of him and pushed him back inside the bathroom. He stumbled and stared at her with raised eyebrows.
“We need to talk,” she said, shutting the door behind her. Sean looked away.
“Move, Tammy.” He pushed her aside but she swatted his hand. He flinched, caught by surprise.
“I said, we need to talk.” Her tone was firmer now, showing him she meant business. “What happened? Does it have to do with Alyssa? Did you two have a fight or something?”
“It’s none of your business, Tammy. Let me get out.”
Tammy spun around, locked the door and dropped the key inside her sweater, knowing he wouldn’t dare to try to get it from there. Sean rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed snort.
“You’ve been acting all strange this past week. I know there’s something wrong. And you aren’t leaving this bathroom until you spill it—even if it means I have to sleep in the tub.”
To her surprise, Sean let out a long breath and plopped on the side of the tub, holding his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.
“It’s over,” he said. She did a double-take. No, she must’ve heard wrong. “It’s over, Tammy. I broke it off with her,” he added, as if he’d sensed her denial.
She dropped to her knees in front of him and removed his hands from his face. His eyes were bloodshot, and for the first time in her life she had a feeling she was going to see her strong, self-controlled brother cry.
“Why?” she asked, not knowing what else to say. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
“It’s never going to work with two thousand miles between us. I can’t ask her to leave her world for me, and you know I can’t leave Dad to run the ranch alone.” He shook his head with his eyes still closed, and a pained frown creased his face. “We can dream all we want, but this is just some silly fantasy. We could never be, no matter how hard we try.”
“This is wrong, you know it is. You’re so perfect together; she makes you so happy, and I saw the way she looked at you when we were in New York. She loves you, Sean, and you love her.” Tammy took his calloused hands and squeezed them; they were so big and rough, even though right now he looked more like a lost child than a sturdy cowboy. “Don’t throw this away; there must be a way to sort things out. Give yourselves a little more time to come up with a solution. Don’t give up like that. Please.”
“Do you think I’m happy about it? Do you think it’s easy for me?”
He stood up abruptly and she let go of his hands. He paced around the room like a caged mustang, and she was afraid that the next thing he’d do would be starting to smash things. He looked desperate and… devastated.
“I told you before: dreams don’t always come true, no matter how much we want them to.”
“Maybe we could convince Dad to hire some help? I could help, too, after school. If you knew Dad wasn’t alone, would you go? You could find some kind of job closer to Alyssa, if not in New York maybe in New Jersey, or somewhere a little farther out from the city.”
Sean smiled half-heartedly and crouched down in front of her, placing his hands on her cheeks.
“Tammy, you’re the sweetest sister a guy could have,” he said, his tone soft and sad at the same time. “But you’re too young to know how things work in this world. I don’t belong there; she doesn’t belong here. I thought we could work out our differences, but it was just wishful thinking.”
“I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life, Sean,” she said, looking straight into his eyes. “I may be young, but I saw how happy you two were. Throwing it all away for some silly hurdles on the way isn’t grown-up behavior, is it? I hate to see you hurting like that; it hurts me too.”
She stood up and so did Sean. She had her back to him and hunched a little as tears filled her eyes. She couldn’t bear to see Sean so sad and lose Alyssa too.
His arms wrapped around her and pulled her close to his chest. A sob escaped her mouth and Sean spun her around. When he saw a tear roll down her cheek, he pulled her close to him again, the way he used to do when she was little.
“I’m sorry this is hurting you, too. I just wish I had a magical wand to make things right, but I don’t. I’m so sorry.”
His voice was close to breaking and Tammy hugged him tighter, hoping she could transfer some comfort to him.
“Please promise me you’ll keep looking for a way to make things work between you and Alyssa.” Her tone was pleading. “I’m sure there is a way somehow. I’ll rack my brains too. She means too much to you; you can’t let her go like this. You can’t give up.”
Sean pulled back and gave her a weak smile, nodding ever so slightly. “Will you let me get out now? Please?”
Tammy retrieved the key from inside her sweater and handed it to him. Just before he took it, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his scruffy cheek.
“A promise is a promise; no cheating, okay?”
He chuckled and took the key, leaving the room a moment later. She had to do something.
Tammy knew she shouldn’t meddle. After all, Sean was old enough to take care of himself. But after another week went by and he kept getting gloomier, she decided she’d have to give them a little push in the right direction.
He was so stubborn, and once he’d gotten something inside his head there was no way he’d change his mind. He’d started off his relationship with Alyssa thinking she was out of his league. Tammy had seen the way he’d acted when they were in New York, never accepting Alyssa’s gifts without arguing first. Even though he was walking around like a zombie after his last chat with Alyssa, he was still convinced that this was the only way things could go.
Too bad Tammy didn’t agree with him.
She picked up the phone, dialed Alyssa’s number and slumped down on her bed. If Sean knew what she was up to, she’d be in trouble—but she was willing to run the risk, if it meant he would be happy again.
When Alyssa answered the call Tammy heard the empty tone of her voice, and she knew she was doing the right thing.
“Hey
Alyssa, it’s Tammy. I… um… I spoke to Sean,” she said, not sure if Alyssa would mind that she knew the story. Alyssa let out a sigh but didn’t say a word. “He’s miserable. He’s not shaving, he speaks only when our parents are around just so he won’t arouse suspicion, he goes back to his room straight after dinner, and he won’t hang out with anyone. I’ve never seen him like this, not even after things ended with Bethany.”
“Well, he was the one who thought we should break it off, not me. If he’s miserable, he can only blame himself.”
“He loves you, Alyssa. He’s crazy about you, and this break-up is killing him; but he’s a stubborn cowboy, and he wants to do what he thinks is best for you.”
“If he thinks breaking my heart is what’s best for me, then I think he needs to see a doctor—a good one,” Alyssa grumbled, and Tammy hoped she wouldn’t hang up on her.
“No, he thinks you deserve more than he could offer you; that’s why he doesn’t want you to leave New York.”
Alyssa laughed wryly. “This is insane. I can’t believe he’d throw what we had and what we could’ve had down the toilet just so I could keep up my lifestyle. A lifestyle I told him more than once I’m sick of.”
“I know. I told him he was making a huge mistake,” Tammy said, glad the conversation was going exactly where she wanted it. “That’s why I’m calling you now. It’s been almost two weeks and he isn’t any better than he was the first day. You have to speak to him, convince him to stop this self-inflicted torture.”
“There’s no way I’ll beg him!”
Tammy rolled her eyes, even though Alyssa couldn’t see her. Jeez, she was even more stubborn than her brother. No wonder it had taken them more than a week to get over their prejudices and start tolerating each other.
“You won’t have to beg him, Alyssa,” Tammy said as calmly as she could, wondering why she should be the one acting like the adult in the trio. “You’ll just have to tell him what you said to me; make him see he’s got it all wrong. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you, that you’ll be happier in New York with your rich friends and guys that can buy you things he’d never be able to afford.”
Hold on to Love Page 27