All I wanted was to ring the doorbell and make Edward mine again. All I wanted was to do all the things I had spent my entire life trying not to do. I wanted to take him up to the bedroom and do the things that got teenage girls into trouble, but I couldn’t get the image of Cerrus out of my head. He wanted me to have sex with Edward. He wanted me to do this. Why? I looked up at the brownstone, again, and I saw something sitting by the door. I wasn’t afraid. I should have been, but I wasn’t. The creature that sat on the door was twisted and warped. It was covered in eyes and tongues and matted black fur. I could smell it. It occurred to me that I was losing my mind. I was hallucinating. I was insane. I couldn’t go to Edward. I couldn’t even see straight.
I went home and crawled into my pink bed. Sleep came too quickly and dreams came with sleep. I saw myself standing in the tower, in Thornfield. Edward was in front of me and I had a knife in my hand. I was stabbing him repeatedly. I laughed diabolically and then Edward burst into flames. The tattoo had spread out and covered my entire body. It wrapped me in ivy and skulls and death, and the fire flowed out of me like a river. Edward screamed and I just laughed.
I woke up to fire. I was on fire, but I wasn’t burning. I stood up quickly and began putting the fire out with my blanket. The fire stopped and everything looked singed.
“What if it was always you?” a voice said from the corner. I jumped and backed away.
“Who’s there?” I demanded.
Helen stepped out into the light. She looked different. She looked subdued. Her hair was long again. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and all she had on was a white summer dress. “It is just me,” Helen said softly. “What if it was always you?”
“What?” I asked.
She looked different. She looked faded and broken. She looked like a ghost.
“I’m so sorry, Jane,” Helen whispered.
I ran to her as she began to cry. I tried to wrap my arms around her like before, but I couldn’t. She was different. She was smoke. She was fog. She was a phantom.
“Why are you sorry?” I asked.
“I tried so hard to get you to leave, but I would have set you on fire if I knew what I know now. That would have been better than what I have led you to.”
“Why?” I begged.
“I have to show you the truth,” she said in between sobs. “I wish I didn’t have to, but I have to try to save you, to save everyone, one last time.”
She grabbed me and her phantom hand burned into my flesh. I closed my eyes. I was terrified, but the truth was there as it always had been. I remembered everything. Cerrus was my father. I remembered him holding me as a child. His arms were like wood, dark and strong. He raised me in the Shadowlands. He raised me in that dark place where the old ones lived. I couldn’t see all of it. I could only remember bits. I remember an old tree that I would climb into. It was massive and dark and covered in knots, and inside it was lit up like a Christmas tree. I would sit in the tree and talk to Aylith, a woman with yellow eyes and lips. She would tell stories of the time before time when the great old ones walked with men. I didn’t understand much. I smiled because Aylith was beautiful. She was the one who kissed my back and planted the seed that grew into the door on my back. I had never questioned anything when Cerrus took me from my home and left me in a strange world, filled with strange people who hurt me. I had just forgotten. I pretended it wasn’t there until I was able to forget it entirely. It had been so hard, grabbing hold of my new human reality. I almost went insane. Helen had saved me. Her friendship and sisterhood grounded me and helped me be human.
“You saved my life. You kept that monster Bob away from me and he hurt you.” Tears streamed down my face. “You died for me.”
She nodded. “You were my baby sister. I loved you and protected you.”
“What about Jake? Was he real?”
“Jake is someone I met on the other side. He is a beautiful soul, but I cannot be with him. I thought I could, but I can’t. I can’t until I am done here.”
I shook my head, trying to wrap my mind around all of this.
“What am I?”
“You are one of them. You are one of the old gods. You are the door to the Shadowlands. When the door opens, the darkness will escape. R’yleh will crumble and the gods before time will awaken. You will continue to burn everything in your path until the door opens. You will be wind and fire. You will be water. You are an elemental.”
I closed my eyes and imagined fire and when I opened them again my hand was on fire. Helen was right. “He said I was Jane of the Air?” I asked her. “Why am I burning?”
“I think you have many powers. I don’t entirely understand, but I think you are a door and you contain much of the power from what is behind the door.”
“What? How do I control that?”
Helen shrugged in dismay.
“How do you know all of this? You’re a human.”
“I see things here on the other side…that is why I came back…to warn you, my dear sister.”
I sat down beside Helen. I looked at the tattoos on my arms. They moved and breathed. I reached out and touched Helen. “How do we stop this?” I whispered.
Helen shook her head. “I don’t know if we can. I don’t think we can stop anything. I just know that you and Edward are important. I know that somehow you two are part of this.”
I waited for Helen to say more.
“I know you love Edward, but you have to realize that danger lies ahead. If you go to him, everything will change.
I shook my head. “How can you mean that? I can’t leave him.”
Helen smiled. “I love you, Jane. I know that I can’t stop fate, but you can’t blame me for trying. I will see you one day, on the other side.”
“Can’t you stay?”
“I cannot be in this house. I cannot be here in the way I used to. I am only half here. Cerrus can’t know. Don’t tell him. I think he is evil. He is worse than the Devil himself…
My eyes filled with tears for my beautiful sister.
“Run away, Jane. Run someplace beautiful and live your life. You don’t deserve to hurt anymore. I will see you again one day…”
Chapter 27
If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back at you.
~ Nietzsche
When I awoke, I went back to Edward’s house and sat by the tree across the street. I watched him through the window. I wanted to cry, but there were no tears for me. I sat until evening came and then I walked home. I tried to eat, but my stomach felt like a rock. There was no room for food, so I showered. In the mirror, I saw horror, not wonders. Helen had called them wonders, but I had trouble believing that the writhing mass of tentacles and mangled flesh, with a thousand eyes and teeth, that was peering out at me from my thigh was anything but a horror. I covered myself in leggings and a giant sweater and wandered around Cerrus’s house. I stared in terror at his collection of baby fetuses in formaldehyde. I picked up old fossils he had collected and statues of strange gods that appeared to be from Mesopotamia. He had chipped engravings of Celtic gods that I touched and studied. Cernunnos looked surprisingly like my father. Perhaps my father was Cernunnos.
Finally, I wandered into the library. It was half the size of Thornfield’s, but it was set up like a maze. The books that lined the shelves were nothing like Thornfield’s books. There were old copies of books on gods and demons. Satanic texts and gnostic gospels, from hundreds of years, ago sat next to scrolls written in Mandarin. One of the books looked like it was bound in flesh. It was a library that was not for a book lover like me. I did not feel happy in there. Finally, I went back to bed.
In the morning, I went back to Edward’s house. I spent the week this way. I got less and less sleep. I stopped eating. I wandered between my new home with its cabinet of curiosities and Edward’s home, where I sat and stared wi
th longing. A week passed and I still hadn’t eaten and sleep had become impossible. I wandered like a ghost.
After my second week there, Cerrus came and sat beside me, outside of Edward’s house. We stared up at Edward’s windows together. “What are you doing, Jane?” he asked.
“Losing my mind,” I answered.
“Come home,” he said. “I’ll cook you dinner.”
I took my father’s hand and looked up into his eyes. He was smiling again.
“What is happening to me?” I asked. “I feel like I’m going insane. I feel wrong.”
“Come home.”
We went back to Cerrus’s townhouse and he sat me down in the kitchen and made us dinner. Surprisingly, it was good. There was foie gras on crostini, caviar-filled crepes, and lobster stuffed ravioli in a delicate cream sauce. It was beyond good. It was divine. He even made me dessert. Chocolate mousse so good I closed my eyes and sighed. I ate until I began to feel normal again. After my meal was done, I felt calm for the first time since I had left Huntington. My head cleared and my thoughts came together. I looked down at my hands. Tiny flowers decorated my fingers. Bugs were hiding behind the flowers. They were pretty. I pulled up my sleeve. The monsters were covered in flowers and grass. There was a beauty in it.
“Do you feel better?” Cerrus asked.
I nodded.
“You have to stop this,” he said. His perpetual smile faded and his features changed. His eyes turned yellow again. His skin turned dark like wood. Horns grew from his head. I looked down at my skin. We had the same color skin, although mine lacked his texture. “You can’t wander around this house and this neighborhood like a ghost.”
“I don’t want to open the door,” I said.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“What makes you think it will hurt anyone?” His voice was deeper.
“You are a monster.”
“Am I? Maybe they are the monsters. Eons ago, before man devoured this world, we ruled. There was no war. Fathers didn’t rape their daughters. We took care of the world. We kept the green spaces and fed the dark oceans. Man imprisoned us. They locked us behind four doors. They are the monsters. I am only a prisoner seeking freedom.”
“If I go to him, no one will be hurt?”
Cerrus stood up and kissed my forehead. “You are my most beautiful creation. You were fashioned from love. You could never hurt anyone. There is nothing that is any part of you that could cause any pain to anyone. No one will be hurt.”
“Promise?” I wanted to believe Cerrus so badly. I wanted to go to Edward. I felt like I was dying, withering. I felt like I needed Edward. I felt like what I imagined drug addicts felt like when they were going through withdrawal.
“I would never lie to you,” Cerrus said.
Chapter 28
We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of the black seas of the infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.
~ H.P. Lovecraft
The next morning, I went back to Edward’s house and sat on the doorstep. I was still afraid to go in. I waited. I watched the tattoos on my hands and I waited. Mrs. Fairfax found me.
I was sitting in front of Edward’s house, watching it, and she sat down next to me. “It really is cruel, making an old lady sit on the ground like this,” she said.
“I’m sorry.” I blushed. My embarrassing stalking behavior had been noticed.
“What are you doing, Jane?” she asked.
I shrugged. I had no answers that made sense. I just knew I was tired and worn thin.
“Come inside.”
“I can’t.” My voice was hoarse with emotion.
“You can’t just sit on the curb watching us forever,” she said. “Edward misses you. Come inside.”
I nodded and let Mrs. Fairfax lead me to the only place I knew I shouldn’t go. I disregarded Helen’s warning and I told myself that my father wouldn’t lie. I told myself all of this because I loved Edward too much. Mrs. Fairfax took me inside and brewed me some tea.
“What happened to you?” Mrs. Fairfax asked.
“CPS came for me,” I answered. “I am living with an uncle now. He lives a few doors down.”
Mrs. Fairfax smiled. She was genuinely happy. “Thank God!” she exclaimed. “You need someone watching out for you. You are too young to be on your own.”
I shrugged. I was better off on my own.
“You should go see him,” Mrs. Fairfax says. “He wants to see you. He is upstairs. Third bedroom on the right.”
As I walked upstairs, I told myself I wouldn’t go to him. I told myself that I would just peek in. I would watch him for a minute and I would turn around and leave and never come back. But when I stepped into his room and saw him, I was lost.
Seeing Edward made me draw a deep breath. He had been badly burned and the right side of his face was marred by significant scarring. His eyes were wrapped in bandages and it was clear that he was blind. I felt overwhelmed by guilt. I had done this. I had been the cause of the fire that had burned him. My passion had devoured him. I looked at his burnt and mangled face. It didn’t matter. He still left me breathless. It would take more than a few scars to strip him of his beauty. He sat in a chair, in the dark. He didn’t seem to be doing anything. He was wearing an old ratty t-shirt and shorts. He had grown a beard. It suited him. I placed my hand on his shoulder.
“Who’s there?” he snarled.
“It’s me,” I answered.
“Jane?” he asked.
“Yes,” I whispered.
He stumbled toward me and grabbed me and kissed me with the same force and passion as he always had. He lifted me off my feet and held me. “You came back,” he whispered.
“Of course,” I answered. “I love you.”
“I killed Bertha. I’m burnt beyond recognition. Grandmother died in the fire. Why would you come back?”
I kissed him again. I didn’t want to stop. I never wanted to let him go again. My body ached for him. Nothing else mattered. All the madness didn’t matter. I had to be with him. “How could I not?” I said. “You are my other half.”
With that, he picked me up and carried me to the bed. He stumbled again, but we made it there, despite his bandaged eyes. I took off his shirt and kissed his scarred body and he explored me with his hands. Nothing mattered. Time stood still and I lost my virginity in the dark of Edward’s New York townhouse. It hurt. There was blood. It wasn’t what I expected nor what I had seen in the movies, but Edward was kind and gentle and told me it would get better with time.
“Can I see your eyes?” I asked when everything was done.
“They are horrible,” he said.
“I don’t care. Can I see them?”
“Okay. I am supposed to take the bandages off every night and put ointment on them.”
I slowly peeled the bandages back and Edward opened his beautiful, blue eyes. I melted like I always had.
He gasped. “I can see!” He grabbed my face and kissed me. “I can see you. Holy shit! I burned my eyes. I am not supposed to see! You are magic, Jane.”
He stopped suddenly and looked at me. I was completely naked next to him in the bed. I blushed. I had only been comfortable with my nudity because he was blind. “You are perfect,” he said. “You are like a fairy queen.”
“Shut up,” I said.
“We must look like Beauty and The Beast next to each other,” he commented.
“That’s what I always thought, except I thought you were Beauty and I was The Beast.”
“Everything about you is beautiful, Jane. Everything.” He kissed me tenderly and my heart filled with love. Then I saw it. An old key hanging around his neck. “Why are you wearing a key around your neck?”
He looked down and grasped it with one hand. “I found it i
n a box on your dresser in your room after I returned to Thornfield. I thought you’d forgotten it there after you left.” His lips quirked in a bittersweet smile. “I put it on a chain and have been wearing it ever since. I can’t explain it, but having it around my neck helped me feel close to you.”
I reached out and touched the key. “I’ve never seen it before…someone else put that key there.”
“Maybe Liliana did?” he mused. “Maybe it’s meant to open something. A box of letters…I guess we’ll never know now since the house is pretty much destroyed.”
I sighed. “So many mysteries…I’m tired of mysteries.” I stood up and walked toward my clothing, which had been abandoned on the floor.
“Speaking of mysteries,” Edward said. “Wow! That is an impressive piece of ink, Jane. I didn’t think you were that type of girl, but it only makes you more beautiful.”
I panicked and yanked my clothes on in a rush. My shirt went on backward and my pants were inside out. Edward stopped me. “Why are you ashamed?” he asked. “No matter what you wear, no matter what you do, you will always be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” He took my shirt off and studied me, and I let him. I felt his hands trace the outlines of the tattoo on my back. His fingers caressed my flesh as he examined the massive mangle of monsters and madness that had been etched into my skin.
“This is amazing,” he said. “It is so real I can almost see it move.”
“I never wanted you to see this.”
He wrapped his arms around me. “Why are you ashamed? You should never be ashamed in front of me? When did you get it?”
“I didn’t,” I began to cry. “I’ve had it since they found me. It was on my back when I was a little girl. It keeps getting bigger. It’s growing. I don’t understand what is happening to me. I shouldn’t be here. I think I am going crazy. I should go.”
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