“Um, no, I don’t guess so. Why?”
“Because as long as you’ve been around all of us, if you were honestly like your father,” she spits that word out before continuing, “don’t you think that my dad or one of my uncles, wouldn’t have picked up on that? They sure as fuck wouldn’t have let you oversee a bunch of snot-nosed kids if they thought you had abusive tendencies.”
I think about her words and realization slowly dawns on me. Ever since that first time, I did what I could to protect my mom, and when I became a prospect, I transferred that quality to the kids under my watch. Maybe there is hope for me after all.
Maybe she’s right.
Maybe I’m not like him.
Maybe there’s more of my mom inside of me than him.
Something that feels like a rusty gate opens inside my chest and I feel like maybe, just maybe, there’s hope for me, for us, after all.
Ralynn
After the heartbreaking tale of Jaxson’s life, we sit back and both get lost in the blaze of the fire. I want to be as brave as he is, open up and tell him about my experience, but it doesn't feel like the right time. This moment, today, it’s about him fighting his inner battle and me being there to help him through it. One day, I will sit down and talk about all of this with him. The dirt I carry on my skin, the nightmares I suffer every single time I close my eyes, the fears of inadequacy I have that don't seem to leave. It’s all bundled up into one beautifully broken package. A gift that I no longer want to have to open on a daily basis, one I’m ready to throw into the flames I’m mesmerized in and watch it turn to ash.
The front door opens after hours of us just sitting here, holding each other, and comforting one another the best way we can. “We got chocolate, champagne, beer and Jack. We also grabbed some coke, pick your poison,” Lily breaks the silence in her exuberance to get drunk.
“Feels like a Jack and coke day to me,” I declare, watching her and Maxum set the bags on the kitchen counter.
“Same,” Jaxson mutters, looking over his shoulder at me as he’s resting between my legs. I’ve been running my fingers through his hair and rubbing his shoulders and back trying to help ease the tension that’s been in them since traveling down the broken road of his past.
I see him in an entirely different light, one that has me questioning every fight, every longing look he’d show me before hiding it.
Tonight, we drink to forget.
Tomorrow, we’ll deal with the fallout of life.
Nine
Ralynn
I wake up sick to my stomach. The rolling nausea and pounding head let me know that last night's endeavors were a little too much. Between the four of us, we downed two bottles of Jack and I’m paying dearly for it this morning. Putting my foot down on the side of the bed to let down my landing gear, the room doesn’t feel like it’s spinning quite as much. My mouth feels as dry as the Sahara Desert and my bladder feels as if it’s fixing to explode. I sit and contemplate how bad it would actually be if I just laid here and changed my sheets later in the day. Gross I know, but the thought of moving has me feeling sick all over again.
I hear a groaning sound from the side of my bed. Cracking my eye open I notice Lily sprawled out on the floor looking like death warmed over. “I think someone beat me up and laced my drink with poison.”
“It’s called a Jack hangover.” Wincing at the sound of my voice I close my eyes and bring my hands up to my temples and begin to rub circles, attempting to ease the tension that’s built up.
The guys walk into the room and I crack my eye open again to look at them. Neither one seems to be affected by last night’s drinking. “Not fair,” I pout.
“Here, drink this,” Jaxson comes up standing next to me. He helps me sit up and the movement feels like I’m on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean. My tummy is sloshing, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m fixing to visit the pits of hell.
Before taking a swallow, I smell the drink and nearly gag. “The fuck! Get that shit away from me before you’re wearing the contents of my stomach.”
“Hair of the dog. I didn’t put much Jack in it, just enough to help you.”
“How is drinking what caused this damage in the first place going to help me out any?”
“Believe it or not, it will. It’ll help with your head and rumbling of your stomach.”
I really want to argue with him, but at this point what do I have to lose? After taking a tiny sip, he tries to push more into my mouth. My gag reflexes come up and he jumps back. “I don’t think it’s helping.” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand trying to dry the extra liquid that’s dribbled from my lips.
“Can you carry me to the bathroom?” I’m batting my eyelashes at him for extra emphasis. At least, I think I am. I can’t tell because my eyes feel heavy and the lids are numb.
“As long as you don’t puke on me, I’ll carry you anywhere you want me to.”
“Aww,” Lily says, then I see her rubbing her temples. “I wish someone would carry me around like a queen.”
“All you have to do is ask,” Maxum enlightens her.
“Consider this me asking,” she mumbles as if the words are being pulled like teeth, causing pain with every syllable. We’re two fucking hot messes right now and if it wouldn’t hurt, I’d laugh myself sick. But I suspect movement of that kind is absolutely out of the question.
“You girls need to get cleaned up and dressed for the day,” Jaxson states before he gently stands me next to the toilet and leaves the bathroom.
“Why?” Fuck. That hurt. But how else would he hear me if I didn’t yell since he closed the door? A shower does sound phenomenal right now though.
His response carries through, “Because we need greasy food to help absorb some of what ails y’all and we don’t wanna cook.” The thought of food turns my stomach, once again, and I make retching sounds as I’m taking care of business. “If you puke, Rae, you’re cleaning it up!” Fucker. He’s probably right outside the damn door.
“I’ll need clean clothes!” Dammit, why do I have to holler everything? After peeing and washing my hands, I open the door only to come eyes to chest with him. “I need clothes to put on after I shower.” Attempting to move around him, he grabs my shoulders with his hands and inspects me from head to toe.
“What do you need? I’ll get it for you, go ahead and start the shower.”
“My leggings and a t-shirt would be good. But, Jaxson, I’m not sure I want you rummaging through my things. My unmentionables are in there and those are private.”
“Baby, I’m going to be seeing those soon so there’s no need to be shy about them.” My mouth opens and closes several times with his declaration. Not knowing what to say, I simply walk back into the bathroom and shut the door. I sit there watching the closed door that separates the two of us for several minutes trying to think about if I want him to see those things on my body anytime soon. And what gets me, is that I really do.
Jaxson
The fact that she couldn’t come up with a reply brings a smile to my face. I decided last night after relaying to her my life’s story that I am ready to make her mine. I will bide my time and help her recover, but I’m not going to hold back. She gave me the strength I need to move forward with not only my life, but us.
Never one to back down from a challenge, I realize with her I’m going to have to up my game and not play the games that most men play with women. Rae is not the average woman and lines won’t work on her. She needs honesty and someone to be real with her. She doesn’t respond well to fake people and she doesn’t let anyone get away with shit. One of the things I love about her. Yes, I said it, and I mean it...I fucking love her. It feels good to finally admit that to myself. I’ve put it out in the universe and hope that the declaration will help.
Now, I just need to gather my balls and say it to her. Singing a tune under my breath, I grab the clothes she asked for and can’t hide the grin on my face when I knock on the door, her
lacy bra and panties on top. I run my fingers over the lace imagining it on her rocking body. “Come in,” thinking that she’s decent I open the door and my mouth drops open when I see her through the see through shower curtain. Her body is standing under the spray and I can’t help but trace each water drop as it makes its way down her slick skin.
“Rae,” is the only thing I can intellectually express at the minute.
“Can you come wash my back? Please,” my dick stands to attention at the sound of her raspy voice.
It takes me a minute to comprehend that she’s waiting on a response. “Are you sure? I won’t be able to control myself if my hands are on you.” The need to make her come at my touch is my undoing. I barely have my boots and clothes off before I stumble into the shower.
“Touch me, Jaxson. Help me feel again. You’re the only one I trust to help me get there.”
“I have to ask one more time, are you sure?”
“Yes,” she whispers, our eyes connect, and I can see the longing in hers. “I want to feel you.” The tears forming make my knees weak with wanting to protect her and claim her.
“I’d do anything for you,” and it’s the truth. Taking the cloth and shower gel, I get a good lather before I slowly begin washing her back and neck. Making my way down her body, I stop when I get to the firm globes of her ass. It’s tight, firm, beautiful, and mine. I caress her cheeks as I slide the suds around. “God, you’re beautiful everywhere.”
“Even with all the bruises and markings?” The near sob that’s caught in her throat causes me to stand and wrap my arms around her waist.
“I see nothing but you. Your soul, spirit, love and beauty are not only on the outside, Rae, it’s on the inside too. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You aren’t damaged, dirty or any of that other shit he’s caused to swirl around in your mind. You’re mine, and I swear to you, you’ll never feel an ounce of pain from a man’s hands again.”
“I trust and believe you.” She turns in my arms and wraps hers around my neck. She runs her fingers through the back of my soaked hair and pulls the long strands back and out of my line of sight.
“Thank you, those words mean more to me than anything.” She lifts up on the tip of her toes and looks up at me hesitantly. Meeting her halfway I slam my lips onto hers. She gasps and gives me the opening I need to slip my tongue inside. The kiss she gives me is the most intimate one of my life. It’s blissful and full of love and I can feel her desire. “Rae,” I mumble into her mouth. “Rae, I love you,” slips from my mouth before I have a chance to think on it.
“I’ve always loved you. I never thought I’d hear those words from you.”
“Expect to hear them often,” I mouth, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. When she and Lily finally went to the salon in town, she came back with her hair cut and trimmed and highlighted.
My cock is hard as hell and pressing into her soft stomach, but it’s not about that right now. Her hand travels down my abs and lands firmly around the girth of my dick. “Can I?” I feel as if I should be one of those bobble heads with the way mine’s moving back and forth rapidly. The feeling of her hands on me nearly has me spewing ropes of come all over her stomach.
“Yes,” the sound coming out of me is hoarse. I feel like a teenage boy whose voice is changing from a kid to a man. I throw my head back from the pleasure when she begins stroking me from root to tip. Pre-cum is on the head and she takes her thumb and spreads it around. I look back down and watch as her hand performs its magic. “May I touch you?” After everything she’s been through it feels important to get her permission. My hands are clenched at my sides because if she’s not ready, I’ll wait.
“Please,” she begs me with not only her words but with her look as well. Gently I maneuver my hands down her flat stomach and find her clit swollen beneath my fingers. I apply pressure and her hips begin to move. She presses herself into my hand to help find friction. I take my finger and push it inside of her while continuing my ministrations on her clit with my thumb. She begins riding my hand so beautifully that I nearly forget that I’m supposed to be taking this slow and steady.
“I need more,” she pants out. I push a second finger inside of her and search for her sweet spot. Finding it, I make sure to pay special attention to it, I can feel her leaking down my hand and know that she’s getting close.
“Come with me,” I assert.
She grips my fingers in a vice and screams out her release. Once she’s found hers, I let myself go and spray mine. Watching it shoot up onto her breasts and trail down her stomach has me reaching down and rubbing it into her skin. Claiming her the way I’ve never claimed another. Capturing her lips once again, I gently kiss her while holding her close. “Thank you,” she sobs. “Thank you for making me feel again.”
“I could proclaim the same thing. You made me want to live and love. I didn’t think that would ever be possible for me. I swear, I’ll do everything I can to ensure I’m nothing like my father. I’d rather cut off my own hands than to ever raise them to you in anger.”
“I know,” she responds. Her words are so full of passion and belief that it floors me.
“I really do love you, Rae.”
“I know, I can feel it. We’ll get past everything we’ve been through...together. This push and pull thing we’ve been doing for all of these years now feels like foreplay to get us to where we’re heading now. I will fight for this...us,” she points from me to herself.
“We can get through anything, as long as we trust each other.”
“I’ve always trusted you, Jaxson,” she informs me. “Even when I was being a brat, I knew you’d never let anything harm me.”
“I didn’t trust myself, but I’m learning and I’ll keep trying. With the guidance of our friends and family we will live to the fullest and not muddle our way through existence.” This woman in my arms is my salvation. I hope to one day be hers.
Ten
Jaxson
Later that night we’re lying in bed. She’s lying on top of me and circling my chest with her fingers. We haven’t had sex, but we both wanted the comfort of being wrapped in each other’s arms.
“Jaxson?”
“Hmm…” I’m in blissful content with just laying here in the silence with the woman of my dreams.
“How...what helped you move forward after, you know, your dad did what he did?”
“This is going to sound crazy to you, but I found some relief and ways to keep going through ink therapy.”
“Can you explain that to me?”
“Each one of my tats tells a story of my survival. They are important to me, they show the strength I had to have in order to keep going. Actually, your dad took me for my first one,” I point to the anchor on my right pec. “This one shows that I’ve found my place, it’s anchored me to my brothers and the first place that’s ever felt like home.”
“Do they hurt?”
“I think everyone has their own idea of how it feels, but to me, it was soothing. Some of the areas where there’s a lot of shading felt more like a light sunburn by the time they were done, but it was bearable.” I think if she’s put up with the shit she has at that bastard’s hands, she could probably handle it without any problems. “Are you thinking you may wanna get one?” The thought of her gorgeous body being inked has my dick rising.
“Maybe, yeah.”
“It’s a forever thing, Rae. You need to be one-hundred percent positive it’s what you want before you follow through with it. It’ll always be there.”
“But if I find something meaningful and profound I won’t care. Yes, I want one, now I just need to figure out what it is I want.”
“That’s up to you, babe. One thing can mean something different to each and every person. You could get a flower opening up to represent rebirth. A phoenix to show you’re born again and have come out of the flames.”
“I like both of those concepts.”
“Like I’ve said, a different
picture reflects different things to the individual. Would you like me to take you uptown tomorrow so you can look around and ask questions?”
“I believe I would.” Falling asleep with a smile on my face I’m so grateful that she’s ready...really ready, to move forward and heal. She’s someone I look up to, others would crawl under the covers and try to hide. Not my girl, she’s throwing them back and stepping out in the world. Facing everything head on like a true to life biker bitch. She’s my fantasy and dream come true.
Ralynn
The next afternoon I’m standing in the lobby of Diva’s Inkhouse and talking to one of the sisters who owns this place.
“Ink is empowerment,” Ariel explains to me. I’m admiring her sleeves and I can feel the story behind most of them without her needing to explain them to me. She’s beautiful, and the ink and piercings don’t take away anything from her. We ended up doing some research and drove three hours to get here. From what we were able to find out these ladies are the best of the best. People drive states away for the privilege to sit at one of their stations.
“I like those,” I admit, pointing to her sleeves. “But I want softer colors, is that possible?”
“We can do anything you want. I’ve got one client with a sleeve that’s various flowers and worked within the vines are the names of her children.” I think about that and realize that would be something I’d wanna do if I ever had kids. “Names can always be added later,” she adds, correctly guessing the look on my face. “Just be sure you use a reputable artist.”
“Oh, we’d make the trip back here,” Jaxson avows.
“I’m honored, would you like to get started today or book an appointment?” she asks me, and I ponder that for a minute before I visualize what I want and am excited and elated to get the process started.
Jaxson & Ralynn: Rebel Guardians Next Generation Page 8