Personal Questions
As you move further into the realm of conversational intimacy, you may be tempted to ask a more personal question. Such questions entail risk that you will offend the other person. Ask them with extreme caution—especially on subjects such as financial matters, past relationships, and religion. If you feel you are developing a close rapport, you could broach a subject carefully by softening it with a qualifier such as:
“Excuse me for asking, but …”
“I don’t mean to get personal, but …”
Don’t take it as a personal rejection should your interactive partner choose not to answer the question. Again, keep the conversation going. And if someone asks you a personal question that you don’t wish to answer, be prepared with an easy way to demur: “I’d rather not talk about that. But I was wondering …” Then use the techniques described in this chapter to change the subject gracefully.
Being asked an overly personal question may embarrass you. Let your comfort level be your guide. If you do not wish to answer, that’s okay. The person probably meant no offense and was asking only out of genuine interest. Try to continue on in the conversation to see what else is there. If you find your anxiety level rising, use relaxation techniques to bring it under control.
Active Listening
As a skill, active listening draws on many of the abilities you’ve developed so far, from your relaxation techniques to body language to conversation skills. Here are four ways to be a good listener:
1. Instead of thinking ahead or worrying about what you’ll say next, focus on what the other person is saying right now.
2. Use positive body language to encourage the other person (maintain eye contact, smile, nod).
3. Occasionally restate the point the other person is making in another way (don’t merely parrot their words), so that he or she knows you understand and are paying attention. Ask for and offer examples to support what is being said.
4. Look for hints of something that the person seems truly interested or involved in. Seize the moment with a follow-up question such as “Why do you say that?” or, “What happened then?”
5. Use self-awareness and relaxation techniques both to improve your ability to focus and to develop your listening ability.
Humor
Humor is a great social lubricator—it can make interacting go more smoothly. If you are good at telling jokes, try a few. Telling jokes is risky, however; do not tell ethnic, racist, or off-color jokes. And as always, pay careful attention to interactive chemistry. One high school student who attended my program reported that, although he tried to become part of a popular social group at his new school, playing on the football team and joining several clubs, he was not invited to socialize with the other kids off the field. He had become known for telling joke after joke, in vain hopes of being accepted. When we examined things more carefully, it became clear that his style of telling jokes—sometimes irrelevant, sometimes just plain corny—was not appealing to the peer group he was associating with. Quite simply, the chemistry was off.
If you wish to inject humor and levity into an interaction, it’s better to tell funny stories. If the funny stories are about yourself, great: People enjoy mildly self-deprecating humor. You can also find amusing true stories in the newspaper.
Displaying Warmth and Empathy
Warmth means showing that you care about another person. Empathy is the capacity to share another person’s experience, to “put yourself in his shoes,” as the saying goes. Some ways to express warmth and empathy:
1. Use verbal and nonverbal signals to encourage the person to continue.
2. If the situation arises, describe experiences you’ve had that are similar to those of the other person, and explain that you can understand how he or she feels.
3. Use the person’s name during the conversation (a person’s own name is the sweetest sound in the world to him or her).
4. Become genuinely interested in other people, and show it.
5. Make the other person feel important.
Displaying warmth and empathy is a way of truly demonstrating to another that you value him or her, and is often the source of a person’s immediate positive feeling toward you. In the words of psychologist William James, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Conveying warmth and empathy, combined with being a good conversationalist, will help you to show appreciation for another person.
SELF-DISCLOSURE
In order to begin to reveal to your new acquaintance who you really are, it is helpful to discuss topics that are important to you. Be willing, as the conversation progresses, to share your beliefs, values, attitudes, and goals. These reveal a deeper level of what you are about. Self-disclosure includes facts, thoughts, ideas, aspirations, and deepest feelings.
The trick is timing. You don’t want to reveal the really intimate, personal aspects of your life until you have known a person for some time, but you can build trust by gradually revealing your interests, hopes, and background. Sufficient mutual trust must be established so that both parties are comfortable. Then, more intimate details can be shared.
Three Levels of Self-Disclosure
There is a pattern of increased trust and intimacy. Becoming familiar with it may help you to develop a sense of timing when it comes to self-disclosure.
1. Cliché greetings: Responses to questions like “How are you?” and “How’s the family?” Your basic answer should be brief and as positive as possible. This tells the person that your attitude is open, friendly, and available for conversation.
2. Background of experiences: Your job, where you’re from, what you do for fun, activities you’re involved in. At this stage, people actually began to know each other.
3. Opinions and preferences: Your attitudes, values, and concerns.
Some Conversational “Don’ts”
1. Talking about illnesses in detail.
2. Stating your opinions in a way that puts down anyone who disagrees.
3. Gossiping or speaking badly of others.
4. Spending too much time talking about yourself.
5. Revealing all your personal problems.
6. Using terminology or jargon unfamiliar to others.
7. Dominating the conversation.
HOW TO CLOSE THE CONVERSATION
Timing is crucial in closing a conversation. If you let your anxiety dictate your actions, you may end it too soon and lose out on the opportunity to move from the first conversational level to the second. If a conversation goes on too long, with one or the other doing all the talking, both you and your partner may feel drained or bored. Closing the conversation is similar to changing the subject. You can use the same techniques to offer the other person a chance to agree to conclude (a trip to the buffet table or bar, the need to “get back to work,” a chance to speak to the host or guest of honor). Follow with a comment such as “I’ve really enjoyed talking with you,” perhaps adding, “I hope we can talk again soon.” If the person responds favorably, it is okay to follow up with a suggested plan for a future meeting; if the interaction is a social one, ask for the person’s phone number, or offer yours (“Are you in the book? I’d like to call you sometime,” or “My number’s in the book. Give me a call if you’d like to get together”). In workplace situations, you might say, “I could use some feedback on my next project. Could we arrange a time that I could run it by you?” If the response is very favorable, you might even suggest a specific time and date to get together.
As you conclude, say the person’s name again (if he or she is a new acquaintance), and reiterate with body language and with words that you have enjoyed talking with him or her. Smile and maintain eye contact. Then, give a warm handshake or nod, if it is appropriate, and be on your way.
Don’t draw the ending out—a protracted closing to a conversation can be counterproductive. Unlike the beginning of the conversation—where almost anything can serve as an opener—the
ending does make a lasting impression, so be sure to end in a friendly, confident, and upbeat manner.
One more thing: Many people find they are intrigued by a person whom they feel they didn’t get to talk to long enough. It’s much better to leave before you’ve said everything you could possibly think of to say. That way, there will be more to talk about next time!
MAKING THE CALL
Suppose you had a successful social encounter at a party. Last night went fine. But now you sit by the phone, the person’s phone number in hand, afraid to make that call you know you want to make. Maybe the person doesn’t really want you to call. (Then why did she give you her phone number?) Maybe she’s changed her mind. (There’s only one way to find out!) If you have a problem following up, you need to internalize this self-coaching advice: Dread, then do.
If you feel anxious, use relaxation techniques to ready yourself to make the call. Then make it. No matter what, you will feel relieved and even proud of yourself once you’ve done it.
Appropriate follow-up is crucial; otherwise, all the groundwork you’ve laid in your initial conversation will go to waste. When you call someone on the phone, remember all the skills you’ve practiced so far. And be sure to call when you say you are going to call. Imagine how you’d feel if someone whose company you’d enjoyed promised to call you on Tuesday and the call didn’t come until Friday, if at all. And finally, remember to ask about things the person told you in previous conversation. This is your chance to broaden your new friendship, so make plans and follow through on them soon. (Remember: friendship first. It’s okay, especially at this stage, for a woman to initiate a social engagement with a man, whether it leads to romance or not.)
If you would like to follow up with someone in your company or outside it who could become a valuable part of your career network, the procedure is much the same. Stay in touch in whatever ways are appropriate for your workplace. A clipping of a work-related article with a simple note—“Bill: Thought this would interest you,” and your name—lets the person know you appreciated his knowledge and insight. If you like, you could follow up on an outside contact with a brief note saying you enjoyed meeting the person, and then call later, perhaps with an invitation for a business lunch or a lecture. Developing contacts inside your workplace and beyond could help you build job opportunities. And feeling connected to the business community in which you work can be fulfilling too. People may soon want to begin networking with you!
As you proceed to Chapter 9, which further explores ways to refine the social skills you are working on, ask yourself whether you have felt that your social skills are at the crux of the problem. Many clients have suggested this on first meeting with me. But to blame your lack of interactive success on poor social skills alone is to deny the presence of social anxiety. The two go hand in hand. In fact, one of my clients, a fifty-one-year-old woman who was getting divorced from her husband after twenty-five years of marriage, initially argued that her interactive skills were rusty because she had been out of the mainstream during her years as a homemaker. As we worked together to identify the issues she was facing, she ultimately realized that she felt a great deal of anxiety about her situation and indeed was afraid of entering the workplace after so many years outside it. Use your self-help techniques to allow you to make forays into the interactive world. Then follow up, using the methods described here. There is very little to lose, and much to gain.
CHAPTER NINE
Applying Your Interactive Skills
You now have the basic components you will need to create your map for change. This chapter explores the ways you can apply your interactive skills to specific areas of your life: your personal life (friendship and dating), your current work environment, the job search, and mixing business and pleasure. Building on the strategies included in the last chapter, this chapter will show you how to create or enhance your social system. When and where should you use the self-help strategies included here? In whatever interactive situations you confront, from the purely casual to the more formal, both in your personal life and at work. The previous chapter detailed the finer points of interaction. This chapter will provide you with strategies to apply what you have learned to these specific areas of your life.
Whether you’ve lived in your community for decades or just moved there last week, interactive skills are an essential part of developing your own social system. Let’s suppose you did just move to an area. How would you begin to look for friends and business contacts? One way would be to define your own interests, and find people who do what you like to do—sports, continuing education, crafts, or other activities, for example. The same holds true for a longtime resident hoping to meet more people. In my practice, I have found so many people who desire friendship that I once thought about creating a formal friendship service. These days, it can be very difficult to meet people, given the stresses of our society. It does take effort, but the rewards are well worth it.
The more you are able to apply these interactive skills in a natural, spontaneous manner, the more success you will achieve. Spontaneity, after all, is a vital part of creating good interactive chemistry between you and the people you encounter. We’ve talked about chemistry before. Think of chemistry as the energy created by the mutual feeling of being understood and accepted. As you become familiar with the concepts explained in this chapter, you will clarify your own values and gain a heightened understanding of what particular qualities are important to you in your personal and working relationships.
First, let’s look at the different types of relationships and the role chemistry plays in them.
YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
Friendship
Friendship can be one of the most fulfilling and important components of your life. Without close friendships, there can be a void. (In fact, a sense of “something missing” is one feeling new clients often cite as a reason for seeking help with social anxiety.) Devising strategies for successful interaction will enable you to enrich the relationships you already have as well as to develop new ones. As you examine your current relationships, ask yourself how many close friends you have. Consider the basic components I use to define quality friendships:
Understanding: Taking the time and effort to get to know who your friend is, and what his or her needs are. He or she should do the same for you.
Empathy: The ability to step into the shoes of your friend and see the world from his or her perspective.
Support: Showing that you care and are available in times of need, and feeling that your friend is someone you can count on as well.
Sharing time: Creating opportunities to allow the friendship to grow. It is possible to develop and maintain friendships over the telephone. But shared time can be a way of bonding and becoming closer.
Sharing common interests, goals, and values: People most often form bonds of friendship when they are interested in the same things and share a common core of basic beliefs. At the very least, you should respect your friend’s interests, goals, and values, even if you don’t agree. (In fact, good friends may find they strongly disagree on certain things—but closeness means accepting each other’s differences and being able to discuss or argue productively.)
Giving and taking: The more sharing, the greater the friendship. Both parties should receive something from the relationship: understanding, empathy, or just good times.
Mutual attraction and opportunities to have fun: You see something in the other person that you admire or can relate to. And you enjoy doing things together or talking about things that interest you.
Levels of Friendship
Friends play many roles in our lives. They are our playmates, our confidantes, our colleagues, and our role models. Most people have a number of friends of varying degrees of closeness. As you consider the friendships in your life, think about the following categories, which describe three different levels of friendship:
Close: This describes one’s most intimate friend or friends. Most peo
ple have one or two friends who fall into this category. There is good energy between you, and you can have fun together. A close friend is someone you can really count on in times of need; someone who you would do almost anything for, and who would do almost anything for you.
Casual: This describes someone with whom you have a much less intimate relationship. Most people have several casual friendships (though the sky’s the limit; you might have many, even dozens, of casual friendships). This is someone you get together with only once in a while and whose company you enjoy; but the depth of your friendship is much less than with a close friend.
Friend with a purpose: This is usually someone with whom you share a common interest. For example, a person you get together with to play cards, play ball, carpool with, or attend business functions. Workplace friends often fall into this category. What characterizes the friend with a purpose is that you meet to perform a given activity, not just to socialize.
Most of us have the opportunity for casual contact with other people throughout the day. How do you tell when there is a possibility for friendship? The following list of characteristics may help. As you adapt the techniques outlined in Chapter 8 to enhance your interactions, use the list below to consider whether a basis exists for a friendship of any type. Of course, it’s not necessary to fulfill all of these characteristics, but it’s usually true that the more you find, the better the chance of a genuine friendship developing. What you are looking for is a pattern of connections that suggests the basis for further conversations or activity.
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