HOW DOES SOCIAL FEAR CONTROL YOU?
By now, you are beginning to see the ways in which social anxiety has prevented you from having a fulfilling personal life and career. In fact, social anxiety builds on itself. The more afraid you are, the more threatening even the idea of socializing becomes. Thus fear becomes phobia. To overcome your panic and make friends, you have to break the avoidance cycle and learn to depend on yourself.
Certainly, individual social needs differ from person to person, but the focus here is on finding a healthy and happy balance between private time and a rewarding social life. Each individual has the potential to develop a fulfilling social network and a better sense of self-worth. To reach these goals, it is essential to identify the severity of the problem (Chapter 1), understand its nature (Chapters 2, 3, and 4) and then take steps to correct your isolation by managing anxiety and refining your social skills. These indexes provide an important element of your map for change, and will be a useful reassessment tool in the months and years to come. Initially, you can use them to pinpoint areas for improvement; later, you will be able to take pride in areas that you are working on or that you have already improved or even mastered. In the next chapter, we will work on setting some specific, reachable interactive goals before we go on to discuss techniques of stress management and application of social skills.
CHAPTER FIVE
Goal-Setting: How to Build a Map for Social Success
When was the last time you left your house to go to the store? Yesterday? Last week? Some time ago? How did you get there? Walk? Drive? Whatever the case, you were able to negotiate going to the store via a very important process that you probably take for granted. Each street, every step, every turn, was part of a map you had programmed in your brain. Without this map or program, you would not have gotten there.
What frequently keeps a person from making a change is the lack of a map or direction. The first four chapters of this book have provided you with substantial information regarding your map for social change, a map you will soon develop, and will continue to use throughout this self-help program. You have created a number of self-profiles that are the basis for changes that you are going to make; consider these the key for the map you will make. Now, let’s take a practical view of these profiles before we move on to the how-to component of this self-help program. Then, with an understanding of what these case studies reveal, we will focus on your social goals, looking at where your life is now, and where you want it to be.
Before we begin, activate your PMA (positive mental attitude). Remind yourself that you can achieve interactive success. Now, in a positive, can-do frame of mind, list three reasons why you want to change your social life:
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2. _____________________________________________________________
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3. _____________________________________________________________
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Motivation is the crucial concept in bringing about change. Motivation is the fuel you will use, the energy you will spend to actualize the changes you want to make. How motivated to change do you feel right now? Let’s measure your degree of motivation.
5 —Extremely motivated. You recognize your potential for happiness and have a sense of urgency about remedying the problems that inhibit your quality of life. You are totally independent and take responsibility for problem solving. You persevere, keeping in mind the old saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” You haven’t given up, and you understand that the route to success has not only ups but downs.
4 —Substantially motivated. You understand the importance of resolving problems. You are fairly consistent, and are able to commit to many of the projects you wish to complete. You want to create change, but you sometimes question whether change is worth the effort—especially when you meet with failure.
3 —Fairly motivated. You know something is wrong, but you aren’t ready to admit it’s the poor quality of your interactions. At times you want to change, but you go back and forth about it, saying it’s “not worth it,” or “things are fine the way they are,” even though deep down you know that it would be worth it and things are not fine. You hesitate to take responsibility for your own happiness, refusing to see your role in the reality of the situation. You may give up on the task at hand, especially when the anxiety of confronting your fears increases to the point that you are uncomfortable.
2 —No real motivation. You are considering change, but this is mainly at the urging of others on whom you are dependent—in order to avoid conflict with them, you tend to agree, however halfheartedly, to try harder to be independent and social. You have succumbed to the problem—you let your anxiety and fear control you. As you see it, there is very little hope. Occasionally, though, you do have positive feelings, but they are quickly overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety when you are confronted with stress.
1 —Nonfunctional. Motivation is an abstract concept for you—social anxiety is something that others experience. You maintain that you are content, that you don’t want or need to change. “Problem? What problem? I prefer to be alone. I don’t need friends.” You probably would not even look at your social situation were it not for the consistent pressure of others, and even then, you usually remain in an extreme state of denial. You are immersed in an unhealthy balance of living, avoiding what you fear and depending on a few relatives or close friends for all your emotional and social support. Because you avoid interacting, it is difficult to point to interactive problems (they simply don’t come up because you don’t interact), though they are present. Total camouflage exists.
What is your level of motivation? Do you feel you have been objective in your assessment? Obviously the higher the level the more potential for success exists. If your level is on the lower side, ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do I want to change? Why or why not?
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2. Do I think change will happen by itself—without my involvement?
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3. Do I think that life goes on forever—whether I have a satisfying life or not—so that what is happening now really does not matter?
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4. Am I blaming someone else for my problem? Am I caught up in the process of blame to the point that I cannot address my own role in my social anxiety?
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5. Is my current life situation what I really want? Am I challenged and fulfilled in my work? Am I content and satisfied with my personal relationships? Or am I rationalizing because of my various fears and anxieties?
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Take a moment to think about these questions, and the answers you’ve written. You are probably familiar with the word fantasy. Think of it as unrestrained imagination. We’re going to use this imagination to hel
p you set your goals. Everyone has the ability to do this kind of exercise. Let me prove it to you. How many windows are there in the bedroom of your house or apartment? That’s right … how did you get the answer? You pictured your home in your mind. So use this ability now to begin picturing yourself as a person who interacts successfully. Before we begin, I want to stress that you must actually do these exercises to benefit from them. Reading through them is not enough. Take responsibility for your self-help by committing to do each and every exercise in this chapter and throughout this book. If you skip any exercise, you are not empowering yourself to change. Work step by step, however, and you are giving yourself a gift for the future. Now to the exercises.
Sit back, take a deep breath, and allow yourself to relax. Close your eyes. Use the television screen in your mind to visualize what interactive success means to you. You are walking into a social situation. You were invited because the other people enjoy your company and look forward to spending time with you. Imagine that there are other people there. What are they doing as you enter the room? They are glad to see you. What do you say? What do they say to you? Stay with this picture for a few moments. As you move around the room, picture your body relaxed and at ease with the situation. You are in control. How does it feel? Open your eyes.
Now sit back comfortably once again. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and picture yourself in a work environment. See it very clearly. Use your natural senses to develop the image. You were asked to make a presentation to your associates. You’ve been preparing for months. All your materials are in order and everyone is eager to hear what you have to say. What are your associates doing as you enter the conference room? They seem interested in your ideas. What do you say? What do they say to you? Your bosses are there. How do they respond? As you flip through your materials, you can feel that your body is relaxed and moving easily. You are in control. How does it feel? Open your eyes.
When you first work with imagery, you may feel self-conscious or embarrassed. The more you work with imagery the easier it becomes. Think of it as behavior rehearsal. We will continue to use imagery throughout this process, especially in the exercises in Chapters 6 (stress management) and 7 (self-awareness). Imagery will help you to visualize yourself as someone who interacts successfully—the ultimate goal of this self-help program. Remember, this is your time, and it will serve you best to be as open and honest as possible.
Planning Each Goal
In the blanks below, write whatever comes to mind. Do not skip any questions. Every step is essential.
My overall goal for social or interactive change is:
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My timetable for meeting this goal is:
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I have chosen this timetable because:
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This is a reasonable timetable because:
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Meeting my goal according to this timetable is important because:
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In this next part of the exercise, you will examine several areas of your life. Later, in Chapter 6, you will refer back to these areas when you draw your “Pie of Time”—the actual percentages of time and energy devoted to each, and then your ideal allocation. For now, identify your goals concerning each of the following:
Area of Concern
Goal
What I Will Do
Personal
Career/School
Family
Social
Other
It is essential that you allow yourself to come up with objectives in each of these categories. If you have trouble coming up with a goal for a particular category, think about the issues we’ve been exploring and how they affect your life (avoidance, dependence, low self-esteem, denial). One client, Andrea, skipped the family category completely, though I knew there were issues there to be addressed. After breaking it down by issues, however, she was able to state her ultimate goal with regard to her father: “I would like to make decisions about my career without feeling as though my father disapproves.” Later on in this chapter, you will begin to break down your strategy step by step. The steps Andrea identified to reach her goal included working to identify her own personal career objectives and standing up to her father by declaring these objectives to him. Eventually, she was able to confront her father and tell him: “My career goals are important to me, Dad, and while I appreciate your input and concern, I need to make these decisions on my own, and I hope that you will support me in what I choose.” So think again about these areas of your life and what you would like to achieve with each.
This next exercise moves you closer to creating the map for step-by-step change that will help you to reach your goals. Here you will identify things that may get in the way of reaching your goal, such as past situations that have set patterns, and you will also single out solutions that may include enlisting the support of someone you know. Think of this exercise as research and development—you are researching your own history with regard to the goal (similar situations, difficulties you might encounter), and developing a mode of operations that could include independent action as well as coordination with someone close to you.
My aim is to:
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A similar situation in the past is:
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Difficulties I might encounter include:
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Possible solutions to these difficulties include:
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Whom can I count on to help me to come up with an independent solution?
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How?
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Identifying Avoidance—and Avoiding It
In previous chapters, you have identified the situations that make you anxious or fearful. When setting social goals, it is a good idea to zero in on the problems that most interfere with your life. With an eye toward setting a plan of action, list the top three situations or places that you avoid:
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What effect does avoiding each of these situations have on your life? Consider:
• The psychological manipulation you go through to avoid it. If, for example, you avoid parties, you may tell yourself you’re too tired, that you don’t like the host’s group of friends, that they don’t really want you to come, and so on. At work, you might hesitate to accept challenges, fearing the anxiety and pressure to perform well. But you tell yourself it’s because you are too busy, or that you’re not the best
person for the job (even when you are).
• How your anxiety increases the more you avoid the situation. Remember the first time you avoided the situation? You probably seized on a semilegitimate excuse. But when it comes to interacting, it’s “use it or lose it.” The more you avoid things, the less self-confident you will be. If you are in school, you may carry a fairly easy course load rather than challenge yourself with a more adventurous curriculum.
• How much you lose—gratification, a sense of well-being, satisfaction, or success.
• How much avoiding it decreases your self-esteem and increases your feelings of failure.
Write down some of the ways your anxiety has interfered with your life.
CAREER/SCHOOL:___________________________________
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SOCIAL LIFE:____________________________________________________
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Does avoidance make your life easier? How? Given all the things you miss because you avoid them, is the short-term solution really the best one?
Cause and Effect
Think about how you learned to avoid. You weren’t born with this problem. You weren’t horn anxious. You may have been set up for it by environmental programming—but you weren’t born that way. Below, I’ve adapted the chart I used in Chapter 1 to explain the development of social anxiety. As an exercise, think back to when you were a child. Now fill in this chart, recalling a specific event and the ways in which it contributed to your anxiety.
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