Survive for Me

by Karin Dahan

  Adira holds me back while the others take quick strides to get from the warmth of the car to the protective walls of the house.

  “What…?” I ask when it’s just us in the car.

  “You understand why we couldn’t go back for Gwennie right?”

  “I get the caution, but I don’t agree with it. We’re a team. We

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  have to protect each other.”

  “There are other rules in a military unit. You protect, but you also have a mission. You work towards the bigger picture, always.”

  “I get that. But how can I just leave her there when it was my fault … I dropped the bottle. I made the noise. If I would have followed orders, we would all be safe now.” I try to control my voice, but it still breaks at the last sentence. “I promised myself not to be the reason for someone else’s death again.” I rub my hands together, trying to distract myself from the guilt that tears at me.

  “You are not responsible for what happens to her. Gwennie chose to sacrifice herself for this mission. She believed in you.”

  “But how do I live with all this guilt?”

  “You must let it go, or it will destroy you.” Adira looks away for a second, I can see she’s choosing her words carefully. “I’ve done things too that brought me guilt. And I will never forgive myself for it. At first, I wanted it to kill me, I was content living life with no meaning or purpose, because I didn’t deserve it. But then. you came along. And you changed something in me. You gave me purpose. And as long as you have something to fight for, you can’t afford to focus on the guilt. Because you can never change the past … only the future.”

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  Suddenly it feels like I just received the last piece of a puzzle, that I understand Adira in a whole new way. “Are you the one that gave away my parents?”

  Sometimes Adira is so easy to read while other times she’s hard as stone. Now, emotions rage in her eyes telling me her answer before she even speaks. “Yes.”

  I’m surprised at how empty I feel. There’s no hate or animosity towards her. “I know you would never do something to hurt another being if you weren’t forced to. I know you did nothing wrong,” I say as I exhale.

  A single tear escapes her, and she quickly brushes it away. “Tenebris had his suspicions about me. And once the document got stolen, the only copy too, he was raging. It was his golden ticket. He was so close to having sustainable soil. Once the recipe was completed, he would start up farms and own all the distribution to food. He would have even more power. He brought me in directly. The first thing I saw when I entered the room that day was a gun pointed at my eight-year-old son’s head. I knew he would pull the trigger as soon as he suspected a lie. So, I told him everything, that your parents had just taken the recipe and were heading to the drop-off with the Rebellion.”

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  I put a hand out to comfort Adira. “You did nothing wrong. You have no blame in their deaths. You had to save your son.”

  Adira nods slightly, collecting herself. “Do you see now it’s the same for you? Just because others perform evil doesn’t mean you carry their guilt for them.”

  Adira lets the words sink in before she opens the door. The cold air floods the car like a wave crashing against the beach. I quickly climb after her, ready to rush towards the warmth of the cabin.

  “Thank you for telling me…What happened to your son?”

  “Tenebris shot him anyway. My beautiful boy died in my arms.” She turns towards the forest instead of the direction of the cabin. “I will be in soon.” Her voice cracks and I’m left standing on the small step.

  The log cabin is built out of sturdy log branches that have been placed horizontally to increase the strength of the home. The dark wood on the inside reminds me of my treehouse. That, along with our host, gives me a warm welcome.

  As soon as I enter the house, Boston introduces me to his aunt Margareta, a woman in her late fifties that has the same dimples as her nephew when she smiles. She’s slightly shorter and her grey hair is

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  pulled in a neat bun. You can easily see that the two are related. They have the same round and curious eyes, thin lips and high cheekbones. But where their facial features might be alike their energy levels complete differ. Margareta has more of a wise and calm aura compared to Boston’s energetic and loud one.

  “Are you kids hungry?” She asks while she walks towards the kitchen, not waiting for us to answer.

  I walk over to Ryker, who’s standing by the window. I can tell he hasn’t let down his guard yet. He still has his weapon in front of him.

  “Hey … I’m sorry for what I said in the car. I know it must have sounded insensitive to what you guys are feeling. I know she’s your friend,” I whisper. I’m not comfortable with the whole room hearing my apology.

  “Apology accepted … You know Gwennie is like family to all of us. We did not take leaving her behind lightly,” he says as he gives me a short glance before returning to stare out the window.

  Fine. I get the hint. I walk over to the square dining table where Phoenix is sitting cleaning his gun. He looks up as me as I sit down across from him.

  “Sorry about earlier.”

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  “Don’t worry about it. You were just saying what we all were thinking.” His easy mannerism and spark in his eyes are back, but slightly more labored than before, like he is working hard to hide his real sadness.

  “So…what’s the plan now? I don’t know how I managed to fall asleep in the car earlier. It was like my whole body just shut down.”

  “A reaction to all of that adrenaline leaving your body. Takes some getting used to,” he says as he refills the bullets in one of the clips. “The plan is that we will drive to headquarters tomorrow. Originally, we were planning on walking. But now that we have that sweet ride, we are safer driving.”

  “Wasn’t it dangerous driving there?” I remember Ryker insisting we stayed away from the main roads before.

  “Not when we have a military vehicle, the same ones used by Tenebris army. We will blend right in.” A crooked grin plays in Phoenix lips as he looks up at me.

  So, tomorrow I will get to headquarters. Both fear and excitement fill me at the same time. My long journey will come to an end. I’ll finally be able to radio out the recipe for anyone who listens. Someone must be able to break the missing piece. I know the Rebellion

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  has scientists of their own. When everyone has the sustainable soil, Tenebris’ power will be overthrown. I play with my necklace, rubbing the golden plate, as thoughts off how proud my parents would be if they were here play in my mind. This is what they wanted, what they died for. And in just 24 hours the first piece to bringing the tyranny of Tenebris to and end will be set in motion.

  Then I will go back for Gwennie. If she’s still alive, I will find her. I send a silent promise to the stars and to Gwennie.

  Margareta’s cooking soon fills the air around us. The aroma makes my mouth water and I can see that even Ryker is turning to look at what’s going on.

  “Dinner is served.” Margareta enters the room with a large pot of soup, steam dancing above the hot liquid. “Boston, be a darling and get some plates,” she says. Boston jumps up from his seat and, in an instant, I hear him scrambling in the kitchen.

  “If I knew I was going to be graced with visitors I would have prepared something else. But I threw together what I already had in this chicken soup,” she says as she looks at me with a warm smile. “And nowadays we should be happy if it’s nutritious, am I right?”

  “Yes, ma’am. But this smells delicious,” I respond.

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  “Oh, that’s just cause you’re hungry, dear.” She grabs the bowls from Boston and spoons up the soup. Her china looks delicate and antique, small flowers lining the top rim.

  Adira walks into the room and everyone jumps at once, reaching for their weapons at the sound of the door. I can see that her calm has returned wi
th no sign of tears or heartache.

  “We should take turns keeping watch tonight. We might have blown up the other vehicle the Scullys’ had, but who knows what else they’re hiding,” Ryker says as he grabs a bowl from Margareta. “I will take first watch. Phoenix you’ll be next.” And with that, he heads out.

  “Is there any chance we were followed?” I ask Phoenix.

  He just raises his shoulders. “There’s always a chance. We won’t be safe until we reach headquarters, so better safe than sorry.”

  A silence falls over the group as we enjoy the food. Margareta is an attentive host and makes sure everyone has what they want. After a while, my curiosity takes the best of me. “You live here all by yourself?”

  She nods with a smile and Boston starts talking before she can answer me. “Greta here is my mom’s younger sister. We stayed with her and uncle Per after we escaped the Boston flooding. She’s tougher

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  than she looks, this woman.”

  “Boston’s uncle was the one who helped start the Rebellion,” Phoenix says with his mouth full of powdered bread, a faux bread invented by the government. I have only seen it in the City before. It’s an artificial powder mixed with water to make a bread substitute. It’s nutritious, but not tasty.

  “He was a dreamer my Per,” Margareta says with a gentle smile. “He was convinced he could make a difference in the world. Of course, it didn’t take much to sell my nephews on the idea, which your momma still hasn’t forgiven me for by the way.” She looks at Boston who just smiles back. “And what has it all gotten us? Nowhere, I tell you.”

  “Greta, come on, I know you are proud of what Per did. I just don’t understand why you are so stubborn to stay at your old farm when you could be in headquarters with Mom.”

  “This is where my Per is buried, and so this is where I’ll stay.” A determination sets on the small woman’s face; evidence that they have had this conversation before.

  “Plus working everyday keeps me young and pretty. Look at how your mom’s figure has turned out.” Boston’s booming laughter is heard even by Ryker outside.

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  After dinner, I brave the cold. I need talk to Ryker in private before tomorrow. I find him standing leaning against the house wall, trying to gain some of the heat from inside. I don’t know how they’re planning on keeping watch all night when the cold sets in.

  “How’s it going?” I mirror his stance.

  “I hate winter.” He blows some heat into his cupped hands, trying to get his frozen fingers warm.

  “I used to love it when I lived in my treehouse. It was the slowest season for me, mostly just spent it inside. Thinking back on it, I can’t believe how lucky I was having that place.”

  “Having that soil, you mean…Did your parents manage to steal some of the one-time-use soil, or how did you have that type of farming? I haven’t seen crops like that my whole life.”

  I hesitate for a moment, not sure how Ryker will react to the information.

  “I think my parents managed to find the missing piece in the recipe for the permanent soil. I grew crops there for two years.” The expected gasp is there, and he turns to face me.

  “Are you serious?”

  “I wouldn’t joke about something like that.”

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  “Do you know what that would mean?”

  I just nod my head. The light shining out through the window behind Ryker is our only source of light, so his face is in shadows. I wish I could see his reaction better.

  “Why wouldn’t your parents write the missing piece down? Did they not trust the Rebellion?”

  I shake my head slightly, “I was thinking the same thing at first. But now, I think it was something else … that they were too scared of what it would mean if they failed their mission, if Tenebris got the document back.”

  “Makes you wish they would have some sort of plan B though.” I can hear a small tinge of frustration in his voice. I feel the same. It’s been on my mind since the day I left my uncle. Why would Mom leave Edward with an incomplete recipe? It wasn’t like them to put their fate in someone else’s scientific ability. “No matter how I twist and turn it I can’t make sense out of it. It’s like the answer is on the tip of my tongue, you know.”

  “Know that feeling.” He puts a hand on my arm. “Don’t stress about it though. Getting the research your parents started in the right hands at headquarters will be important. It will only be a matter of time

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  before someone solves it and we can use it against Tenebris.”

  “I know …” His hand is still on my arm and I can’t help but wanting him to move a little closer. I shake my head slightly, trying to clear my mind. “What’s going to happen when we get there?”

  “There will be a de-briefing, much like the one at the cliff dwelling. You should prepare yourself that it might be a bit more intense. The Generals at headquarters are like any military organization.”

  “You mean they might interrogate me?”

  “Something like that. But you have nothing to worry about. It’s just standard procedure.”

  “So, I come in with information they have been searching for and they’ll treat me like the enemy?” My body shakes. At this point I’m not sure if it’s from the cold or the anger.

  “No one will treat you like the enemy. They’ll just want all the facts.” Ryker rubs my arms up and down, trying to get me to stop shaking. “You should go inside before you get too cold.”

  “Yeah … Will you be there with me tomorrow, when they question me?”

  He’s quiet for a while. I’m guessing it’s because he doesn’t want

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  to make promises he can’t keep. I know Ryker is a commander and that he’ll follow orders blindly. He surprises me by bringing me into a hug. The sudden closeness makes my heart skip a beat and I rest my head against his hard chest. “You have nothing to worry about. I told you that I would protect you, didn’t I?”

  I close my eyes, finding comfort in his words and his arms. The creek of the door opening makes me jump back, scrambling to make sure it looks like we were just having a normal conversation. The light from the doorway shines on Ryker’s face and I can see a smile. My check turns red instantly and I hurry to go inside. Phoenix is blocking my path. “Sorry I disturbed. Looks like you guys were in the middle of something.” He grins at me.

  “We were just talking,” I say way too fast.

  Phoenix chuckles low and lets me pass him. As I walk inside, I hear him exchange a few words with Ryker.

  Before we go to bed, Boston brings out a bottle with clear liquid in it along with small glass for each of us. He even calls in Phoenix from his shift outside.

  “We need to say a toast to Gwennie,” he says as he fills each glass to the rim. Everyone takes theirs without a word and we all raise

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  them in unison.

  It’s Phoenix who clears his throat to make the toast. “To her bravery and her tirelessness for questioning everything.” Everyone shares a low laugh. “May she have killed many bastards on her way out, and may she find peace wherever she might be.” He raises his glass and the rest of us follow.

  “Cheers!”

  The liquid burns in my throat. I cough as soon as I swallow it down. Phoenix gives me a pat on the back before he puts his arm around my shoulders.

  As I look around the room, I’m surprised over how full my heart is. These strangers have grown into friends and the closest thing to family I have left. I can’t imagine what it will be like after tomorrow when our mission is accomplished. Will they let me go with them on their next one, or leave me behind at headquarters? I know my Mom would have wanted me to stay where I’m safe so that I could survive, but I’m done with that now. I have never felt as alive as I have the last few days around these people.

  There is no turning back to that girl I was in the treehouse. That Eddie is gone.

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&nb
sp; Chapter 22

  The next day is full of activity and my mind buzzes with nerves about what will happen when we get to headquarters, when the mission I set out to accomplish will finally be completed. Just as we turn into a small dirt road, mostly hidden from the overgrown trees that are lining the sides, the first snow begins to fall. Tiny white flakes dance in the air around us as our car bumps along the uneven ground.

  I remember the winters in my treehouse, how I would stay inside most of the days, working in my gardens and talking to Einstein. It hits me like a strong gust of wind that for the first time in my life I have actual friends now, not only a mouse as company.

  We get to a gate that’s guarded by armed men. But since Boston has radioed ahead from his aunt’s house, I can tell from their relaxed pose that they are expecting us. Boston rolls down his window. “Hey fellas!” He waves to the two guards as he continues. “The sun sure is shining today!”

  One of the guards hits a button and the gate in front of us opens. I look at Boston with a questioning stare. What was that about?

  He laughs at my look. “It’s a code to get in, to let them know we

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