by Nissa Leder
I was in hell.
I was in hell, and now I’m having a heart attack.
I can feel a tear escape from my eye and slide down my cheek just before someone takes my head in their hands, and the darkness falls away, replaced by white, pristine light and prismatic colors. I close my eyes and drift away.
Fear shoots through my chest, piercing my heart like a lightning strike. I lurch forward in my bed, jerking the earbuds from my ears. It’s too quiet now. The silence adds to my panic.
Darien.
I can feel his confusion, his terror, same as if it were my own.
I rip the covers back and slide out of bed, shoving my feet into my boots, without bothering with the laces. I’m out my door and clomping down the stairs before I even consider I’m in too-short pjs.
Dad waits for me at the door. He eyes my bare skin with disapproval and grabs his jacket from the hook, helping me into it. The long black coat is too big, but I guess that’s the point. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I’m too scared to speak, but the fear isn’t even mine. It’s his.
Dad opens the door.
“Go,” he says. “He needs you.”
I speed past him, following the storm of emotions down the street, the sidewalk pounding beneath my feet. As Guardians, we have to trust our instincts, the same instinct that led me to Seattle. It’s no coincidence Dad and I are renting two blocks from his neighborhood. I reach out with my senses, trying to find him.
He’s close.
The panic grows stronger, so strong I feel like my chest might burst, but I force myself faster. He is all that matters, and I hate it. The Summoning. Our connection is strong, so much stronger than anything I’ve ever felt, and there’s zero use in fighting it at this point.
The darkness slams into me as I turn the corner toward Darien’s neighborhood. Pure evil, intent on influencing and tormenting, seeps through me like a winter mist. Darien must have been upset already. Does he know now? Did he find out? The demons must be feeding off his negative emotions. Otherwise, they’d never be stupid enough to mess with a Hellwalker, fledgling or not.
I stop at the end of the street, my face and legs slick and cold with this godforsaken mist that hangs ceaselessly in the air. A horn blares. Tires screech. I look to the left and scream, forcing my legs to a sprint as a car misses Darien by mere inches.
With a look of horror, he crawls back to the sidewalk, trying to stand. I can’t see the demons, but I can feel them, the full measure of their hatred, the full force of their desire for corruption.
Darien stumbles forward, reaching out, closing his hand around an invisible arm or hand, but something’s wrong. Why hasn’t he been trained yet? He has a job to do, and I know I should let him do it, but I don’t even know if he knows how. Right now, Darien is my only priority. If a few demons miss their ticket back home, so be it.
Still running forward, I spread my arms wide, bare palms outstretched, concentrating on that place deep inside, on the hope, the peace, and the goodness my mother left me. The power of celestial blood courses through me. I feel it racing through my veins like liquid rays of sun. Without holding back, I blast it forward with every ounce of strength I have. The heaviness of the air breaks up, departing like smoke. When faced with the force of my light, the evil flees in terror.
Darien falls hard on the ground, curling into himself like a child. When I finally reach him, I slide to the ground beside him and pull him into my arms. His head falls against my shoulder. I press my cheek against his hair and bring my palm to his forehead, engulfing him in light that will snuff out the darkness of his new reality.
When his body sags into mine, I feel my own breathing even out, my shoulders relaxing along with his mind. I don’t know how long I hold him close, shushing in his ear and whispering that he’s going to be fine. It’s long enough for the rain to pick up, creating puddles that gleam shiny black in the light of the streetlamps. My hair is drenched, and I’m not sure if the water on my face is rain or tears of relief.
My teeth rattle as the cold rain continues to pour, and I hold him until finally, he sits up, shifting from my lap, and turns to look at me. With his blue, blue eyes—sharp and beautiful like a frozen sea.
“Are they gone?” he asks. “Where did they go?”
“They’re gone,” I say in his ear. “They’re gone.”
I know I’m clinging to him like some vapid fangirl, but I was so afraid I wouldn’t get to him in time, that the demons would drive him to madness before he figures out his power, that I forget I want absolutely nothing to do with The Summoning. I forget that I’m on a sidewalk in the middle of a nice neighborhood. I forget who I am when he snakes his arms around me and holds on to me with the same intensity.
Then, I’m not thinking at all.
My lips find his neck, his jaw, the side of his mouth, the stubble tickling my cheeks. His lips are soft against mine, hesitant at first. But soon, we deepen the kiss, his breath hot in my mouth, his tongue finding mine, and we press together, there in the rain, beneath the street light.
It’s as if something cold and unaware has suddenly blazed awake inside me, and all logic has departed. Right here. This is where I want to be. Tangled together with Darien Crain for the rest of my life …
The thought hits me like a battering ram.
I push away from him.
I mean, it’s not like I’m an angel or anything, but still, I’m shocked at my own behavior. I’ve been fighting against this so-called fate since I started high school, and the first sign of danger has me unraveling.
I lost control. I won’t let it happen again.
“Sorry,” I say. “Are you all right?”
When I peek up at him, trying to slow my breath, he’s looking at me with those sharp eyes like he could devour me, and I know that even though he doesn’t fully understand it yet, he feels it, too.
“It’s the Summoning,” I say. “It’s drawing us together.”
He nods. “Yeah, I didn’t totally believe Gran.” He laughs. “Guess I do now.”
Then he looks down at me, taking in Dad’s huge coat, the thin fabric of my drenched cami and shorts peeking through from underneath. I pull the coat together, wrapping it around me, suddenly self-conscious. His eyes linger for a moment, which sends heat straight to my cheeks. Finally, though, he blinks and looks down at his hand.
“The blisters are gone,” he says, examining his palm. “Did you heal me?”
I nod, my teeth chattering. He smiles and wraps an arm around me.
“You’re freezing,” he says. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
The rain has weakened to its consistent mist by the time we reach my house. Darien walks me to the door, and we’re finally out of the rain as we stand awkwardly beneath the shelter of the front porch. He’s been explaining about his grandmother and Uriah Donnelly and why he hasn’t been trained yet. I’m listening to him and all, but now that we’re at my house, I have no clue what to do. I can’t believe I kissed him. I can’t believe I want to do it again.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to say to him the entire way here, but words have pretty much failed me, considering all I want to do is finish what we started in the rain a few minutes ago. I’ve known about the Summoning since I can remember. I really thought understanding it would help me to control myself when I finally met my counterpart. Guess I can add that to the long list of things I’ve been wrong about.
“Wanna come in?” I blurt. Oh, God, what am I thinking.? Dad’s in there. We are so not ready for Dad yet. “I mean, you totally don’t have to. I just thought you might want to get warm and dry off before you have to go back home.”
He wipes a drop of rain from my cheek. I can’t look at him because I know what will happen if I do.
“I’d better get back home to Gran,” he says. But he doesn’t make any move to leave. “I was pretty mad when I left, and she’s probably worried.”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding my head. “Totally.
”
I’m such an idiot. Totally? Am I captain of the cheer squad now? I’m nervous. Nervous is not good for me.
“Look, I know that what we feel for each other is pretty intense, but I don’t want our relationship to go beyond just working together.”
He raises his eyebrows. “That kiss would suggest otherwise.”
“That kiss, was me getting wrapped up in a moment,” I say. “It won’t happen again.”
He opens his mouth like he’s about to argue, then clamps it shut. He nods. “Okay, then. Um, I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”
“Yeah, yeah. Totally. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Right, um, well, thanks … for the whole fireworks display back there. I think I was about to get lost in a really dark place.”
“You’ll get the hang of it,” I say. “I mean, you have the best Hellwalker in the history of the Guardians to help you.”
I want to ask if I can meet Uriah Donnelly, but I try to play it cool.
He nods.
I nod.
“Okay, well, I’m going in now,” I say. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Without waiting for a response, I open the door, step inside, and slam it behind me, pressing my back against the wood as I slide to the floor.
A creaking noise nearby sends me on high alert.
But it’s just Dad. He’s sitting on the stairs, obviously waiting up for me. His dark eyes glint with humor, and he’s wearing a smirk that makes me want to die.
“So, how did it go?” he asks, waggling his eyebrows. “I’m guessing from your tormented expression and all that nervous babbling that you liked him more than you’d expected.”
“Oh, my God, Dad, you were listening? Is nothing sacred?”
I shoot him a look, scramble to my feet, and rush past him.
“Totally,” he calls after me.
His laughter follows me up the stairs.
Getting questioned by a Hellwalker was not the end to the date with Ava I wanted. What was he even doing in that little neighborhood anyway? I could tell from his car and arrogance he is one of the upper ones. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have bothered going out of his way to interrogate me.
But after a few questions about why I was in the neighborhood and if I was part of the demon gangs that have been popping up around Seattle, he let me leave. The irony is that I’m stuck working for the angels like he is. Hellwalkers act like they’re so flipping righteous when they have demon blood in them too, as if it’s okay for them because they betray their demon side and they’re “blessed by the angels,” but for someone like me, my heritage makes me scum.
Ugh, I might as well drop it. It isn’t as if I’m going to change anyone’s mind, and I’m not exactly helping the angels for the betterment of humankind.
But if that encounter didn’t put me in a bad enough mood already, the text from Claire’s burner number saying to meet her for an assignment made it a million times worse. Having to answer to her every beck and call is a pain as it is, but today will be so much worse. She was clearly against Ava hanging out with me, and I guess I can’t blame her, but her self-righteous attitude puts the Hellwalker’s to shame.
The clouds had held off as long as they could and a thick sprinkle now bounces off of my car’s windshield. I had planned to go back to my condo and binge-watch a new Netflix series. So much for that. With darkness settled in, the wet streets and air cause the lights around to glare.
As I pull onto a street, a car lays into its horn. I don’t know what his problem is. I’m up to speed before he’s even close to hitting me. Idiot. What does he expect in this ridiculous traffic?
After moving approximately two inches an hour for thirty-five minutes, I finally get to the Target where I’m supposed to meet her. When I slow down to pull in, another car honks. I roll down my window and flip them off before driving to Claire’s car at the back of the lot.
She’s leaning against her silver Jetta with a black umbrella in one hand and her cell in the other. She peers up from her phone and, when she notices my car, grimaces.
When I’m out of my car and walking to her, she says, “About time. I texted you an hour ago.”
“I was busy.” I grin, knowing it will bother her even more. “I had to take Ava home after our date.”
She huffs. “You need to leave her alone.”
“Is that why you called me here? To convince me she’s too innocent for a bad-boy like me.” I almost barf at the cliché of my words, but I know it’s what she’s thinking. I’m a demon and therefore evil. Ava is human and must be innocent.
Honestly, she does seem like a good human. But I’m sick of the stereotypes angels constantly spew. Some humans are jerks and, despite my demon blood, I’m not the evil spawn of the earth. And I surely don’t think angels are always the selfless, benevolent creatures they claim to be.
“Ava is having a hard time right now and she’s vulnerable,” Claire says. As I start to think maybe me being a demon isn’t the main reason and that she’s just being a typically concerned friend, she adds, “And we both know those are the types you usually prey on.”
I’m about to tell her exactly how pretentious I think she is, when I bite my tongue. Because if Claire were really a good friend to Ava, she’d just tell her what I am. But that would mean revealing her own secret, a secret I’m guessing she’s kept for a very, very long time.
“If you’re so concerned, just tell her what I am. Humans are indoctrinated to believe demons are evil soul stealers. Surely, if you share my heritage with her she’ll back away.” I shrug.
Claire stiffens and glares needles at me.
One side of my mouth lifts in a half-grin. “Oh, but wait. You aren’t a very good friend if you’ve been lying to her all of this time. Let me guess, she confides in you about everything, thinking you are besties who share your deepest secrets, when really she doesn’t know a thing about you.”
“I’m protecting her,” Claire says through gritted teeth as she glares daggers at me. If looks could kill, this might be my end.
But they can’t, and she can’t deny the truth of what I’m saying.
“Are you, though? There’s a whole world of demons out there. Where were you when the lower demon had practically dug its claws into her at the party last week? Hmm? Oh wait, I’m the one who shooed the thing away. But you wouldn’t expect that of a demon.”
“You did that so you could crawl into her life and seduce her. Don’t pretend you’re some Prince Charming.”
She’s not totally wrong. I did want to get Ava alone that night. But leaving the demon where it was would have made it even easier. It would have whispered thoughts in her ear, convincing her to ignore her morals and give in to all of her desires. Had I left it, we might have done more than kiss that night.
“I’m not going to deny I’m half-demon and have hungers that need satiating, but as much as you want to think I’m just some selfish jerk trying to corrupt her, I’ve actually done my best to let her make her own choices.”
Claire exhales a sound that’s in between a pfff and a sigh. “You aren’t going to fool me. Ava might think you’re a nice guy, but I know how your kind think.”
Your kind.
It takes everything in me not to attack her right here and now. I know I don’t stand a chance against a fully trained half-angel, but causing her a little pain would be worth it. But if I give into my temper, I’m no better than she thinks I am.
“If you refuse to warn her about me, maybe I will,” I threaten. At first, I think it’s just that, a threat, but then I realize I mean it. Not only would it please me like no other to see Claire’s holier-than-thou persona cracked, but I actually like Ava. When I’m with her, I almost feel human.
I have no misconceptions about myself.
I’m just as much demon as I am human, and pretending I’m not won’t do me any good. But sometimes I feel like my demon side rules me, and hanging out with Ava reminds me that there’s still a p
art of me that’s something else. Something purer. Someone who can think a girl is pretty without needing to lure her back to my condo. And can notice the way she bites her lip when she’s nervous or taps her finger when she’s bored.
Maybe I don’t want to lie to her.
Claire inhales and straightens her back, her chin lifting. “You go ahead and do that.”
She doesn’t believe me.
“So, did you call me here just to tell me I’m no good for your friend or do you actually have an assignment for me?”
She pulls a folded envelope out of her pocket. “Dad wants you to learn more about this guy. He thinks he’s working for the leader of a new demon society.”
I tear it open and unfold the paper inside. It’s a profile on Ruben.
I do my best to resist a chuckle. Claire wants me to track Ruben at the same time he wants me tracking her. Gotta love the irony.
“What’s so funny?” she asks.
Apparently, I didn’t hide the humor on my face very well. “I’m sure quite useful to your dad’s cause for you to label me so wicked.”
“You’re not doing it to help anyone but yourself.”
I clench my teeth. She has no idea why I’m doing it. Her father told me if I tell anyone about our bargain, the deal is off. I doubt Claire even knows about my sister. She thinks her dad sends me paychecks for my work.
As if I’d turn my back on my own kind for money.
“I’ll see what I can find out.” I stomp through the puddles forming on the pavement back to my car, get inside, and slam the door without another word.
11
The letter from my mom is now hidden in the desk drawer in my bedroom.
At first, I was sure I’d just ignore it. Who does she think she is wanting to see me? It’s been years and she thinks a letter will mend all the damage she’s done?
Not so much.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me wants to write her back.
Everything is complicated as it is, but I have to think about Dad, too. Hiding it from him seems unfair, but I refuse to make him think about her. So for now, I’ll keep the letter a secret.