When the meeting concludes I go to talk privately with Maxum. “Got a minute?” cornering him in the meeting room he slants his head to the side towards the front door. We walk outside and around the building. “This may be a very intense couple of days, maybe longer.”
“You’re telling me, it’s been getting harder for me to stay away from Lily. This may be the time I break and can’t hold back.”
“Luca’s due home in a couple of weeks, he’s going to freak out.” A change of subject is needed because I know we’re both worrying over how our time away with the girls will play out.
“Axe doesn’t want to call him. He wants him to keep his head in the game while he’s away. I can’t believe he’s coming home soon, I’ve missed the little shit.”
“I bet he’s not so little anymore.” I look up at Rae’s window. I haven’t seen her since I brought her here, some of it’s due to the fact that I know I won’t be able to keep my hands off of her.
“She’s going to be alright. We’ll get her through this,” he states, clamping his hand on my shoulder.
“I have a feeling they’re both going to lose their shit when they find out they’ll be stuck with the two of us up at the cabin.”
“You can bet your ass it’s going to be a firework display of epic proportions.”
“I’d love to be a fly on the wall when they’re told.” We both chuckle at the visions this brings to the forefront.
“When do you think we’ll be leaving?”
“Most likely within the next twenty-four hours.”
“Alright, I’m going to wrap some things up for while we’re away. Catch ya later.” He walks away, but I can’t seem to remove my eyes from her family’s room. Just a peek, I only need a momentary visual of her.
Ralynn
I wake up from a sleep-induced coma to hear Lily screeching...loudly. “What the hell? Lily, why is your voice an octave higher than the human ear can take?”
“Because...ugh, because our family has decide that you, me, Jaxson and Maxum should go spend some quality time up at the cabin house.”
“Excuse me?” My ears must be deceiving me…there’s no way my father would ever agree to this. “I don’t think I heard you correctly? Could you repeat that?”
“Oh no, you heard me right. How in the hell they all think this is a good idea is beyond my comprehension!”
“Alright, hang on a second, at least let me get my eyes fully open, would ya? Wait...wait a fucking minute!” I scream, fumbling out of bed to stand there. My pain is temporarily forgotten as my temper takes hold. “What the ever-loving fuck are they thinking? No, I don’t wanna go anywhere! I wanna stay here with my family. And I sure as fuck don’t wanna be alone with him!” I’m pacing, pulling at my hair and rubbing my hands down my arms and I can feel panic trying to set in. I can’t be alone with him. He knows. Even with everything I’ve been through, he still holds a place in my heart. And with one look in my eyes he saw all of my demons that I’ve been hiding for so long. Somehow, he knows and I’m too fucking ashamed. I’m tainted now so even if I thought there was ever a chance with him, and he’s proven that there’s not.
I’m worthless.
I’m damaged.
I’m a nobody.
I could never give him what he needs.
I may never be able to give anyone what they need.
I’m lost in a haze of self-loathing.
I can’t ever move forward until I deal with what’s happened...what I’ve allowed to happen. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to break it and reprimand the girl standing in front of me. I hate her, I pity her, and I never want to be her again.
“When?” whispering out, I can’t help but stress over what all is happening around me.
“Tomorrow,” Mom answers. “The guys feel this is the only way to keep you somewhere that’s untraceable and allow you time to recover while they figure out how to deal with the DA and his son.”
If this situation wasn’t so severe, I would laugh at the aspect that Mom refuses to speak their names. “Okay, Momma.” I just don’t have the energy or strength to fight them any longer.
“What?” Lily hollers out. “Since when is this okay?” she probes, planting her hands on her hips. She’s glaring at me, but she’s the reason I’m doing this. She’s so scared of being left that she won’t even open up and give Maxum the time of day. I’m not the only one who needs to face their fears and deal with their issues. Her mom left her, Luca left and somehow, she thinks that it’s a ticking time bomb on when everyone else will abandon her.
“Because, as much as I fucking hate it, our parents and family can do what they need to do without worrying about us.” I inject a note of false cheer in my voice and see Mom’s eyebrows raise. “Besides, we can bring games and shit, drive them crazy.” They used to hate when we were younger and wanted them to ‘play with us.’
“Sure, I’ll run home and pack up my Barbie and Ken dolls.” Rolling her eyes at me I laugh for the first time in what feels like forever. “Or, maybe I’ll grab Chutes and Ladders, Operation, Life and anything else I can think of that will revert us back to our golden years.”
“Golden years! Have you lost your mind? Mom, I think she’s having a mental break down, maybe she should do therapy with me.”
“Maybe y’all can play spin the bottle?” Lily looks at me with sass written all over her face. Is this the game she wants to play? Fine, I’m down.
“Or, we could play seven minutes in heaven? You and Maxum could go into the closet and you can kiss him until neither one of you can see straight.”
“Girls, your chastity belt fittings will be in thirty minutes,” Mom drolls out.
I didn’t even hear Dad walk in the room, but when he says, “And I’ll be the only one with they key,” I jump then look at him with horror in my eyes. “You’ll need my permission to take a piss if you girls keep talking this nonsense to us. I don’t wanna hear about dark closets or bottles being spun, are we clear?” Great, he’s using his enforcer voice which is as bad as Uncle Braxton’s president voice.
“Yes, Daddy.”
“Yes, Uncle Hatch.”
“Who’s spinning bottles and hiding in dark closets?” Uncle Braxton asks walking into the room.
Dad’s face turns up in an evil grin, “Oh well, you know I walked in on our girls talking about how to pass the time with Maxum and Jaxson.”
“The fuck is he talking about, Lily?” Even I shrink back at his words.
I glance at Lily and see her studying the carpet in the room. “Um, nothing, Daddy, we were just joking is all.” Ha! Lies, all lies. She’d love seven minutes alone with Maxum. Hell, he’d love seven minutes alone with her!
“As long as it all stays in your head and doesn’t actually happen, I’m good. Do I need to have Bandit go up and install some cameras so we can keep an eye on you? Do we need to treat you like children?”
“No!” we both shout at the same time.
“Talk about invasion of privacy,” Lily mutters under her breath.
“What was that?” her dad catechizes her.
“I said, that would be a good reason to not party?” It comes out as more of a question than an answer.
“Y’all aren’t going up there to party,” he puts his foot down. “You’re going up there to help your friend recover and the men are there to protect y’all. Nothing more and nothing less...are we clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” my smart-ass remarks.
“Now that that’s settled, what do you girls need while you’re away? I’ll make sure it’s purchased and ready to go.”
I can’t help but keep going with my old personality that seems to be coming back to light around my family. “I need tampons, panty liners....”
He holds his hand up stopping me, “Feminine hygiene products, I’ve got it, anything else?”
“Don’t forget a couple of douches,” Lily helps me out. Mom is b
arely holding in her laughter at our dads’ expressions.
“The fuck do y’all need those for?” Dad thunders.
“We’re women, we have to keep our hoo-ha’s clean,” I answer.
“Don’t need to know about y’alls hoo-ha’s.” Uncle Braxton gives dad a ‘help me out here’ look.
“Your hoo-ha’s should be nice and clean at all times! Nothing should be getting anywhere close to them to dirty ‘em...I swear I’ll kill anyone who touches either one of y’alls!”
“Too late,” I sing-song. I mean I was living with a guy, what does he think we did? Watch Sesame Street all day?
“Ralynn, I’d stop while you’re ahead, young lady,” Mom stumbles out her words through laughter. I can’t help it, I start laughing with her because both of our dads are so red that there are veins showing in their foreheads. The last time I remember seeing that happen was when we went up after Maysen’s attack.
“I need a stiff drink,” Dad mutters walking out of the room with Uncle Braxton hot on his heels. The three of us look at each other when they walk out of the room and we fill the walls with laughter. This is what I’ve needed, some good old-fashioned driving our dad’s mad. I’m starting to feel more like myself the longer and further away I am from Marcus.
Seven
Ralynn
Day one at the cabin
Today is my first therapy session. I’m both nervous and excited to begin the healing process. I’m surprised that my family was able to get someone here the first day we’ve arrived. But that’s the old ladies’ doing, they never put off the inevitable and always are one-step ahead of everyone else. The woman introduced herself as Marie and I felt the compassion coming off of her as I led her into the family room. The other three occupants have gone into town to pick up food, giving me privacy.
“So, Ralynn, we’ll take this at your pace, okay?” Marie asks. “Start wherever you want, and I’ll occasionally ask questions. If you’re not comfortable starting, I’ve got some questions that may get you thinking. What would you prefer?”
I’d prefer that Dr. Who sweep in with his Tardis and take me back to the day before I called Marcus and asked him to come with me to the wedding. Since that’s not possible, I look at her and say, “I’m not sure where to start, if I’m honest.”
“Well, honesty is good. And if you need to take breaks, that’s okay too. I understand that you found yourself in a situation you couldn’t get out of, is that correct?”
I huff out a laugh because that’s the understatement of the fucking century. “You could say that, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Will I ever feel like me again?”
“Because of what you’ve experienced, you’ll never be the same, but my hope is that you’ll forgive yourself and grow stronger so that something like this never happens again. I would guess that right now, you don’t look in the mirror, do you?” she inquires.
“No. I can’t look at myself, Marie,” I whisper. “How did I let something like this happen to me?” That’s the million-dollar question I can’t ever answer when asked.
“It happens to women of all walks of life, from those who have lived it since childhood to those who are strong, independent women. You’re not alone, Ralynn. I’ll help you heal but it’s gonna take work. You up for it?” The challenge I see in her eyes encourages me and I nod. “Okay, first of all, I want you to start keeping a journal,” she expresses, pulling out a notebook from her case. “I’ve brought you one to get you started, but don’t let it stop you. Whatever you’re feeling, if you have a nightmare, I want you to write it all down. If you need another one, get another one. The idea is to help purge some of what you’ve been holding inside and get it out so we can deal with it in the safety of therapy.”
I’m looking at the notebook like it’s gonna jump up and bite me. “Do I...do I have to read it?” I whisper. Some things that plague me I’m still not comfortable speaking about out loud.
“Only if you want to share something specific. It’s for you, Ralynn. Not for me, not for your friends and not for your family. When you’re done with therapy, you can burn it if you want to.”
“I’ll try,” I return to her.
“That’s all you can do. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, it’s not. You’re in for one of the toughest things you’ll ever go through. But you’ve got a good support system, you’re strong and you have a long life to live. One that can be filled with joy and one day, you’ll be asking, ‘Marcus who’? I know that sounds impossible and so far beyond your reach right now, but with time, patience and work, you will get there.”
“I wish that was today,” I babble.
“Why?” she scoots to the edge of her seat, eyes glued to me.
“Because then all the hard stuff would be done. Fine, let’s do this. I wasn’t raised to be a shrinking violet and he might have hurt me, but I’m still breathing.”
“He abused you, Ralynn. There’s a big difference. We hurt someone’s feelings and while I don’t doubt that what he did caused physical pain based on what I can see, what he did was abuse, plain and simple. There’s never an excuse for someone to raise their hands to you, to strike you, or self-demean you...ever.”
I think about that and realize she’s right. Even when we were disciplined as kids, my parents used spankings as a last resort. My dad doesn’t believe in lifting a hand in anger towards a woman or a child. My mom was always the one who did the physical disciplining, Dad would usually leave the room unable to tolerate seeing us receive our punishments. It’s not the same, per se, but they wanted us to realize that our actions had consequences and he felt that a spanking wouldn’t get that point across as easily as denying us something we wanted. “So, you wanna know how it all started?” I query.
“I wanna know whatever you feel like telling me today.”
I spend the next hour talking while she takes notes. When I hear Lily’s voice, Marie looks at me and says, “We’re done for today. Your homework is to start writing in your journal. The first thing I want you to write is five things you like about yourself.”
“Okay,” I’m nearly in tears, feeling like I’ve opened myself wide open.
“Another thing that will help is to find someone you trust and talk to them. You don’t have to tell them everything, just something. It can be your least favorite thing about yourself to the thing you like most. You don’t have to tell them your deepest darkest secrets, but you need to start letting people back in.”
“Sure.” The only one here I feel comfortable enough opening up to is Lily. But I don’t like to see the sadness that she displays when I speak about things that aren’t light and airy.
She gathers her things and stands, walking towards me. “Ralynn, with your permission, I want to end our sessions with a hug. You need to learn that not all touch hurts. If you’re not ready today, that’s okay.” I look up at her and stand before I reach out. She pulls me into an embrace that is as soothing as my mom’s and I realize that maybe, just maybe, I’ll make it out of this thing.
Jaxson
I’ve spent the last hour watching Maxum and Lily make googly eyes at each other. I swear I wanna lock the two of them up in a room together and not let them out until they’ve spoken and worked out what’s keeping them apart. The lovie dovie looks are driving me to the point of insanity. I’m not sure what their issues are, but I have a feeling if they were forced to talk about them, they’d end up happier in the long run. And that’s all I want for my brother...for all of my brothers.
When we walk into the cabin, Rae is wiping tears off of her face with the back of her hand. “You alright?”
“Not yet, but I will be,” she answers. Damn straight she will, if it’s the last thing I do she’ll leave here her old self again. I’ll not accept anything less than her sass, spunkiness, and flavor for life blazing in her eyes again.
“We brought back some food,” Lily states, “come eat.”
“I need to lay down for a while.” I look and see t
hat she’s clutching a notebook like a lifeline.
Seeing Lily’s distressed face, I quickly voice, “It’ll heat up, you go do what you need to, Rae.” I’m shocked when she gives me a little smile before heading to her room. Once she’s out of earshot, I look at Lily and continue, “She probably needs time to process whatever they talked about, Lil. Give her time, okay?” I’ve heard that therapy is mentally and physically draining, but at the same time I don’t wanna see Lily with that crestfallen face.
“You’re right,” she grumbles. “So, can we watch a movie?” I’ll almost agree to anything right now to see her back to her peppy self.
“I’ll pick,” Maxum says rushing into the living room. “How about a comedy or action flick, I’m not in the mood for a chick flick right now.”
“Fine with me,” I declare.
“That works, I’m not wanting anything romantic either.” Maxum and I look at each other pondering if she’s really okay. That’s not like her to not want some sort of romance, even if it’s a Rom Com. I shrug my shoulders thinking that we shouldn’t bring it up. I’m not a shrink and am not in the mood to try and figure out the inner workings of her right now. I’m happy with just letting it be and pretending everything is fine in our world.
We just sat down, got the movie started and I have my fork to my mouth when we all hear a startling ‘No!’ shrieked out. I drop my stuff on the coffee table and run to her room. When I see her thrashing on the bed mumbling incoherent words, I crawl into the bed next to her and wrap my arms around her. “You’re safe, Rae. Listen to my voice, come back to us.” She continues to thrash a few minutes longer before she settles into the embrace of my arms. She begins to cry in her sleep and I look up at the doorway and see Lily standing there with tears streaming down her face and Maxum wrapping his own arms around her. He begins whispering in her ear and she nods her head yes and they leave.
“I swear to you on my life, you are safe. No one will ever make you scared or hurt you again, Rae. Sleep, sweet girl, let your demons rest, I’ll protect you from all of them.” And I will, I’ll slay all of her dragons and fight any unknown ghost who tries to invade her sleep. “I love you, Rae.”
Jaxson & Ralynn: Rebel Guardians Next Generation Page 6