by Onley James
“I just can’t imagine leaving my child behind,” Cal said, words thick. “Especially with an abusive asshole like that.”
Gideon gave a sad smile, more because he wanted Cal to know he was okay now than because any part of it was worth smiling over. “In her defense, my father never hit me while she was there. Maybe she thought I was safe. He was always trying to tell me that you never let a woman control you, never let her talk back. He said that’s how you became a real man. I hated him. I didn’t think anything he did proved he was a man. I always felt so bad for her. She was my mom. I wanted her safe. I don’t know how to hate her for trying to save her own life.”
“Well, I hate her,” Cal said, shaking. “She should have come back for you.”
Some part of Gideon agreed. Life had been misery for him once she’d left. But it was a lifetime ago. No use in hating somebody who probably hated herself enough for the both of them. He gripped Cal’s chin gently, brushing their lips together. “Thank you, little bird.”
“But it wasn’t your dad who gave you those scars on your back though, right? You said that was like a…punishment?”
“No, baby. That wasn’t a punishment. That was assault. I used my safe word, but he didn’t listen. He thought he owned my body, that he had a right to do what he wanted whether I agreed to it or not, and I was too new and inexperienced to know that this wasn’t okay. I thought pain was normal, that love was supposed to hurt like that.”
“But this wasn’t your husband, right?” Cal asked.
Gideon shook his head. “No, this was right after my father drank himself to death. I was sixteen, grappling with the fact that my father hadn’t managed to beat the gay out of me, and I was spiraling. I met a guy at a gay bar. He was a real alpha type. A man’s man like my father. Rough, dominating, liked to slap me around, call me names. Insisted on topping me even when I wasn’t into it, and I just went along with it. I went along with everything. I thought I deserved it. Then I met Grant.”
“You met Grant in a gay bar?” Cal asked.
“No, I met him in college.” Gideon looked at Cal. “He was an adjunct professor of my abnormal psychology class. He was a doctor. A psychiatrist. I think he spotted me long before I spotted him.”
“He was a Daddy dom like you are now?”
Gideon nodded, staring over Cal’s shoulder, faded memories pulling to the surface. “Yes.”
“Did you become a dominant because he died? Because you didn’t want to be another man’s boy?”
Gideon shook his head, leaning back. “I was always dominant. I always wanted to be the protector, not the protected, but I was in no position to care for anybody. Grant convinced me that it wasn’t real, that I just didn’t know how to be loved, to accept somebody caring for me and making my decisions for me because I’d never had anybody who wanted to. He said I was fighting him for control and that life would just be so much easier if I’d surrender to it…to him.”
“But that wasn’t true?” Cal asked.
Gideon was speaking without thought now, no longer censoring his answers, the emotions he’d suppressed for years demanding to have a voice. “I made it true. I needed it to be true because I loved Grant. He was everything I never thought I could be. Rich. Funny. Gorgeous. Charming. Successful. Respected. People stopped speaking when he entered a room. He won awards, published papers. He was everything I wanted. There was nothing he couldn’t have and he wanted me. I was special because he wanted me. He chose me, and I owed him my loyalty and my life. But over time, I just sort of disappeared.”
“What do you mean?”
“In my professional life, I was thriving. I was an expert in my field. A doctor. A researcher. One of the youngest professors to ever receive tenure. But in my personal life, I wasn’t allowed to make the simplest decisions for myself. He chose what I ate and when. Decided we couldn’t have children. Said I wasn’t responsible enough for pets. He decided what friends I could keep and who I could associate with. He withheld affection as punishment. He ignored me. Stopped speaking to me for days over the smallest thing. He decided when we went to the gym, where we went on vacation, what I wore, how our home was decorated. The collar I’d accepted the night he proposed became a noose around my neck, tightening daily.”
“Did you still love him?” Cal asked, threading their fingers together.
“Yes. That’s the bitch of it. I loved him so much, but I resented him, too. I had consented to be his submissive. His boy. I hadn’t consented to be his slave. His subservient in and out of the bedroom. I wasn’t a partner. I was a pet. His punishments became increasingly belittling. Some days, I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in the bed. He became short-tempered and hostile towards me. Des begged me to leave, but I didn’t know how to function without Grant, which only made me more resentful. I’d somehow let him turn me into my mother.”
Gideon gave a shuddering sigh. He’d never said any of this out loud. He’d shared bits and pieces with Des over the years since he was Gideon’s oldest friend, the one he’d refused to let go of. But nobody else—not even to the grief therapist he’d sat with for the first year after Grant died.
“It sucks loving somebody whose love comes with conditions,” Cal said, wrapping his arms around Gideon’s neck. “Is that why you were never with the same boy twice? You were afraid of becoming Grant?”
Gideon’s heart slammed against his chest. “Maybe. But a bigger part of me worried I would become my father or worse, some hybrid monster molded from the worst parts of both of them.”
“You’re nothing like them,” Cal swore, eyes wide. “Nothing.”
Gideon turned dull eyes to Cal. “My dad wasn’t always the monster he became. Neither was Grant in the beginning. They changed bit by bit, so slowly that I didn’t notice until it was too late. Some part of me worries that wanting to dominate another, to punish them, makes me no better than them.”
Cal shook his head vehemently. “I didn’t know Grant or your father, but I know you. You check in with me all the time. You would never ignore my safe word. You punish me because I like it. You were willing to pay me and let me walk away the night we met. You offered to take care of me financially until I finish college without asking for anything in return. Your father and Grant didn’t get off on inflicting pain, they got off on the power. They got off on making somebody bend to their will. Abuse is about creating a power imbalance. BDSM is about a power exchange.”
Gideon couldn’t help his look of surprise. “Where did you learn that?”
“I read up on it while I was in the hospital, after you said I could live with you. I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.” Gideon swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, but Cal wasn’t done talking. “You would never make me sleep on the floor, and you even let Alexa sleep right in bed with us. Besides, I like when you take care of me. I like having somebody make decisions for me when we’re home. I like pleasing you. I love your punishments. When you’re in charge, the rest of the world just falls away. I’m not submitting to you because I love you. I love you because submitting to you makes my head quiet.”
As soon as the words fell from his lips, Cal slapped a hand over his mouth, his face flushing bright pink in the darkness.
Gideon pulled the boy’s hand from his lips. “What?”
“I have… I have to go to the bathroom,” Cal muttered, eyes filling with tears as he tried to make his escape.
“Whoa, no way. Get back here.”
Cal fought him. “No. Just let me go.”
“Stop fighting me, little bird,” Gideon commanded, putting weight behind his command.
Cal stopped moving but didn’t return to Gideon’s lap. He sat where he was, shoulders shrinking in on himself where he was, his humiliation so heavy it felt like a living, breathing creature between them. “I didn’t mean it,” Cal whispered, tears spilling onto his cheeks.
Even though Gideon knew it was a lie, something twisted in his chest at Cal’s denial. He should just let him
take it back. It was the safest course of action. They were a temporary thing. They had to be. But still, he couldn’t stop himself from murmuring, “You didn’t mean it or didn’t mean to say it?”
“Does it matter?”
“It does to me,” Gideon promised, swiping his thumbs over Cal’s cheeks. “Stop crying, baby. Please come here.”
Cal inched closer, like a stray leery of his rescuer, still refusing to look at Gideon. It was as if he was worried that if he made eye contact, Gideon would say the words Cal was dreading. Or maybe Gideon was projecting. He couldn’t stand the look on Cal’s face or that he was the one who put it there. Still, there were a million hurdles between them.
“This thing between us…” Gideon started.
“Yeah, I know. It’s temporary. I get it.”
“Stop putting words in my mouth,” Gideon said. “Look, the truth is, I can’t imagine how this would work for us long-term. You’ll be leaving for college soon, and I’ll be back to teaching grad students. I’m twenty-five years older than you. You are supposed to be falling in love and breaking up with boys your own age right now, doing spring break in Cancun, and making a ton of mistakes. I’m at an age where I should be thinking about kids or finding somebody my own age to settle down with.”
“Yeah, I said I get—” Cal’s voice was thick.
“But none of that negates the fact that I’ve fallen for you too,” Gideon said, cutting him off.
Cal’s head snapped up, a surprised gasp escaping. “What?”
Gideon couldn’t believe he was doing this. The truth was the absolute worst possible thing for them in the long run, but he didn’t want to lie to Cal, even for his own good. “I love you, little bird. But I still don’t know how or if this can ever work between us.”
“Let’s just worry about that later,” Cal said, launching himself into Gideon’s arms, hugging him hard, burying his face against his neck.
Maybe just one lie. “Okay, baby. We’ll worry about it later,” Gideon agreed.
“Finish him!” the voice cried from the television.
“Don’t you dare, you little shit,” Gideon warned, his final word catching on a laugh.
Cal cackled maniacally, his fingers flying as he pushed buttons to make Kitana shred Gideon’s Sub-Zero with her razor fans before swirling his insides into a bloody vortex made of his own entrails. “That’s three out of five. No punishment tonight,” he cried, throwing his hands up in victory.
Gideon used the opportunity to drop his controller and dig his fingers into Cal’s armpits, causing him to squeal. He attempted to escape Gideon’s embrace, but it was impossible. Cal had left himself vulnerable, lying between Gideon’s bent and splayed legs, head on a couch cushion between the older man’s thighs. Gideon had the advantage, leaning against the sofa. Now, his legs squeezed Cal in a vice grip, holding him hostage. He twisted, trying to escape Gideon’s clutches again, laughing until he was red faced and wheezing.
“Still feel like bragging, you bloodthirsty little brat?”
“Uncle. Uncle,” Cal cried. “I give up.”
“I believe the word you’re looking for is Daddy,” Gideon reminded, releasing Cal enough to let him sit up.
The Mortal Combat competition had started after Cal had lamented at breakfast how much he missed his PS4, which still lived at Bastian’s house. That’s when Gideon had revealed he also had a PS4 and several games. Cal couldn’t imagine a single thing that would have made Gideon hotter, but there it was. Gideon was a secret gamer. He’d confessed to being rusty, saying his and Des’s schedules barely ever lined up for them to play anymore. Cal suspected he was lying. Gideon was good at everything. He was perfect, really.
Cal crawled into Gideon’s lap, straddling his hips. “Hi, Daddy,” he murmured, kissing him deeply.
“Mm, hi baby,” Gideon said between kisses, gripping Cal’s ass and pulling him flush against him so Cal could feel Gideon was already hard beneath his black cotton pajama pants. Cal whimpered, rutting against Gideon wantonly.
“I want you, Daddy,” Cal whined.
Gideon’s gaze fell to the clock. “We need to get ready for school soon.”
It was a half-day for the seniors, so Gideon had told Abernathy he had a doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t be in until afternoon. Really, he’d spent the morning teaching Cal how to make breakfast and then playing Mortal Combat.
“Not that soon,” Cal countered. “We have at least thirty minutes before we’d need a shower. Think of all the dirty things you could do to me in thirty minutes. Especially since I won’t be getting my normal punishment tonight.”
“Of course, you will,” Gideon said.
Cal made a face. “What?”
Gideon arched a brow, the low timbre of his voice sending a shiver through Cal. “You said if you won three out of five then I couldn’t spank you tonight, not that I couldn’t punish you. Do you think spanking is the only punishment I have? I was just easing you into your nightly routine. I didn’t think you would grow bored of my hand on your ass so quickly but no worries. I have lots of other toys in my arsenal.”
Cal’s mouth fell open. “You knew what I meant.”
Gideon grinned, and Cal’s cock throbbed. “It’s not about what you mean, little bird. It’s about what you say.”
Cal shivered again, running his tongue along the corded tendon of Gideon’s neck. “You’re so mean, Daddy,” Cal murmured, his teeth nibbling at Gideon’s ear lobe.
“I can be,” Gideon promised. “I can be as mean as I need to be to make sure you’re a good boy. You decide how mean I am, not me.” He gripped Cal’s ass, grinding their erections together through the thin layers of material separating them.
“Fuck me, Daddy. Please? Please?”
There was a sound like a bird chirping from Cal’s phone beside them on the coffee table, capturing both their attention. Gideon frowned. “Who’s texting you?”
Cal’s heart plummeted into his stomach. “That’s not a text notification, it’s my email. The email I used for my college applications.”
“Well, what are you waiting for? See who emailed you,” Gideon said.
Cal shook his head, swallowing hard. “I’ll just look later.”
“You’ll look now. The results won’t change the longer you wait.”
Cal’s hands shook as he reached for his phone. When he punched the email, his heart tripped. “It’s Harvard. They’re telling me that I have to sign into the portal to find out whether I’ve been accepted or not.” Cal didn’t want to look.
Cal had applied to several ivy league schools, just like all of his peers at Roosevelt, but that was before he was the son of a felon, before his prep school had labeled him an outcast and a troublemaker and had booted him off the lacrosse team. What if it was a rejection? What if it was an acceptance without a scholarship? He knew Gideon said he’d take care of him, pay for his schooling, give him everything, no strings attached, but that wasn’t what Cal wanted. With a scholarship, Cal could at least feel like they were on slightly equal footing, like he didn’t rely on Gideon for everything. “I can do it later.”
“Callum. Stop stalling,” Gideon said, tone leaving no room for argument.
Cal gave a stilted nod before following the instructions to the portal. Once there, he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before clicking the link, peeking one eye open and gasping when he saw the word ‘congratulations.’ “I got in. I did it.”
Gideon grinned. “Of course, you did. You’re one of the smartest people I know. You’re going to blow them all away.”
He scanned the letter. He’d earned an academic scholarship. “Full ride. I-I got a full scholarship.”
Cal’s euphoria plummeted as something occurred to him. “Harvard is so far away from here. I’ll be a thousand miles away.”
Gideon kissed his forehead. “Then it’s a good thing I’m filthy rich. We’ve got the whole summer to worry about logistics. Okay?”
Cal swallowed the lump
in his throat, relieved Gideon wasn’t ready to give Cal up, even if the sadness of not seeing Gideon every day still lingered.
“I don’t want to be that far from you,” Cal said, burying his face in Gideon’s neck.
“I know, baby. I don’t want to be that far from you either, but we’ve got lots of time to worry about that. For now, just let yourself be happy you got into your top pick school.”
“Okay,” Cal mumbled.
Gideon sighed at Cal’s mopey face. “Stop pouting, bratty boy.” He kissed Cal’s bottom lip. “Come on. Let’s take a shower and get ready for school.”
“Ugh, do I have to? It’s a half-day. I already got into college. I’m done,” Cal grumped.
“Be a good boy and I’ll blow you in the shower.”
Cal’s head popped up. “Really?”
Gideon laughed. “Yes, but only if you get up and get moving.”
Cal popped up, using all his body weight to haul Gideon to his feet after him.
Cal stood at the sink in the boy’s bathroom, his hands under the cold water, backpack at his feet, no longer washing his hands but deep in thought. He’d been contemplating his future since he’d gotten his Harvard letter, and he’d been a roller coaster of emotion for the last two hours. He didn’t want to be away from Gideon. Not for a semester, hell not even for a day. Sure, it was stupid to be so in love and so invested after just a few weeks but he really didn’t care. He didn’t care if it was impulsive or childish, he loved Gideon, and Gideon said he loved Cal back.
But Harvard. His number one pick. The school he’d dreamed of attending since he was five years old. His mother’s school. Gideon talked like they’d find a way of making it work, but part of Cal wondered if Gideon was just humoring him, just making him feel like there was a chance so that he didn’t squander the opportunity he’d been given.