by Dawn Lanuza
His mother did the same—laugh at the idea and not fully commit to it. Elan thought that was because his mother wasn’t ready to let him go just yet, and he knew why. He was the only one she had left. Sure, there was her group of friends, but she lived alone in the house that he and Gia had grown up in.
Elan had suggested that she live with someone—a friend, a helper—or if she ever met someone and fell in love again, he and Gia would be fine with that. But his mother insisted she was okay and she actually liked being alone.
When the group got ready to carpool, he checked with her again, just in case. “You don’t need a ride back?”
She shook her head. “I’ll ride with Carmen. I’ll be fine.” She squeezed his arm. “Will you be all right driving by yourself?”
He thought it was funny, being asked that. “Yes. Of course.”
His mother cupped his cheek and patted it. “You look like you need some company. You could still come with us. I heard Tina’s niece will be there.”
She rolled her eyes when she said it, and that made Elan laugh. She never pushed hard about setting him up with girls, but she didn’t stop trying either. Even if she couldn’t present the idea with a straight face.
“I’m fine,” he assured her, fishing his car keys out of his pocket. “I’ll see you next week.”
She nodded and smiled as he walked to his car.
“If you need to miss a weekend, that’s okay too,” she added. “Gia called me the other day to schedule a weekend with Abby.”
Elan paused, looked his mother in the eyes, and thought there must be more to this. Before he could discuss it, his mother waved and rode away in the van with her friends.
He opened the door and got in but didn’t start the car immediately. Elan watched as the women all left the parking lot eventually. The empty lot reminded him of how free he was for the rest of the day and how heavy and overwhelming that suddenly felt.
He sat in his car and felt his freedom but didn’t know what to do with it.
When his phone rang, Elan stared at the name before picking up. It was Jules.
He answered the call and tried to listen to her passing on information so quickly he could barely catch up. Of course, it was about Caty, and it sucked that it was back to this—finding out things about her from secondary sources.
“I just thought I’d let you know.”
“Thanks,” was all he said.
“Should we expect you?”
It took him awhile to answer; the word was at the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t let go of it yet.
“Elan?” Jules sounded worried.
“Did she ask for me?”
“Well . . . no. But—”
“Is she okay?”
“Yes, but—”
“Then no.”
Caty laid the hydrangeas she’d picked from the Coronados’ garden on the table, getting ready to use the floral scissors. It was the day after Sarge’s funeral, and despite the previous night’s successful party at Casa Isabella, the town was somber.
She was thinking about doing a photo shoot just for the sake of keeping busy and being productive while she was in town. She had to leave sometime soon, but she honestly didn’t know which would be worse—staying in her hometown or going back to the city where she wasn’t welcome.
So Caty decided to play with the flowers and make a centerpiece for the Coronados so they could enjoy the blooms. Alone in the house, she worked in silence, humming an annoying song she’d heard on the radio. Kip was at work, and their mother was having lunch with the ladies of the Tourism Club.
She started cutting stems and placing them in a vase. Hydrangeas were pretty easy to arrange; she had done it plenty of times before, but today it felt like she was relearning things in slow motion.
When she was done and satisfied with what she created, Caty decided to walk back to the Coronados’ to deliver the centerpiece. She needed to walk. Needed to do something. Needed to not think about things.
She buzzed at the gate. Much to her surprise, Juliana opened it.
“Hey. No work?” Caty guessed.
“Had to pick up something I forgot.” She eyed the flowers in Caty’s hand. “What’s up?”
“Just dropping these off for your mom.”
Juliana took the vase and reminded Caty, “She’s with your mom. For lunch.”
“Right.” Caty had been forgetting things lately. Maybe she had just stopped paying attention to every detail. She felt tired thinking about it.
“Caty?” Juliana called. “Are you okay? Do you want to come in for a minute? I have time.”
Caty hadn’t been in the Coronados’ house since she and Juliana both moved out of San Juan. It was a long time ago, but looking around the house and at the familiar room, her heart softened.
“How are you holding up?”
She followed the sound of Juliana’s voice, a little bit disorientated.
“About Sarge, I mean.”
“Oh,” Caty gulped. She was fine, she guessed. “I’m okay.”
“You want anything? Water? Have you eaten?”
She raised her hand and chuckled. “I’m good.”
Juliana studied her for a moment. “How long are you planning to stay?”
Caty answered, “Not sure yet,” and she followed Juliana over to the couch.
“Do you like what they did to this room?” Juliana tried again.
Caty knew Juliana was trying to make her talk. She probably seemed out of it, so she looked around the room and assessed it. They had redecorated, gotten rid of the chunky, old wooden furniture and replaced it with plush sofas in bold red.
“Who picked the color?”
“Mom,” Juliana sighed.
“It’s clashing with the walls,” Caty noted. “Is she planning to repaint?”
“No, but I’m going to suggest it now.”
Caty appreciated the fact that Juliana still had faith in her judgment, even about small things like this.
“How are you and Kip? Did he do something stupid? Be honest.”
“What?” Juliana laughed. “No. Not yet. Not today.”
They laughed, remembering how they had talked and laughed about boys in school. At first it had been weird that Juliana and Kip were together, but it was okay now that she finally understood they really were serious.
“How’s New York?”
“It’s . . .” Despite feeling as if she didn’t belong, Caty was still enthusiastic about New York. It was her dream city. “Great. You ever think about visiting?”
“Actually, Kip and I were planning to,” Juliana answered.
“Well, make it soon, ’cause I’m not sure how long I’ll last there.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it sounded real.
“You’re thinking about moving again?”
Caty shrugged. “I might have to. But don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave New York.”
“I can’t imagine you would,” Juliana snorted. “Ever since we were kids, all you’ve talked about is New York. Are you Samantha-ing it up there?”
“God, that’s such a high standard.” Caty rolled her eyes, giggling at the Sex and the City reference. “It’s just not how I always imagined it would be.”
“Isn’t that how it always is?”
“I water this guy’s plants, answer his phone, and pick up his dry cleaning.” Caty frowned. “So far, I’m replaceable in New York.”
“But that wasn’t what you intended to do when you went there, was it?”
“No.” She laughed. “I wanted to be something. Do something. Create beautiful things.”
“And you’re not doing any of that?”
“I made a cactus bloom,” Caty replied, feeling a little proud. “Man, those suckers can be a pain. But they’re pretty neat as props.”
Juliana laughed. “You’re still you, Caty. You can’t be replaced. No one can ever be you.”
Caty paused, bowed her head, and took in the words. “Thanks, Jules.”
Juliana gave her a curious smile, brows meeting. “Jules? When did you ever call me that?”
Never. But Elan does. “It’s your name, isn’t it?”
Juliana considered. “Yeah. Well, I like it better than my full name, so stick with it.”
Caty nodded, and a comfortable silence fell between them. She heard Juliana take in a breath before asking, “So, I’m not sure if I should ask, but whatever happened with Elan when he visited New York?”
“Why, what’d he tell you?”
“He hasn’t said a thing. I mean, Elan and I don’t really talk about our personal lives so much, but a souvenir would have been nice.”
“He didn’t get any,” Caty recalled, even if she was working hard these days not to remember. But it was hard—every day she walked the same streets they had, rode the same train, had her bagel in the morning, frequented Dumbo at night. “Sorry, he had very little time.”
“Oh, yeah,” Juliana nodded. “Sucks that his mom was rushed to the hospital again, huh?”
The color drained from Caty’s face; Juliana noted the shock and bit her lip. “He didn’t tell you.”
Caty coughed and cleared her throat. “No, he mentioned there was an emergency. I just didn’t ask about it.”
“Why not?”
Because that’s personal, she defended herself. But then again, was it more personal than the things he’d already told her about his father? Maybe there was only so much he could give, and she couldn’t decide if it was enough.
Caty gave Juliana a weak smile. “If he wanted to tell me, he would have.”
She agreed, giving Caty a nod. Caty could tell that Juliana had something on her mind and wasn’t ready to share it.
“Is his mom okay?”
Juliana nodded.
Good. She could never forgive herself if she had broken up with the guy at the same time something awful was happening to his mother. Well, she didn’t even break up with him, not really, no matter what Jimmy and Lucian said.
Juliana sighed. “Are you guys—?” She didn’t finish the question. How could Caty answer when she didn’t even know herself?
“I don’t know.”
Juliana laughed. “Okay, well, that’s—”
“Not ideal, I know,” Caty ended the sentence for her.
“We kinda thought you guys were . . .” She gestured with two fingers twined around each other. “The visit didn’t help?”
“God, no. If anything, it only confused me more.”
“Why?”
“Because,” she sighed, “trust me to like unavailable men.”
“He’s not unavailable.” Juliana paused for a beat. “I think?”
“Is he seeing someone else here?” She just needed to know, she realized.
“No.” Juliana laughed. “Quite the opposite. He has always been that way. He’s available but unavailable.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Come to think of it, I don’t either.” Juliana started to say something else, paused, and then started all over again. “I used to have a crush on him in school, ’cause he was just one of those guys all the girls like. He’s nice, he’s smart, he looks good. Sort of a no-brainer.”
Caty nodded, grinning. She wondered if Elan knew about Juliana’s old crush. She also wondered how he would react now if he found out about it.
“I’ve never seen him with anyone, and it’s not like women didn’t try. He seemed open to the idea, but somehow things just didn’t follow through.”
“You mean he didn’t follow through.” Which made sense. She gave herself a mental high five, a pat; I knew it!
“I don’t know enough. It’s not like we talked about our relationships. We were more like study buddies,” Juliana explained.
“He was in love with you. Did you know that?”
“Oh God, no,” Juliana gasped, blushing in spite of herself.
“He was when I met him.”
Juliana sighed. “Maybe he felt something, but I don’t think he was ever in love with me.”
Caty pursed her lips. “What makes you so sure?”
“Because, Catalina, and you should know better.” Jules paused dramatically. “When you’re in love, everything seems urgent. Everything has to be now. You have to be with them now. You have to know now. You get what I mean?”
She did. Didn’t she act that way whenever she felt something for a guy? Hadn’t she made her dad worried sick when she’d she snuck out to be with a boy she was infatuated with? Didn’t she always find a way to get the attention she wanted from boys? Hadn’t she risked being caught by Madeline just because she needed to see Otto?
“Elan and I knew each other for a long time, and we’ve never had that sense of urgency. We were comfortable. We got along. I like him, but as a friend.” Her voice was loud and clear, and it sounded like a message especially for Caty.
It was petty to bring it up again, especially since Elan had been straightforward about being over Juliana, but she couldn’t stop double-checking facts.
“When Kip left for Toronto, did you ask him to move back for you?”
“No,” Juliana answered. “That was his decision.”
Caty pouted. “So it’s like what Lucian said. Someone has to be the braver one.”
“Sure? That sounds sensible.”
But her brother, Kip, had always been the reckless one. He was the one who did drastic things, like moving to another country just for a chance with a girl.
“But I was already sure of him before that. I just wasn’t so brave in the beginning,” Juliana added. “So I don’t know. I guess what I’m saying is this.” She took a deep breath. “There’s no first or most when it comes to love. None of that matters at the end of the day. What’s important is that you both give and receive.”
“Did Elan tell you that he used to play basketball?”
Juliana looked surprised, “Really? No.”
Caty smirked, confirming to herself that he had shared something with her alone. “Not well. But yeah.”
She thought it through. Despite what happened that night in New York and this information she just confirmed, it still felt as if she was at the edge, and no one was on the other side.
“I don’t want to leave New York.”
“No one said you have to,” Juliana assured her. “Why did you think that? Unless . . .”
Juliana’s eyes widened as she fully understood what Caty wasn’t saying. She blurted out, “You were thinking about leaving New York because of him?”
“No,” Caty asserted, looking away.
Juliana gasped, “Caty!”
“I wasn’t, okay? It’s just that New York is pretty shitty for me right now, and it’s bursting my bubble.”
Juliana didn’t respond, and Caty looked at her closely, afraid of what she’d see in her eyes.
“Stop it,” Caty barked.
“Come on! You haven’t even told me about that night you guys disappeared on my parents’ wedding anniversary!”
“Nothing to tell.”
She teased, “That’s not what he told me.”
Caty leaned forward. “If he said anything about sleeping in, I will cut off his tongue.”
“You guys slept together?”
Caty huffed, leaned back. “I hate you right now.”
Juliana laughed. “He never told me anything. That guy tells nothing to anyone. Except that one time he helped me on a test and saved my ass.”
Caty narrowed her eyes. “He tells nothing to anyone? Even you?”
“He’s like a ziplock bag. Shut tight. Except maybe with you?”
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Caty faked a laugh and settled on her side of the couch. Juliana stayed put, smiling at her like this was the best day of her life. “So you like him,” she concluded.
Caty shrugged a yes, even if the answer was obvious. She knew it, had even told Elan, and she wasn’t embarrassed about it.
“And I know he likes you, ’cause he’s been here a lot lately.”
“In your house?”
“In San Juan,” Juliana corrected. “It’s like he’s gathering intel on you.”
Caty covered her face. “Why here? Why didn’t he go to Toronto? There are much nicer memories of me there.”
Juliana reached for her arm. “Hey, we have nice things to say about you here too.”
Caty smiled back. Maybe it was true. Maybe her life here wasn’t as horrible as she’d always thought it was. “Thanks.”
“Plus, whatever he heard from the others, he doesn’t seem to like you any less.”
“He’s not in his right mind,” Caty joked. It was so much easier to be self-deprecating than to agree with what Juliana was trying to tell her.
Caty laughed nervously. “Did you tell him I’m not the easiest person to hold on to? I’m loud; I’m a little out there. I throw tantrums—I like being spoiled. I’m highly allergic when it comes to talking about things I’d rather not think about.”
“Like about leaving New York so you can be with him?”
“And I live too far away,” Caty finished. She looked up at the ceiling and noted that the chandelier had to go. It didn’t match the new couch. But she was just evading the truth. “I think he’s the only one who ever knew this much about me and still hasn’t given up.”
“Did you want him to?”
“I did kind of push him there,” she said, not exactly proud of it. “I haven’t been talking to him much these days.”
“Why not?”
“Because we live far away, and we’re naive to think we can keep the relationship alive, don’t you think? I’m never gonna leave New York. He clearly needs to stay here—he’s got a good job, and his family is here.”
“Maybe he’s in love with you too.”