by KD Fisher
I had been awfully quiet since telling her I loved her. It had been scary. No one in my family said it growing up and I’d never really been with anybody long enough to feel it. Sure, I loved my son with an unwavering fierceness I knew in my bones. But he was a part of me. And I loved Jay to the moon and back. Heck, I loved Vanessa in a way I probably hadn’t loved my own mama. But this was different. Loving Beth was both a choice and an inevitability. I’d been running this whole time and had only just now figured out my destination.
When the surge of adrenaline from telling the truth and rush of fear that she might not be able to forgive me finally dissolved into relief, I hadn’t quite known what to do with myself. I’d sat at Beth’s kitchen counter, dazed, looking around her house. It was a perfect reflection of her: bright and colorful, with plants and crystals and half-melted candles everywhere. It smelled just like her too, warm and spicy and herbal. I loved it just as much as I loved her. Beth was right, though, the place could use a good tidying.
“Did you run out of your weekly allotment of words or something?” Beth glanced back at me, amusement dancing in her eyes, as we climbed the narrow stairs up to her bedroom.
Belatedly I realized the woman I loved was still standing on the step in front of me, amusement quickly giving way to concern on her pretty face. I couldn’t believe she still wanted me. That someone this perfect existed. That we’d found each other. That she actually wanted to put up with my miserable self. Reaching to brush away a small streak of flour on her soft, pale cheek I shook my head. “No. I got a couple left.” I wanted to kiss her again, so I did. Her mouth was warm and familiar. My stomach flipped as the kiss got hotter, hungrier. Beth moaned into my mouth and my thighs clenched, desire lancing down from my lips to my crotch. I ran my hands down the rough knit of Beth’s oversized wool sweater. I needed to feel her skin against mine. To touch every freckle and curve I’d been missing.
“As much as I want you to fuck me right here, I don’t think you’ll appreciate the audience.” Beth chuckled, her breath tickling my face. I turned to find Hamlet waiting patiently a few steps below me, his big dopey head cocked to the side.
We scrambled up the stairs, laughing and closing the door to keep the dog out of Beth’s room. The space was big and airy, with colorful tapestries on the walls and more plants hanging from the ceiling than I could count. Pale afternoon sunlight poured through big windows, which overlooked the snow-glazed woods around her house.
As soon as the door clicked shut behind us, I pushed Beth hard up against it and crushed my mouth to hers. She opened to me right away, her hands fumbling for the buttons on my shirt. I grabbed her wrists and pinned them together over her head, pulling a high, wavering whimper from her.
“I missed you,” I whispered against her ear, then dragged my tongue down to the base of her throat. When I bit lightly at the thin, pale skin there Beth bucked hard against me, testing my grip on her hands. She was so beautiful like this: pink creeping up from her collarbones to her cheeks, auburn hair a tangle around her face, brown eyes bright and fixed on me. A fresh wave of heat throbbed through my body, but that could wait. I wanted to watch Beth come undone.
“Tell me what you want.” My voice was surprisingly low and commanding. The usual mean little self-conscious whisper that showed up when I had sex wasn’t invited anymore. All that mattered was making Beth feel how much I loved her any way I could.
“You,” she moaned as I palmed her breasts through the thick fabric of her sweater. I loved that Beth never seemed to bother with bras. Her breasts were small and firm and perfect in my hands.
“You got me, baby. But tell me how you want me.”
“Fuck. I want you everywhere. You can do anything. Please.”
Beth’s words sent an unexpected hot bolt of pleasure down my spine. I didn’t even have to think about what I wanted to do. I did it. I tugged her sweater and the flour-dusted gray T-shirt she wore underneath it over her head. Next went her jeans and black panties, pulled roughly down then kicked off as I pushed her down onto her brightly colored quilt. As much as I wanted to bury myself in her right away, I knew Beth liked it when I took my time. Our eyes met as I hovered over her, my hands on either side of her pushing me up.
“Hey, Adah,” Beth said my name softly and, once again, I wasn’t really ready for what her voice did to me. “Just so you know, I really love you a lot. Like so much. I don’t even know how to put it into words. God, it feels really good to say it. Like I used to feel this sometimes at weird moments, like when I watched you make me coffee one time and you were so fucking serious about it. So many times I would feel this, I don’t know, big feeling and I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I wanted you so much...” She shook her head, hair rasping against the blanket. “Anyway, I guess I wanted to tell you I’m really happy.”
“Me too,” I said simply, hoping my words carried everything I meant. Draping my body over hers, I brushed my lips gently over her forehead. Something in the tenderness of the gesture seemed to ignite both of us because Beth swore under her breath and I was suddenly almost dizzy with wanting her.
I went slow, licking and biting down her neck to her nipples. Flicking my tongue over the firm, taut skin seemed to be torture for both of us because after a moment, Beth groaned and started whining the word please over and over until I slipped a finger inside of her. She was so wet, clenching hot around me the moment I slipped in. I pulled out slowly, spreading slickness over her clit then pushing back in with a second finger as I used my other hand to haul her closer against me. Our mouths found each other, her tongue sliding against mine as she moaned. Belatedly, I realized I was still fully dressed, her naked skin dragging against the rough fabric of my jeans and shirt. Beth didn’t seem to mind though, so I didn’t stop.
Instead I pulled my lips away from hers for a moment and pinned her with a long, serious look. “What do you want, honey?”
Beth’s channel tightened around my fingers and she squeezed her eyes shut, her long eyelashes fluttering against her flushed cheeks. “Harder,” she whined. Then, “More.”
I plunged a third finger inside her and started pumping in and out of her rough and fast, curving up to the spot I knew drove her wild. Beth must have liked that because she started babbling a stream of curses and my name and the word yes over and over until she arched up and froze, clenching and pulsing around my hand. As she came down, I returned to myself and realized just how much I wanted her to touch me too. But not yet. Instead, I pushed up onto my side and smiled at her, totally unable to hide how dang happy I was. Beth smiled too.
“You sure do talk a lot.” I laughed and nuzzled my nose against hers.
“Oh shut up. Well, actually don’t. Please keep talking to me. But I know you like it.” Then she got a wicked gleam in her eye and rolled fast as a lighting flash to lie on top of me. “You like it when I beg you to fuck me. How I want you so deep inside me I’ll be sore the next day. How hot it is when you eat my pussy and look up at me like I’m the only thing in the whole world that matters.”
No way was I proud of the tiny, strangled squeak that popped out of my mouth at the sound of her sweet voice saying those filthy words. But I couldn’t help it. I sat up, tugged my shirt over my head, and shucked my jeans fast as anything. Beth seemed pretty dang pleased with herself, but I didn’t care. I just wanted her to touch me. And she did. Just the way I wanted her to: slipping her hot mouth down from my chest to my stomach to where I wanted her most. I loved the way she breathed me in. The way the very tip of her tongue flicked over my clitoris, sending sparks and flashes of hot and cold over my skin. The way she knew just the moment to move hard and fast against me to make my world dissolve into a swath of bright white light.
We kept it up for a long time: kissing and touching and coming and talking until we were both sweat-soaked and twisted up in Beth’s soft flannel sheets. I was rubbing her back in slow circles, wondering h
ow anyone’s skin could possibly be that smooth, when I realized I never told her the biggest, okay, well maybe second biggest, admission of the day. The words tumbled from my mouth since I had no dang idea how to bring it up casually. “I quit. This morning. I meant to tell you that earlier but I guess I forgot.”
Beth froze under my hand then turned to face me. Her face was pure, vivid joy. I grinned too and wrapped my arms around her, drawing her in close as the reality of what I’d just said really sank in. I was free. I didn’t have to go back to Bella Vista. I didn’t have to feel like I was failing at a game where the rules kept changing. And things were going to be just fine. I knew that now.
“Tell me everything.” Beth gave me a fast, full-body squeeze as she wrapped her arms and legs around me. “I know you’re going to want to skimp on the details but, one, I love quitting stories and, two, those motherfuckers had it coming and I want to picture the look on Sean’s face when you told him to go to hell. Well, I know you probably didn’t say that, but whatever.”
I did my best to be as specific as possible as I told Beth about showing up that morning to find Sean waiting for me with his fake job offer. When I recounted my very short quitting speech, Beth actually punched the air and whooped.
“Congratulations. Seriously. It was, like, a Herculean effort to stop myself from begging you to quit every time I saw you the past few months. And I know I wasn’t great about hiding my feelings about the way that shit-monster ran your restaurant. But he was treating you like some kind of... I don’t even know. He was treating you really badly and I did not like it one bit.”
I laughed so loud I almost surprised myself. “Yeah, you didn’t really hide that, honey. And I know I let people do that sometimes. I’ll work on it. I promise.”
Beth let out a very unhappy groan next to me and buried her face in my neck. “No. That’s his fault, not yours. Jesus. You can’t blame yourself for some misogynistic idiot being a jerk to you.” Her voice was muffled against my skin but that didn’t mask her obvious frustration. Then she softened and shifted her face up to kiss me. “Sorry, I really don’t want you to think you did anything wrong here, but I don’t need to get all ranty about it. But if you want, I can put you in touch with a few of my friends who might be looking for good, talented chefs. Probably nothing too fancy but it would be solid work and a lot more free-form than your last jobs.”
Her words were still taking a moment to process: the idea of finding a new job I actually might be happy at, the thought of being able to stay in South Bay and settle my life on my own terms, igniting something like a tiny flame of hope in my chest.
Then Beth launched herself out of bed. Before her bare feet even hit the floor, it seemed she was already pacing around the bedroom talking a mile a minute. Vaguely I made out the words restaurant and inn and event space. She yanked her hair up into a bun, a sure sign she was settling in for a good, old-fashioned lecture. Her mouth opened, then snapped shut and she gestured wildly between the two of us. A grin spread over her face before she launched back into bed and started kissing me wildly, still halfway trying to talk so fast the words blended together. I could not keep up with this wonderful woman.
“What in the world is going on with you?” I asked through a laugh as Beth continued to squirm against me.
“This might be the only time in history I ask you to just not talk and hear me out, okay?” Beth waited until I nodded to continue.
“So, I spent all morning trying to figure out this stupid online reservation system. Oh shit, I totally forgot that I was supposed to meet with Ahmed and Eitan later. Anyway, yeah, so since the Gourmand feature, we’ve been wildly busy. Like we literally have to turn dozens of people away every night. It’s bananas. Our Instagram kinda blew up too after the feature. Obviously, I’m completely overwhelmed. I hate that kind of chaos.” She paused, nodding seriously.
“Yesterday Ahmed and I decided to open up reservations and no joke, we’re booked out through the new year. But that’s not really what I envisioned for The Yellow House, you know? I didn’t want it to be this fancy destination place. I want it to be a good place for people to eat. That’s all.” She delivered this all at a fever-pitch pace then looked at me expectantly, as if I could follow her swarm of thoughts. One stray strand of hair that had already escaped her topknot was now being twisted so tightly around her index finger I worried she was going to cut off circulation.
“We need to expand. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. Like more than making the dining room a little bigger or whatever. Events are my happy place and I’d love to be able to do more of them. Like good events...weddings, grad parties, family reunions...that kind of thing. We could maybe even build an inn over by the pond. What do you think, four or five rooms and a kind of country B&B vibe? It seems like a lot of folks are going to be traveling to Port Catherine to eat with us so that might be a good idea. That old stone barn back there could be salvageable. That would be wicked cool. I could do events and Grace could take on more of our baking program.” Another definitive nod.
“Honestly, I think she’s better than I am anyway. She baked the stuff Marcus liked so much. That tarte tatin was amazing. I mean, adding sesame oil and ginger to the dough...holy shit. And yes! Andrew could expand the farm. He’s been dying to get chickens and goats and build a real greenhouse for ages. I bet with the Williams Award and all this good press I could probably get a loan to build up the business, right? I had thought that money from the competition that you totally kicked my ass at might have helped but I need more. So, maybe even an investor? But the idea of some rich weirdo calling the shots kinda makes me sick.”
At this point Beth finally paused, her gaze fixed on the snowy landscape outside the window. As hard as it had been to follow the twists and turns in her rapid-fire monologue, I had to admit I really loved the way her brain worked. She talked through all of the stuff I kept shut up tight in my brain. I opened my mouth to agree that she might not take too kindly to working with a lot of the types of people that invested in restaurants when she started right back up.
“We for sure need more than just a bigger dining room. Adding like five tables isn’t going to do jack. I bet if we added onto the existing cottage, maybe put on a big kind of solarium porch thing, that might not be too expensive. I can talk to my dad and Andrew about it. But then the kitchen would need to be bigger. I bet we could do a small addition on the back, though, just knock out that wall next to the fireplace and push it back to give us a bigger workspace, maybe add another range. That way we could seat more than, like, twenty people a night. And you could totally be our head chef!”
“Okay, hold up,” I practically shouted...if shouting meant raising my voice just loud enough to be heard over the deep intake of breath indicating Beth was gearing up for round three of this speech. “You have a chef. Nina. Your best friend. No way am I stepping on her toes. I’ll figure out another job. Besides, the last thing I need is to get in the way of something that’s been working so well for you.”
As ridiculous as the idea was, Beth’s fierceness, the realization that she cared about me enough to bring me into the paradise she’d created, warmed me through. Which was saying something because as the sweat cooled on my skin I started to realize how dang cold Beth’s bedroom was. Did she heat this whole cottage with one woodstove? How had she not frozen to death in this awful Maine winter?
Beth simmered with a bright energy I couldn’t quite understand. Never in my life had I seen someone actually embody the phrase fired up, but she sure did. Her eyes darted from me, to her phone on the nightstand, to the windows, then back to my face. Every inch of her seemed electric. I wondered if I might not feel a spark if I reached out and touched her.
“Nina’s leaving.” Beth’s face fell a little as she spoke. “She told me a few days ago that she’s moving to France next month and I kind of didn’t let myself think about it. I mean holy shit, if I thought things
were bad now, what the hell would I do down a chef? But you could totally do it. Never tell Nina this or I’ll, well, nothing but I’ll be pissed, I actually think you might be exactly what we need. Like, Nina’s great but she and I are both such messes. You’re amazing but you’re also organized and you know your shit. Yes! Things really are coming together! I really need to trust the signs right in front of me, huh?”
I chuckled and shook my head. “Baby, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” My arms circled around her, pulling her close. But she stiffened against me.
“Crap. Did I do my word-vomit-saying-every-wrong-thing again? I guess I also really need to learn to shut up sometimes. I didn’t mean, like, you should feel pressured to work for your girlfriend. That all came out wrong. If you don’t want to, I can figure it out.”
This couldn’t be real. No way would it be that easy for me to get everything I wanted. To find this wild, gorgeous woman and for her to welcome me so easily into her bright and beautiful life. I crushed my mouth to hers and sifted my fingers up into her hair, hoping to free it fully, and pulled Beth down on top of me. Her breasts pressed against mine, her skin warm and welcome. Her mouth curved up in a smile. We kissed for a long time. Long enough, it seemed, that we both started to forget that we’d been in the middle of a serious conversation about the future of Beth’s business. I pulled away gently and stared up into her face, loving the gold flecks in her toffee-colored eyes, the way the deep brown of her summer freckles had faded into a soft ochre, the ripe fullness of her lips after they’d met mine.
“I can’t believe I’m suggesting more talking but if you’re serious we need to hash this all out. I think those ideas sound great. We need a solid plan though. I mean, no offense, honey, but you’ve barely even thought this through.”
Beth nodded and I relaxed. Then she said, “I get my best ideas suddenly like this. I came up with the whole concept for The Yellow House when I was driving back home from New Orleans and I’d already agreed to take it over from my mom. Learning by doing is kind of my jam.” She tapped a kiss to the tip of my nose. “Besides, we’ll figure this out together. And if you feel like you need a plan, a plan you shall have, okay?”