“I want to do this right,” he said. “Jane, there have been a lot of other girls. I don’t want to lie to you, but I don’t want you to be one of them. I want to wait until I know you are ready.”
I sat up and pulled my shirt back down. I had become so lost in the moment, I had forgotten about the one thing I was afraid of him seeing. I had forgotten to keep my tattoo hidden. He hadn’t noticed, but I had to be careful. I couldn’t lose myself, again.
We lay back down and relaxed, again. I studied him, lying next to me with his shirt off. He wasn’t gym-toned, but he was perfect to me. He was lean and beautiful. He had a long scar along his rib cage. It was jagged and angry. It wasn’t his only scar and, as I studied him, I noticed something I had never seen before. Partially hidden by the waistband of his pants, on his back, was a network of small scars that almost looked like pieces of cracked eggshell. I reached out and touched them and Edward jumped.
“What are they?” I asked softly.
Edward pulled his shirt back on and shook his head. “They’re crazy.”
“What?”
“You’ll think I’m insane.”
“I wouldn’t care if you were mentally ill. I would love you all the same. Mental illness is treatable.”
Edward kissed me. “My family always said that we would shatter and turn back to dirt, eventually. My father said I was hollow inside and that I would die soulless and alone. My father told me that these were the cracks. Since I have been with you, they have been getting smaller. They’re almost gone now.”
“You should go to a doctor. They could be a sign of a disease and your family’s crazy superstition has kept you from getting proper treatment.” I was a fine one to talk; me and my growing tattoo.
“I have. The doctor didn’t have a clue. He said it must be a rash.”
I shook my head and studied the cracks. Maybe he was dirt. Maybe I was the devil. Maybe we were all cursed and I would die soon and he would turn to dust. I felt like I was losing my mind.
That night we went to bed early. It was hard to lay in his arms and not do anything else. It was hard to kiss him and not go much further. I wanted to be one with him, and as I drifted off to sleep I found myself dreaming of things good girls aren’t supposed to dream about. Just as my dream was about to get really racy, the scent of smoke lifted me from my fantasy. It pulled me out of my slumber and called to me. I sat up. Edward was still asleep. He could sleep through anything. I sniffed the air. I got up and followed the smell down the hall until the smoke was so thick and black that it burnt my eyes and stung my nose.
“Edward!” I cried out.
The smoke was billowing out of my bedroom. I ran to my room and screamed. I screamed so loudly it would even wake Edward from his sleep. Inside my room, my bed was on fire and words were carved into the floor. The words were written in a language I couldn’t understand, but I could read the words next to them. Don’t open the door, was written in ash in front of my bed. I coughed and covered my nose and mouth with my hands. I felt the smoke burn in my lungs. I grabbed my laptop off my desk and hugged it to me. My eyes were drowning in tears and my vision became so blurry I couldn’t see my way forward.
I turned away from my burning bed and saw her standing in the doorway. She blocked my escape. The flames spread rapidly, filling the room with black smoke. The red lady stood in front of me, cackling like a wicked witch in some fairy tale. Her red dress was on fire. The heat from the fire around me burnt my eyes, but there was no way out. She was going to kill me. Bertha, the red lady, Edward’s first girlfriend, was going to kill me.
“You can’t be here,” Bertha said in a hiss. “You can’t be with him. The door will open and bleed. You know the truth, Jane. You know what sleeps beneath your flesh. I will see you burn before I see you wake it. You need to leave.” Bertha laughed hysterically for a minute and then she walked toward me. “Can’t you see it yet? Can’t you see what you are doing? Stupid girl!”
Bertha laughed one last time and then vanished. In a kind of blind desperation, I backed away from where she’d been standing. I turned and ran blindly. I had no idea where I was running. I couldn’t see because of the smoke and I smacked into the wall. The force of it knocked me off my feet and I fell to the floor. Everything went black and I was swallowed up by darkness and pain. The last thing I remembered hearing was a horrible, bell-like laughter that drifted up through the smoke like it was made of fire.
When I woke up again, I was lying in Edward’s bed. I was wearing one of Edward’s shirts and my head was bandaged. My head throbbed like someone had used my face as a percussion instrument in a band. It was daylight, but the curtains were drawn.
I tried to sit up, but the pain in my head was too overwhelming and I lay back down immediately. I wanted to cry, my head hurt so badly. The night before was like a smoky haze. The only thing I could remember clearly was the sight of Bertha in her burning red dress, laughing at me. I opened my eyes. Edward was sitting beside my bed. He had fallen asleep. A book was lying open on his chest, as if he had passed out and while reading. His hair was disheveled and he had enough stubble on his cheek to look as if he were trying to grow a beard. He wore nothing but a t-shirt and some old jeans. He almost didn’t look like himself.
Edward sat up when he realized I was awake. The book fell off his chest and onto the floor. He grabbed my hands and kissed them. “Thank God,” he said. He covered my face with kisses. I couldn’t help but smile. Edward’s passion was like a wave I couldn’t help being carried away by.
I became aware of pain. My arms hurt and my stomach felt like the skin had been peeled off and replaced with duct tape. I moaned in agony.
“Nurse!” Edward bellowed. “She’s in pain.”
The nurse came in with a needle and put something in my arm. I squealed as the needle punctured my skin and Edward kissed my forehead. He whispered sweetly into my ear and promised me that the pain would be gone. He didn’t lie. The nurse left and a sweet oblivion washed over me. It was like I was being carried away on a fluffy white cloud. I sunk into my pillow and looked up at Edward.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too,” he answered.
“She came again, didn’t she,” I whispered. “She came with fire. She’ll never leave you.”
“Who?”
“Bertha.”
Edward drew back. His face turned to stone. “What do you know about Bertha?”
“I know she’s haunting you. I know she won’t rest until we both burn.” I laughed. I felt like my head was a bubble. I was floating above my body instead of sitting in it. Whatever that nurse had given me was strong. “Everyone who matters in my life is a ghost. I’m surrounded by lost phantoms, waiting for me in the fog. Are you even real?”
“You’re talking nonsense,” he answered. “It’s the morphine. There are no ghosts here.. There is only you and me.”
I laughed again. “Maybe we’re the ghosts. Maybe we just don’t know it yet.”
Edward leaned forward. “Go to sleep. Your burns are healing. You’ll be well soon.”
“Did you see it?” I asked as I realized I was in different clothing. He must have changed me.
“Did I see what?” he asked.
“Did you see the door?”
“I saw enough to get you out.”
I drifted off to sleep, knowing Edward still didn’t know my secret, but when I looked down at my arms, I could see that I wouldn’t be able to hide my marks much longer. I was evolving. I dreamt of fire and ghosts. I was walking through an endless fog. Those who had left me rose up from the fog to greet me. My mother and father were there in the fog. They reached out for me. They called my name, but I could not touch them. They were as insubstantial as the fog that surrounded them. Helen stood beside them. She was weeping. She didn’t look up at me. And then she walked away. I turned and found myself face
to face with the two ladies of Thornfield Hall. The two phantoms guarded a great golden doorway. The white lady stood to the right of the door and she held a bird in a silver cage. The red lady held a dragon in her arms. The dragon puffed smoke and growled.
“You can never open the door!” the red lady snarled.
I sat up. My pain was gone. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I think I may have drifted in and out of consciousness. I remembered, only vaguely, what had happened. I remembered Edward. I remembered nurses with pills and needles. I had a catheter in. I struggled in my bed. Edward looked up from his book.
“Are you hurting?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I just feel groggy,” I answered. “What happened?”
“You ran into the fire. I didn’t get to you on time. You were burnt, but not too badly. You had a lot of smoke inhalation injury. It damaged your esophagus and trachea. You were in a lot of pain, so we’ve kept you pretty doped up.”
“H-How long was I out for?”
“About three days. You missed two days of school.”
“Crap,” I muttered. “I had a test.”
“What were you thinking?” Edward asked. “Why the hell would you run into that fire? You could’ve died?”
“I tried to save my laptop,” I grumbled. “Did it get destroyed in the fire?”
“I’ll buy you a new laptop.” He shook his head. “You never have to worry about material things ever again.” He leaned down and kissed my lips. “Promise me you won’t be foolish like that, again.”
“I promise.” I gave him a wobbly smile and he touched my face. I noticed his arms. They were covered in bandages. “What happened to your arms?”
“I got burned carrying you out of the fire.”
“I’m sorry you got hurt. I-I didn’t know it was such a big fire.”
“Why didn’t you run when you realized how big it was?”
I shook my head. “I can’t remember,” I lied.
Edward sighed. “Are you feeling well enough to get up? The doctor said you should do some walking when you woke up.”
I nodded and Edward got the nurse. I spent the day slowly walking the halls of Thornfield with Edward. He held me up while I regained my strength. My burns weren’t as bad as I’d thought. Most of the damage done was from the smoke. That night I fell asleep in Edward’s bandaged arms. I felt so safe there. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to drown in his embrace.
It was a week before I could go back to school, but I made it back. Time passed quickly. I had so much work and Edward had to go back to school, too. My room was repaired. It was as if nothing had happened. All evidence of the fire was erased, and Edward and I spent more and more of our time on the weekend locked in each other’s arms. We were moving too fast. We both knew it.
Chapter 18
That is not Dead which can eternal lie and with strange eons even death may die.
~ H.P. Lovecraft
Edward suggested we get away for Spring Break. The Rochester Group owned a lot of property, including a condo complex in Naples, Florida, and Edward had access to the penthouse whenever he wanted. The night before we left, I had my bags packed and I was trying to figure out how I was going to tell Edward about my tattoos. It was time and there was no way I could go to the sunshine state without revealing my secret.
The next day dawned cool but sunny. It was a bit chilly, but not so cold it was uncomfortable. The scent of spring flowers drifted through the air. I woke up early and went into town to get my hair and makeup done. I’d even bought a pretty blue sundress, with a matching blue knit sweater, to wear on the plane.
“You look lovely,” Mrs. Fairfax said softly in the doorway of my room. There was a sadness in her voice.
I looked in the mirror. My hair fell in soft layers around my face and down over my shoulders. The hairdresser had cut it so that it framed my face instead of hiding it. And the makeup they applied at the salon wasn’t over-done or dramatic. My lips were red and full, my cheekbones had a glow. They even plucked my eyebrows so that they gave my eyes a more dramatic look. My eyes seemed large and dark in my rounded face. I had put on a few pounds since starting college. What they called the ‘freshman fifteen.’ It was more like the ‘sneaky seven’ for me. But given that I was so skinny to begin with, the weight gain suited me. I had always been so poor that food was a luxury, and now I actually had curves where before there were only angles. I felt beautiful inside and out and, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid of that. I was proud of the beauty I had suddenly blossomed into. I wasn’t hiding behind my long hair or under bulky old sweatshirts and baggy jeans. I smiled into the mirror. I buttoned the sweater that was keeping my tattoo covered. It was time to tell the full truth…for both of us.
“Are you ready?” Mrs. Fairfax asked.
I nodded. Butterflies fluttered about in my stomach. Mrs. Fairfax took off a blue topaz ring she was wearing and put it on my finger. I looked down at it. It wasn’t anything extravagant. It was simple and small, but it was pretty and made my finger sparkle.
“What’s this for?” I asked.
“It’s a gift,” Mrs. Fairfax replied.
“You don’t need to do that,” I protested.
“I care about you, Jane,” Mrs. Fairfax said. “Just take the gift.”
I gave Mrs. Fairfax a big hug. She embraced me tightly and kissed my cheek. “You’re in my prayers.”
I carried my suitcase downstairs to wait for Edward. I planned on telling him about my curse after we got settled on the plane. I knew he would understand. I had understood all of his scars and ghosts. He would have to understand mine.
Edward greeted me with a smile. He was dressed casually in shorts and a t-shirt. I liked him best that way. I liked him looking comfortable. He looked more like a boy and less like an angry man. He kissed me.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
I smiled as I opened my mouth to say yes, but the words didn’t come out. The words were cut short by the front doors opening. I recognized the guy that came barreling in immediately. It was the young man who had been hurt a few weeks ago. He burst in and came running into the foyer. Edward stepped forward, putting me behind him, as though he wanted to protect me.
“I got you, you bastard!” the man yelled at Edward. “You killed my sister, Bertha!”
I reached out for Edward’s hand and gripped it so tightly my knuckles went white. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible.
The door swung open again and two police officers in uniform and one in plain clothes followed. The plainclothes officer put his hand on Edward’s shoulder.
“Edward Rochester?” he asked.
“Yes,” Edward answered.
“You are under arrest for the murder of Bertha Mason.”
The officer was reading Edward his Rights. He had the right to remain silent. If he gave up this right anything he said would be held against him in a court of law…
Edward turned to me and grabbed me with his one free hand. He pulled me to him and held me so close I could have been fused to his side.
“You’ve made a mistake,” I said in a panic. “Bertha killed herself. She jumped from the tower.”
“No,” Bertha’s brother spat out. “I finally did what I should have done for my sister all those years ago. I had her exhumed and ordered an autopsy. She’d been stabbed three times before she fell from that tower. You murdered my sister, you bastard!
I let go of Edward’s hand.
“Please,” Edward pleaded. “Jane, you have to understand. This isn’t what you think. She was crazy. She was a drug addict. Please, Jane!”
“Did you stab her Edward?” I asked.
“Yes, but I can explain.” He wrestled himself free of the officers and pulled up his shirt with his one free hand. There was a hideous scar runnin
g down his left side. I had seen it before, but I had assumed it was part of the cracks on his skin that he’d told me about. “She tried to kill me. She did this. I had no choice.”
I backed away from Edward. There had never been a curse. He was a murderer. It all made sense, now. It made more sense than some stupid curse. He had killed Bertha. Maybe his father had killed his mother, too. All the rumors were true and the only ghosts haunting Thornfield were the ghosts of murdered women.
“You had to stab her three times and set her on fire?” the brother yelled. “She had burns all over her. It looked like someone had put cigarettes out on her.”
I closed my eyes. I could still see the phantom red lady burning in my room. I could smell the smoke that had burnt my lungs.
“I didn’t burn her and I didn’t push her!” Edward protested.
The officer wrestled Edward to the ground and put the handcuffs on him. “You have the right to an attorney. If you can’t afford one, one will be provided for you…”
I turned and walked away from him. I could hear Edward calling my name. He was screaming for me, but he was a murderer who had stabbed his first girlfriend three times, set her on fire, and then threw her from the tower. How could I love a man who was capable of such evil? He had set her on fire. I walked out of the house and through the gardens that were still bright with spring flowers. The birds still sang and the breeze still carried the scent of cherry blossoms, but it all seemed bitter. The evil in the house had been Edward. It had always been Edward. Everyone had warned me. Helen, Mrs. Fairfax, Jenna. Everyone had warned me.
I went up to my room and stripped off my pretty new dress. I washed the makeup from my face and tied my hair back in a ponytail. I put on my old jeans and my favorite Gryffindor t-shirt. I packed everything I owned into the suitcase I had come with. I climbed into my old Jeep and drove away.
Chapter 19
Uncertainty and danger are always closely allied, thus making any kind of an unknown world as a world of peril and evil possibilities.
Jane of Fire Page 8