Greedy. Self-centered bitch. God, what did Michael ever see in you anyways.
“Stop it!” I will my mind, but it has a power all its own and it isn’t stopping yet, and I fear it won’t ever.
You belong six feet under instead. You deserve to die. To never be able to feel, to love, to have any of the joy that you stole from Michael. He gave up his life for you and you couldn’t even let go for one-second to let him hold you one last time. You loved him? You sure had a shitty way of showing it.
I glance to my right and see a dirty kitchen knife. One of the few dishes left from Saturday breakfast. I swallow over a lump in my throat at the thoughts racing through my head at a lightning fast pace.
You want to stop me? You got to stop yourself? You want to silence me? You have to take away my power! You know what to do. You know how to do it. So why don’t you? What are you waiting for? Wouldn’t it be nice to never worry, to never count the seconds until I return? Come on, Rose. Take your best shot. You want to keep me quiet? There is only one way. And you’ll finally be free.
Free.
The word sticks to the inside of my brain like super glue to your fingers.
Free.
All I want is to be free. But I don’t deserve it. I deserve to be tortured, forever for the way I was to him. I close my eyes, and when I reopen them the knife shines like my only hope. My only chance.
Quiet. All I want is to have it quiet. My fingers burn as I feel them inch their way across the countertop.
Silence. Please, God, give me silence.
My fingers are mere seconds away. Mere moments away from stopping it. From controlling it.
But is it really controlling if I give in, a voice echoes in the far distance through my mind.
“Mommy!” Liam shouts behind me startling me and making me jump. I swirl around and meet his eyes and thank God for his distraction so I can gather my wits. I can’t believe I let it get that far when Liam and Olivia are all I need, want, and have in this world. I am still coming to my senses when I notice a figure standing behind Liam for the first time. Blinking over the tears that begin to burn in the back of my eyes, I focus on the stranger’s face and oddly feel comfort like I always do when he stares back at me.
He looks angry, sad, confused and torn.
He saw. He knows. He won’t stay. Soon, you’ll be alone again. With nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. When everyone else leaves, I’ll always be here. The truth. The hard facts you can never outrun. And you know it.
I shake my head and try and focus.
Meeting his stare once again, I manage to ask, “What are you doing here?”
Justin shrugs and walks further into the kitchen as Liam runs off. “I have to work the fall festival. I was walking past, saw you were home, so I thought I’d stop.”
He looks me up and down in a way that makes me nervous and it is only then that I realize I am still in my pajamas. No bra. Baggy pants. Baggy shirt. Hair in a messy bun and I sure as hell have yet to brush my teeth opting to go straight to coffee when I woke up because I was sure I wasn’t going to see anyone.
The confrontation in his office was almost two weeks ago now. To say our work environment since then has been full of sexual tension would be an understatement. But he has strategically always been very busy so we have never been forced into the same room for long, until now. And with no one around to keep things “professional,” my mind wonders just why he stopped by when he could have just kept passing through.
He eyes me and stares deep into my soul as he comes a few steps closer. The heat of his body is all I feel as he takes his final step forward until we are toe to toe on the cold linoleum.
His stare makes me nervous, but I never look away. He can see me. He can see past the facade I hide behind. The mask that I never let down for anyone.
He sees past it all, and even though I never intended to let anyone see through me, I suddenly feel the need to let him. To let him know me, and maybe even save me. If he is willing. Because something deep inside, something that sounds a lot like intuition, fate, hope, God even, tells me he could.
“How are you?” He asks with sad eyes.
I fight back the need I feel inside to cry as my bottom lip trembles. “I’m ok.” I answer. Not entirely the truth, but not a full-blown lie either, so I am proud of myself for that.
“Are you sure?” He persists. “Because, it just so happens, I’m not.”
That catches me off guard. He’s not? What does that mean? Then what did he come here for, really? And with the mess I am dealing with, I can’t help him right now. No way in hell. But damn it if I am not a woman and a small piece of me suddenly feels the need to nurture.
“I’m sorry,” I manage to say, slightly irritated now but also confused. “What is wrong with,” but he cuts me off.
“See, I promised myself I wouldn’t stop. That I wouldn’t get close,” he says, coming closer and caging me against the counter. His look burns into my heart and causes goosebumps to prickle on my arms. He smells of musk and mint and all I want to do is be wrapped up in his big arms where something tells me he would always protect me.
Too bad you can’t even protect yourself. Look what you almost did just now. Pathetic.
I shut my eyes trying to stop the voice. Trying to escape the reality that I really am not ok. That I need someone. That I need him to stay at least and talk to me. Keep the voices away. Make them surrender. If only for today.
“Rose,” I hear him whisper. “Open your eyes. Look at me.”
Slowly I do as he says. Tears fill my vision, but through the watery haze, all I see is him. So I hold on to the look in his eyes and stay with him. Where he never fails to silence my demons.
“Let’s get you out of here.” He sternly says. “Come with me for the day. Take the kids. Let’s eat caramel apples. Festival popcorn. Let them paint a pumpkin or two. But let’s get you out of this house.”
I laugh at the gesture, at the thought of me taking my kids to the festival with my boss. That wouldn’t be good for the office. The town gossips would eat that up in a second.
“I don’t think so,” I say, blowing him off. He looks hurt, and it is beyond me why.
“That wasn’t a request.” He sternly says before I glare back at him in shock.
“Excuse me?” I ask.
“Get ready. I’ll take care of the kids. Dress warm. And don’t take too long. You need a break, and I … need you.” What did he just say? I am still trying to wrap my brain around his last sentence when he continues. “I’m not going to tell you twice, Ms. Gables.” His eyes light up in a teasing way as a sexy grin spreads across his chiseled face at his last sentence and leaves me breathless.
I give him a smirk before feeling my resolve crumble as I push past him and make my way out of the kitchen and to my bedroom. Just as I go to close the door, I hear him behind me and turn to look as he kneels down, picks Olivia up off the floor, and stays at eye level with Liam.
“Alright, Liam. Man to man, how do we get this little sister of yours ready? I might need a little help.” I hide my giggle as I begin to close the door but leave it slightly cracked to keep an ear out. Lord knows he will probably want some help before we get out the door, but beyond what he needs, my mind is more concerned with the help I’m going to wish I had, because I just may be falling and I don’t know if Justin knows how to catch.
Chapter 5
Justin
Her face is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen as her laughter floats across the lawn. I pull up my camera and snap a few photos of her as she floats Olivia through the air, swirling her in her arms and making her smile. She’s breathtaking. Her eyes catch mine and she falters for a brief second. I see her try and mask the look I am getting to know so well. The one that says everything she can’t put into words.
Help.
But then she covers it quickly with a shy smile and gives me a reassuring look that tells me she is ok for the moment, and I le
t go of the breath I was holding in while wondering.
“Mr. Gatz,” comes Liam’s small voice at my side. “Can we go look at the fire truck?” He points off in the distance and I look to see the city fire department set up in a far corner handing out goody bags and letting kids climb in and out of the fire engine.
“Sure, Bud. You like fire engines?” His eyes light up as he takes my large hand in his small one and pulls me cautiously forward, as if he doesn’t know if he is allowed to and he is not sure about the gesture of holding my hand. I give his tiny palm a slight squeeze and smile down at him to ease his nerves as we walk towards the fire department.
“Well, hey there Son, you want to sit in the engine?” The local chief asks as we approach.
Liam’s smile is contagious as it grows and spreads across his face. He nods slightly as the chief hoists him up in the big red truck and sets him in the driver’s seat. I watch as his eyes light up and he takes in all the buttons before grabbing a hold of the big wheel. He squeezes his hands tight around it, as if he doesn’t want to ever let go, and I suddenly see a future for this little boy that I know will probably involve a career as a first responder.
I snap a few pictures. One of him staring straight ahead. Another of him looking around the inside of the cab. Finally, one of him staring straight at me and smiling.
“You want to do the siren?” The chief asks, having to have seen the same look on his little face that I did. But I falter slightly as I notice there is something more. The chief looks at Liam as if he knows him, and I can’t help but notice the boy looks back at the man the same.
Liam looks over excited as he shakes his head. “Yes, Sir. Please, Sir.” His little voice is barely noticeable but grabs to my heart and takes a piece of me with it. The chief stands, reaches across him and shows Liam which button to push. With a shaky hand, the little boy reaches over and the loud siren goes off, startling all around, but Liam who stays still. Motionless. As if the siren was always a part of him. After a moment, the chief reaches over and shuts it off with a laugh.
“Good job, Boy. You want to hop on down and I will show you around the back of the truck?”
Liam nods excitedly and quickly jumps out of his seat. I watch with a full heart as the chief pulls him down from the engine and they walk side by side to the back of the truck.
“His dad was a firefighter, you know?” I hear Rose say behind me. I swing around to see her cradling Olivia in her arms and swaying back and forth as she feeds her a bottle. I look down at the little girl and see her eyes closing slightly before she fights them and tries to open her heavy lids again only to have them seem weighted more than before as she drinks her bottle.
“Is that so?” I ask, looking back up at the woman who is quickly stealing my heart, my life, and everything I never thought I would give to anyone ever again as long as I continue to stay haunted.
She nods before glancing around me and checking to make sure that her son is safe. “He was only a volunteer, but one of the best. The department always knew they could call him when he was back stateside.” She pauses as a sadness settles across her features. “He never stopped,” she continues with a heavy sigh. “He always put others first. Even when they didn’t do the same for him.” Something flashes across her face that I can’t read, but it is gone as quickly as it came. She nods in the direction of the back of the truck, and I glance around me to see the chief smiling back sadly at her before nodding in return.
“Looks like he caught his dad’s bug,” I say, not entirely sure how to respond as time passes between us slowly. “I think he’d do great to follow in his dad’s footsteps.”
I glance back at her and see a fire fill her eyes. A fear. A hatred for whatever it was that I just said.
“Never,” she hisses out at me before pushing past. “Liam, come on honey. It’s time to go.”
Dumbfounded, I stare at her back as the boy quickly rushes to his mother’s side and she grabs his hand in haste before pushing past me towards the exit. I am still standing still a few moments later as my brain tries to catch up with what just happened and my feet finally do the same as I run after her. Whatever I said hit a nerve, and it was totally not my intention.
“You’re leaving?” I ask as a hurry alongside her. “You can’t leave yet, they haven’t announced the winners of the costume contest.” Liam spins around and stares at me with excitement.
“A costume contest!” He asks “Mom, please?” Liam begs as he pulls his mother to a stop and makes her finally have to respond.
“I don’t think so,” she says coldly. Olivia has managed to nod off and is now sleeping soundly and I quickly try and think of anything to say to keep her from leaving.
“Come on,” I prod. “You can’t deny this little man a costume contest. How will he decide what he wants to be for Halloween this year if he doesn’t get to see what the top costumes are?” I give the little man a wink which earns me a smile in return. I glance up at his mother and can tell she is on the fence. I almost have her. I can’t give up now. “One hour,” I promise. “Let me take some pictures of the contest. I’ll make some good excuse. Then I’ll take you all out for pumpkin pie and ice cream.” That earns me a squeal from the little boy to my right.
“Please mommy, please!” Liam pleads.
Rose drops her son’s hand and puts it on her hip, giving me an “are you serious” grin. With a mischievous smile, I gracefully pull Olivia from her arms and hold her tight. With a wink, I pick up Rose’s hand and gently pull her towards the stage where the costume contest will start shortly. “One hour, Rose? What can it hurt?”
“Yes!” Liam shouts as he runs off in front of us. I laugh at his enthusiasm before turning back to his mother at my side. She shakes her head a few times, before biting her bottom lip and glancing up at me with those breathtaking blue doe eyes.
“You’re trouble, you know that Mr. Gatz?” She gives me a sexy grin before releasing my hand and strutting off towards her son.
Trouble? She doesn’t know the half of it. I glance down at the sleeping beauty in my arms and swallow over a large lump in my throat. I left Knoxville to distance myself from family. To keep myself away from life, from love. All I do is hurt those I love most. All I do is ruin every damn thing I ever let close. But the pull this woman has on me has me going back on every single thing I promised myself I’d never allow. She has me falling over the edge. Taking a risk. Pushing myself to my limits, and it scares the shit out me.
How did I get here?
I glance up as I continue to walk towards the stage. This woman is going to be the end of me, I fucking know it. I am already ruined if I think I can walk away from her and her two kids now. The only question is, how much am I willing to gamble before their lives are in danger and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to save them?
Chapter 6
Rose
Liam spoons one of the largest pieces of pumpkin pie I have ever seen into his mouth and I watch in amazement as he struggles to chew. Shaking my head at him with a smile, I look up as Justin laughs at his side while he bounces Olivia on his knee.
He’s so good with kids. I wonder why? Does he have any of his own? If he did, I wouldn’t think he’d abandon them? Or, would he?
I pick up my cup of coffee and blow on it lightly. His eyes catch mine across the table and the look he gives me takes my breath away. God, just being near him is enough to set every bit of me on fire. Suddenly I feel guilty, because it occurs to me that I never felt this way with Michael. Not once.
I loved him. I know I did, and still do. But that look, the one that stares deep into my soul, I’ve never felt such an intense connection with anyone before and it scares me a little. Actually, it scares me a lot.
As the guilt rises, I set down my cup and worry my wedding ring around my finger. As if on instinct, Justin’s eyes move to my hands as he watches and reads me like a book he’s memorized a thousand times. He glances up and gives me a sad smile before pulling Ol
ivia close and letting her play with the napkin on the table.
“So little man, what is it going to be? Monster or vampire?” He asks Liam as he just now finishes swallowing the large bite he took a few moments prior.
“Monster! I want to scare Ashley Turner down the street. Momma, can you paint me green? She hates frogs. Frogs are green. Monsters are green. She doesn’t stand a chance,” he says with a wicked laugh.
I smile and shake my head at my little man once more. “Like Frankenstein?”
“Who’s Frankenstein?” Liam asks, which makes me and Justin glance up at each other before breaking out in a fit of laughter we try, and hide but fail miserably.
Easily distracted like most four-year olds are, Liam jumps down from the booth at the cafe and stares off at the claw machine in the corner. “Momma, I see that pirate I was trying to win. Can I have a quarter? Please, please?”
I watch as Justin reaches in his pant’s pocket and pulls out a few coins. “Here, knock yourself out Buddy.” He says, handing Liam at least four to five quarters.
“Wow! Thanks!” My son squeals as he skips off towards the machine. Olivia starts to fuss so I stand and make my way over to Justin and take her out of his arms. As I do, our hands brush one another, and I feel a jolt rush through my body. I look up and notice he felt it too as his stare burns into my heart and butterflies dance in my stomach.
“I can manage, Rose. I’d like to help.” I stare in his eyes and get lost while Olivia continues to fuss in my arms. Silence settles between us again before he speaks. When he does, it comes out as a whisper. “Why won’t you let anyone help you?”
Embarrassed, I glance down at the floor and don’t bother to respond as I return to my seat. Slightly irritated, he fidgets in his seat before picking up his water glass and taking a long drink. A deafening stillness overcomes us as he waits for me to speak. But how do you tell someone you don’t know how to let someone help you? Because God knows I want his help, but I’m incapable of taking it. At least for now.
Resurrection Page 3