by Ali Parker
“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “The point is Jackson wants something different from this than I can give. I can’t have casual sex with my best friend and deny that my feelings are getting involved. I want more or I want nothing at all. And I’m not going to ask him to be all in. He can’t. He’s juggling his business and he’s still having too much fun fucking strangers and living the single life. We made a mistake when we hooked up.”
Hannah sighed. “Or you both acted on impulses you’ve had for a long time but neither of you are capable of looking the other in the eye and saying what you really feel.”
“I know what I feel. Regret.”
“Drama queen. You guys have been best friends forever. Whatever this is, I’m sure you can work it out.”
“Not this time.” I meant it. This felt different. “It’s too complicated. Not to mention embarrassing.”
“Embarrassing? Why?”
“I feel like an idiot, Hannah. I followed him to New York because—I don’t know—because I thought maybe there was something there between us that he’d want to pursue. But he doesn’t want to pursue anything. He wants easy, no strings attached sex. And there’s nothing wrong with him wanting that but I can’t give it to him. The cost is too high.”
Hannah didn’t say anything for what felt like a long time. I began taking only left turns to make my way back to the apartment and to Jackson, who was doing who knows what back there while he waited for me.
He’s probably trying to make sense of your special brand of crazy.
“So what do you want, Hailey?”
There it was. The big question. If I couldn’t be with Jackson, which I knew would ruin our friendship, what did I want instead?
“I want to come home,” I said.
“You just got there! Are you sure you want to throw in the towel so quickly? What about your job? They’re not going to just want to transfer you back in a matter of a week.”
“I’ll get a new one. It doesn’t matter. I can figure it out.”
“Since when have you ever said your job didn’t matter?”
“Since I made an ass of myself and followed Jackson to a new city on a stupid whim that maybe things would be different!” I barked into the phone. As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt bad. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t lash out at you. This isn’t your fault.”
“It’s okay. I get it. If you think coming home is best, then come home. But Hailey. Running away won’t fix things. Putting distance between yourself and Jackson isn’t going to make him come running after you. If that’s what you’re hoping will happen, then you’d best prepare yourself for disappointment.”
My bottom lip trembled and I willed myself to stay in control and not let my emotions take over. “He won’t follow me. New York is his dream. It’s where he’s supposed to be.”
“I know. I just wanted to make sure you did, too. I’ll see you in a couple days?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Yeah. You will.”
I was soaking wet from the rain when I got back to Jackson’s apartment. None of the lights were on, and now that full night had settled upon the city, the place was thick with darkness save for the glow of the TV and the light above the stove on the other side of the place.
“Jack?”
I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Jackson sat up from where he’d been sprawled across the sofa.
I moved deeper into the apartment and flicked on the living-room lights. Jackson grimaced and shielded his eyes, so I turned the dimmer down to a dull glow so as not to blind him. He rubbed at his eyes as I took a seat across from him and leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees.
“Where did you go?” Jackson asked.
“Around.”
“Did it help?”
No. “Yes,” I said. “I’m sorry I ran out on you. But I needed to be alone. Things were moving too fast and I didn’t realize that I needed to slow down. Jackson, I don’t think we should do this anymore. It’s a bad idea. We work as best friends. Not best friends who also sleep together. You’re too important to me to jeopardize what we have. I think it would be best if we go back to how things used to be.”
Jackson nodded his agreement. “Okay. I can do that. We’ll keep it hands-off.” He sat back on the sofa and showed me his hands like a prisoner just proven innocent. “You’re too important for me to risk losing, too. I mean it, Hails. I never meant to put you in a bad spot.”
“I know that.”
“So we’re good?” The hope in his voice hurt my heart.
I licked my lips. “I’m going to move home, Jack. I’ll book my flight tomorrow.”
“Home?”
“Nashville.”
He stared at me and I stared back, and my heart broke for the second time that night.
Chapter 22
Jackson
The engine of my Mercedes rumbled loyally as Hailey and I sat in bumper to bumper New York City traffic. JFK airport was still a good five or so miles away, and at this rate, she and I had at least half an hour to kill.
The ride had been eerily quiet since we left my apartment forty-five minutes ago.
Usually, Hailey and I were in our element whenever we were out for a drive. She’d crank the music and I’d roll the windows down and we’d revel in our glory and serenade people in cars parked beside us at red lights. Hailey would run her hand through the wind when we hit straightaways and picked up speed. Her hair would get caught up in her lip-gloss smile and I’d mouth the words to the songs so my own voice wouldn’t drown out hers.
I liked to listen to her sing even though she wasn’t very good at it. Tone deaf. Not that I’d ever say that to her.
But this drive wasn’t like that.
The radio was playing so quietly I could hardly hear the song playing through my speakers. The windows were rolled up and it was raining, as it had been for the last half of the week. Hailey’s knees pointed toward the passenger door and her elbow rested on the window ledge. She held her head up in one hand and gazed out the raindrop-spattered window. I could see her reflection in the glass.
She looked as gloomy as the weather and as glum as I felt.
And it was my fault.
Just a few days ago, I’d had everything I could have ever wanted and I’d tricked myself into believing it would stay that way. I had my fresh new start in the city of my dreams. I had my dream job. I was at the jumping-off point for even more career success and the only thing that had been missing was my best friend by my side.
Then miraculously, she’d shown up.
Hailey had dropped everything in Nashville to come be with me.
What was I supposed to interpret that as? I thought she’d chosen us over everything else. I thought she was ready to start a new chapter of our lives together, regardless of what shape together took.
But the things she’d said to me the other night after she went for her walk had me questioning everything. Did she even know me at all? Did she really think all I cared about was a piece of arm candy?
I cleared my throat. “I’d still like to fly you out for frequent visits if you’re up for it. If you get a long weekend off or something. We could do touristy New York shit together.”
Hailey lifted her head from her hand and offered me a tired smile. “Yeah. That would be nice.”
I had the strong sense she was merely telling me what she thought I wanted to hear.
When had things gotten so weird between us? Why hadn’t I seen this coming? Why hadn’t I pumped the brakes as soon as shit got intimate and realized we were heading down a road we might not ever be able to turn around from?
Was the casual hookup the problem? Or was there something else bothering her?
The traffic continued to inch forward. Soon, the airport was looming in the distance and we moved into the right lines toward the domestic departure terminals. We got backed up behind taxis and luxury sedans doing drop-offs, but eventually, I was able to pull into a spot near t
he curb where we could safely unload Hailey’s bags.
She got out of the car before I’d even turned off the ignition.
When I got out, she was already standing at the trunk. I popped the lock and the trunk unlatched. Hailey lifted it up and began hauling her bags out. I stepped in to help. Normally, she’d have stood back and let me get her bags for her.
Not today.
She was flying solo. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to punish me or just remind me that she didn’t need me.
Either way, it didn’t feel very good.
I closed the trunk and she stacked her carry-on bag on top of her suitcase. “Thanks for driving me,” she said.
“Of course. Didn’t seem right to load you into a cab. Besides, I wanted as much time with you as I could get.”
Her smile was tense and short lived, and it didn’t touch her eyes.
Hailey shouldered her purse and turned around to look up at the terminal signs for her gate.
I moved up onto the curb with her and pointed it out to her. “You’re right down there.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear and turned back to me. “Thanks again for trying to make this work. For a minute there, I thought it would but… this is best.”
If you say so.
I knew Hailey well enough to catch all the signs that she’d made up her mind and there was nothing I could say or do to change it. And I didn’t want to. If this wasn’t where she wanted to be, then I wasn’t going to fight for her to stay.
I ignored the comment about this being the best thing for right now. “I’m still glad you came.”
She didn’t say “me too” like I hoped she might. Instead, she said, “I wish I’d sorted my shit out before I cost you so much money making over that bedroom.”
“I bought all that for you. I’ll have it sent to Hannah’s on a moving truck.”
Hailey’s eyes widened with surprise. “I don’t want you to do that.”
And I don’t want you to leave.
I gave her a cocky grin. “We can’t always get what we want, Hails.”
I wasn’t sure what I’d been hoping for. Some playful banter might have been a nice note to end this anticlimactic, disappointing journey on. It was kind of our shtick. I cracked a joke, and she’d roll her eyes and crack one back, and we’d hug and go our separate ways smiling about how dumb our best friend was.
We weren’t going to get that goodbye this time. I could feel it.
How long would it be before I saw her again?
Weeks?
Months?
And if it was months, how many?
“I’ll come to Nashville too,” I said, hoping my desperation and worry weren’t bleeding into my voice.
Hailey smiled over her shoulder at me. “I should hope so. Just because you’re a big shot out here doesn’t mean you can forget about all of us out there.”
“Never.”
“I should go.”
“Yeah.”
Hailey kept a hand on the handle of her suitcase and stepped in to give me a one-armed hug. It was weak compared to our usual squeeze-the-shit-out-of-each-other hugs. She broke it off quickly, gave my jacket a quick tug to straighten it out, and flashed me a smile that I thought was genuine.
“Knock ‘em dead, will you?” she said.
“That’s the plan.”
She dropped her head and turned and I watched her go. She kept her head down, eyes glued to the sidewalk, and made her way to the entrance, where she ducked in line behind the throngs of other people making their way inside to check in for their flights. I kept my eyes trained on her until I lost sight of her in the sea of strangers.
I sighed and slid my hands into my jean pockets. “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
Cars started honking at me as soon as I got back behind the wheel. They wanted my spot, so I gave it to them, cranking the wheel and pulling back out into traffic knowing I had a long drive ahead of me.
Traffic inched slowly away from the airport before it came to a dead stop where everyone was trying to merge off the terminal drive. I pulled out my phone and shot a message to my sister, telling her that I blew it with Hailey.
She sent me a message back in less than a minute saying we could sit down for drinks and talk about it soon. She was coming to visit on Thursday to meet up with some big money clients for her hotel and she’d squeeze me in.
At least I still had Katie to keep me sane and help me make sense of what went wrong and maybe, just maybe, help me set it right again.
Chapter 23
Hailey
Coming to the last chapter of a good book was always bittersweet. I was happy for the characters when they got their fairy-tale ending, but once I put the book down, it could no longer save me from the deep, dark, loneliness I was feeling.
I’d closed in on the last few pages of the last W. Parker book Katie had sent me on Jackson’s behalf, and once I finished it, I didn’t know how I’d drown my sorrows. I had no more books stacked in the to-be-read piles on any surfaces in my sister’s house and I lacked the energy to move my ass off the sofa and actually wander down to a used book store to do some shelf perusing. It sounded downright exhausting.
Honestly, everything sounded exhausting to me these days.
I’d been back in Nashville for about a week and a half. I was in limbo with work because my transfer hadn’t fully gone through when I first went to New York. There were still employee codes and identification numbers that needed to be reset and pushed back to the Nashville branch.
I was amazed they’d been willing to keep me as an employee. I supposed my work ethic and customer relations skills finally paid off and secured my position almost indefinitely with the company. I had one of the lowest rates of lost customers and my retention scores were off the charts.
So in short, I wasn’t quitting my job.
This decision left Hannah more than mildly irritated with me. She’d lit me up for an entire three hours after she found out I wasn’t quitting.
Are you fucking kidding me, Hailey? You finally decided to get out of that dump and now you’re going to stay just because it’s easy?
Her words rang in my head and I caught myself reading the same line on the third-to-last page of my book several times over. With a tired sigh, I closed the cover and stole a quick peek at the signature inside. Whenever I was feeling low, the slanted signature and well-wishes left in black sharpie ink made me smile.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that my sister was right.
Was I staying at the call center because of how easy and comfortable it was? Was this falling out with Jackson a sign from the universe that something bigger was coming and it was up to me to take that leap and figure out what it was?
Yeah right. The only signs the universe was showing me were stop signs. Or maybe “Dead End.”
Unfortunately, I’d made one shitty decision after another. I’d made my bed and now I had to lie in it. I had to stop looking for magic pills and formulas to cure whatever this hollow feeling was in the pit of my stomach.
I hadn’t felt right for days. Weeks almost.
And it all started the first night Jackson and I hooked up. What I thought might be the beginning of the rest of my life turned out to be nothing more than an awkward blip on a pathetic timeline. By now, Jackson had likely already moved on to slimmer, more beautiful women with quieter opinions and fuller lips.
And me?
Well, I’d moved onto Hannah’s couch and that was about it.
My sister was banging pots and pans in the kitchen as she prepared dinner. She’d been playing the role of my personal chef and confidence booster, as well as my occasional tough-love coach. I felt guilty for zapping so much of her energy but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I couldn’t afford to live on my own and I didn’t dare ask our mother for financial help.
I would never hear the end of it.
I’d refused money so many times and insisted I could make it on my own t
hat if I asked for a handout now, I’d basically be giving her permission to scold me scornfully, as she always tended to do when she was disappointed in me.
That was one of the reasons I didn’t speak to or see my mother much.
That, and her new insufferable boyfriend who was only with her for her money.
I gave my head a shake. You’re over thinking. You need to slow down. Take a breath.
I followed my own instructions to slow the sudden quick beat of my heart. I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes while I listened to something sizzle on a pan in the kitchen.
I cracked open one eye and peered over at my sister, who was poised over the skillet on the stove with a wooden spoon in her hand.
“What are you making in there?” I asked.
“My famous stir fry. One of your favorites. I’m surprised you don’t recognize it.”
I sniffed at the air. “It smells different.”
Hannah glanced over her shoulder at me with a small frown. “I’m following the recipe. It shouldn’t smell different.” She nodded at the candle flickering on the kitchen island. “Maybe it’s the candle?”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“How’s your book?” my sister asked.
I tossed the book down on the coffee table and slumped low on the sofa. “It was good. But I’m almost done and now I have nothing left to read.”
“You mean nothing left to distract you?”
“Maybe.”
“You could job hunt,” Hannah not-so-subtly suggested.
“I told you. I don’t want a new job right now.” I stood up and stretched. My lower back was hurting and my shoulders were tense. I must have slept funny last night. “Too much has been going on. I don’t want to throw another wrench into the equation and have to juggle the stress of a new job. It’s not worth it.”
“The stress of a new job is probably equal to or less than the stress of being yelled at all day,” Hannah said. “You know I’m not saying this to get on your nerves or make you feel overwhelmed. I just want what’s best for you. And you and I both know for a fact this job is not what’s best for you. It’s a stepping stone. A halfway place between where you were and where you’re going. Hailey, it’s time to start looking at where you’re going.”